Desolation!
by Breath-of-twilight
Summary: Bella is beyond broken by the time her mom exiles her to Forks to live with her father. She makes some not so trustworthy friends and continues her downward spiral, right into the unstable arms of Edward Cullen. Rated M for rape, lemons and dark issues.
1. Prologue

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this one shot is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**A/N - So, as u can see, I am re-doing this fic. A few changes will be made to the storyline and grammar will be corrected.**

**- Please consider yourself forewarned, this story has dark themes, graphic language and contains lemons in later chapters. Rape, abuse, drug and alcohol abuse-**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Prologue:**

**BPOV**

You would think it couldn't rain with the sun out and shining, heating up the air. But it can… oh, can it _ever_. It's been two days of this God-forsaken gloomy rain, on and off, hot and cold. I wished it would make up its fucking mind already. I mean, Christ! I'm about to be exiled to the wettest, gloomiest place in the continental U.S. and that isn't even the tip of the iceberg. The town… If you can even call it a town, is but a speck on the fucking map with a total population of what? Just over a thousand pathetic people. People whose ideas of fun would include euchre nights and racing their cheap-ass, old cars through a pit of mud in the fucking rain; with plain, boring, mundane boys and cheap, easy, pathetic girls. Oh, boy! Was I fucking excited for this move to Forks, Washington.

Who names a town after a fucking utensil anyways? What are they going to do next, name a place after a fucking brand of cigarettes? _Whatever_. I wasn't the town's name police, I was just Bella. Stupid, scrawny, ugly Bella. That's how he put it. I mean he gets straight A's; he's always right_, always_. So, what choice did I have but to believe it when he told me how worthless and useless I was, or how I would never amount to anything… except maybe a street whore? At the time, I thought this was harsh, but now I see he was likely right! I would never be perfect. I would never be pretty. I would never do anything great with my life.

_I would only fuck it up._

That's all I seemed to be good for nowadays, fucking shit up. If it wasn't Renee's dating life, then it was embarrassing the shit out of myself. Poor Charlie, he was in for a rude awakening. I was going to fuck up his precious life. He was pleased to get rid of me once… and now, once again, my Mom had managed to 'worm' me right back into his life and _consequently_ out of hers all together. Poor unsuspecting fucker.

What was I talking about again? Oh right... the rain.

It's like the weather was preparing me for what was coming, teasing me... _taunting_ me. Fucking weather. _I hate rain!_

"Isabella!" I heard my mother call. I rolled my eyes and muttered, "It's Bella." I continued to stare out the window, hexing the God-forsaken rain. "Isabella Marie Swan! If you don't get your ass down here, I swear…!" Renee, Renee, Renee, what a fucking whore. My own mother was a whore. No wonder James saw this for my future, as well.

I didn't feel like going downstairs, this was the last time I'd see my room. It was my sanctuary, my security blanket. There was no fucking way I was leaving it until it was time for me to go to land of omnipresent skies. Instead, I reached for my iPod and shoved the buds into my ears. I turned the volume up and scanned through it for the loudest, angriest song I could find.

A rainbow appeared, not too far from my home. It was partially hidden by other houses. It made me smile; even in this shit hole, there was still a bit of beauty from time to time. All of a sudden, my head phones were yanked violently out of my ears and smashed onto the floor. "What the fuck!" I screeched. I turned around to see my mother red in the face, glaring at me through her blood shot, squinty eyes.

"God, you're such a bitch! Do you know how much fucking overtime I had to work to buy that?" I screamed, pointing a pale finger at the iPod now laying in pieces on the ground. Renee's hand flashed in front of me and whipped across my cheek; my head flew to the side. I pressed my hand to my stinging cheek, "You hit me!" I accused.

Her lips twitched, "Caught that, did you?" she grunted. I felt my right hand ball up into a tight fist and my jaw clench as I pushed back the tears I could feel welling.

I wanted to hit her back. I wanted to knock her teeth out and send her straight to the hospital. But instead of my knuckles going to her mouth, they went through my hair, "What do you want?" I questioned, my voice thick with the unshed tears.

"Your taxi is here," she stated and walked away.

"I'm not leaving until tomorrow," I corrected.

She continued to walk. "'Fraid not", she said, almost smirking at me. "Leave, NOW."

I shook my brown hair and stood there dumbfounded. My eyes widened, then turned into tiny slits. I was speechless; this was it. I was leaving my home, my family… my friends. I snorted at those thoughts. I didn't have any of those. Never did, and never _will_. I grabbed my bags that I had already packed and left my room, not daring to look back.

As soon as I was outside, I spotted the yellow minivan. I glared at it. I turned around to see if anyone was going to say a fucking goodbye or wish me a good trip. It was just me. I sighed and took one last look at my ivory house. I would miss it. Do houses miss people back? Well, if they could, this house would be glad to get rid of me. Everyone else was.

The driver climbed out and took my bags to the trunk. I watched him as I pulled at my sleeves. Countless times, I looked back at the door, just wanting someone to come out, to say anything.

Nothing.

"You ready, Miss?" the man asked. I pressed my lips into a tight line and nodded my head. He opened my door, and I climbed in. I rolled down my window and watched the man slide into his seat.

"Bella! Wait!" I looked back at the house and saw my mother running towards the taxi, her black flip flops slapped the ground and her tan khakis scrunched up with her movement. She came to the window, and I smiled at her; she didn't smile back. "Here," she said simply, thrusting a piece of paper into my hands before she turned back and walked towards the house. I looked down at my hand to see what she had given me.

All the tears I kept back now flooded out. It was the fucking poem. She gave me back the poem I had written her when I was eight. Sure, it was no Edgar Alan Poe, but it was from me, _her own daughter_.

"Airport?" The man questioned.

"Yes, please," I whispered. How could she do this? Sure, it was bad. I mean, I was only eight. Eight fucking years old! The handwriting might have sucked and some words weren't actually words, but that wasn`t the point.

_Bitch!_

I was angry. I was beyond pissed. I wanted to hit the walls of the taxi, kick my feet against the glass and scream! I wanted to do something, but all I could fucking do was cry and read the words over and over and over again.

I love my mommy by Bella

_I love my mommy when she is happy_

_I love my mommy when she tucks me in for my nappy_

_I love my mommy when she lets me eat ice cream for dinner_

_I love my mommy when she tells me I'm a winner_

_I love my mommy as much as a polar bear loves the snow_

_I love my mommy when she puts my hair in a pink bow_

_I love my mommy_

Screw that shit, I silently added a new verse to the pathetic fucking poem.

_I fucking hate my mommy!_

_I hate my mommy when she forgets about me_

_I hate my mommy when she brings home men that like to touch me while I sleep_

_I hate my mommy when she calls me bad names_

_I hate my mommy when she degrades me_

But what could I do? I was going to be living in another state. The best I could do was to try to forget her. I put my hands up to my face and cried; my whole body wracked with uncontrollable, angry, hate-filled sobs. The driver probably thought I was some fucking lunatic, but who gave a shit, right?

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Reviews are better than bitch slapping Renee, which she seriously needs right now. Don't cha think?

An old friend, Brittney, was the one that came up with the Mommy poem, and helped me get the first few chapters out. She has since left fan fiction, as far as I know, at least.

Updates will come weekly as this re-posts, possibly faster…


	2. Cast the First Stone

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this one shot is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**A/N - So, as u can see, I am re-doing this fic. A few changes will be made to the storyline and grammar will be corrected.**

**Ann fine-combed this for me. Thanks.**

**- Please consider yourself forewarned, this story has dark themes, graphic language and contains lemons in later chapters. Rape, abuse, drug and alcohol abuse-**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Cast the First Stone~**

**BPOV**

During the four-hour, long-ass flight, I had nothing to do but listen to dark, ominous music and mull over my pathetic fucking life.

_GREAT!_

Just what I needed, more time to think that shit over! I decided to examine some people who were near me, just for the hell of it. Maybe I could even find someone who was living a worse life than mine. _Maybe_… but I would have to be really lucky to find someone like that.

There was a pudgy, bald guy sitting across from me. He was reading some book titled 'How to Get the Girl of Your Dreams, For the Overweight Men of America'. I snorted. Who the hell thinks of that shit? Even better, who the fuck _buys_ that crap? Well, my answer was sitting right across from me in the form of a middle-aged man with weight problems, no hair on his scalp, shaky-ass hands and a profuse sweating problem. I cringed, Eww! Not in a million years would I touch the likes of him or any other man who made me gag this violently.

I turned my attention elsewhere.

There was a young mom with her whinny-ass kid behind me. I couldn't get a good look at them without making myself seem like some creepy-ass crazy girl. What I did catch, though, was that the mother was an unappreciative bitch. She kept talking to her little child, who was no older than maybe four, like she was some kind of plague. Saying things like, 'what the hell was I thinking when I had you?' And mumbling things like, 'kids, they never appreciate anything'.

My God! The kid was only a four year old, what on earth could that wretched woman expect her little child to do? She was so off-base. These days, it was the _parents_ who didn't appreciate their children. Hell, I couldn't remember the last time I saw a dad out playing ball with his son or a mom out planting flowers with her daughter.

What the hell had this world come to? I decided getting angry with the woman behind me wouldn't help matters much, so off I went to the next person on the plane. At the very back of the plane there was a young, horny couple. I only watched them for a minute, because I wasn't too sure they wouldn't actually perform the deed right then and there.

A business man was attached to the airplane's phone, arguing with the person on the other line about prices and deals. He was a good negotiator from what I could hear. He had dropped the price of something by almost 50% before he agreed to purchase said item. Damn, he was better than good, he was a fucking pro. I could use someone like him the next time I wanted something cheap.

My 'people watching' was interrupted by an annoying, nasally, childlike voice coming out of the overhead speakers.

"Ladies and gentleman, if you'd please take your seats and make sure your seat belt is fastened and all loose items are secured we will be landing in Port Angeles in a few short moments."

I was one of the last people to exit the plane. There was no way in hell I was battling with those manic idiots who felt the need to shove the crap out of anyone bold enough to get in their way while exiting the plane. I was accident prone all on my own, without any of their help.

After I got off the plane, I grabbed my one and only suitcase aside from the small, beat up carry-on bag slung over my shoulders and headed out the front doors in search of a taxi to take me to the bus terminal. Charlie said he had to work and couldn't make it to pick me up. Go fucking figure.

As I was hailing down a taxi, I noticed a petite pixie-like girl with short, wild, spiky hair run by me and jump into the arms of one of the most gorgeous men I had ever seen. I completely forgot about my taxi while I stood there like a fucking idiot and gaped, mouth wide open and all.

He was tall. I'd say about 6'1'', with short, shaggy blond hair, kind of surfer style; intense hazel, caramel colored eyes and perfect white teeth; with a body a god would die for. I could feel the saliva pooling in my mouth just as the taxi driver yelled at me, "Are you coming or not, Miss? I don't have all day, ya know…"

I shook my head and wiped the drool from the corner of my mouth as I felt my cheeks grow hot with embarrassment. _Fuck_, surely this idiotic taxi driver had noticed my pathetic behavior and was probably getting one hell of a good laugh on my behalf. _Asshole! _I grunted and threw my suitcase into the truck and told him I needed to get to the bus terminal.

Yet another hour later, and I could see the outline of the dark, cloudy skies ahead. It was like the second you passed by the 'Welcome to Forks' sign, anything and everything gloomy descended. I walked, well, more like trudged, from the bus stop to Charlie's house, dragging my suitcase behind me. It was only like a ten-minute walk, but by the time I got to the front door, I flopped down on the porch panting and wheezing. Man, I was either seriously out of shape or weaker than shit.

After I got all settled in, I decided to go for a walk. The note Charlie left said he wouldn't be home until after five, and it was only just after lunch. My stomach growled loudly, and I decided on taking a trip to the little diner I had seen just down the road.

It wasn't a very long walk, and surprisingly, the fresh air made me feel a bit better. When I was seated, I ordered a grilled chicken salad and sat silently in my booth, reading a book I had brought along to keep my mind occupied, so I didn't look like a complete loser eating all by myself.

Just as I was actually getting engrossed in my cheesy book, a girl with long blond hair and a nasally voice, that I recognized for some unknown reason, came over and sat across from me. I looked up. She was smiling like a maniac. Oh, God. What the fuck did she want?

"Hi, my name is Lauren," she introduced herself while sticking her perfect little manicured hand out to shake mine. "You must be new in town. I don't think I have ever seen you here, and I would have. This town is so small you'd notice the most boring plain people without even wanting to," she explained with a wicked grin.

Was she insulting me? Or just making a clichéd statement that only someone as pathetic as I would interpret as being about oneself. I decided to let that comment slide. I was most likely making more of it than the statement had actually warranted. I half smiled back, "Umm, I'm Bella. Yeah, I guess I am kind of new here. I did live here years ago, but then I moved away. I just moved back, today."

She chirped away relentlessly about everyone she could apparently think of in this town. Names I would likely never remember. Matt, or was it Mark, maybe it was Mike. Anyway, whoever he was, he was her current boy-toy. She made that part really clear. She told me of her friends Jessica, Angela and Tyler. She warned me of the trouble makers at the school like Jasper, Alice and Rosalie; more names I'd never remember.

She also told me all about the school goofball, Emmett. I actually laughed a bit as she told me some of the antics he had pulled over the years. Like when he poured hot sauce in the science teacher's coffee. And lastly, she told me of the school's resident 'hottie',. Who was apparently unattainable and too good for anyone in 'lil 'ol Forks. Rumor was that he was dating some hot exotic model, who was currently away on some long-ass extended photoshoot on some deserted island. I snorted. _Yeah right!_

It sounded more to me like this girl wanted this guy and made up some bullshit story to make herself feel better after being rejected.

"So, what do you think? Do you want to come?" _HUH!_ _What had I missed?_ I tried not to look too confused.

"Sorry, what was the question again?" I stuttered, lowering my head to hide my reddening cheeks.

"Girl, you are so lost today. Lucky for you 'Lauren' has found you, and I am here to save the day." She giggled, twirling a loose strand of her bleached blond hair.

"_I_ said… how about joining me and my friends at this wicked party tonight?" She briefly stopped to make sure I was listening to her, "Everyone who is anyone will be there. _You_ just have to go. The only people who don't go are the un-cool bookworms and losers," she informed me as her gaze dropped down to where I was holding my copy of Pride and Prejudice.

I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat, feeling her intense gaze piercing through my lowered head.

"Sure, why the fuck not…" I replied in a determined tone. I could do this. I had never been invited to a party before. I had no clue what to expect, but really, why the fuck not, right!

Lauren looked a bit taken aback by my choice of words, but quickly shook it off and resumed her previous Barbie doll smile.

"Great, here is the address. Meet us there at say... nine o'clock?" she asked as she passed me the napkin she had scribbled on.

"Sounds good. See you then." She walked back to her table where her friends were openly staring. I paid my bill and made my way back home to take a desperately needed nap before I was to begin this façade of a normal teenager's life here in gloomy wet Forks.

I woke to the sound of the front door slamming. I slowly crawled out of the bed and made my way down the stairs, anxiety now overtaking me. It had been years since I last saw Charlie. My mom refused him access after she started dating some jackass named Phil because he was an insecure mother-fucker who enjoyed controlling mine and my mother's every move and decision.

I peeked into the kitchen, only to see Charlie whistling away while unloading bags full of what appeared to be Chinese food. My stomach grumbled, and I thought back to my uneaten salad from lunch. Charlie must have heard the unruly sound, because he turned and smiled at me.

"Hey, Bells. Come on over here and let me get a good look at you." He twirled me around and hmm'd and hawed before giving me his assessment, "Wow, you've grown up. Guess you couldn't stay my little girl forever."

I was dumbstruck. This was not what I had expected at all. Mom had made it very clear to me, back when she took access away from Charlie when I was fourteen, that my Dad had never even taken time to show up for court to fight for me. She told me all he did was call and say he was glad to finally be rid of me, and that I was Renee's problem now.

I had stored so many bitter thoughts and feelings for my father all these years because of that. So, why the hell was he acting like this now? I attempted a smile, but merely pulled off a freaky grimace as I sat down at the table to join him for dinner. He asked me about Phoenix and what I had done in the last three and half years. He asked me about school and friends and if I had had any boyfriends yet, to which I blushed and said yes, but only one, and that it didn't really work out.

Never once did he ask how Renee was, and I was okay with steering clear of that subject. I wasn't sure how to tell Charlie that during my three year absence, I had been raped, beaten and completely mentally and emotionally drained and destroyed. I was sure it was plain as day to see the empty fucking shell I had become.

I told him about the girl I had met and kind of shifted the truth a bit and explained how she had invited me out to meet some kids from town for a study session, and even though I didn't have any books yet, I really wanted to go and meet some new people. He bought my fib and told me not to be too late coming in tonight.

I was about to exit the kitchen to go start getting ready when something he said stopped me dead in my tracks.

"What did you just say?" I whispered, my voice wavering slightly.

"I missed you, Bells. I am so glad to have you back, kiddo," he repeated cautiously, obviously not understanding the tone of my voice.

As tears began to pool in my eyes, I ran to my room. I flung the door open, got in and slammed it shut. What the fuck just happened? He was _glad _to have me back? I thought he had wanted to get _rid _of me. I sat on my bed and stared at the bare wall like a sedated veteran in a retirement home. That was all I could do, stare and cry. I wasn't quite positive as to why I was crying, but it was a nice release.

Were they tears of sadness? Joy? Hatred? Betrayal? I wasn't sure; maybe it was all of them and more. Renee had lied to me. It wasn't like this was the first time that happened, but regardless of that… she _lied_ to me about my own father's hatred towards me. Who does that to their own daughter? Sure, I could understand if maybe she was protecting me, but Charlie was never the one to hurt me. It was her, always her.

"Bells, you alright, sweetheart?" I heard Charlie ask outside my door. I wiped slowly at my tears and searched for my voice.

"Yeah, just getting ready," I called back, my voice thick with hurt. I heard Charlie's footsteps walk away. I held back the tears that still yearned to pour out and stood to dress. I walked across the room to my old dresser that I used when I was younger and fished out some clothes that I had unpacked earlier. I grabbed my bag of toiletries and opened the bedroom door. I quickly padded down the hall to the only bathroom in the house and pushed the door shut, clicking the lock into place.

I took a long shower, blocking out my every thought. It was nice to get away from my own mind. Sure, it was only for twenty minutes or so, but it was like I was worlds away from this place I had come to know as hell. I got out regretfully, pulled on my clothes and stood in front of the bathroom mirror raking a brush through my chestnut hair and grimacing at my ordinary face. It was days like these that I wished I had even one appealing feature on my body. The only thing I could find was _ugliness_.

I ran a finger over the scar where my hairline began, the one I received when Phil had thrown a beer bottle at my head. I had to give the asshole credit, he had good aim. I shook my head to clear away the memory.

I left the bathroom and finished getting ready for the 'study session'. I still had about an hour to go, so I sat in my room and did things to distract myself from the desolation I felt creeping around inside me.

Reading seemed to keep me from my thoughts, so I was more than happy to do so. Periodically, I checked the small alarm clock on the night stand, in what seemed to be ten minute increments. Finally, eight-thirty rolled around. I jumped off the bed, slipping on my jacket, and headed down stairs. I heard snoring as soon my feet touched the bottom step. I looked up to see Charlie sleeping on the couch. I felt my mouth twitch and the corners lift up.

I walked over to him and shook his shoulder gently. "Charlie?" I whispered. He stirred, and his eyes opened. "Oh, Bella. Sorry, I must have fallen asleep," he said, yawning. I smiled and nodded my head as he looked at me closer.

"You' headin' out?" he questioned. I nodded my head. "Alright, don't stay out too late, and be safe?"

Why was I expecting more concern? Shouldn't he be giving me a curfew or asking more questions like, where was I going? Who was I going to be with? And so on? Maybe I was being stupid, but learning that Charlie loved me more than I had thought had already brightened my outlook on life, so I didn't push my luck. I was happy with the way things were, for now.

I walked out of the house and through the damp lawn, slipping a few times.

I reached in my pocket and pulled out the napkin, memorized the address and began walking the streets of Forks. It took me less than twenty minutes to find the house. It really wasn't that hard with the ear shattering music that was blaring out of all its sides. People walked into the house in cheery moods, already known and knowing who others were. Not me.

I shoved my hands deep in my jacket pockets and walked up to the house. You know those moments in movies when everything goes in slow motion and everyone looks and stares. Well, this was one of those moments. Every eye was on me, scrutinizing my every step, my every breath. I looked for Lauren. I searched desperately for an escape. Anything!

She was nowhere in sight. I dodged everyone's ogling and searched for her. _Eventually_… the party started again, and I was somewhat ignored. "Bella!" I heard my name being shouted from across the room. I looked up to see Lauren in the kitchen with a boy holding her from behind. She motioned for me to join her, so I cut through the crowd and walked into the bright room.

"Everyone, this is Bella, the girl I was talking to you about," Lauren said to the other four people standing around her. They all looked at me with smiles on their faces, but they didn't look like normal smiles. They belonged on a mad scientist, or a serial killer.

"Hi, Bella. I'm Jessica," a girl with brown curls and big brown eyes spoke. I smiled at her and waved.

"You're right. She is shy, isn't she?" A boy with dark hair asked. I blushed, and they all laughed at me.

"Bella, this is Tyler, Eric and Mike," Jessica said, pointing to the boys that were hanging out. They all said 'hey' as I said 'hi' back.

Eric disappeared behind Jessica and returned with a red plastic cup. He handed it to me. I eyed it.

"Oh," I replied and grabbed it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to drink. I only drank when I couldn't keep my emotions in check. I shrugged my shoulders and took a sip of it anyways. _Beer_! Imagine that. They watched me. No… they _studied_ me. What was I? A fucking animal at the zoo or something?

"You know, Bella, you should wear clothes that actually fit you," Lauren said. I looked down at myself. I looked fine, didn't I? I was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a blue blouse, but it was currently hidden underneath my black hoodie, which was maybe a size too big.

"Thanks?" I said to her. I wasn't sure if it was a compliment or not, so I decided to treat it like it was one.

"No problem," she replied and smiled. I guess it was. Well, wasn't that fucking nice?

"So, Bella, you're from Phoenix, right?" Mike questioned, with a big smile on his face.

"Uh, yeah," I replied and sipped more of my beer.

"That's really cool." His blue eyes twinkled. I nodded my head, mentally thinking _fuck no._

"Does it seem quiet to you, guys?" Eric questioned. We all paused and listened. The music was still playing, but the voices were quiet, almost silent. The group pushed past me and let out a couple gasps.

"Where the hell is everyone going?" I heard Jessica scream. I walked to where they were and noticed that the house was almost empty. Everyone was leaving.

"What's going on?" I asked, but all of them had this dumbfounded look on their faces. A kid pushed through them and was headed for the door until Tyler grabbed hold of him. "Where is everyone going?" he asked the boy.

"The Hales are throwing a party." Tyler released the boy, and then he vanished out the door with the others.

"NO!" Jessica screeched.

"That skank!" Lauren screamed at the same time. Both of the girls' faces were filled with anger.

Eric shrugged his shoulders and started heading to the door. "Where the hell are you going?" Jessica roared.

Eric turned back and thumbed at the door, "You honestly think I'm going to miss _that_ party?"

With that he left and went out the door, the other boys following closely behind. "Mike!" Lauren went after him. I bit my lip.

"Come on, Bella. You'll enjoy this," Tyler said, beckoning me to follow him.

Who was I to miss a party? Especially one that seemed to piss Lauren and Jessica off.

What the hell, I decided. Why not? If I was going to actually give this new teenage life a real shot, I might as well be the one to cast the first stone.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Reviews are better than the look on Lauren's face as the partygoer's ditched her. Leave one.

After this- updates will come weekly, maybe faster, if you're really nice. :-P

An old friend, Brittney, helped me with the first few original chapters. She has since left Fan fiction, as far as I know, that is.


	3. Cigarettes and Alcohol

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this one shot is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

*******WARNING- THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SCENCES OF VIOLENCE*******

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Cigarettes and Alcohol~**

**BPOV**

"_Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yes, yes, yes, baby, I'm gonna cum… now, baby. Baby, come with me. Awwww fuck!"_

I bolted upright in such a confused and still drunken state that the whole damn room started to spin. I quickly lowered myself back down in the comfy bed, still hearing the strange moaning noises.

_Who the hell was that? _

_Was someone having sex? _

_WAIT!_

_Where the hell am I?_

I squinted through my slanted, eyes. I tried to open them further, but it felt like there was sand paper attached to my lids; and if I pushed my luck, I would only end up sanding off the outer layer of my eyes.

I took a few deep breaths and tried to gather my bearings. Firstly, I had to figure out where the fuck I was, and then I had to figure out _why_ the hell I was there.

I grunted and threw my arm over my eyes to stop the moonlight from invading my already pulsing pain-ridden eyes.

I banged my head with the palms of my hands willing the memories to seep through. Slowly, very slowly… groggy _memories_ and _flashes_ started to break through my fogged brain.

I remembered arriving at The Hales party with Tyler Crowley, chugging back a few bitter tasting drinks, well, maybe more than a few, I had stopped counting at about four. I was dancing around and having a great time. I groaned.

Then, Lauren showed up and got her ass kicked out by some tall, gorgeous, blond super model-type girl. I couldn't help it, I chuckled.

As I recalled Jessica throwing up all over herself and Mike Newton, my chuckles turned into all out giggling. I braced my pounding head in my hands and forced myself to calm down.

_Going outside with a guy named Mark and having a smoke. Then, he offered me a strange smelling smoke, but by then I was so drunk already, and it really did smell good, albeit a bit strange. I was giggling like a God-damn moron_.

_Groan._

_I snuck away from the gyrating bodies to get some fresh air on the back patio. Tyler came up behind me. He twirled me around and planted an unwanted kiss square on my mouth. I pulled away, smacking him right across his smug, ugly face. He smacked me back._

_Shit! Groan._

_Out of seemingly nowhere, a gorgeous bronze-haired guy flew at him and dragged him off of me as he bashed him in the teeth with his free hand, while ranting at him about the proper way to treat a woman._

_Groan. Smile. Sigh._

_The bronze-haired gorgeous savior of mine asked me if I was okay and offered me more to drink._

_And then, I went__ with him inside somewhere quiet and talked while drinking even more._

That's it, that's all I could remember. I groaned loudly and punched my fist into the bed beside me.

"Hey, some of us are trying to get some sleep over here."

I froze.

Someone was beside me in the bed. Holy shit! I tentatively reached under the covers. My pants were still on. I let out a shaky breath, but shit, where was my shirt? I still had my bra on, thank God, but why the hell was my shirt off?

I slowly turned my body towards where the sweet-as-sex voice had come from just seconds ago. I couldn't see much of him, since he was buried under the blankets with his face mashed into the pillow, but I couldn't mistake that head of gorgeous bronze hair anywhere, even in my still somewhat drunken, confused and groggy state.

FUCK! Why was I in bed with him? What did I do? What did we do? Crazy thoughts ran through my mind… of us doing the most sinful things. I quickly pushed them away and reassured myself that none were possible… I still had my pants on for shit's sake. So really, what's the worst that could have transpired between us? Making out a bit? I could live with that.

All of a sudden, I remembered Charlie and shot out of the bed so fast that I swayed and collapsed on the soft, carpeted floor. I silently thanked whatever amazing person that had came up with four-inch-thick carpeting and crawled towards my shirt, which I could now see lying on the floor just a few feet ahead of me. I slipped the shirt on and continued crawling very quietly towards the door, not wanting to have to deal with the gorgeous guy now. I needed time to think, and hopefully remember.

I finally made it to the door. Man! This was one hell of a big room. My shins hurt, and I managed to scrape my knee on some object on the floor. I rolled my sore, sand-papered eyes. Only I could manage something like that.

I crept quietly down the stairs and bolted out the front door into the damp, chilly evening air.

I wasn't quite sure exactly where I was, but I prayed I would be able to find my way home early enough that Charlie wouldn't wake and notice my absence.

Thank God tomorrow was Saturday, because I was in for one hell of a hangover.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

The weekend went by pretty uneventfully, aside from Charlie insisting that I join him fishing on Sunday morning, that is.

I was so not a_ fishing_ kind of girl, but the excitement on his face made my resolve crumble, and I begrudgingly grunted a _"Yeah sure"_ and went and changed into some grungy-ass clothes that I wouldn't mind smelling like fish and tossing in the dumpster later.

I only managed to slip on the wet rocks three times, leaving me with a new scrape on my _already_ scraped knee, a gash on my right elbow, and a bruise on the side of my face. Once we were on the boat, things started looking up. I feared I might actually fall in as the boat teetered with my weight, seemed impossible, but with my luck, you never knew. Luckily, I never did.

Thankfully, Charlie was more of the strong, silent type, so we didn't have to try to hold a conversation. It was a fairly sunny morning, so I just spent my time lazed back in the boat basking in the rarely seen sunshine.

At some point, I must have dozed off because I was rudely awoken by a sharp jerk in the boat. Charlie had caught himself a fish, a few_,_ actually, by the looks of the full bucket at my feet.

But this fish was apparently giving Charlie a hard time. "Good, you're awake. Can you grab that net and hold it out so I can get this feisty fish in it?"

Hmm, I guess I could do that. Seemed easy enough. "Sure."

Boy was I wrong. Just as Charlie was lowering the floppy fish into the net, his rod caught one of the loops and pulled me forward. That small movement was all someone as clumsy as me needed to stumble forward, and in this tiny boat, stumbling forward with nowhere to go only led to one place. The water.

I flopped into the water like a dead fish and coughed and gagged, trying to spit out the foul tasting water while Charlie stood before me, still on the damn boat and dry, trying and failing miserably to not laugh at me.

Charlie contained his laughter long enough to discard the fishing rod and pull me out of the water, then, as I sat soaked and scowling, a small chuckle escaped his tight, twitching lips.

That's when I felt it. Oh my God! What the hell was that?

Something slimy and cold slithered across my bare leg. I screeched and flailed, trying to kick whatever it was off of me. Charlie lost his grip on my arm and back into the water with the slimy, offending creature I went. I panicked and damn-near drowned myself. Poor Charlie had to come into the water and drag my pathetic shaking ass out.

After Charlie had calmed down from his hysterical laughing fit, we agreed right then and there that this would be the first and last time I attempted a fishing trip with Charlie.

As soon as we arrived home, I dashed upstairs, removed my nasty clothing that now reeked of fish and sewage or something just as disgusting and offending, and tied them bad-boys up in a garbage bag to dispose of later.

After a very long, very hot and soap-infused shower, I lazed around on my bed, doodling in my notebook. I loved writing songs and poetry. Usually it was dark, ominous shit, but every once in a while I would actually come up with something worth reading. Tonight was one of those times.

I read the poem aloud and smiled to myself. Man, the things that one drunken night could make me come up with. Ha. Only me, right!

It was pretty good, if I didn't say so myself. Considering it took me all of ten minutes to jot it down.

I flipped through the pages of my journal, re-reading old entries. I never really wrote about things in my life. In fact, there were very few actual entries in the journal, at all.

I started at the beginning, which was dated way back to when I was fifteen years old.

_Entry # 1_

_I was woken up today at one AM by loud noise. I groaned and rolled over. All I wanted to do was sleep. That was all I was asking for. I shut my eyes and smiled at the silence, but I didn't get it for long. A loud ruckus came from the kitchen, anger rushed through my veins. I jumped out of my warm bed, throwing the covers back roughly._

_I opened my door and flew down the steps, making angry stomping noises as my feet hit each stair. I saw a dim light coming from in the kitchen. I stomped towards it, determined to chew out Renee for making so much noise that she had managed to wake me up. I flipped the light on and opened my mouth to yell at her, but noticed it wasn't Renee. It was a large man. I was just about to ask who he was, when he turned away from the fridge and looked at me. It was just Phil. "What're you doin' up?" he slurred, while squinting his bloodshot eyes and twitching his lips into an angry snarl._

_I noticed that he was clutching a beer bottle, and from the way he was talking, I could tell he was drunk. "I heard some noises, so I came down to make sure everything was okay," I said to him, my voice weak and mousy._

_"Go to bed," he said to me, his eyes glazed over. _

_"I'm thirsty," I walked to the sink and got a glass and filled it up with tap water. I was about to take a sip when I felt his hand clutch my shoulder._

_Phil grabbed me, his face filled with twisted fury._

_"What's your problem?" I asked, pulling away._

_"Doncha' ever talk back to me," Phil commanded. He couldn't keep his eyes straight on me. He couldn't even stand without tipping to the side._

_"I was just getting a drink," I said to him, the pitch of my voice rising slightly. The next thing I knew, Phil's fist had connected with my left eye._

_"What the fuck!" I screamed, the whole side of my face numbing with pulsating pain. I looked up with my good eye to see Phil smiling in triumph. Anger soared through me, and I jumped on him, scratching his face and kicking his shins. It was a stupid move. One of the most moronic things I could have ever done. But I am young and feisty, so there was no way I would go down without putting up at very least a meager fight._

_Phil slapped me a few times, punched me in my stomach, and yanked at my hair, pulling me into him. I thrashed and squirmed, trying to escape from his iron clad grip. Eventually, I broke free and bounded for the stairs._

_He yelled at me, and like the idiot I am, I turned to look back just in time to meet the beer bottle he had chucked at my head. It shattered, slicing into my face. I cried out in pain, and that's when Renee appeared._

_"What's going on?" she screamed, looking at me. Blood was dripping down my face and pooling on her carpet._

_"Bella, oh my god!" She looked at me, right at me, then at Phil, and with a sigh, said, "Go... Go to your room." _

_I turned back and stumbled up the stairs, while my mother walked back to a very angry, glaring Phil. My hand clutched my forehead as waves of nausea overcame me. I stood in the bathroom and stared in the mirror, watching the blood pour down my face and took a deep breath, trying to will my nausea away so I could care for my wounds. I wiped at the blood and listened intently to what was going on downstairs. I expected to hear screaming; I expected to hear my mother defending me, but I didn't. Instead, I heard laughter._

_I burst into tears. I looked back at myself in the mirror. I had a large cut just above my forehead. Blood was pouring out of it. I was going to have a scar forever, not just a constant reminder of this incident, but a reminder of the first time I realized the truth about my mother._

_I couldn't even call her that; she wasn't my mother… she was just Renee, the woman who gave birth to me before becoming a heartless shell of a mother who couldn't give a shit less about me or how I felt. Her own daughter! What kind of "mother" doesn't care about her own child? What kind of "mother" turns her back on her child when they need her? How could she just let it happen?_

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I thought back to that night, and a shiver ran through my body, chilling me to the bone. Phil was a horrible creature. Why God had ever allowed him to do the things he had done to me still eluded me. I still could not comprehend what made my mother change that night. What made her walk away without even checking to see if I was ok? The one thing I did know was that I would never, ever forgive her for abandoning me and humiliating me in my darkest time of need.

I wiped a solitary tear from my cheek and moved on to the next entry. _My very first poem._ I had written it when my broken body had healed enough to sit in one place long enough without immense pain shooting through my entire being.

_I live on the second floor_

_I live upstairs from you_

_Yes, I think you've seen me before_

_If you hear something late at night_

_Some kind of trouble. some kind of fight_

_Just don't ask me what it was_

_Just don't ask me what it was_

_Just don't ask me what it was_

_I think it's because I'm clumsy_

_I try not to talk too loud_

_Maybe it's because I'm crazy_

_I try not to act too proud_

_They only hit until you cry_

_And after that you don't ask why_

_You just don't argue anymore_

_You just don't argue anymore_

_You just don't argue anymore_

_Yes I think I'm okay_

_I walked into the door again_

_Well, if you ask that's what I'll say_

_And it's not your business anyway_

_I guess I'd like to be alone_

_With nothing broken, nothing thrown_

_Just don't ask me how I am_

_Just don't ask me how I am_

Reading that now, it sounded so cheesy. But I guess it wasn't that bad, considering it was written by a child just mere hours after getting the shit kicked out of her for no reason what-so-ever.

I closed the book with a loud thud and dropped it on the floor. I ran my fingers through my hair and traced the hideous scar over and over, willing it to disappear. If only my past had all been a dream, a horrible gut-wrenching nightmare of a dream.

A flood of tears crept up from behind my lids and poured rapidly down my cheeks. I didn't try to stop them. I didn't want to. It felt good to let them out for once. Knowing no one here was going to beat me for showing weakness.

After what seemed like forever, the tears began to cease, and I slowly drifted to sleep listening to Charlie's soft snores from down the hallway.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**So...did these last two chapters help you gain an insight into just a **_**few**_** of the demons Bella's past holds and help u understand her anger, vulgarity and temper a bit better?**

**Reviews are better than waking up, confused, with a hottie at your side. Leave one.**

**First poem is Oasis – Cigarettes and Alcohol**

**Second poem is 'Luka' by Suzanne Vega. It is actually a song.**

**Reviews will be replied to in the form of a teaser :-P**


	4. A Shell is all He Left Behind

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this one shot is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

***********WARNING****************WARNING**************WARNING*******************

**EXTREMLY DARK THEMES OF RAPE IN THIS CHAPTER, NOT FOR THE SQUIMISH OR FAINT HEARTED.**

**IF YOU DO NOT THINK THIS IS SOMETHING YOU CAN HANDLE PLEASE DO NOT READ!**

***********WARNING****************WARNING**************WARNING*******************

**A shell is all he left behind~**

**BPOV**

I woke up the next morning to darkness. My alarm clock read five-thirty AM. I sighed and sat up; today was going to be my first day at Forks High. It was probably not the smartest thing to do, since there were only a few more weeks of school left, but I needed the credits. So, what the hell. If I chose to stay home, what would I really do with all the spare time, anyway? Not to mention, if I didn't get all my credits then I would have no choice but to attend summer school, and I sure as hell wasn't having that. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and let my feet come into contact with the cold, hard floor. I lifted my arms above my head and stretched, smiling as the bones in my back cracked and popped.

After getting ready, I headed down stairs to get some breakfast. Charlie was already there eating. I currently didn't have a vehicle so Charlie was going to be my chauffeur. _Lucky me!_

"Morning," he said, briefly peeking up from his news paper. I managed a tiny smile and fished through the cupboards for a bowl and a box of cereal.

We sat at the table and ate in silence. Charlie and I didn't talk, but it wasn't awkward either; it was a comfortable silence. When it was time for me to leave, I grabbed my jacket and bag. It was going to be weird arriving in a cop car, but most people in town, I was sure, knew about me by now, anyways. Nothing was a secret in a town this small. I sighed and walked out into the rain. We climbed into the car and drove off.

Charlie questioned me more about how my life was without him. I told him bits and pieces. I didn't really want to lie to the only person on earth who was actually being kind to me and seemed to truly care about how I was. So, I omitted two thirds of the last two and a half years and told him only the things a good dad wants to hear from his only daughter. I mean, it wasn't really lying, it was merely 'omitting' _certain_ _parts_ of my life, and maybe there were a few half-lies in there somewhere, as well.

We finally pulled into the parking lot that was already full of student cars. He wished me good luck, and I got out. I went to the main office to get my schedule and my attendance sheet that I would surely have to have signed by each of my teachers throughout the day. I was greeted by an older woman with wild, orange hair, "You must be Isabella," she said, smiling like I was her own granddaughter. "_Bella_," I corrected. She nodded her head and got my papers. She smiled sweetly at me as I backed out of the office. _Too sweet_, I thought.

The first bell rang; I had English. I headed off into the direction of the class and tried to keep my head up as students ogled me. All I could do was dodge their curious looks and stare blankly at the floor and hope I made it to my first class safely.

I took my seat and tried to skim my class outline quickly so I could at least have some idea what we were currently working on. I hoped it was something I might have a little knowledge of, so I didn't come across as a complete moron when the teacher called on me. _Phew_… I let out a huge sigh of relief when I noticed they were currently reading Hamlet. I had already read this book, more than once, actually. This made me feel a bit better. So I sat back and let myself relax a bit before the teacher started. Apparently, Mike was in this class also and was all too eager to share a desk with me and help me get caught up, as he put it. Ha! I probably knew more about Hamlet than he ever would. He didn't cross me as a very intelligent person, especially not one too familiar with literature. "So, what happened the other night?" he asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. I glared at him.

I _really _didn't want to talk about that with him; not now, not _ever_. Thankfully, God was on my side, the teacher cut in and announced that our lesson was about to begin. As the teacher rambled on about love and all of its glory, Mike whispered the same damn question again. I tried to ignore him, but apparently, Mr. Mason had heard him as well and warned Mike that if he kept interrupting the lecture, he'd get detention for the rest of the week. _Harsh_, but I liked it, and it shut him up, too. Mike paid attention for the rest of the period. And, surprisingly, so did I. I liked this teacher; he was theatrical and very funny. He wanted to make sure we were watching and listening, not to mention, English was a subject I had always loved and thrived on.

When the bell rang, Mike offered to walk me to my next class. I wanted to refuse, but I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer without a lengthily argument. So, I reluctantly agreed, but still, I ignored his questions revolving around the party. I did answer some about home, giving him very curt and to-the-point answers. I made it to History in one piece and with my dignity still intact. I waved goodbye and sat in the back of the room just as the teacher was talking about Pearl Harbor; something I had already learned about and didn't have a big interest in.

My following class was Spanish, which passed by with flying colors. In Trig, I groaned as I entered the classroom. I had this class with Jessica. As soon as she saw me, she squinted her tiny eyes at me then motioned for me to sit beside her… Bi-polar bitch. She opened her mouth to say something, but the teacher cut in. So, whatever she was going to say would have to wait. I must have done something great without realizing it; God was actually giving me a break for once.

The bell rang, signally it was time for lunch. We walked to cafeteria the together, and I stared questioningly at the food. I wasn't sure what I wanted or what was safe to eat. Jessica rolled her eyes and told me she'd save me a spot. I nodded my head and turned my direction back to the food.

"You're Bella, aren't you?" a male voice questioned from behind me. I turned around to see a burly boy with dark curls.

"Uh, yeah…" He stuck his hand out, and I took it, "I'm Emmett," So this was the infamous Emmett. It really was an honor.

"Nice to meet you," I said to him. He nodded his head. "Ditto, wanna join me and a few friends for lunch?" he asked. My eyes widened in shock. Hmm, what to do? It was either join Lauren and her crew; who would most likely interrogate me about the party _or_... sit with a bunch of strangers, one of which was well-known as the school goof ball. This was a fucking no brainer! "Sure." I bought my food and followed him to the back of the cafeteria.

Already at the table were three people, two of which I recognized from the airport, "Everyone this is _Bella_. Bella, this is everyone," Emmett introduced, and everyone laughed. I sat beside him, and the pixie-like girl opened her tiny, pouty lips, "I'm Alice, and this is Jasper… and Rosalie," she said, motioning to the tall, blond, surfer-like guy and the amazingly, beautiful, blond girl I remembered seeing at the party the other night. They both said 'hi' and went back to their lunches.

"You were at our party, weren't you?" Rosalie asked a few minutes later. I sighed and nodded my head.

"You're one hell of a partier," Jasper noted with approval. I blushed and nodded my head.

"So you're a Phoenix girl, right?" Alice asked. I grinned.

"Yep."

"That's really cool. I've always wanted to live in a warm place. I think I'm going to go to UCLA," Rosalie agreed with Alice, as did Jasper.

It was then that he appeared, apparently out of nowhere. It was either that, or I just wasn't paying enough attention… it was the bronze-haired boy from the other night. I sat there with my mouth hanging open. Oh, God! What if he remembered me? I shifted in my seat so I was fully facing Emmett and had my side to _him_, and let my hair fall forward to create a curtain between us.

"It's about time you showed up," I heard Alice say. I turned my head to see the boy lunging into his tray of food. "Yeah okay, Mom," he said with sarcasm. I wanted to giggle, but I held it in. He looked up at me as he chewed his food, his eyebrows creased, and his emerald eyes narrowed.

"Aren't you the new girl?" he asked, and I nodded my head. Maybe he didn't recognize me? Maybe he, too, was too smashed that night? "Edward, this is Bella," Alice said. He nodded with a slight grunt and continued scarfing back his food.

The group started talking about music, movies, pretty much randomness, really, and I ate and listened. Sometimes I'd give an opinion, but only when prompted.

Suddenly, I felt something hit me gently on the back of my head. _What the fuck?_ I turned around and locked eyes with Lauren and gulped. 'Come Here,' she mouthed. I sighed and nodded my head. "I'll catch you guys later." I picked up my bag and walked towards Lauren's table.

"Why are you talking to them? I told you the other day that they are really bad people!" Lauren hissed. I sighed and sat beside her and the others. Tyler winked at me. It made me want to gag.

"I don't think they're that bad. They're actually really nice," I said, defending them. I looked back over my shoulder and saw Edward staring at me. I blushed and looked away. Awkward.

"Well, Bella, that's really _stupid,_ on your part. I'm sorry, but we can't be seen with a misfit like you," Jessica said, cocking her head like a stuck-up-bitch.

I snorted and pushed away from the table and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later, I heard the warning bell, and I headed to my next class, Biology. I walked into the room and noticed that Edward was there, at an empty table, the only empty table. I groaned. _Great, now I'm going to have to sit with the bronze-haired god and hope to hell I don't do anything that might trigger his drunken memory for him._ I took a deep breath and handed my attendance slip to the teacher. He, of course, told me to sit next to Edward Cullen. As I approached the empty seat, Edward smiled a crooked grin at me, but it quickly vanished, and he shook his head. _What the fuck was that about? _I wiped the shit-eating grin from my face and decided to just ignore him.

The teacher hadn't started the lesson yet, so I doodled on my notebook.

"So, you sure have made an impression on my family," Edward stated, watching me scribble.

"Is that so?" I questioned, curious as to why he would think that, but cautious of his response.

"Yeah," he replied and darted his eyes to the front of the room where the teacher was now calling for our attention.

Mr. Banner began teaching, and I couldn't help but let my eyes wander towards Edward. He was beautiful, one of the most attractive boys I had ever seen. It was possible that Lauren was correct about him dating a model, heck, he was likely one himself, or at least, he definitely could be. I couldn't bring myself to believe he had done anything with me, knowingly. I mean, just look at him. He was a 'God' for fuck's sake, absolutely perfect. Why the hell would someone like him get involved with someone like me? It was just too preposterous to even think about.

Great! Those thoughts were back. I was doing just fine without them, and now they had to return and ruin my half-decent day.

The rest of the class went by quickly. The teacher taught the lesson very enthusiastically, you could tell this was a subject he thrived on. It was kind of refreshing; most teachers appeared to teach directly out of the damn textbook. I decided I liked him, even if it was for only that reason.

Edward answered questions only an AP student would know. Of course, he was a goddamn genius; he was perfect! I stared at his chiseled body. From time to time I'd catch him staring at me, as well, and I'd blush. When the bell rang, Edward rushed out of the room. I gathered my stuff and headed out, too. Only one more class to go. Thank God! This day was already way too long. I quickly checked my schedule and groaned. Gym! fan-fucking-tastic.

I walked to the gym and groaned. The teacher let me watch from the benches today, but tomorrow, I would have to dress in uniform and participate. I had this class with Mike, and surprisingly, he didn't ignore me, despite what Lauren and Jessica had said. I really didn't care if he talked to me or not. That class went by nice and quick as well. When the bell rang, I quickly made a beeline out the front door of the school in search of Charlie.

I instantly saw his police car parked along the curb. I pulled my hood up to block the rain and ran to the car. I climbed in and buckled my seat belt. "How was school?" Charlie questioned. I opened my mouth to answer, but chose my words carefully. I still wasn't used to people actually caring about how I spent my time and what I did, so I was still at bit uneasy.

"Good." It just wasn't good, it was fucking great, because that god-like creature had clouded my thoughts all damn day, and even though I knew I didn't stand a chance with the likes of him, it still made me giddy and awestruck just thinking about him, and that, alone, was a weird enough. It just wasn't something I had ever felt before.

When we arrived home, I headed upstairs to work on some homework, but I got bored rather quickly and reached for my old journal.

_Entry #2_

_Today was the worst day of my life, not only was school hell, but upon arriving home, I immediately realized my hellish morning had followed me there, as well. We had an assembly today, and I got picked to go on stage. I was nervous about the whole thing, but everyone encouraged me. It was a little competition game to see who could blow the biggest bubble. A man handed me and a few others a piece of gum that tasted really bad. I gagged, as did the others. Before I knew it, I was throwing up all over the stage, in front of everyone!_

_I ditched school and ran home; it was about one-thirty when I got into the shower. I tried not to cry, but it was just so embarrassing that I couldn't help it. When I was finished getting cleaned up and had ceased my sobbing, I wrapped myself in a towel and went to my dresser to find a pair of pajamas._

_My door banged open, and I gasped. Phil stood in the doorway wearing just a pair of shorts, "What are you doing here?" he asked. I clutched onto my towel. _

_"I got sick," I stated. He smiled, but there was no concern in his eyes._

_Phil walked into my room, looking at me as if he were seeing me for the first time. "I need to get dressed," I said to him uncomfortably. He just looked at me and nodded his head._

"_You sure have grown up, haven't you?" It wasn't a question. He leered at me and took a swig from the beer he was holding._

_"I'm bored; I want to have some fun," he said with a snort. "But since you are the only one here, and even though I doubt you will be able to entertain me for long… I don't have any other choice, so I guess I'll just settle for what I can get."_

_His statement confused the shit out of me, but it didn't take me long to figure out where he was going with it. Moments later, I felt my towel being ripped from my body as he threw me on the bed._

_He grabbed my ass and licked the side of my face. I begged him to stop, but this seemed to excite him even more. The more I begged, the rougher he got._

_He flipped me over and smacked my ass, hard. It stung and instantly brought tears to my eyes. I sobbed into the pillow as he ran his filthy fingers all over my quivering body, stopping just above my ass._

_He stopped moving all together, and for a second, I thought maybe, just maybe, he was finally going to stop. I held my breath and kept my mouth shut hoping the lack of noise coming from me might take the amusement of this from him, and he could move on to his next fucked up activity for the day._

_I heard a small groan come from behind me as he mumbled something about 'so nice and tight'. I wasn't sure what he was talking about, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but seconds later, I felt something, most likely his finger plunge into my ass. I screamed in pain and tried to wiggle from his grasp, knowing only moments later the attempt was futile._

_He plunged his fingers into me over and over again, and when I thought I would finally pass out from the pain, he miraculously stopped and released me. My body collapsed onto the bed, and I thought, at least he didn't kill me._

_But by the end of the night, he had stretched, ripped and broken so much of me that I had wished for the opposite. I wished he had just killed me at the start, which would have been much less painful._

_Hours later, he kicked me in the side as a goodbye-kiss and told me I was the worst lay he had ever had, grabbed his beer and walked out, slamming the door shut behind him._

_I let out an anguished wail as the door once again opened, and he yelled at me to make sure I cleaned myself up before Renee got home from work._

_I half crawled, half dragged myself to the bathroom and locked the door securely behind me. As I lay on the cold tiled floor, my whole body began shaking furiously, the room started to spin, and I sputtered for breath. The last thing I remember thinking, was 'God, please let me die now'._

_I woke up, still on the bathroom floor, sometime later, lying in a puddle of blood and sticky goo that had leaked out of and off of me. I finally managed to get in the shower. As my aching body sagged against the cold, tiled wall, I cried until I ran out of tears; I ran out of emotions; I ran out of faith; I ran out of trust and I ran out of humanity._

_On this day, I became nothing but a shell of a human. I was now tainted. No man would ever love me. I had let another have me, and I was a dirty rotten whore. I scrubbed my body so hard it hurt. But the more I scrubbed, the closer I came to washing the memories away. By the end of my shower, I was determined to put this behind me and pretend like it never happened. I would be more careful now. Lock my door at all times. And NEVER, EVER be alone with Phil._

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I quickly shut the book and shuddered. That was one of the worst days of my life.

**Well, that was hard to get through.**

**Reviews would be lovely.**

**Next update: Next week.**


	5. Melancholy

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this one shot is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-Twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**- Please consider yourself forewarned, this story has dark themes, graphic language and contains lemons in later chapters. Rape, abuse, drug and alcohol abuse-**

**Thanks to Ann for looking this over for me.**

**Melancholy ~ a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual or prolonged; depression.**

**EPOV**

"Edward Anthony Cullen, get your cute, little butt down here and help get these tables set up, NOW," Alice shrieked from the bottom of the grand staircase.

Gah. Did that girl ever stop? Don't get me wrong, I love my sister; _really,_ I do. In fact, she was the closest thing I had to a best friend. But, man, did she ever overdo things, like this party tonight, for instance. She had spent over sixteen hours on the net buying and renting anything and everything she could find; Ice sculptures, tables, banners, streamers, chairs, table cloths, food and refreshments, lighting, a DJ, staging, kegs, every kind of alcohol imaginable with every mix possible as well, outfits for her and her best friend Rosalie and outfits for her boyfriend Jasper, myself and our brother Emmett.

Don't even get me started on what had already transpired today; the constant ringing of the doorbell as delivery guys came and went, the banging and drilling… shrieking and screaming… thumping and more banging. FUCK! Why couldn't I just go home? Home, what a sweet, yet bitter word. How I enjoyed the confines of those four blue walls. Have I mentioned that blue is my favorite color?

However, Alice had so graciously offered all of our help when her friend Rosalie had announced she was throwing an 'Almost the end of the school-year bash'. Like, really… what the fuck was that anyway? Couldn't it just wait until the _actual_ end of the school-year? I mean, there was only like less than two months left of school, anyways. But nope, Rosalie had insisted, and since my sister, Alice, was always the one to throw the actual 'year-end bash', Rosalie decided she would throw the next best thing, since her parents had so nicely decided to be away this weekend. Hence, the opportunity presented itself, and Rosalie jumped all over it, reining Alice in to help her, and Alice dragging me, Emmett and Jasper along for the ride.

She was insane, I tell ya. For a petite pixie of no more than one hundred pounds and no taller than four-feet, ten-inches, she sure was a vixen when thwarted. So yep, I knew better than to say no to her.

I threw my legs over the bed and made my way begrudgingly down the stairs.

Four hours! Four _freakin'_ hours later, I was finally allowed to retreat back to the safety of the room I had been assigned for this disastrous event, where I would stay all night if I had any say in the matter. But my sister was Alice, and Alice was Alice, so there was no way in hell I would be able to pull that off without some serious ass-dire consequences to suffer later on.

Four more hours until the god-awful event would begin, ten more hours until the whole fucking thing would _finally_ be over with, and less than twenty-four hours until I would back in my sanctuary, back in my room.

I decided to lie down and rest my eyes and my throbbing head for a bit before I was subjected to whatever torture Alice had in store for me this evening. I lowered myself to the bed and let my eyes flutter closed, thinking back to a time when life wasn't so complicated and the voices in my head had yet to appear.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

"_Hey, Edward, get in here. The water is beautiful."_

"_I don't know, Alicia. It looks cold, and those waves are really picking up. Maybe you should come out now, and we can come back tomorrow when the weather is calmer." I eyed the thunderous waves slapping against Alicia's small frame._

"_Don't be such a baby, Edward. Look, it's fine. It's just a bit of water." With that, she dived under to prove her point. When she didn't resurface immediately, I began to panic. Where was she? Why wasn't she coming back up? I was just about to jump in and start searching the raging waters for my girlfriend's waterlogged body when she bounced back up grinning like a Cheshire cat and began taunting me, yet again._

"_Ha! Did I scare you, Edward? Come on, I told you the big bad water was not going to hurt me, and I meant it." Just then, a massive wave hit her from behind, and I saw her body sail forward and under. This time, when she didn't immediately resurface, I didn't panic. I knew she was messing around with me, and quite frankly, I was sick of it. I was tired of her games, and most of all, I was tired of feeling like a God-forsaken 'babysitter' every time I was out with my girlfriend. I had never dated anyone besides Alicia, but I was positive this was not what it should be like._

_I pulled myself from my thoughts, ready to tell her that she could take her childish games and shove them up her ass. However, there was still no sign of her. I frantically looked up and down the shore, thinking maybe she had already came out and was now fucking with me in yet another way, but there was no sign of her anywhere. I scrambled off the rock I was perched on, and in my haste, I sliced my leg open. I winced as blood began pouring from the gash and ran like a mad man towards the angry water. I dove in head first and began searching frantically, desperate to find her and drag her from the water whether this was still a game or not._

_I dove deeper and deeper, but there was no sign of Alicia. My lungs felt like they were about to burst. I had no choice; I had to resurface and get some air. I bobbed to the surface and immediately began sputtering water from my lungs. I coughed and gagged as tears now formed in my eyes. I dove back under and swam a bit farther from the shoreline. The wind was picking up, and the water was thrashing about, tossing around anything that dared to enter it, in this case… me. It kept pulling me under, deeper and deeper, until I could no longer see the light from the surface of the water. I thrashed my arms about and flailed wildly, kicking and pumping my legs against the raging water. Black spots started invading my vision, making it harder for me to find the surface. I could hear Alicia calling out to me. Where was she? I searched the surrounding water; she sounded so close. It almost seemed like she were right beside me, whispering in my ear. Slowly, her words came into focus._

"Edward, stop struggling and let the water take you to shore."

_I was so tired, and now, confusion and defeat were taking over my mind and body. I slowly ceased my movements and allowed myself to fall back, floating face up under the dark, angry water until I could hear and feel no more._

"_Sir, Can you hear me? Sir, if you can hear me… please just nod your head if you can."_

_I could hear and understand what this man wanted of me, but I could not make my body comply._

"_Sir, does it hurt anywhere?" Of course it hurts, you asshole. Everything hurts. Man, was that a stupid question._

_I heard another man shout, "He's losing consciousness again. Get an IV in him and the respirator on. Let's get him loaded and to the hospital."_

_Then there was nothing but blackness._

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep.

Someone shut that God-awful fucking alarm clock off, now, or I swear to God, it will meet its doom.

I flung my arm from my bed and reached for the offensive sound. My hand slammed into something hard and warm, something that shouldn't have been where it was.

"Hey, man, get the fuck up. It's almost party time, buddy. What the hell are you doing sleeping in the middle of the day, anyways, fucker?" Emmett's voiced boomed beside me.

I pried my sleep-ridden eyes open and glared at the ginormous man towering over me.

"What the hell, Emmett? Can't a guy get any sleep around this fucking house? How in the hell did you get in here, anyway? I locked the fucking door."

"I'm a mother-fucking genius, that's how, but that's the least of your worries, right now. Alice is on her way up, and if she doesn't find you dolled up and ready to party, she's going to go all postal on your ass, dude. So, you'd better be nice to me. I could have just let her come and get you, ya know." He chuckled as I jumped from the bed and scurried towards the adjoining bathroom.

"Throw me my clothes, will you… I've got to get dressed, and fast," I sputtered, fumbling for the light on the bathroom wall.

Emmett tossed me my clothing and headed for the door. I could still hear his booming laughter from down the hall as he greeted Alice in a sickeningly-sweet and suspicious way while he passed her in the hallway. Oh shit! I quickly pulled my pants up and fumbled with the button. I had just thrown the shirt over my head, when Alice came bounding through my door.

"Edward, you in here?" she called out. I threw my fingers through my hair, trying to change the bed-head look to more of a tousled, casual look. Good enough. I poked my head from the bathroom and called Alice over. She looked me up and down with a firm nod of her head.

"You and that hair of yours, Edward. I know the girls seem to find it sexy, but can you _honestly_ actually do anything with it?" she grumbled as she ran her fingers through my hair, pulling at it from all directions, trying to get it to behave. Ha. Fat chance. Plus, I really did like it this way, less hassle. Just towel dry and go.

By the time I made my way downstairs, the party was already in full swing. People were everywhere, dancing and drinking in the living room… drinking and chatting in the kitchen…. making out in the main floor bedrooms… getting sick in the bathroom… swimming in the pool… stumbling on the front yard… doing keg-stands in the dining room. Nowhere was safe, so I chose a dark corner in the living room, near the back window. I had a nice view of the yard, and I could quietly drink myself stupid while laughing at everyone else's silly antics.

Alice had come over briefly and asked me if I was enjoying the party. I smiled and gave her the praise she was looking for. She let me be with only a bit of a fuse about me sulking in a corner. Thank God.

I cracked open what I believed to be my forth beer or maybe it was my fifth. I hadn't really been counting, but it couldn't have been more than my sixth. I scanned the room, taking in every little detail of every single person.

I saw Lauren making her way around the room. Shit! I prayed she wouldn't see me over here. Before she even got a chance to look for me, I saw Rosalie storm up to her, demanding to know where she got the nerve to come to this party. Lauren shrugged and said something along the lines of, "Someone of her status was always welcome at these parties". Rosalie let out a small snort and said, "Like hell you are," and grabbed her by the arm and tossed her out the front door. Now, that was a sight I never wanted to forget.

Jessica was there, throwing her drunken ass at Newton who was grabbing at any other girl in the room besides Jessica. This didn't seem to deter her though; she just kept on a trying. Surprisingly, by midnight, I watched them swagger into the bathroom hand in hand. I wondered what they are going to do! Ha! Hell, I knew what they were going to do. The whole school knew what they always did when induced with an insane amount of alcohol. About twenty minutes later, Newton emerged from the bathroom with Jessica hot on his tail, looking like she had just climbed off a motorcycle. She grabbed at Mike's arm to slow him down, he turned and glared at her, his mouth opened but before he got a chance to say anything to her, she heaved forward and threw up all over him. Newton gasped and called her a "slutty bitch," while the rest of the room erupted into hysterical laughter. I couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped my lips. I mean, come on, that was some seriously funny shit.

Once Jessica stormed off, in what I assumed was a humiliated state, I peered outside expecting to once again see the empty deck. Instead, I saw a girl with long chestnut hair stumble onto the back deck, grabbing the rail to support herself. Seconds later, I watched as Tyler approached her from behind. Of course, a girl as sexy as she was, with an ass like that, was with a creep like Tyler. As my eyes began to wander, I saw her pull away from him and start shaking her small fist at him. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but by the look on Tyler's face, it definitely wasn't what he wanted to hear. I watched him kiss her square on the lips. She pulled back and smacked him right across the face, ouch… that looked like it stung… but then that fucker had the nerve to turn around and hit her right back. I saw red, and before I knew it, I too, was on the porch, pulling that asshole off of the Goddess-like girl and bashing him right in the mouth. "That is no way to treat a fucking lady, you creep. Now apologize to her and get the fuck out of my sight before I do some more damage," I growled at him, rage coursing through my veins. I wanted to beat him to a pulp, but knew, even in my half drunken state, I would regret it tomorrow. I hoped my one punch was enough for him to suffer a bit for even just a little while.

"Are you okay, Miss?" I questioned softly, helping the young girl up.

Her cheek was already starting to bruise. _Man, she must bruise easily. Damn._

She shook her head as tears started streaming from her fear-ridden eyes. She was trembling. She looked scared. I hoped it was not me she was afraid of. She slowly pushed herself from the rail and took a tentative step forward and swayed back. I caught her and held her by the waist.

She looked up at me with the most gorgeous, big, brown eyes I had ever seen and spoke in a soft pleading voice, "Please, can you just take me somewhere safe and quiet. I just need to get away for a bit." I couldn't deny her if I wanted to.

I helped her into the house and grabbed a six pack off the counter and an ice pack from the freezer before leading her upstairs. I took her to the room I would be using for the night. I made sure to lock the door behind us so no drunken morons could come barging in.

I motioned towards the adjoining washroom and told her she was welcome to freshen up if she wished. She smiled gratefully at me and swaggered into the bathroom.

I perched on the edge of the bed and cracked another beer, resting the cold bottle against my, now swollen, knuckles and hissing at the pain.

When she came out of the bathroom, she immediately joined me on the bed, sitting Indian style and asked for a beer. I handed her one and smiled. I loved it when a girl drank beer. I hated those sissy girly drinks they usually drank. They were too much of a hassle to make and way too sweet. That, and I just found in plain sexy when I saw a woman with a beer in her hand. WHAT? So, I am a fucking weirdo, whatever!

We spent hours talking about anything and everything. She giggled, a lot. I wondered if she was always like that or if it was just the alcohol causing her hysteria. Either way, it was cute.

I learned quickly we had a lot in common. She loved reading, and the books she mentioned were among some of my favorites, as well. She was a music-lover, just like me, and had even heard of Debussy which surprised the hell out of me. I told her so, too. She just flung her luscious hair over her shoulder and looked me straight in the eyes and said in a soft, sensual tone, "There's a lot about me I am sure would shock the pants off of you, handsome." My eyes widened in shock. Her words didn't make complete sense, but I caught the gist of it. Wait! Was she shitting on me? Did she just call me 'handsome'?

I felt a burning blush creep across my face and prayed she couldn't see it in the scantly lit room.

I fumbled with my words, trying to think up something smart and cocky to reply with, but came up blank.

As I returned my attention to her, she bounced across the bed and landed right in my lap. I raised my hands almost in a surrender-like way and stared at the temptress now bouncing in my lap.

I was shocked by her actions. Hell, shocked wasn't even the word to describe it. I didn't know what it was. Heck, I didn't have it in me to care. Right now, all I could think about was the fact that this amazingly gorgeous girl was bouncing on my lap, and it felt great! Too great, actually. I felt my jeans tighten and groaned and prayed she didn't notice the obvious bulge.

"You're sexy, you know that?" she hummed in my ear, her soft breath grazing across my cheek and sending ripples of pleasure through my body.

"Thanks," was my ingenious reply. She giggled once again as her lips came crashing down on mine. That was all it took for me to come undone.

I snaked my arms around her waist and pulled her closer to me, never once letting our lips part. My tongue slid along her bottom lip, begging for entrance. She immediately parted her lips, and our tongues connected in the most passionate of ways. They danced together, dominantly. My hands roamed her back and down her side, stopping at her firm ass and squeezing it gently. She moaned softly into my mouth. I pulled my lips away and attacked her soft pale neck, kissing and licking and placing soft bites all over it. She groaned loud and shaky as I nipped at her ear lobe, and she ground into my already raging erection. I hissed. She giggled, apparently finding my reaction funny.

I tossed her back onto the bed and crawled towards her. She sat up and smiled a sexy-ass smile at me as she lifted her shirt over her head. My eyes roamed over the newly-exposed flesh, and I moaned in appreciation. God, she was beautiful. I kissed my way up her belly, stopping to lavish her belly button with a few licks and swirls of my tongue. "Oh… Edward," she moaned huskily. My dick twitched at the delicious sound.

We stayed like this for what felt like forever, kissing and grinding with her moaning my name. Hell, we could have stayed like this for the entire night and you wouldn't have found me complaining.

She shifted slightly below me, rubbing herself against my throbbing cock. A hiss escaped my lips as my head fell back from the spasm of pleasure that shot through me. She slowly lowered her hand between our bodies and began undoing the buttons on my pants. I panicked. I had never had _actual _sex before. Making out… _sure_… and lots of it. But in all honesty, I was still a virgin. I wasn't sure, in my current state of mind, if I wanted to lose my virginity this way. She must have seen the hesitation in my eyes.

"Don't worry, Edward. I just want to feel you," she whispered softly. I relaxed my body and let her continue.

She grabbed my dick with her soft, little hand and began stroking it gently, running her palm along my length and up and over the head, over and over. She raised her head to mine and attacked my lips hungrily. Moaning every so often. God, fuck. She was enjoying this, too.

"Hmm, Edward, you're so big… come for me, baby. Please come for me." Oh shit, now she was talking to me, with words like…those. My body flew over the edge as my hips bucked forward and my head dropped back. I groaned loudly as I came violently. My arms started trembling and gave out a few moments later, so I shifted my body so I was half lying on her and half beside her.

She smiled at me and whispered, "So beautiful," before closing her eyes and drifting to sleep. I wrapped my arms tightly around her frail, soft body and let my eyes flutter shut. Just as I was falling into a deep sleep, it occurred to me that I didn't even know this beautiful stranger's name.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…

"Argh. I'm awake. Shut up, already!"

It was now Monday, and time to return to normal school life.

One more week until I could sleep in, again, and one more week until I could drink myself into oblivion, again. I sighed as I crawled out of the comfort of my bed and made my way to the bathroom to get ready for school.

This weekend had gone by rather quickly for me, considering I had spent the entire time either hung over or driving myself insane trying to figure out who the gorgeous brunette was I had spent the night with Friday.

How the hell had I forgotten to ask her what her name was? I tried asking Alice… but she wasn't sure whom I was referring to. Rose just brushed me off and told me she had better things to worry about. The guys had no clue either, but had seemed intrigued by the fact I was even asking about a girl in the first place. I dropped it right fast after they said that. I sure as hell didn't want to give them any reason to badger me, especially in the seriously hung-over state I was in.

The morning seemed to stretch on as the teacher prattled on about something I had absolutely no interest in. All I could think about was how many more hours I would have to endure this torture before I could be securely locked away in the safe confines of my bedroom with my trusty bong. Today was not a good day for me!

I had many days like this since… since all that stuff happened with Alicia. Especially, since I started hearing her voice, and realizing I was the only one who could.

The bell finally rang, signaling lunch and a whole hour that I could wallow in self-pity before enduring yet another round of the boring mundane bull-crap that the teachers taught these days.

I quickly grabbed the first couple of things my hands found, not even paying attention to what I was placing on my tray, and with eyes down and hoodie up, I made my way to our regular table.

As I approached the table, I could hear Alice chatting away as usual. I lifted my head, and my breath caught in my throat. Alice was talking to _her_… the girl from Friday night. Oh shit! Would she say anything to me? What would I say to her? Oh shit! What if she regretted it? What if she didn't want to see me? I took a few deep breaths and regained my composure as I slid in beside Jasper, and immediately dove into the mysterious meal on my tray. I wasn't quite sure what it was, something that resembled pasta, maybe rice. Either way, it gave me something to do while I tried to figure out what the hell I should say.

I decided to try a sneakier tactic and see if she would let on that she recognized me.

With my mouth still half full of food, I muffled out, "Hey, aren't you the new girl?" _Brilliant, Edward. Just brilliant! Not only have you now disgusted her, but you've completely betrayed the sense that you have no recollection of her what-so-ever. SHIT!_ But she just bobbed her head up and down, not showing any sign of recognition.

I guess she was too drunk! "Edward, this is Bella," Alice informed me. I nodded and let out a small grunt as I shoveled another spoonful of the mystery food into my already overstuffed mouth.

Everyone started chatting away about random things such as music and movies. I tuned them out and finished up my food.

I looked up as my gorgeous brunette stranger, who I now knew as Bella, was rising from her seat stating she'd catch us later. I let out a huge sigh of relief as I watched her walk away and towards Lauren fucking Mallory's table, of all places.

What in the hell was I going to do? I couldn't get this girl out of my head, and she didn't even remember me.

Damn! I was so screwed.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Teenagers can be so dense :-S

Reviews will be replied to in the form of teasers.


	6. The Torture Before the Storm

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this one shot is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**- Please consider yourself forewarned, this story has dark themes, graphic language and contains lemons in later chapters. Rape, abuse, drug and alcohol abuse-**

**Ann looks over my chapters and makes sure my dumb-ass doesn't miss the simple things. My readers make me smile with each and every review they write. You're all just so damn spunktacular. Snickers~**

**The torture before the storm~**

**BPOV**

The past two months had been the best of my fucking life. Well, maybe I was exaggerating things a bit, but since I couldn't remember my early childhood, I thought it was safe to say this was the happiest I'd ever been. Of course, I didn't make it to the finish line in one straight course, there were a few curves and bumps, but I made it with a smile on my face.

Instead of having no friends, I now had five, and a few nice classmates who treated me with respect.

Emmett and his friends never stated that we were friends, we just _were_. It felt right, it felt natural, and it was fucking _amazing_. I had even become somewhat friends with Edward, who had ignored me most of my time here. I was still flabbergasted that I had come this far unscathed. Well, almost unscathed. I _was_ on the hate-list of a _few_ people.

Every day, following the incident in which I sat next to the Hales and the Cullens, I had been given the stink-eye by Lauren, Jessica and Tyler. I couldn't care less since this always happened to me, but it was the pranks and embarrassing acts that really ground my gears. I recalled their first prank they had pulled on me and unconsciously growled.

_It was my tenth day at Forks High. I went to grab the ketchup for my fries when I noticed another hand beat me to it. I looked over to see Jessica sneering, "Oops, sorry. I didn't know the princess used condiments." She spoke with venom in each word, and it made me want to smack her crooked, snarled mouth. _

_"She sure does," I said back to her. She glared at me and threw the ketchup bottle on my tray. I laughed and went back to my lunch table with my friends._

_"Bella, Ella, Fee Fi Fo Fella," Emmett sang as I approached the table. I smiled at him and sat beside Jasper. _

_"I am so fucking glad this school year is almost over," Rosalie said while doing homework. She had three text books open, along with three notebooks. The pen in her hand skittered across them as she tried to finish quickly._

_"I know what you mean. I have so much work to catch up on," Emmett said while stuffing food in his mouth._

_"Oh please, you're so going to be stuck in summer school," Edward mumbled from behind a book._

_Edward and I had been ignoring each other. It felt better that way. I think it was pretty safe to say he didn't remember me, and the best way to keep it like that was to make sure I didn't give him any reason to try. I giggled and squeezed ketchup onto my fries and hamburger._

_"Who invented summer school anyway? I've always wanted to murder the person who came up with the preposterous idea. Seriously, thinking and learning in the summer has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. Someone should hurry up and find that guy and silence him, once and for all. Next thing you know, they will start night school, too," Emmett growled, glaring at Edward, who wasn't paying attention._

_I choked on the piece of fry I had just started chewing. "Tell me you didn't just say that, Emmett. Oh my god. Like really, night school has been around for ages, now." I chuckled as he scratched his head. The others just laughed while shaking their heads in amusement._

_I took a hungry bite of my hamburger. "Damn, Bella, you have got to have the biggest mouth I have ever seen on a girl." Emmett clutched his sides as he shook with laughter._

_"What? It wasn't that big of a bite. I'm hungry. Leave me alone." My reply was muffled by the large amount of food I had shoveled into my mouth._

_Surprisingly, the burger was good, but something was off. My hamburger was... hot, spicy. Too spicy. I spit the burning food out and started waving my hand in front of my tongue._

_"You alright, Bella?" Alice questioned, watching my pathetic hand-fan. I shook my head. "Hot," I said, reaching for my soda. I took a large gulp, but the burning didn't subside._

_"It can't be that hot," Emmett stated, and reached for one of my ketchup covered fries. I tried to stop him, I really did._

_He stuck it in his mouth. "See, Bella, not hot." Just as a smirk was beginning to form on his cocky face, he coughed and spit it out on his plate and copied my hand waving. Jasper reached for the bottle and sniffed it. "This isn't ketchup," he stated. I raised my eyebrows at him. __No shit, Sherlock. _

_"HOT!" Emmett shouted loudly, the cafeteria went silent and we all stared at him. His face was turning red, and his tongue looked swollen._

_"Emmett, why on earth would you eat Blair's Ultimate Mega Hot sauce?" Edward shouted at him. _

_Emmett didn't rat me out, which I was grateful for because Edward looked like he was going to strangle someone. _

_"You know you're allergic to that!" he screamed, while Emmett began to sweat. Alice jumped up, "Oh no!" She pulled out her cell phone and called 911._

_He was rushed away to the hospital, and everyone gathered around while we watched him get strapped down onto a gurney and get whisked away. In the background, I heard Lauren's familiar voice. "Shit! Why couldn't that happen to Bella?" I heard two familiar laughs, "Well. On to plan B," Tyler whispered, rather loudly. I turned around and glared at them, but they were already walking away._

_I lived the next few days in fear, but nothing bad was happening. Emmett recovered nicely and even laughed about the whole thing._

_"At least, I got out of math," he joked. Fucking crazy sadistic shithead. I figured they had learned from that last little stunt and that they weren't going to do anything to harm me or my friends anymore, but as soon as I let my guard down, they struck, full force._

_It was a full on war, and I didn't have a weapon to fight back with._

_One morning, I woke up late and rushed to school. I groggily walked to my locker, but to my surprise, my lock was glued to the door. I couldn't get in my fucking locker. I went to the office and told them about it. They told me they'd have it unstuck before second period and that I should just go to class._

_I got there and was immediately bitched out by the teacher because I didn't have my books. I explained to him what happened, and he warily let the subject drop. When class was over, I went to my locker. I was grateful to see that someone had gotten the lock un-stuck and grabbed my books and headed off to history. I had my next class with Tyler. He had never showed up to that class since my first day here. When I walked in, I went to my desk and sat down and waited for the bell to ring._

_Tyler walked up to me and sat at the corner of my desk. I grimaced. "So, you ready for the test today?"_

_"Test, there isn't a test." I was positive there wasn't going to be one. I mean, I would have studied my ass off last night if there was going to be one._

_"Yeah there is, look," Tyler said and pointed to the white board in front of the classroom. Scrawled in big, bold, white letters, the chalkboard read 'Test Today'. I started panicking. I didn't study. What subject was it on? Was it multi-choice? Could I take a re-take? I opened up my text book and started studying everything I learned since I had been here. The bell rang, and the teacher came in. I watched him in a panic induced coma-like state. I was waiting for him to clap his hands and tell us to clear our desk, but he just looked at the bored, raised his eyebrows, and erased it._

_I looked over at Tyler who was laughing so hard, as was the rest of the class. They were all in on this? Why didn't they say anything? I spent the rest of the class period hunched over, fighting the tears that were welling up._

_My next class period went by without any pranks, but I was dreading Trig, and not just because of the math; I had it with Jessica. I wondered what evil scheme she had up her sleeve._

_I was still sitting beside her, but she did her very best to ignore me. I went into the classroom and checked my seat before I sat down. When I was sure there wasn't a 'whoopee cushion' or any super glue, I sat down and waited._

_Nothing happened during the beginning of the class. The teacher gave us work to do; the classroom went silent as we all tried to figure out this brain-busting work. Suddenly, a loud vibrating noise came somewhere next to me. My cell phone was in pocket so I knew that it wasn't the cause of it. I looked down at my backpack. The noise was coming from deep inside._

_Before I could get to it and figure it out, the teacher reached down and picked it up. "I will not tolerate cell phones in my class," he stated, reaching into my back pack. His face puckered, and he pulled something out, it was bright pink and jiggling in his hands. It was a vibrator, and a large one, at that. It vibrated in his hand, and he looked at me questioningly. The whole class broke into a large fit of laughter._

_My face was the reddest it could ever be. I looked over to see Jessica grinning at me wickedly._

_I was so thankful when the bell rang. I scampered out of the room and went to lunch without getting any food. I sat at the table, pulled my hood up, and waited for the rest of my life to be over._

_"So, Bella…" I heard Rosalie say as she sat down with the rest of them."Rough day?" I figured she was going to say something nasty, but her face was full of concern. I smiled and nodded my head; they didn't linger on the subject. Instead, they talked about other things. Alice was so sweet, she even shared her lunch with me. Lunch went by safely, as did Biology. It was gym that I was worried about; I had it with Jessica._

_I went to the locker room and changed. As I went to put more deodorant on, I noticed something was off. I looked at the white stuff and touched it with my finger. It didn't feel like the powdery stuff I was used to, it felt almost like cheese. It _was_ cheese. I quickly threw it away and ignored Jessica's snickers. I finished getting dressed and headed out to the gym._

_When I returned from the gym, I quickly got dressed and left the locker room. It wasn't until I was safely outside that I realized what the last prank was. I glared at the people laughing at me and glanced down. There was red covering my crotch area, it was obviously paint, but the whole thing was ridiculous. "Bella, I think... umm," Emmett said behind me. I turned and growled at him. "It's paint."_

_It was then that he decided we needed to do some pay back. At one in the morning, Emmett and I snuck over to Tyler's house. We climbed up the side of his house with the ladder Emmett had thankfully brought atop of his large Jeep. Luckily, his window was unlocked. Emmett pulled something out of his pocket and smiled at me. He turned on the little device and shaved off Tyler's eyebrows and then his hair. Still sleeping, Tyler moved onto his stomach, giving us the perfect place to put a gay flag sticker._

_We set his alarm clock to go off late and we left, heading to our next destination._

_When we reached Jessica's, I grabbed a dog leash and tied it to the back of her car, with the collar attached. Emmett pulled out a white plastic glove and looked at me with mad-man eyes. "What are you doing?" He chuckled and ran to the lawn. He bent down and picked something up. As he ran past me, I noticed it was dog shit. "What the fuck, Emmett!" I hissed at him. With his free hand, he motioned for me to be silent._

_He went to the driver's side and rubbed the poop underneath the door handle. I had to cover my mouth so I wouldn't wake up anyone with my laughter. I thought that was good enough, but apparently Emmett didn't. He opened up the hood of the car and ran back with more poop. He stuck it somewhere deep in the car and shut the hood._

_"Now for the 'queen bee'." I nodded my head, still shaking with laughter, as we drove to Lauren's house. I insisted that I had this one, and Emmett just smiled and let me out of the car. Lauren's window was unlocked, as well, making this much easier. I climbed into her room and smiled when I noticed she was asleep on her stomach. I grabbed a pair of scissors she had on her desk and hacked at her long blond hair, leaving it jagged and horribly short._

_I noticed that she had her clothes picked out for the next day, so I quickly grabbed her pants and used the scissors and cut a hole in the back of them. I set her alarm clock to go off late, like we did with Tyler. I smiled to myself as I darted out of the house and ran back to Emmett's car. He drove me home and high-fived me with a dirty little scheming chuckle, and I slept soundly until it was time to go to school._

_Emmett picked me up with Rose, and we stayed out in front of the school to watch the hysteria that was surely about to unfold. Alice, Jasper and Edward joined us._

_Jessica arrived first. She got out of her car with a pissed off look on her face. "Fucking bitch!" I heard someone yell. She looked back to notice people glaring at her and the back of her car. She slammed the door and went to the back of her car. She saw the leash, and it looked like she shit her pants._

_She dodged the stares and started running to the front doors. As she passed us, Emmett bellowed out, "Whoa, it smells like shit," while waving his hand back and forth in front of his face and scrunching up his nose._

_It really did. The poop that was underneath her hood must have coated her with the scent as it burned. She glared at us and disappeared inside. The bell rang, and I really couldn't wait for the rest of the day. I practically ran to second period. I kept my eyes on the door until Tyler appeared with a flushed face. "Nice hair," someone called out. Tyler opened his mouth, but shook his head and took his seat._

_He sat next to another boy. "What's up fag?" Tyler looked at the boy, and the rest of the class started to laugh. The gay flag sticker had stayed on his head. It almost looked like a tattoo. In trig, I went to sit by Jessica, but the fumes were way awful. "Bella, please sit down," the teacher said with a scowl._

_"I'm sorry, but Jessica smells really, really bad." The teacher looked at Jessica who was cowering in her seat. The class started to laugh, and the teacher just shook his head. "Alright, take another seat, then."_

_Lunch had to be the best, most hilarious, thing ever, what with Tyler's hairless self, Jessica's shitty smell and Lauren's granny panties and horrible hair cut. We were actually going to say jokes about it, but the rest of the school beat us to it. Emmett and I high fived in glory and went on about the pranks for the rest of the day. I didn't think they'd have the gall to prank us back ever again._

_The next day at school went by really great. I didn't even feel the need to worry about being 'pranked'. During second period, I used a hall pass and went to the bathroom. The power went out as I was washing my hands, followed by the fire alarm. I immediately headed for the door, but it wouldn't open._

_Smoke reached the bathroom. I turned around and noticed fire licking out of a vent. I started pounding against the door. I did this for a good five minutes, but nobody came to my rescue. I was about to try go out the window until I noticed the fire had blocked it. I started thrashing against the door, screaming help over and over again._

_I felt tears brim against my burning eyes, the smoke filled my lungs, and I started to choke. I was sure I was going to die until the door swung open, and I saw an angel._

_"Bella, what the fuck are you doing in here?" It was Edward. Edward was going to save me. I felt myself get light-headed, and I started to fall. Edward caught me and picked me up bridal style._

_"I need to get you out of here," he whispered. I remember shutting my eyes and feeling euphoric._

_I woke up in a bright room. I heard whispers and moved my eyes to the noise. I saw Edward sitting beside me, his face in his hands as he mumbled things, "Edward?" I croaked. His head whipped up and he looked at me. "Hey, Bella," he said with a small smile. I was confused. Since when did Edward care about me? Since when did he even speak to me?_

_"What happened?" I questioned. He pursed his lips and pulled up my blanket. "A prank," he stated._

_"A prank?" I repeated. He nodded his head._

_"More like revenge." He then jumped into the tale of how Lauren, Jessica and Tyler tried to kill me. Of course, they claimed it was just a prank gone terribly bad, and they never meant for me to be harmed. They got expelled, which was awesome._

Now, I was friends with Edward, which made me a lot happier than I thought it would. It was nice being in a place where people accepted you. I went to bed with a smile on my face, and I woke up with it still there.

The only time my smile did fade was when I allowed my mind to wander back into the past, to a not so happy time. I pulled my diary out and flipped to the entry I was looking for, and repressed memories resurfaced with a vengeance.

~~~oo~~~

_**Entry #3**_

_It was an accident, all of it was. I really didn't mean to almost kill him, but I couldn't stand the rape anymore. I had to do something._

_Phil often got me out of school early, just so he could 'have some fun'. On our way home, he'd touch me and make me touch him back. It was repulsive, but I didn't want to get hurt, so I did what he told me to do. _

_As soon as we were inside, he'd jump me and start forcing me to have sex with him. I remember the tears I shed and the repetitive pleas coming from my mouth. Before I knew it, my hand was reaching out to the baseball bat the rested beside the front door._

_Phil let go of me at the wrong time, or maybe the perfect time, and I grabbed the bat and bashed it against his head. He fell onto his knees with a loud thud and collapsed on the floor. I didn't stop after he was unconscious. I beat him with the bat over and over again, a blinding rage over taking my commonsense. Blood gushed out from every part of his twisted face, and I could have sworn I saw his brain. But I was just so angry that I couldn't stop myself. I cried and I hit… cried… hit._

_I am not sure what is going to happen now. The police came just after my mom arrived home and found me sobbing over his battered, broken body. They took my statement, and surprisingly, they let me go home. Child protective services showed up on my doorstep not long after and had asked to interview me, as well. I spoke with them briefly, but I got irritated with their line of questioning rather fast, and bluntly told them to get the fuck out of my house. There was nothing they could do to help me anyways; I would turn eighteen in just a few months. They knew I was right, and with one last look of sympathy from them, I slammed the door._

_~~~oo~~~_

I reached behind my bed and pulled out the bottle of Jack Daniels I now kept hidden there and took a huge swig. The cool liquid warmed my insides, instantly. It was a good feeling. One I had grown to depend on, a numbing feeling, a temporary release from all the pain that usually overtook me.

An hour later, the bottle was almost empty and my mind was something of mush. Thoughts of Edward swirled through my head… dirty sinful thoughts; things I would do to him if I was ever given the chance. The crotch of my pants was mysteriously drenched. I lowered my hand to feel the wet spot, my swimming mind trying to figure out just how the hell the spot had got there, and as my fingers grazed over the wet spot, my legs buckled slightly and a small moan escaped my lips.

Oh my fucking god! I had caused the wet spot, my thoughts of Edward… Shit! I was hornier than hell. I was too drunk and too confused; I had never felt this way before. Aside from Phil, I was a virgin; I had never yearned for another this way. But this feeling was slowly taking over my entire being. I knew what I was about to do, and I knew it was a horrible idea, but as I pulled on my hoodie and stumbled out my door, the horny thoughts raged on, pushing me closer with each step to my destination, and hopefully toward my release.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Reviews are better than horny, wandering Bella. Any guesses on where she's headed? Dun dun dun…**


	7. And the Thunder Rolls

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this one shot is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Ann goes over my chapters. Thanks, doll.**

**- Please consider yourself forewarned, this story has dark themes, graphic language and contains lemons in later chapters. Rape, abuse, drug and alcohol abuse-**

**And the thunder rolls~**

**EPOV**

Click… click… click…

What the hell was that sound? I turned my music off and listened intently for a moment. Nothing. _Shit, man, you're losing it, _I thought to myself.

I turned the music back on and resumed my position on the couch, flicked my lighter and took another long hit from my bong. I found the more stoned I got, the less I heard Alicia; and the less I heard Alicia, the saner I felt… and the _saner_ I felt, the more normal I seemed. It was a confusing little game I played with myself, but for the most part, it worked, and that was essentially all that mattered to me. I grasped futilely to any bit of sanity I still had intact.

Tap… click… tap…

Okay, now I knew I definitely wasn't hearing things. I sprung towards the window and heaved it open, squinting into the darkness. "I know it's you, Emmett, ha ha funny. Now, fuck off and find someone else to amuse yourself with." What a fucker. Couldn't he ever just leave me alone?

"Pssstt… psstt… it's not Emmett, it's _me_," came a girl's voice, slurring from somewhere in the darkness. I stood there stunned for a second before I found my voice. "Who the hell is _me_?" I called into the darkness.

Bella emerged from behind a tree and dropped a handful of pebbles to the ground, smiling up at me sheepishly and staggering as she made her way closer to the house. "Come sneak me in the back door, Edward," she giggled. "I want to show you something." More giggles followed. I nodded my head and held my finger to my mouth, wishing she would be a bit quieter. It was late, and I didn't want to wake my parents up. I had no idea how I would explain this. What the hell was she doing here, anyways?

I quickly, and as quietly as possible, snuck Bella up the stairs and into my room. Thank God my parents were sound sleepers.

I softly shut the door behind me and snapped the lock in place, making sure no one could come in and bust me for having a girl in my room without giving me enough time to hide her first.

I turned towards Bella, "What the hell are…" I didn't get to finish that question because as soon as I had fully turned her way, her lips were all over mine. I groaned against the feeling of her sweet, warm lips. I could taste a faint hint of alcohol on her breath, but hell if I cared. Nothing could stop me from kissing this gorgeous creature, now.

I slid my hands up her side and lifted her off the floor, her legs wrapped around my waist as I slowly walked us over to my bed. I gently lowered her to the bed, never once breaking our kiss. She broke apart from me gasping for air, but she immediately began attacking my neck with peppered kisses and vicious little licks. My knees buckled as her warm, sweet breath washed over my ear and down my neck, and she took my lobe in between her teeth and nipped down lightly. I hissed and put all my weight onto my arms, because in that second, my legs failed me. I rolled her over and under me and began fisting her hair trying desperately to get her closer, if that were even possible. I felt her tiny chest heave against mine as our hot tongues battled amongst each other.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I felt her tiny little hand begin softly caressing me under my shirt. She started off at my chest, pinching my nipple roughly. I threw my head back and groaned out her name. Her hand continued its ministrations all the way down my chest as she latched onto my sides and squeezed roughly. Shit, her hands felt amazing.

Once again, her lips found mine, and instantly, our tongues were once again entwined. I moaned into her mouth and felt her lips curl into a tiny little smile against my mouth as her hand made its way finally to my bulging pants. She pulled away to look down as she gently tugged my pants down slightly, and my prominent bulge bounced out and up for her. She giggled lightly, and I almost felt self-conscious, except at that very moment, her tiny little hand wrapped around my length and gave it a little tug. I buckled under the intense feeling. I had never felt anything so wonderfully intense before. Hell, I don't think I had ever even allowed a woman to get this far with me before.

I tugged at the hem of her shirt and tugged it over her head in one swift motion. I gasped when I noticed she wasn't even wearing bra. Her perky little breasts were hard and pointing right at me. I lowered my head and flicked my tongue over one of her hard buds, and it was her turn to hiss and buck towards me. I smiled at the thought that I was the one causing those sexy noises to escape her sweet, luscious lips. I twirled her other nipple between my thumb and forefinger and felt it harden even more against my touch. I slowly kissed my way to her other breast and nibbled gingerly at it. Bella moaned, "Oh, Edward, so… good." Not quite a whole sentence, but it worked for me.

I started trailing my tongue down her torso, stopping at her cute little belly button and giving it a good couple of flicks. My hands were already cupping her warm wet heat. _God, was she wet_. I could feel her wetness through her pants. "Hmmm… so good… so wet… God, Bella, you feel so fucking good."

I slowly ran my finger over where I knew she'd want it most and was rewarded with her back arching towards me and a small "fuck" escaping her lips. I slowly increased the speed of my ministrations, all the while licking and kissing her flat, soft belly. Within seconds, she was squirming below me. I had never witnessed anything so sexy, and given the fact that I had no experience in this department, I wasn't quite sure, but I was almost positive she was about to orgasm, and I couldn't wait to watch her pretty little face scrunch up in ecstasy. I pinched at her swollen clit, and apparently that was too much for her. Her back arched impossibly higher as she squirmed under me, moaning my name and some more expletives.

Once she had calmed down, she looked down at me with hooded eyes "Please, Edward. I want you so bad." She didn't have to ask me twice. I kicked off my pants and pulled hers off as well within seconds; panties and all, in one quick yank. I took a moment to take in the beauty that was Bella as she lay sprawled out naked in front of me. She was such a glorious site. "Perfect, so beautiful," I grunted as I lowered myself to hover just inches above her. "You are so damn sexy, Bella. Do you know that?" She giggled in response but shook her head. _How the hell did she not know the Goddess that she was?_ I would have to make sure to remind her of that more often.

Just then, there was a knock at my door. "Edward, honey, are you okay? Your dad thought he heard noises coming from your room."

"Shit, fuck, shit." I put my finger to my mouth to signal for Bella to be quiet. Her eyes were wide with fear and embarrassment; I knew she wasn't about to say anything.

"Umm… yeah, Mom. I'm fine… I had the TV on. Sorry if I woke you. It's off now, though. I am going to bed, now."

"Okay, get some sleep. You still have school in the morning, and I don't want your grades falling now that the year is almost over." I rolled my eyes even though I knew she couldn't see me.

"Okay, Mom. Night." I knew I sounded kind of rude, but it just came out that way. Why, of all nights for my parents to actually sleep lightly, did it have to be tonight?

I listened to her footsteps as she padded down the hallway. When I heard her door click closed, I let out a huge breath of relief.

I looked down at Bella, who was still pinned underneath me, and mentally smacked myself._ What the hell, Cullen? _I can't believe what I almost just did. This girl had way too much pull over me.

I rolled off her cautiously, "I'm so sorry about that, Bella..."

"Don't apologize, cutie, just get back over here, and let's get back to where we were, already," she said in a husky, sexy-ass voice. I shivered. Shit, I couldn't do this. Now that I had time to realize exactly what I was doing and think with my head not my _'head',_ I just couldn't do this.

I slowly got up from the bed and pulled on my pants. Bella looked at me with a confused expression, truly not understanding what I was doing. "I… I'm sorry… I just can't do this," I stuttered out while staring at the floor. I couldn't bear seeing the look of disappointment I was sure would be on her beautiful face right now.

"YOU WHAT?" she screeched in a hushed voice. "I can't fucking believe you, Edward. How dare you treat me like this, then throw me aside when you had all you want for the evening?"

"No wait… it's not like that."

"Don't you fucking dare taunt me. I know what this is, and you know what? Fuck you, Cullen. Fuck you!"

I didn't even have time to think of a good response, a way to make her understand what I was feeling at the moment. It had nothing to do with her. I mean, God, the girl drove me insane with lust. How could she not see that?

But I never got the chance to tell her any of that. By the time I had put together a coherent sentence in my head, she had gathered up her discarded clothing and had stormed out of my room half naked, not even bothering to get dressed.

I just stood in my room, feeling like a fucking moron, and gaping at the doorway she had just disappeared through.

I groaned. "Shit, how do I get myself out of this one?"

**I hit the big 3 -0 on the 21****st****. I'm not in a terribly good mood because of that, but I thought I could brighten it by giving you all this and reading your cute reviews…lol**


	8. The Lightning Strikes

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this one shot is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly_

**Chapter 7 - The lightning strikes!**

**BPOV**

"Bella! Hurry the fuck up!" Alice screamed at me from the driver's side of her car, her beautiful canary yellow Porsche. I rolled my eyes and locked the door before picking up my bag and jogging through the rain to her car. I hadn't been in the best of moods lately. Not since Lauren and her band of merry misfits had found some way to get out of being expelled. Dad said it had something to do with one of their parents being one hell of a lawyer and threatening the school board with lack of evidence. I didn't care either way. I just wanted to be done with them.

"Wow, Alice. I'd never guess you'd have such a potty mouth," I said in a sarcastic tone. She stuck her tiny tongue out at me as I climbed into the car.

"I usually don't, but when I'm _irritated_..."

I laughed some more. Alice wanted to play Bella-Barbie today; I told her no. She begged and begged, but I kept my foot down. She's been moping about it all day, grumpy butt.

"Well, just be happy that I'm letting you dress me up for the party," I stated, and her face lit up.

"Oh yeah, I totally forgot about that." She clapped her hands together and then put them back on the wheel. She pulled out of my driveway and started heading for her house. Alice and I were throwing an '_end of school, last blast'_, like a graduation party, but for everyone. I was going to spend the whole weekend at her house, which was a relief to me.

"Maybe we should make it a theme party," Alice suggested as she slowed to a stop at a red light.

"Here's your theme, 'house party'," I giggled. Alice cocked her brow at me and glared.

"Bella, this is _our _party, let's do something incredible and memorable." I sighed and turned on the radio. I was more of partier then a party planner. I could care less if the party was a baby shower or a birthday; either way, I was going to have fun.

When we arrived at the Cullen's we got out of the car and headed into her house. The whole house smelled like cookies and blueberries. I kept breathing in the scent, like I was going to get high off of it or something.

For her house being so huge, it was scary quiet.

"Where is everyone?" I asked as Alice started walking up the stairs with me following her.

"They went to a hockey game," she stated. I nodded my head. For that I was thankful. I had never slept over at someone's house, and I didn't know what to expect; I didn't know how to act. Was I supposed to hang out with the whole family or just her? Do I say grace at dinner or just eat? Was I supposed to act like it's my own house and do whatever I want or ask permission the whole time I was there?

"We should find our dresses for tomorrow," she said as she opened up a door to a very large and very incredible room. There was a huge canopy bed, with sheer fabric hanging over one side; three, yes that's right, three huge dark oak dressers lining the whole one wall. She had posters galore of various types of ballerinas and instruments that decorated the pale, pink walls and a huge adult-sized gorilla sat perched in the corner of her room with a pink tutu around its waist and a pointy witch hat atop its big fluffy head. I shook my head. Alice was one messed up girl.

"Alice, I don't think any of your clothes will fit me," I whined, hoping this one last argument might deter her enough to allow me to wear something from my own closet.

"Hmm… at least try this one on," she grumbled, still digging through her closet as an outfit flew out at me.

I grudgingly squeezed the tiny garment on as Alice turned to scrutinize my appearance and huffed.

I held my breath scared that if I let it out, I might spilt the seams, but I was equally fearful of passing out. Luckily, it only took a second for her to shake her head and flip her thumb up and over her head in a motion that I hoped meant 'take it off'.

"You're right, let's go -" please _don't say_ that_ word. Please don't say _that _word... please. don't. say._ "SHOPPING!" She squealed and began vibrating. I groaned and pouted like a child.

"Get over it, and get out of my dress, before you go all Hulk on the innocent fabric."

I laughed and started tearing at the dress, taunting her and earning one hell of a nasty glare. The funny thing about squeezing on a dress that's too small was apparently that they were even harder to get out of. I tried to pull it up and over my head, but it got stuck on my head; and I was starting to look like the hunch back.

"Alice, help!" I groaned. I heard a chirpy laugh followed closely by a loud booming one. I squirmed in embarrassment wanting to disappear into the floor and praying to all who would listen, that the laugh I was hearing was not Edward's. I shimmied a bit more trying to at very least get the dress back down to cover up my very exposed body and almost fell on my ass in the process. I huffed; the demon dress wasn't going anywhere.

"Maybe I should have gotten here sooner," Emmett chortled, amusement lacing his tone. With my face safely hidden underneath the dress, I blushed in utter embarrassment.

"Oh, shut up," Alice said. I felt her hands pull at the dress, and after a few struggles, the dress came free. Then, I was standing there, red-faced and in my underwear, in front of Emmett. I eyes went wide and my face heated up as I bolted for the bathroom. Emmett's roaring howls echoed throughout the room. I grabbed my clothes and put them back on, took a few deep calming breaths, and returned back to the bedroom. Emmett was lying on Alice's bed with a huge grin splayed across his face, his eyebrows dancing about. I groaned, spun on my heel - almost toppling over - and went about helping Alice put her clothes back where they came from.

"How's the party planning coming?" Emmett asked; Alice smiled all creepy Gollum-like at him. I shuddered. The girl got way too twigged out about shit like this, and frankly, it scared the bejesus out of me.

"Great, we're going out to buy some things. Wanna come?" Alice asked; he immediately shook his head.

"Someone here has a pretty blond that needs company," he sing-song'd with a wicked grin.

"Jasper's visiting his grandma... oh, you meant Rose." Emmett nodded his head slowly up and down.

Alice grinned knowingly. "What? Really, she will need my expertise to get around and find shit and stuff," he defended, his smile widening to resemble a jack-o-lantern's.. I smacked him on the back of his head.

"You know what, Bella? I think you need to get laid."

"I think guys would be too scared to sleep with Bella," Edward piped in from Alice's doorway, causing me to damn near jump out of my skin. "After all, if they do something sexual to her, she'll kick them where it counts and change their whole view on sex and make them crazy just like her." They all started laughing. It wasn't that the joke wasn't funny, because it was. In fact, it was likely true. It's just the fact that I didn't like Edward. I don't know why, maybe because I had almost had sex with him. Maybe because the reason we only _'almost' _had sex was because he turned me down. Maybe it was because I got this tingly feeling every time he was near me and I had no fucking clue why. And, man, that alone scared the shit right out of me.

"Let's go shopping, Alice," I growled, interrupting their 'laugh at Bella fit'. She looked at me quizzically, cocking a perfectly shaped brow at me, and then shrugged. She grabbed her purse and headed for the door. I backed away from Edward and waved goodbye to Emmett.

"Band or DJ? If we choose a band, where are we going to get one? And DJ... who in the hell will want to do that?" Alice bantered as we walked towards the dollar store to pick up some smaller things for the party.

"Angela was talking to me about her boyfriend; he's in a band," I told her, Alice looked at me with wide eyes.

"Oh my God, you're right! I forgot about that; his band is so awesome. They're well rounded, too. They'll play anything from 'Lil Wayne' to 'Foo Fighters'. You're a genius!" I smiled widely, glad to know I was good for something. I grabbed one of the hand baskets, and within minutes, we had it stuffed full of paper cups, paper plates, napkins, utensils and a few stupid plastic toys for our own childish enjoyment.

After we were finished with that, we headed over to the dress shop. Alice immediately ran around the room, holding dresses up against herself as well as me. Thousands of different dresses later- 'k, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit; but man, it felt like thousands but was probably more like dozens. My feet were aching, and my arms felt rubbery, but from the corner of my eye, I saw Alice holding the most amazing dress ever. I squealed in a way that was definitely Alice-worthy and flew at her, grabbing it out of her right hand, knowing, without a doubt, that this dress was the one I would wear and the other she had in her hand would be the one she would wear. Apparently, Alice agreed; and we made our way to the back of the store where the dressing rooms were located.

Alice's was an 80's vintage dress; it was yellow with ruffles at the bottom. It looked so cute on her that I once again felt a pang of jealousy. She was so thin and had curves in all the right places.

I wore a royal blue cotton dress with ruffles; it was like a beach dress. It even came with a cute anchor necklace.

We bought some shoes; I mean heels_ -Remind me to murder Alice-_ and finished picking up the last few things for the party. I was surprised that Alice's parents were going to let her do this. Especially when there was going to be alcohol. They were going camping for the weekend, and for some unknown reason, trusting hormonal, drunken teenagers to go crazy in their insanely large house full of very expensive things.

We drove the whole way back to Alice's house without saying a word. We sang along to Britney Spears' - Hit me Baby one more time- and giggled like school-girls. It was fun; it was embarrassing; it was so damn… _normal,_ I couldn't help but enjoy myself.

When we got back to the house, we carried the bags into the house and immediately called Ben; he freaked when we asked him if his band would play for the party.

"Band… check. Cups… check. Food… check. Games to keep the guest entertained…check. Booze… triple check," Alice rhymed off, flicking her finger each time, as if actually mentally checking something off, as she eyed all the alcohol that now littered the counter top. There was so much that there was definitely going to be some fucked up people tomorrow night. I licked my lips. I was very much looking forward to a night of drinking with people rather than myself for once.

"I think we are ready to have this party. All we have to do is wait for tomorrow night… ugh." I nodded in agreement. We were ready to party, but it wasn't party time yet. _What's a girl to do at a time like this?_

Well… we got dressed in our pajamas and popped some popcorn, that's what. I stuck in a movie, and we sat on the couch surrounded by throw pillows.

Minutes later, I saw Edward enter the room from the corner of my eye. It almost killed me to keep my eyes fastened on the T.V and not let them wander to stare at the beautiful man standing in the doorway, scowling. He sat down on the other couch, and I noticed his eyes on me for a few moments before he turned and glued them to the TV.

"The Labyrinth? You've seen this movie like a thousand times!" he moaned; Alice threw some popcorn at him.

"Bella's never seen it before, so shut up so she can understand it." I felt my lips twitch. Edward crossed his arms and stared at the TV. I was entranced in the movie by the first second; too bad I passed out before we got too far into it. When I woke up, it was dark and silent. I sat up causing the bunch of pillows to cascade to the floor. I looked around me and noticed Alice was passed out on the couch Edward had been sitting on.

And he was sleeping on the floor beside me. I grimaced. What the fuck? Before I could contemplate that, Alice stirred and looked at me. I smiled groggily at her. "Good morning, beautiful," she sang, then yawned. I snorted and carefully removed most of the pillows and stepped over Edward. Alice stared at her brother before a wicked smile grew on her face.

She grabbed the huge pillow she was sleeping on and jumped off the couch and began pounding her brother in the head with it. "What the fuck!" he hissed as he tried to block Alice's moves, but she was just too fast for him. _Crazy freaking pixie._ I tried to stifle my giggles, but the sight of a half asleep, irritated Edward was just too comical. He was like a white version of Grumpy Smurf; except instead of the white little hat, he sprouted a head full of messy, bronze hair.

"Come on, Bella, hit him!" Alice squealed. As much as I would have loved to hit him, I really didn't want to have any actual physical contact with him, feel that blazing spark. He winked at me, encouraging me to play. Instead, I muttered something about having to pee and vanished to the bathroom.

The rest of the day was much the same; I ignored Edward and left the room if he would enter. I mostly followed Alice around as she got the house ready for the party. When six rolled around, we headed upstairs and got dressed. Alice attacked my face with beauty products and burned my scalp with a curling iron. But by the end of the horrible transformation, I found myself actually looking rather pretty.

Of course, Alice looked adorable in her bright dress and straight hair. She wore it like an old movie star, flat against her head and curled around her ears. Ben and his band had already arrived and were setting up in the living room where the TV had magically disappeared; I guessed Emmett and Edward hid all the expensive shit. At seven, people started arriving. Alice and I greeted them politely, then snickered about them behind their back.

Mostly about their clothes and the people they came with, nothing nasty just positives and negatives. I was surprised to see Lauren and her crew walk through the doors; they ignored us and went straight to the liquor. After most people had arrived, I, myself, went and got a beer. I sat on the couch and listened to Ben's band; they played songs everyone was familiar with so it wasn't awkward, and I found myself rather enjoying the beat and the deep, scratchy tone of his voice.

However, it did get weird when Edward sat beside me with his own plastic cup. "Did you know back in 1989 this song held a record for fifteen weeks at number one on the US modern rock charts?" I shook my head, and he smiled. "This was Marcy Playground's biggest hit, but it is a great song." I nodded my head and looked around the room, anywhere except at him.

He stopped talking to me, and I tried concentrating on the lyrics, but then he began singing them in my ear. "Yeah there she was, like disco lemonade, I smell sex and candy here." I gulped, and I tell ya, it took every ounce of strength I had to pull away from his amazing scent and that amazing voice. I stuttered a bit as I darted up so quickly, I almost fell off the couch. As I scurried away, I snuck a quick glance back at him and noticed the confused, hurt look on his face. I hid beneath my hair in shame, my heart hammering in my chest, and my hands clamming with nerves.

I was almost to my chosen hiding spot for the night, when Lauren and Jessica sashayed towards me, fake little grins on their nasty little faces. "Bella. Hey, Bella," Lauren cooed. "Listen, we talked and decided we didn't want to end the year on a bad note. So, if you're cool with it, we'd like to call a truce." Lauren smiled sweetly at me, _too sweetly_. I studied her cautiously. Were they for real? Or was this some sick fucking game they were playing, once again? "Come on, Bella. We mean it; I swear," Jessica urged with a pleading look in her eyes.

I sighed and smiled tentatively at them. It would be nice to move past the childish- and sometimes dangerous- games we had been playing. "Okay, sounds good." "Well, this definitely calls for a toast," Lauren announced cheerfully while passing a drink to Jessica and one to me. I eyed her skeptically but took the drink anyway. I sure wasn't used to them being nice to me. It was definitely going to take some time to get used to it.

"To the end of our feud and the beginning of a special friendship." I had to bite my lip not to laugh at that. Jessica sure had a way with words, or should I say, 'Jessica had no fucking clue what she was saying half the time?' I quickly took a long chug of my drink to prevent myself from bursting into fits of laughter.

I noticed the oddly smug look that passed between Jessica and Lauren but passed it off as them not wanting to point out my obvious gluttony with my now empty drink. I quickly excused myself and went to the bathroom to freshen up. On my way past the bar, I grabbed another beer to keep me company on the long walk up the stairs.

I squinted my eyes at the clock on the wall as I descended the stairs with a now empty bladder. Did that read 12:00 or 2:00? I couldn't really tell, the numbers were all blurring together.

I didn't think I had drunk enough to cause my vision to blur. Hell, the last time I counted I'd only had four beers plus the drink with Lauren and Jessica, so my current state kind of boggled me. I guess maybe the fact that I hadn't ate yet today might have had something to do with my cheap drunk. Either way, I wasn't going to complain. I was having a great time dancing with some guy and was sure as hell feeling no pain.

The guy I was dancing with, I think he said his name was Mike, _WAIT_! Was I dancing with Mike Newton? I slowed my movements and tried to study his face, but everything was swaying, people blurring together obscured objects of blue and red. I shook my head trying to clear my vision and immediately began to wonder why the hell it was so hot in here? Maybe from all the bodies crammed into one room? But shit, I swear I felt like I was in a sauna. I felt who I believed to be Mike grind into my pelvis moving to the beat of some reggae song that was currently playing.

I tried to move with him but the feeling was so intense. I moaned in the back of my throat as my eyes fluttered close. I reveled in the sensation simple dancing was doing to me. Wow, was I ever fucking horny. Where the hell did that come from? I wasn't sure, but I knew I sure as hell wasn't sticking around near Mike Newton to find out. If indeed, it was even Mike Newton I was dancing with. I pulled my arm from his grasp and stumbled towards the stairs. I made it up maybe two of them on foot and had to lower myself to my knees for the remaining ten or so stairs for fear I might actually topple backwards and end up with a broken neck or some shit. When I finally made it to the top of the stairs and past all the curious stares of people along the way, I fumbled with the first door I came to. Locked. Shit! Second door. Also locked. Damn, I was becoming frustrated; I just wanted to find somewhere quiet to hide and maybe play with myself a bit to calm my raging hormones down. I always knew alcohol brought out the little minx in me, but hell, nothing like this. Ever!

The third door I tried, thankfully, was unlocked. I quickly scanned the dark room and didn't see anyone. Phew! I quietly shut the door and locked it. I briefly fought with my panties trying to get them the hell off me as fast as I could while taking another swig from my beer. I kicked them aside and flopped onto the large bed in the room. It looked vaguely familiar. Hmmm… maybe I was in Alice's room. Ha! I could only imagine what she would say if she found out I played with myself in the middle of her party… on her bed. I chuckled lightly as a soft moan surged up my throat just as my fingers flicked over my swollen clit. My knees buckled slightly as I collapsed onto my back landing in a mound of soft pillows.

My finger played with my clit while my other hand moved up my body and massaged my breasts roughly. A loud moan escaped my lips. I could feel my orgasm building and greedily picked up my ministrations, desperate for my release. My eyes fluttered shut, and I arched my back… it was coming… oh God… I could feel it mounting… begging to be released…. "Looks like someone is having some fun without me. Mind if I join ya? 'Cause that sight is one I would so like to be a part of." My head whipped up to look in the direction of the amazingly sexy voice I had just heard. Who the hell? "Who's there." I stuttered, frustrated and so not fulfilled, and completely not capable of feeling any sort of embarrassment at being caught in such a naughty predicament. "Can't you find some other room to fuck around…?" I stopped short at the glorious, frustrating sight before me. Edward! Shit, fuck shit! Now what? _Wait; did he just ask to join me? _He was slowly moving closer, a look of pure desire and lust raging in his beautiful, sexy, green eyes. Without even realizing what I was doing, a small moan escaped my lips; but before I could get it fully out, Edward was at my side, his warm, wet lips crashing into mine…

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	9. Hail Storm

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**Ѿ**

**Hail Storm!~**

_Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly_

**_BPOV_**

Hmmmm… his breath was so warm and sweet, even with the scent of alcohol mixed with it.

I couldn't resist even if I tried. So, I didn't bother trying.

I flung my arms around his neck and wrapped my fingers into his gorgeous, tousled hair. I felt his tongue graze my bottom lip. I hummed in pleasure as I parted my lips, granting him access.

There was nothing sweet or gentle about this kiss. It was rough; it was passionate, and it was alcohol induced.

I squirmed a bit, trying to rub up against his leg; just a little bit of friction, that was all I needed. I groaned in annoyance when I realized it wasn't working. Edward cocked a brow at me. I shook my head and pulled him forward so he was now half lying on me and half lying on the bed. Blessedly, his one leg curled up against my wet, hot sex, and a soft moan escaped my lips as I ground my hips and felt his muscular leg rub up against my, now, very swollen clit.

Edward began attacking my neck; he started off softly, licking and sucking and teasing, but the more I ground my hips against him, the rougher he got. I could feel his large, hard erection pressing into my hip, and it caused me to buckle slightly below him. I reached under us and undid the zipper on his jeans. His straining cock jumped right out, _no undies, Edward? _Oh, how sexy! I grabbed hold of the protruding beast and stroked him softly, teasing the head with my fingers.

He hissed in my ear and threw his head back. "Shit, Bella. That feels fucking amazing!"

His voice was so husky and low, it threw me right over the edge. I crashed my hips into his one last time, the friction feeling fucking amazing, and squeezed his cock for dear life as I came violently on his leg.

I know I should have been embarrassed, but to hell with that; it was one of the best orgasms I'd had in a long time; there was no shame coming from me.

"Excited are we? Hmm… that was almost sinful to watch. I think I'd like a replay, please," Edward moaned softly into my ear. I shuddered. He lifted my dress above my head and pulled it off in one swift movement. And he thought I was the one who was excited. I giggled drunkenly.

He kissed my lips chastely and dipped his head down to the crook of my neck. I could feel his tongue flicking against my neck, and the sensations were causing my legs to buckle. "Oh, Edward, I want you so bad," I moaned, as I felt his teeth clamp down on my neck, not too hard but enough to cause me to slam my eyes shut and whimper. He chuckled darkly. "That'll leave a mark in the morning."

He continued his ministrations down the front of my chest, stopping at each nipple to lavish it with his tongue and briefly with his teeth, each nibble causing me to crumble a bit more against him. I could feel my own hot juices leaking down my leg; my clit was so swollen it was almost painful. I desperately wanted to feel him inside me. I tried lifting my body slightly upwards towards his dick that was just inches above my slippery core. I felt the head drag across my clit, and whimpered at the contact; it was so hard and so warm. I flung my head back as a loud moan escaped my lips.

"Not so fast, darling. I want to taste you first. A few more orgasms before the main event won't hurt now, will it?" He actually chuckled as he pulled back slightly, my aching center immediately missing the heat that radiated from his delicious looking appendage. _What a little fucker!_

Finally, he made his way to my inner thigh and licked and rubbed it gently. It was the most amazing sensation. His hot breath ghosting across my throbbing clit was absolutely excruciating, yet delectably sinful all in the same.

Within seconds, he went from brushing my clit teasingly, to his hot skillful mouth lapping and sucking, and holy shit, I think I may have just died and gone to..."Holy fuck, Edward. So close. So good. Fucking sex deviant you are…"

**EPOV**

Horny, naked Bella was a glorious sight to behold.

I looked up into her beautiful face. Her eyes were clenched shut as she lifted her delicate looking little hips from the bed, and I couldn't resist. I flicked my tongue roughly across her swollen clit and slowly eased two fingers into her soft, wet core. God, she was wet. I could already feel her juices running down my fingers, and I ached to remove them and put them between my lips.

I couldn't help the noises that rose in my throat as I lowered my face to lap up the escaping juices; she tasted so good. I could stay down here all day and still not get enough of Bella's sweet nectar.

I pulled my fingers out and plunged my tongue in its place. Oh shit, I didn't think it would be possible that Bella could taste any better. But getting the juices directly from her core was, if possible, even sweeter.

I teased and pinched her swollen clit with my fingers as my tongue plunged into her pussy relentlessly. Not even a few minutes later, I felt her walls pulsating and her muscles clenching.

I pinched her little bud one last time; her body lifted from the bed, and her back arched. I craned my neck to follow her body, still slipping my tongue in and out of her hot, wet core. She was so wet, and her body was jerking violently against my fingers and mouth. My fingers slipped down in-between her cheeks, and I immediately froze, not wanting her to think I was being a dirty little fucker.

"Oh shit, Edward, yeah; rub my asshole. Shit yeah, that feels so good. Oh God, Edward I think I am going to cum again." Bella's words threw me for a loop, she liked that I accidentally grazed her anus? What the fuck! I felt my dick twitch as I slowly ran my finger around her tight little asshole.

I continued lapping at her delectable pussy while caressing her, now, very slippery anus. Juices that had mixed with my saliva were just pooling near her ass. It looked so fucking good.

I couldn't control my own thoughts as they strayed to what her tight little ass might feel like with my rock hard dick buried in it.

Images flashed through my mind of her bent over my bed, playing with her perky tits while I teased her clit with my one hand and used my other to grip her hips while slamming into her tight ass.

"Oh fuck, Bella, you're so hot. Do you have any idea what you do to me?" She giggled softly, looking at me with lust-hooded eyes, and then moaned immediately after as my teeth nipped at her sweet pink bud.

She began whimpering like a little fucking kitten. I gently nudged the tip of my finger into her… holy shit, was she tight! Damn! Then she had to moan, enjoying it. Little vixen! She would be the death of me one day; I just knew it.

I felt her walls once again begin to tighten around my tongue as I slid my finger into her once again. And again, like before, her body lifted from the bed as her back arched.

"Please, Edward, Please… I want to feel… when I am coming…"_ She wants to feel what?_

Then she slammed her ass down hard on my finger, it slid right in to her amazingly tight hole. I almost came right then, and it took everything in me to withhold my orgasm.

"Fuck it, Edward, fuck it," she growled at me. Yep, she actually fucking growled at me to fuck her ass with my finger. Holy Mother of Mary, this woman was absolutely amazing.

I pumped my finger in and out of her ass as she rode out her orgasm. Then, being the bold drunk fucker that I was, I slipped a second finger in there, too. I slowed my pumping fingers, worried it might piss her off, but hell no; she just moaned even louder and slammed her sweet little ass down harder. I pulled my face away and used my other hand to slid two fingers into her soaking wet pussy, now fucking her in both holes.

"Yes, Edward, Yes… please… fuck… oh… yes… so… good."

I must have been doing something right; the poor girl couldn't even form a sentence for goodness sake.

I watched her face scrunch up, tiny little droplets of sweat pooling at her hairline, locks of tangled chocolate hair stuck to her cheeks, as she fucked my fingers.

Minutes later, I felt her whole body shudder as her walls clenched and unclenched around my fingers. My dick twitched, and I felt pre-cum slide down my shaft; shit I was so horny. I had to have this angel in front of me. There was no going back, no time to think this through.

As Bella came down from her third orgasm, I slid up her body, kissing and licking her salty, slick flesh the whole way.

Her tiny hands grabbed my hair and pulled me down to her waiting lips. Sucking on my bottom lip she whimpered, "God, Edward, my pussy tastes so good on your lips." Oh no, she did not just say that. Fuck! And with that, I thrust into her.

I stilled myself as she gasped, worried I had hurt her and to give her time to adjust to my size. Not bragging or anything, but I had showered with many guys in the locker room at school and knew I was bigger than most.

Her tiny hand pulled on my hips, her short nails digging into my flesh, causing pain and oddly enough, a lot more pleasure. "Fuck me, please, Edward, fuck me."

Shit, those words sounded so sexy coming from her lips, it that husky fucking voice. Who the hell was I to deny her?

I started at a slow pace, wanting this to last as long as I could manage. I knew I couldn't hold out much longer. I could already feel my orgasm building in the pit of my stomach, burning and climbing and torturing me in a raging fire sort of way; but I held it back thinking of little old granny's pinching my cheeks and telling me how cute I was.

Even those images weren't enough when Bella raked her fingernails down my back and bit my nipple at the same time. She arched her back and dug in deeper. I could feel blood trickling down my back, and man, it felt good.

My thrusts became more urgent. I could feel my balls slapping against her ass, which just made me think about what I had just done to it. Bella was panting heavily in my ear, groaning and moaning softly with each thrust.

"Shit, Bella, I'm going to cum soon," I whimpered, my head lolling around, barely able to hold it's weight.

"Cum, baby, cum for me. I want to cum with you," she panted.

That was my undoing. I pulled back as far as I could and slammed into her with all my strength. Bella screamed out in ecstasy as her orgasm hit her. The sensation of her walls milking me and the sounds of her screaming my name caused my own orgasm to explode.

"Shit… fuck... Bella… oh… fuck!" Never had I felt anything that fucking amazing in my life.

My vision blacked out momentarily, and when I was able to see properly once again, I was graced with a glorious post-coital grin.

"That… was _amazing_," she breathed as she brushed a stray hair away from my eyes.

"Yeah, I must say I agree with you completely." I flipped onto the bed beside her, whimpering slightly at the loss of connection.

I opened my arms, and she immediately wiggled into them, placing her head in the crook of my arm and draping her arm across my chest. I pulled her close to me and kissed the crown of her head.

This woman was absolutely amazing, and I was tired of fighting with her. I only hoped she felt the same way as me.

"Bella."

"Hmm."

"I don't want to fight with you anymore. I'm so sorry for being such an ass. The truth is. I had feelings for you, and it scared the shit out of me. So, I tried to distance myself from you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Of course, I do," she mumbled. I could tell she was almost asleep.

I kissed her forehead and took a deep breath and then just felt, "I think I am falling… in… love… with you, Bella." There I said it, and it felt so good to finally admit. Wait! Why wasn't she saying anything? Did I just scare the shit out of her being the mushy ass that I was?

I pulled back slightly to look at her face and immediately heard her soft little snores. _You have got to be shitting me. _She was sleeping. She probably didn't even hear my confession. Shit, that's okay; I will just tell her again in the morning.

I closed my eyes, thinking about how lucky I was to have this amazing creature here with me as I fell into a deep, blissful sleep.

**BPOV**

I woke up coddled in warmth, whether it was because I was wrapped tightly in a comforter or because the sun was shining directly on me, I didn't know. I was surprised it was even showing its face; I hadn't seen the sun once since I moved here.

I sighed and pulled my arms out of the dark covers. It was then that I realized I was naked. Why the fuck was I naked? I tried to remember last night, but whenever I tried, I felt like I was being punched in the face. I groaned and turned my head away from the suddenly not so welcome sunlight, only to see Edward beside me. I gasped and clamped my hand over my mouth to keep the noise from escaping and waking him.

What the hell? Why was he here? And… _naked_? I gasped out loud as a thought hit me; Edward must have taken advantage of me while I was drunk. What the fuck? What kind of person does that? What the fuck was wrong with him?

I felt tears pool below my eyes. I closed them; determined not to cry. I slid quietly out of the bed and roamed around the room searching for my clothes; they were all over the place.

He must have enjoyed ripping my clothes off, _asshole._

I slipped my dress over my disgusting panties and black bra, gathered my heels, and left Edward's room without even waking him. He slept like a baby; a fucking perverted sex-craved, rape-loving, angelic-looking, beautiful baby.

I closed the door and walked down the hall. While on my way to the bathroom, I ran straight into Jasper, causing me to bounce off of him and fall on the floor. He looked down at me like I was an alien or something before he extended his hand out to me, and I gratefully took it. He helped me off the floor with a cocky grin.

"Jeez, Bella, walk much?" he joked. I rolled my eyes. He chuckled as I walked past him and into the bathroom. I shut the door and locked it. I didn't dare look at myself in the mirror.

I left the bathroom to get some clean clothes and my toiletries, then got into to the shower and let the hot water wash away all my dirty tears. I felt dirty; everything about me felt nasty, as if I had rolled around in the back of a manure truck. I grabbed the soap and scrubbed myself until I was red.

After I finished getting dressed, I ran a brush through my plain brown hair and left the bathroom. I wasn't paying much attention so I was surprised when I saw Edward walk past me and into the bathroom. "About fucking time," I heard him mutter without even opening his eyes to look at me. I stood there with my mouth agape as the door slammed shut. First, he takes advantage of me in a drunken state. _Then,_ he acts as if I am not even there, great! This couldn't get any worse. Again, I pushed back the threatening tears.

I went down to the kitchen where Alice was throwing empty cups and cans into a black garbage bag.

"Bitchin' party huh, Bells?" Emmett asked while walking into the kitchen from the living room, his arms full of garbage.

I felt my forehead crinkle. "Uh, I guess you could say that."

He dumped his gatherings into the overflowing bag, and Alice looked at me with narrowed eyes.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

"Hangover," I lied. Well, it wasn't exactly a lie, but it definitely wasn't the reason I was looking like such a wreck.

"Join the club," Jasper mumbled while coming into the kitchen with a bunch of white Styrofoam boxes full of breakfast. We all groaned in unison.

"There is no way I can eat." Alice gagged while placing her hand on her stomach and grimacing.

"I can!" Emmett boomed while raising his hand. He went to the counter and got himself some breakfast. Jasper followed his lead while Alice and I just cleaned up some more.

"Save some of that for me," Edward grumbled from behind me. I spun around to see his bronze hair wet and in his eyes and him dressed in a pair of fresh jeans and a tight black shirt. He looked at me quickly, with an odd expression, then quickly looked back to the food and jumped into eating his own meal.

I made sure to stay clear of him. I didn't want to be anywhere near him; I just couldn't deal with all of that right now. I went through the rest of the living room, picking up garbage as I went.

Alice joined me, silently working side by side, when I realized someone was missing. "Where's Rosalie?" Alice climbed the entertainment center to grab a bunch of bras. _How on earth had they gotten up there_? Something crazy must have happened, and of course, I missed it, because of Mr. I-can't-keep-my-hands-or-dick-to-myself Cullen.

"She had to go to work. She's trying to make enough money to get a boob job," Alice said nonchalantly while throwing clothes in the bag I was holding open for her.

"Why? Isn't Rose like a double D or something already?" I asked dumbfounded.

She snorted, "Yeah, but with Rosalie it isn't about size, it's about perfection." I nodded my head thinking about how that statement fit Rosalie's personality perfectly.

After we finished cleaning up the house, Alice went upstairs to take a 'nap' with Jasper. Emmett went home, which left me with Edward. Alone.

I swear, I felt like I could drown a whole state with the amount of sweat that was pouring out of me.

Somehow, we had both ended up in the living room watching The Labyrinth, _again_. Edward must have been either really wasted or a really great actor because he acted as if nothing happened. As usual, we didn't talk; we just sat there like we were the only dressed people in a nudist recreational spa. _Awkward_? Very.

Once the credits started rolling, I mumbled something about going home. I stood up and grabbed my things and headed out the front door.

"Bella, wait! Why don't I give you a ride? That is one hell of a long walk," he said quietly while staring at the ground and running his hands through his hair.

I thought about his offer for a moment. Did I want a ride from him? He was right; it was one hell of a long walk. But there was no way I was getting in a car with him after last night. I would be a moron to agree to his offer, wouldn't I?

Why did I feel this crazy magnetic pull towards him? He had betrayed my trust and took advantage of me when I was drunk, _hadn't he?_

What the hell? Why was I even having this eternal debate with myself?

I shook my head, "No… umm… but thanks for the offer," I muttered, still lost in thought.

"But…I thought that maybe…" he once again fisted his hair and looked at me with a look of complete confusion and desperation on his gorgeous face. What the fuck did he have to be confused about? "I was just hoping we could talk about last night," he finally finished. My jaw dropped. He didn't just ask me if I wanted to talk about him taking advantage of me? No way in hell would a guy willingly bring that shit up. What the fuck happened last night? Did I come on to him?

Maybe it wasn't his solely his doing like I originally thought, but come on, what kind of guy has sex with a girl for the first time while she is obliterated?

Well, to be honest, we had fooled around before; so, I guess it wouldn't be completely unheard of. Shit, I was way too hungover to try and figure that shit out at the moment. I needed time to think and to try to remember.

"Umm, no I uh… need some time to think," I mumbled as I continued walking down the drive.

I can't be sure; hell, I wasn't sure of anything right about now, but I could have sworn I heard Edward whisper to my back as I sprinted away, "But I don't want you to go_. I love you."_

I picked up my pace and damn near ran away from him as my breathing stopped, and I tried desperately to convince myself I didn't actually hear him say that; it was all just in my head, just my imagination playing tricks on me.

It was a long walk from the Cullen's house to mine. I made it home around four. I was about to unlock the door when it whipped open. Charlie stood there with a red face and worried expression. "Where have you been?"

I walked past him, "At Alice's. Remember, we were having a sleepover."

He grunted, "Well yeah. A _sleepover_, not an all day play-date. You should have called me. I've been worried sick."

I set my things on the bottom step of stairs and went to the fridge to pour a glass of juice. "Sorry."

Charlie crossed his arms and sighed, "I forgive you." I smiled at him and drank my juice.

"But…" I groaned. All I wanted to do was take another shower and get some sleep, "You're coming with me down to La Push."

"What the fuck is _La Push_!" I nearly screamed, and I'm not sure why I did.

"Language! And it's a reservation; you've been there before. I had plans to go fishing, but since you never called me, I had to postpone the trip," Charlie said as I dropped my glass in the sink.

"But isn't it kinda late to be going fishing?" I questioned him.

"Yes, but since there is no school tomorrow and I'm off duty, we're getting up bright and early and fishing all day long."

I groaned. "I don't want to go fishing."

"I don't care what you want to do. I have been really patient with you, Bells, but I think it is high-time I put my foot down and we start spending some time together. Now, you're going, and that's _final_." With that, Charlie left the kitchen, and moments later, I heard the TV turn on.

I pouted as I stomped up the stairs. Once I was in my room, I threw my bag in the corner and got into the shower, still feeling dirty. After taking a two-hour long shower, I climbed out of the, now, chilly water and got ready for bed trying vainly to forget the events of last night, even though I couldn't remember most of them; just knowing what had obviously happened was enough to haunt me.

"Bellaaaa…" I moaned and rolled over. I wanted sleep and only sleep. "Bella, wakey wakey." It was Charlie.

"I don't want to," I growled roughly.

"I don't care. The early bird gets the worm," Charlie chirped.

"Shouldn't it be the early worm gets the fish?" I questioned while sitting up. He chuckled.

"I suppose you're right, but 'early' is the key word. Get ready and be downstairs in twenty." Charlie then left my room. I thudded back onto my bed, but before I could pass out, I got up and dressed myself in a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. I ran a brush through my hair and stuck it in a ponytail. After slipping on a pair of boots, I grabbed my jacket and headed downstairs.

Charlie was already outside, loading his cruiser with fishing stuff. I went into the kitchen and grabbed an apple and a bottle of water and climbed into the car.

While staring aimlessly out into the rain, time flew by. The next thing I knew, the beautiful landscape was replaced by small little houses, enclosed by dozens of huge, lush trees; we had entered some sort of small neighborhood. Charlie pulled up to a small red house and honked. "Hey, Bells, why don't you climb in the backseat so Billy can sit here?" Charlie patted my seat. I nodded my head, opened my door to get out, and got into the backseat. Just as I opened the door, two figures emerged from the red house. One was in a wheel chair; he was Billy. I remembered him vaguely from when I was a child.

The other was a boy, a teenager from what Charlie had told me. Yet he did look older, maybe almost twenty. He had dark skin and a medium sized build. He had short black hair and deep, dark eyes. He must have been pushing six foot five or so. The guy-boy was like a giant, brown Hulk.

"Nice to see you again, Bella," Billy greeted warmly.

I grinned, "Thanks, you too."

The boy pushed Billy to the passenger side and opened the door. He then pulled himself from his chair and onto the seat. The boy pushed the wheel chair to the back and put it in the trunk. I took my seat and waited for Charlie to drive away, but instead, the boy climbed in and sat beside me. He looked uncomfortable all cramped up in the small space.

"Bells, this is Billy's boy, Jacob," Charlie said from the driver's seat.

"Hi," he said with a small smile.

"Hi."

Charlie and Billy then launched into a boring-ass conversation about rain, location, and bait. I ignored them and stared out the window, just waiting and wanting this day to be over. Ever since I was much younger, I had never been one for fishing. I just didn't get it. You sit in a boat or in the dirt or on a rock, you practically kill a poor defenseless worm, then you drown the poor little bugger. You then, _hopefully_, sit and wait for a nibble. When you _do_ catch a fish, you torture it with a hook, then throw it back so you can start the whole cycle all over again? It was much like Nascar, just plain dumb and pointless.

Charlie turned the cruiser onto a dirt road. We traveled down it for what felt like forever before we finally came to a stop. I climbed out of the car, hearing the sound of water not too far away. "Bells, come help me unload the trunk," Charlie said. I went to the back of the car and grabbed some fishing poles. Jacob reached around me at the same time and pulled out Billy's wheel chair.

"Sorry," I mumbled and moved out of his way so he could get a better grip on the thing.

"That's alright." He walked to the passenger side and helped his father. Charlie slammed the trunk, and together, all of us walked down a small hill and to the edge of the river. The morning mist had yet to clear. Hell, it probably wasn't awake enough at the un-godly hour to dissipate. Charlie set down a chair while Jacob positioned his father by the water. Jacob and I found some rocks to sit on, and Jacob grabbed us a couple of worms and handed me one; I just stared at it like it was a... well_,_ a _worm_.

"What?"

"I don't want to touch it," I admitted shyly.

"Ah, come on. It's not going to do anything." He inched it towards me as I backed away.

"I know, but it's just so slimy and..." I shuddered.

"Alright, I'll put it on for you." He chuckled, grabbing my fishing hook and stabbing it into the worm. I recoiled from it.

"Poor, Mr. Worm," I said while staring at the dangling thing, squirmy mass of grossness.

"Don't worry, it can't feel it," Jacob said. I looked at him questioningly.

"They can't!" I asked while watching the worm wiggle. I felt bad for it.

"Nope, it has something to do with its pain reception. I guess the brain can't detect pain because they're damaged," Jacob said, sounding like a professional.

"How do you know this?" I asked while Jacob attached his own worm.

"Because I am a _genius_," he replied egotistically while casting his line. I smiled and followed his lead. I saw him smirk at me.

"So, how old are you?" I asked him, he saw a slight tug on his wire and his eyes got wide, but no more tugs came. I snorted a bit as his whole face transformed into one of disappointment. Men, they were always so impatient, weren't they.

"Uh, sixteen. How about you?"

"Seventeen."

"That's cool, so you go to Forks High?" he questioned. I nodded my head.

"How do you like it?"

"It's alright. It's just like any other school, teachers, followers and the occasional pranks," I stated. He surprised me by laughing. I looked at him questioningly.

"I heard about some of those. Didn't one girl almost die in a school fire or something?" I stiffened; I saw Charlie's head whip in my direction as his gaze rested on me.

"Tell the boy, Bells," Charlie said while casting his line out again. Jacob turned to me with a puzzled look; I gnawed on my bottom lip.

"Uh… yeah. That was _me_," I said, feeling my cheeks redden slightly. I felt Jacob stiffen besides me.

"Really? What happened?"

I felt obliged to answer, "It was just a prank war, but some kids took it too far. It's over with, now."

Jacob nodded and looked back at the water; it was peaceful. I think I was beginning to understand why people liked to do this; it was like reading; it just took you away from the real world. I think I could get used to fishing; I think I could get used to being happy.

"So, Bella, any boyfriends we should be worried about?" Billy asked, my cheeks flamed and I felt myself smiling in embarrassment.

"No, no boyfriends," I muttered while avoiding the three pairs of eyes I could feel boring into me.

"Hey, Dad, how come Harry couldn't make it?" Jacob asked, changing the subject.

I could literally kiss him for doing that. I saw him look at me with a 'you're welcome' look.

I smiled and mouthed 'thank you' to him before returning my attention to the water and tuning out the conversation Billy and my dad were having.

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	10. The Eye of the Storm

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**Ѿ**

**The eye of the storm! ~**

_Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly_

"Hey, Bella, can you come down here for a minute?" I heard Charlie yell from the bottom of the stairs. _Ughhh,_ what does he want now? I just want to stay here in bed and wallow in my own misery all alone, no interruptions. Is that really too fucking much to ask for?

School was finally out. I had managed to avoid Edward or any sort of confrontation about that night for the past week. And I now found myself dreading one hell of a lonely summer. Really, I didn't want to visit Alice, because visiting Alice inevitably entailed seeing Edward. So that left me with what? Emmett and Rosalie? _I think I'll pass_. Watching them being all lovey-dovey all the time just made me want to fucking gag. As if I needed a reminder of what I was missing out on. Yep, summer was so going to suck!

I quickly popped a piece of Juicy Fruit in my mouth to cover up the smell of Jack on my breath and bounced down the stairs to where Charlie was anxiously waiting for me.

What had gotten him so fucking giddy? _Oh shit!_ This couldn't be good.

"Hey, Dad." I put on my best fake smile and gave him a quick hug. "What's up?"

He now had a huge grin on his face. I rarely saw him so happy, and it had me kind of nervous.

"I got a gift for you. I am so proud of you, Bells. I thought you deserved a bit of a break so..." He paused and reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a plain white envelope. I looked at him curiously, eyeing up the mysterious envelope, wondering what the hell could be in it.

"I arranged a trip back to your Mom's for you. These are your roundtrip tickets. I have already spoken with her, and we agreed you will be spending the entire month of July there." He looked at me expectantly. It dawned on me then that he had no clue of what I had endured at the hands of my mother; and to him, I should be ecstatic to be going to see her.

This time, I had to try even harder to fake a smile and was sure it came out as more of a grimace. I felt like an ass immediately as I watched his face fall when he didn't get the response he had been wanting.

"Bells… I thought you'd be more excited about this," he began.

"No, Dad, of course I am. I'm just a bit… _surprised,_ is all. I mean, I only just got here a couple months ago, but yeah, you're right; it will be nice to see Mom and my old friends again." A small shudder ran through my body as I began thinking up the scenarios of what going back 'home' could hold for me.

I gingerly took the envelope from his nimble fingers and threw my arms around him, struggling to hold back the tears that threatened to escape any moment now. I was sure he believed it was me being grateful, but really, it was me clinging to the one thing in my life that felt safe, knowing in a mere few days I would be leaving it behind for a whole damn month to go hang out with the wicked witch of the west!

Alice came over and spent the night at my house, the night before I left to go back to Phoenix. She was going to be driving me to the airport the next morning.

"Do you have to go, Bella? I am going to miss you so much," she whined at me while crossing her arms and sticking out her bottom lip. I chuckled and rolled my eyes. She looked like a little kid having a temper tantrum. It was too comical.

"Alice, it is not like I have a choice, you know? Plus, surprisingly, I think some time away from Forks, as much as I hate to admit this, might do me some good," I sighed realizing how true those words were and what that meant I was willing to go through just to be away from Edward. Fuck, that boy had me messed up!

"I know. It's just, well, the summer is going to suck without you here to party with."

"Come here and give me a hug, you silly monkey. I'll be back before you know it, and I'm sure Jasper can keep you occupied in my absence."

Alice giggled. I didn't need to ask why; I could only imagine what she had in store for her and Jasper with all that spare time.

We spent the rest of the night packing my stuff while Alice griped and complained about my wardrobe, or lack thereof, as she referred to it. By the time we were done packing, she had already made me promise and pinky swear, which is something I hadn't done since grade school I might add, that I would allow her one whole day of my time for some 'Alice shopping torture' as soon as I returned.

We giggled and watched girly movies, checking out cute butts and bashing slutty looking girls the whole night; it was surreal for me. Something I had never really done before. I would miss this little bit of normality I had become accustomed to these past few months. I had used Alice, in a way. She was my best friend, but that girl was also my crutch. Without her, I would surely crumble into a bunch of fucked up Bella pieces and waste away.

We curled into each other on my old, small, single bed and fell asleep with our legs one big tangled mess; with her bunched up at the bottom of my bed and me at the top. I sighed raggedly as I fell to sleep thinking of how silly we looked but not giving a damn either. I would miss her so damn much.

"Come on, Bella. If you keep dawdling, you're going to miss your plane," Alice huffed from the front door.

I looked back at my dad one last time, and he looked back at me with unshed tears glistening in his eyes as I turned towards the door. "Bye, Dad," I whispered as the door closed behind me, feeling for some reason like this might be the last time I ever saw him.

_Ladies and Gentleman, if you could please take your seats, we have reached our destination in Phoenix, Arizona. _The captain's booming voice shook me from my thoughts, and I quickly fumbled with my belt and buckled myself in.

No one was waiting for me at the airport, not that I expected anything different. I quickly located my luggage and trudged towards the exit to hail a taxi.

I dropped my bags onto the ground with a loud humph. I hadn't realized I had packed so much. I was just about to hail a taxi when I noticed a short blond woman waving frantically in my direction. I squinted into the harsh, bright sunlight. Was she waving at me? As she got closer, I realized it was my mom. _What the fuck?_

"Hey, Bella, sorry I'm late. I had a hard time finding a parking spot." She continued chattering away about everything that had gone on since I left Phoenix as if we were best friends or some shit. I couldn't get a word in edgewise if I tried, but fuck that shit, I didn't want to _anyways_. I had nothing to say to this woman, and I was still shocked to shit that she was being so nice, never mind the fact that she actually came to get me from the airport.

A good part of me wanted to call her out on that shit and find out what she was up to, but the smarter part of me told me to just ignore her; as long as I kept her at an arm's length, she couldn't hurt me anymore. I would do my time here, leave, and never look back.

During the drive to Renee's home, yep that's right, I no longer referred to it as home. As far as I was concerned, the only place I had ever even come close to feeling at home in, was _Forks_. The years I had spent without my dad, living with Renee, were nothing but a jail sentence which I was finally released from… well, _almost_!

I caught bits and pieces of Renee's excited ramblings, something about how she finally got smart and left Phil and his now disabled ass. I smirked a bit when I thought of how he had come to be that way.

She mentioned something about going to therapy and group sessions, trying to deal with her anger and resentment issues. _Good for you. What the hell do I care?_

We were just around the corner from the house when Renee said something that almost caused me to shit my pants right there. "Bella, I know our past is not pretty, and I wasn't a very good mother to you. I have many things I regret, but I do hope we can move forward and start to let go of the past. I'm changing and learning from my mistakes. I hope you can forgive me and we can try to establish the type of relationship I know you've always deserved." Her voice was so weak, and she sounded so empty and tortured as she pleaded for my forgiveness; but _it just wasn't enough._

My mouth dropped; we were now sitting in the driveway, Renee was wringing her hands together while staring at her lap. I felt a small amount of drool spill over my hanging lip and quickly wiped it away before composing myself.

I cleared my throat and summoned every bit of courage, every bit of anger, and every last ounce of resentment I held for this woman who now wanted to be my mother after almost five miserable fucking years with her.

_I let it all out._

"Where the fuck do you get off talking to me like that?" She winced slightly as I raged on, "_Years,_ Renee. _Years,_ I spent begging for your attention, doing nothing but torturing myself day after day thinking of what I could do to please you… only to get your cold-ass stare of disappointment each time." I pulled at my hair with one hand while chewing on my nails on the other, trying vainly to calm my raging anger.

"Tell me something, _mommy_ _dearest_. What do they say to you in your support groups?" I made little quotations with my fingers while rolling my eyes at her, "…about the fact that you sat on your fucking pathetic, lazy ass while your 'so-called-boyfriend' fucked the shit out of your seventeen year old daughter?"

I looked at her, my eyes burning with hatred and resentment. Her head was down, and her shoulders were shaking slightly. I caught a glimpse of a single tear that slid down her cheek before she caught it with her sleeve, but still no response. This just fueled my anger all the more.

"What? No good comebacks today, Mom? No good answer for why I had to lose my virginity to some greasy, drunk asshole that you brought into our home, in the safety of my own room, while begging and pleading for death to take me because that would have been much better; while you sat in your office, at work, taking swig after swig of your precious booze?" I was screaming now, but to hell if I cared. She wanted to bring that shit up. Well, I sure as hell was finally ready to let her have it. _All of it._ I was finally going to get this shit off my shoulders and put that guilt and shame right where it belonged; _on hers_.

With that, I threw my door open and stormed into the house, locking myself in my room as the tears poured from my stinging, bloodshot eyes.

I quickly tore through my carryon bag, throwing shit all over the place as I located what I desired most right now. What would release me from the pain I was feeling, the raging and thunderous pain that was ripping through my entire body. I slipped the cap off, dropped it to the floor, and took a long-ass swig of my twenty-sixer of Jack. Shit, that stuff still caught me every time. It burned its way down my throat and settled in the pit of my stomach in a warm little pool, drowning all the bad thoughts and feelings, and leaving me in an utterly content and blissful state of mind.

I plopped onto my bed and lit a smoke, inhaling deeply, trying to calm my frazzled nerves; and a few more swigs later, I was feeling fine. Renee still had yet to try and bother me, for which I was grateful. I needed time. Lots of fucking time.

I sat crossed legged on my bed, always a lit smoke in one hand, my friend, Jack, in the other, and let my thoughts wander to all the shitty things I had gone through in the last few years.

My mom… Phil… Edward… Phil… Edward… Phil… my mom… Phil. FUCK!

I couldn't deal with the pain. It was too much.

My mother abandoned me when I needed her most. She allowed a predator into our home and did nothing as that fucking monster tortured me and violated me in the most unforgivable ways.

Phil… well, he was the predator, the violator; and he had taken such pleasure in my pain and fear. _Fucking creep!_

Edward… shit, what can I even say? Half the shit that guy had done to me I couldn't even remember. And the saddest part of it was that no matter how revolted I wanted to be about the whole thing, the harder I found it to be mad at him. He was too sweet and too perfect. There was no way in hell he did anything against my will. Maybe he didn't think it through very well, considering I was so fucking wasted, but he definitely could not have taken advantage of me. I just didn't see him capable of such things. But then, he had to go and ignore me; making me feel like an ass. Fuck, that man had me so damn confused and lost.

Before I had a chance to lift the lit smoke in my hand to my lips, I felt a dull pain flash up my finger and into my hand. I hissed quietly and looked at my hand in astonishment. I dropped the smoke into the empty pop can I was using as an ash tray and inspected my fingers carefully.

Shit, how long was that thing burning away on my finger before I noticed. I prodded the angry looking burn gingerly, expecting pain; instead, I felt only the slightest bit of pain followed by a rush of relief and contentment. _Man, I was fucked up!_

I took a few more swigs from my, now, half-empty bottle and lit yet another cigarette. I took a few good puffs before slowly lowering the flaming red tip to my wrist. I tentatively sat it against my flesh and waited for the pain; again, nothing, only the odd sensation of being in control with dull pain attached to it.

I smiled. I was purposely inflicting pain on my body, me for once, and no one else. And for the first time in my life, I truly felt like I was finally able to control the amount of pain coursing through my broken body. I sighed as I lowered the smoke once again and smiled to myself.

I had control. I liked the sound of that!

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**I hope to hear from you all.**


	11. She's Gone!

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**Ѿ**

**She's Gone? ~**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**EPOV**

I was such an ass. How could I have not said anything to her? I growled at my reflection as I tugged at my unruly hair.

I had made such a mess of things. Somehow, I managed to develop deep feelings for this girl. A girl who was obviously pretty fucking messed up in her own life, never mind bringing all my shit into that equation. What the hell was I thinking? _How could I have done this?_

I always prided myself for maintaining my virtue all these years Even with all the pressure I got from Alicia, I still managed to keep my virginity. But Bella was different; all it took was one little glimpse at her pleasuring herself for me to come completely undone. I couldn't have turned away from her at that moment had I tired. The pull was just too strong.

She was so beautiful sitting there, and to see her touching herself on top of that… Shit! It was the most amazing, most erotic, and most alluring thing I had ever seen. And that's saying a lot, 'cause honestly, I had watched a hell of a lot of porn in my days.

So, the horny moronic teenager in me took over; and I did it. I lost the only pure thing left of me, to a girl who I was in love with, who wanted nothing to do with me. Yep, I sure had made a heaping mess of my life.

I sighed loudly and dropped my forehead into my hands.

"What's the matter, big brother?" Alice's chime-like voice sounded right beside me. I jumped slightly. _How does she always manage to sneak up on me like that?_

_Stupid sneaky pixie._

Could I tell Alice how I was feeling? Could I bring myself to tell her what had happened between Bella and me? They were friends, after all. Maybe she would hate me for it. Maybe she'd go all 'demonic pixie' on me and kick my pathetic ass! That was one scary fucking thought. But I really did need someone to talk to, someone to give me some clue as to what I should do and how I could approach Bella and tell her how I felt.

"Okay, I could really use someone to talk to, but you have to promise to just listen until I am finished, okay?"

Alice's eyes lit up like a child in a candy shop as she bobbed her head up and down.

"I slept with Bella. Now I think I am in love with her, but she won't talk to me. I feel like an ass. I really want to be with her, but I know I need to deal with my own ghosts-of-girlfriend's-past bullshit. And it seems like she is one messed up chick, as well. It's so messed up, Alice. I don't know what to do; I don't know what to say. How on earth do I fix this disastrous mound of shit?" I inhaled deeply, sucking in a huge breath of a much needed air since I had almost run out of breath with my little hissy rant.

Alice was looking at me with bewilderment and something else… oh shit… she looked _pissed_.

"You mean to tell me…" She paused and began pacing, her little hands balled into tight fists and shaking furiously. "You could have stopped her… if you would have told her… maybe just maybe it would have worked… I can't believe you sometimes… I think the two of you would be good for each other… you'd need to go to counseling, of course… and she _definitely_ needs some, as well… but if you had at least had the balls to tell her… maybe she'd till be here…"

Alice wasn't making much sense. _Wait! What?_

"What the fuck are you talking about? Where the hell is Bella?" I roared, sprinting up from my current spot on my bed and towering over Alice's flinching form.

"She went back home. Back to her Mom's," Alice whispered.

My mind was reeling with this new bit of information.

Bella, the woman I loved, the woman I had given myself to completely, was… gone.

The room around me began to sway, as the walls slowly began closing in around me. I clenched my fists to my face and whimpered as I fell to my knees in a pathetic, blubbering mess.

I felt Alice rubbing my back; I could hear her whispering softly words of comfort, but nothing seemed to break through the barrier of pain that had taken over my mind and body.

Bella… my love… was gone!

"Edward, sweetie, calm down," Alice cooed as tears streamed down my face.

My breath hitched, and just as I was about to tell Alice to go fuck herself, she said words that made my aching heart jump, "She's coming back later this month; it's just a visit."

I let out a massive breath I hadn't realized I had been holding, but the lightheadedness I felt as it whooshed from my mouth informed me I had indeed been holding my breath and maybe for a little too long.

I sat rigidly, staring off into nowhere, as thoughts, pictures, and ideas whirled around in my head.

After what felt like hours, I looked over at Alice, and with a shaky breath, I whispered, "Please tell Mom and Dad I am ready. It's time I dealt with my past."

Alice burst into tears, wrapped her tiny arms around my shaking body, and held me with an iron grip someone so tiny should not possess.

I knew then, somehow, someway, I could fix me; and if I could fix me, I could help fix Bella… and if I could fix Bella… _maybe…_ _just_ maybe… there would be a chance for the two of us to find happiness together, after all.

**Ѿ**

**Short one. I know. Next update will be much longer and soon coming.**

**Thoughts? I'd love to hear from ya!**


	12. The Aftermath

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Beegurl13 is amazing and walked me through the sneaky posting process. Let's hope this shizz works :-P**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly_

**Chapter 11 – The Aftermath**

**BPOV**

I spent the next week locked up in my room, and only ventured out when I heard Renee's car leave the drive to sneak a bite to eat and watch some boring-ass show on TV. Once, I even made my way to the ancient computer she had in the dining room and checked my email.

Three long-ass emails were from Alice, mostly about Jasper and the fact that they were screwing like bunnies, since her parents were away for the summer in France on their second honeymoon kind-of-thing.

She told me about Rose and Emmett, and how they had gotten engaged. This shocked me; they were still so young. They were both a year older than Alice and I, making them nineteen, with their whole lives ahead of them. So, I guess marriage just seemed like a huge step to me. But really, it _was_ Emmett and Rosalie, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't picture them with anyone but each other; so, I guess if one looked at it that way, it made perfect sense. Why not take that next step, if you knew you would spend the rest of your life loving that person, right?

Then, she went on to tell me about Edward and how he got accepted into some Ivy-League university; how he was spending his summer slaving at the hospital helping his father keep up with some paperwork while he was away and visiting some of the kids there in the children's ward. My heart leapt as I read his name. It had been five days since I had allowed his name to enter my mind. Five days of threatening my mind with cigarettes and lighters at the first sign of thoughts of him. My mind now seemed to recoil from the very letter 'E' as a first letter in any word, almost as if it shut down at just the syllable. I really couldn't blame it. I winced slightly as I rolled up my long sleeve and took in the grotesque sight of my marred flesh. I knew what I was doing was wrong; there was absolutely nothing right or normal about it. But it worked, and that was all that mattered. I had even cut back on my drinking and nicotine intake since I started burning myself. The pain was there, but with it came that power; and the pain mixed with the power was the only thing that reminded me that I was, indeed, just a human wandering around aimlessly in one cruel-ass world. It kept me sane.

I quickly typed out a short but sweet response to Alice, telling her I missed her and would be home in twenty one days. I also asked her if she would be so kind as to pick me up at the airport on the twenty seventh, forewarning her that I would arrive shortly after nine AM in case she preferred to sleep in and meet up with me later in the day.

There was one last email from the school letting me know when schedules would be available for next year's classes and informing us that one of our teachers would be leaving.

I noticed I had seven new emails in my junk mail folder. I was about to open them and check out what advertisements had been sent to me, probably someone selling a penis enlarger or Viagra or some shit. Ha! As I clicked the junk mail folder, I heard a door shut out front and slammed my hand down on the computer in my haste to close my email. Hissing in pain as my arm throbbed in protest, I quickly logged off the computer and flew up to the safety of my room.

_Seventeen days_… seventeen _long_ _boring_ days holed up in my room with no one to talk to but myself. And let me tell you, those conversations were not the best. Rarely did I get the response I was looking for, and that alter egotistical 'me' liked to argue. A LOT.

I sniffed at the air, and my nose crunched up in disgust. What the hell was that offensive smell? I knew I snuck all the dirty dishes downstairs last night, and I surprisingly kept my room immaculately clean for the amount of time I was spending in it. So where could that smell be coming from?

I checked under my bed and desk, behind pillows and knick knacks… NOTHING! I quickly whipped open the closet and searched the floor. I reached upwards to check the shelving and almost feel over from the strong smell. I Sniffed at my armpit and jerked my head back as I gagged. Holy shit… That smell… It was coming from _me_! Damn!

I guess it made sense. I had been here seventeen freaking days and not once had I taken a shower. I ran my hands through my greasy, clumpy hair and sighed. I leaned against the door and listened for any movement coming from Renee. Not a sound. I glanced at the bedside clock, it was almost ten o'clock. Maybe she had gone to bed early. I quickly grabbed my bag of toiletries and a change of clothes. I peeked out the small crack of the door and scurried across the hall when I knew the coast was clear. I clicked the lock the second my back was against the cool hard door and let out a huge breath of relief. I definitely did not want a run-in with Renee looking and smelling like this. I was in no shape for her shit right now. I desperately needed some _me_ time with some warm water and a hell of a lot of soap. I pulled my pants off and grumbled to myself. I would need a few razor heads, as well. It looked like a jungle was growing in patches all over my body; maybe a chain-saw would be more appropriate. Yuk!

Three hours, _yep,_ three hours later, I was red and blotchy from all my scrubbing; my arms were raw, some scabs now once again open and painful, much more painful then when they actually occurred. _Weird!_ I had used a whole bottle of shampoo on my hair, and demolished a bar of soap and a bottle of body wash scrubbing the dirt and grime off of my body. It only took two razor heads to get me all clean-shaven, one for my legs and pits, and the other for… well, _down there_… and let me tell ya… that was a battle I never wanted to fight again. _Note to self: make sure to shave pubic area at least once weekly to avoid painful pulls and nicks._

I busted the first brush trying to tear through the mound of knots that had formed in my hair and yelped in pain. I searched the cupboards until I found what I was looking for, and quickly, without giving myself time to think about what I was doing, began chopping at mass amounts of hair. When I was done, I gently brushed Renee's tiny little brush through my hair, careful not to break it, as well, and studied my reflection in the mirror. A single tear escaped my eye as I stared at the hollow looking, short-haired girl looking back at me. I had taken off a good twelve inches, and had never had my hair this short before. It was cut in what one would consider a cute little bob that hung just below my chin. I ran my fingers through it. It felt so light, almost as If I had no hair at all. It was surprisingly refreshing.

I slid on some much needed deodorant and turned to exit the bathroom when I noticed a folded piece of pink paper on the floor. I picked it up and studied it cautiously, as if it might hold the secrets of the universe. I silently scolded myself for being so pathetic and lowered myself to sit on the closed toilet and opened the piece of paper. It was a note from Renee; well, more like a novel, but either way; it was from Renee. I closed my eyes and fought internally with my mind and heart. Was I ready for this? Could I handle whatever she had to say? Did I even want to read the letter?

Ultimately, my heart betrayed my mind. As sad as it sounded, I still loved my mother; my heart yearned for her, but my brain had other plans and raged at me to smarten the fuck up and flush the letter.

With shaky hands and moist eyes, I opened the letter and began to read.

_My dearest Bella,_

_I have thought long and hard about what I would say to you in this letter, and I do hope in the end, even if you are unable to forgive me, it might at the very least help you to understand why I did the awful things I did._

_Firstly, let me tell you that you never, ever, not once, deserved what happened to you, not anything you got from Phil or from me._

_At first, I didn't know how Phil was with you. I thought it was only me he violated that way._

_After months of the rough, forced sex, I began to descend into my own mind. I blocked everything out to deal with the pain. I tried defending you at first to him, reprimanding him when he would speak down about you, but then the rough and forced sex escalated into severe beatings. The night he sent me to the hospital on my own with a broken collar bone and three cracked ribs, I gave up completely._

_I know it was selfish of me to give up and let you endure his wrath, but please, you must believe me… I didn't know about the rapes until afterwards. I did know that he hit you from time to time. He never was very good at hiding the bruises on his knuckles, that or he just didn't care, likely the latter of the two._

_When Phil's hand got sore from beating me, he would demand I go to your room and drag you out and hit you. I begged and pleaded with him to just leave you alone. I told him I was willing to endure twice his wrath if he just left you be, but he seemed to enjoy this and cut me with his rusty pocket knife for disobeying him. I felt horrible at first for hitting you, but as my mind twisted from the pain, humiliation, and disgust I had for myself, I found myself enjoying it when I hit you. I felt jilted, trying to understand why was I being put through such agony and you were left to live your life completely and blissfully unaware. Again, I know I was wrong in my reasoning, and I cannot begin to apologize for the pain I put you through. I am so sorry._

I had to stop here. My tears were blurring my vision and splattering onto the page, smearing the scrawled words to the point I could no longer make some of them out.

I calmed myself enough to cease the flowing tears and reduced them to tiny whimpers and sniffles before I continued reading the letter. My hands were now shaking violently, and I had to fight to keep them steady enough to read the remaining words.

_After the incident with you and Phil, I snapped. I was so scared for you and truly felt that the only way I could make you leave was to force you to go somewhere, thinking I didn't care about you anymore._

_I was so lost, Bella… and that breaking point was the only good thing I had left to offer you. So, while Phil was safely away at the hospital, I made sure I got you out of the house as quickly as possible. I couldn't help myself and gave you the one good thing I had left of your innocent days, the poem you wrote me in grade school. I was hoping by giving you that, that somehow you would know that I still loved you, that I always did._

_After Phil returned home from the hospital, things got a bit better, but only until he healed enough to once again throw punches. During one of my many beatings in the following weeks, after you left, he finally told me how he had stolen your virginity and how much he had enjoyed it. It disgusted me, Bella. I threw up all over him and went crazy; I beat him with the iron poker from the fireplace._

_One of the neighbors must have heard the ruckus and called the police, because, if it weren't for the burly officer that pulled me from his barely breathing broken body, I would have killed him. I shiver at the thought that I am capable of such violence, but I don't know what came over me. I saw red as he taunted me with the horrible acts he had done to you, my beautiful little girl._

_I spent three nights in a holding cell before the DA determined that what I did was in self defense. I know they were going light on me, considering the damage I had caused and that I hadn't stopped hitting him after he was down. But I guess the officer felt sorry for me since he, too, had a daughter close to your age._

_I am so sorry, Bella, but I told them everything, everything Phil did. Everything. They want to press charges, and Phil is now out of the hospital and being held at the county jail. I had to call your dad and tell him everything, too, so he would know before he overheard anything from a fellow officer._

_I truly believe that, even if you can never forgive me, this is the right thing for you to do. Pressing charges and shutting the door to this part of your past will help you heal and hopefully move forward to a more fulfilling and happy life._

_Again, my darling, I am so sorry for everything I put you through and everything I was oblivious to, as well._

_All my love,_

_Mom_

**Reviews would be lovely!**

**Thoughts on Renee?**

**As usual, I will send teasers.**

**xx**


	13. One Step Forward and Two Steps Back!

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**In lieu of replying to reviews- I got this ready. I hope this is okay. If not, please tell me. I will make sure to wait on updates, and review first.**

**Xx**

_Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly_

**Chapter 12 – One step forward and two steps back!**

**BPOV**

I woke to the sounds of the god-awful birds chirping. Aghhh!

My head felt like it was weighed down by a ton of bricks. I slowly opened my eyes and found myself on a floor. A cold, tiled floor. I pried my sticky cheek from the floor and looked around, confused as to how I had ended up here. It appeared I was in the bathroom. _What the fuck?_ I clenched my eyes shut and tried to remember how in the hell I might have gotten here. Within seconds, it all came flooding back like a dam exploding. Tears sprung to my eyes, and I grasped at my chest trying to calm my breathing and get a full mouthful of air before I passed out from the lightheadedness.

My mom, the letter, she told Charlie… she told the _police_. I would have to press charges. Probably go on the stand and have to re-account the horrible things Phil had done to me, in front of dozens of strangers. A strangled wail escaped my lips as I once again collapsed to the cold hard floor, wrapping my arms protectively around my legs as I curled up in a fetal position.

I lay there for what felt like forever, just going over everything in my head. I could vaguely see the little pink note, just out of my peripheral vision, and reached out to grab it. I read my mother's words over and over again, and just let the tears flow. Not once did I try to stop them or wipe them from my face.

After what seemed like hours, I pulled myself together and gathered enough strength to crawl off the floor and perched myself on the side of the bath tub. Shakily, I ran my fingers through my now very short hair and contemplated how I would deal with what Renee had confessed in her letter.

Could I forgive her? Or at least try? Could I bring myself to testify against the man that had single-handedly destroyed my very world? Could I move forward in my life? Maybe try to make things work with Edward. That is, after I have a long-ass talk with him about what had happened the night of the party, of course.

It surprisingly didn't take me long to answer those life-altering questions.

I don't know. Yes, I would. Hell yes! I'd like to think so. I deserved happiness and truly thought he could give it to me, but of course, we still had to come to terms with what happened between us.

With a clear, set, and determined mind, I rose from the tub and grabbed my mother's note and my toiletries bag. With my head held high, I made my way to the door, finally ready to confront my mother.

I opened the door and took in a deep shaky breath and tripped over something that shouldn't have been in front of the bathroom door.

I cursed as I landed with a thud on my ass. My eyes widened as I took in the sleeping form of my mother, looking all vulnerable and broken curled up at the bathroom door.

I sat and watched her chest rise and fall for a moment, and decided to wake her before I lost my resolve completely.

She mumbled something about not hurting her and tried to roll over but hit her head on the corner of the door way instead. She, too, cursed as she groggily took in her surroundings, her gaze finally landed on me; and I watched as tears pooled along her lower rims and threatened to spill over. She tentatively reached her hand up, shaking like a leaf, but just as she was about to touch my cheek, I flinched back and put up my arm.

"Not yet, Mom, we have some things I want to discuss." She lowered her arm and nodded her head.

"We should go sit somewhere more comfortable," she whispered as she pulled herself up from the floor and offered me her hand to help me up. I hesitantly took it and followed closely behind her as we made our way to the living room.

"I want you to listen to everything I have to say before you respond, okay?" I began shakily as we sat across from each other on the couches.

She nodded and motioned for me to continue.

"I read your note, and let me first tell you, that it doesn't make what you did to me right. You are my mother and should have protected me the best you could. I can only imagine what you were going through, but I vividly remember exactly what I went through, and even if you hadn't been able to stop it, I know having you on my side and there with me while I cried, comforting me, would have been much better than believing that maybe… _just_ maybe, I deserved what I was getting as I looked into your cold hard, dead eyes every time you saw me." I stopped to catch my breath and give my mother time to let what I had said sink in.

She opened and closed her mouth numerous times, before she shook her head vehemently and fisted at her messy hair.

I waited for her to say something while I twisted my fingers around and around a loose thread on my shirt. When nothing came from her, I glanced up and noticed her shoulder jumping frantically as silent tears splashed onto her pants.

I don't know what came over me, something of a motherly nature I suppose, but I couldn't help my actions if I tried. I sprung from my place on the couch and was at her side within seconds, wrapping my arms around her shaking shoulders and whispering soft words of comfort in her ear. When she calmed down enough to hopefully hear me, I whispered gently in her hair, "I don't know if I can forgive you just yet, but I know I love you, and I am willing to try." With that, a fresh bout of tears began soaking my shirt as I cradled my mother's head, gently running my fingers through her tangled hair as silent, satisfied tears slipped off my jaw.

**One step forward!**

"Bellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" I could hear Alice squealing before I could actually see her.

I looked around in fear, trying to figure out where her flying form would jet out from, but just as I caught sight of a bright flash of pink, Alice bounced right into my arms almost knocking me over in the process.

"Oh my God, I have missed you so much. How are you? Oh my, look at your hair, so cute. I love it. Oh, I could put some nice blond streaks in it that would totally bring out your eyes. Oh, I can't wait. I can pick up the stuff after we are done shopping. Eeeeekkkkk… what an amazing day. I get my best friend back; I get to shop and do your hair." She was bouncing up and down like a freaking Jack-in-the-box as I tried to comprehend everything she had just said. WAIT!

"_Shopping_? _Hair_? What are you rambling about, you evil little pixie?" I grumbled as I tried to keep the scowl on my face.

Really, all I wanted to do was hug the shit out of her. I had missed her so much, and after dealing with so much back in Phoenix, I felt a ton lighter and totally ready to take on the world.

Alice had her little pink bottom lip jutted out and a sad little pleading look in her eyes. Fuck! She knew I couldn't resist that shit. I sighed and rolled my eyes at her.

"Fine, let's go do some shopping, but I have got to call my dad first and let him know I made it back okay."

"I already did, the second I saw you coming through the gate. He says he can't wait to see you and for you to enjoy our shopping trip. He also said the two of you need to talk when you get home, but he'd let it wait so we can have a sleepover…" Her voice trailed off near the end, and I had to struggle to hear her.

"What did you just say? _Sleepover_? What sleepover?" I questioned cautiously. I wasn't sure if I was quite ready to deal with Edward just yet.

I shook my head at her and couldn't help the huge grin that spread across my face; it was good to be home.

Alice piled my bags in the back of her Porsche and chatted relentlessly on the way to the mall.

Six hours, six hours of complete torture; four outfits and two pairs of shoes later… and to me, that was enough to last me the coming school year. But no, Alice assured me with a witchy grin that we would once again make our way to Port Angeles before school started to ensure I had a much more adequate wardrobe for the coming year. I didn't bother trying to argue. I was sure I could come up with some way of getting out of it, like really, I had a whole month to think up some bullshit excuse.

I excused myself and went outside to sneak a quick smoke before we stopped for a bite to eat.

As I entered the cafeteria, my stomach began grumbling painfully. Shit! I forgot I had yet to eat today, and apparently, my tummy was not too happy about that. I scanned the different vendors and settled on Chinese food. It was one of those 'pick and choose' kinda things, and I piled my plate as high as I dared. I silently prayed that I wouldn't trip and land my face in that shit on my way back to our table.

Alice giggled as I joined her, "Think you got enough food there, Bella? What, did you forget to eat while you were away, and now you plan on compensating for that in one sitting?" She laughed at her own joke. I just glared at her and dug into the delicious food in front of me.

Three bites in, I started feeling a bit queasy. _Damn flight_ I thought to myself. Making my stomach all flip-floppy.

I shrugged it off and continued eating at a slower pace. Alice eyed me curiously as I jumped from the table and ran to the bathroom.

I dropped to the floor, at the first available stall I came to, and immediately began retching into the disgusting bowl as I tried with shaky arms to hold myself up and not let my face touch the germ-infested bowl. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to find Alice all sympathetic looking, holding my purse as she rubbed my back gently.

I dry heaved a few more times before I was able to compose myself and went to wash up in the sink.

"You okay, Bells?" Alice asked softly.

I nodded. "Yeah, I think all this flying is getting to me. Maybe we can just head back to your place and relax for the rest of the night?" I suggested, hoping she would understand. She nodded and laced her arm through mine as we made our way quietly back to her car.

Alice called her mom on the way home to tell her I wasn't feeling too well and that we were on our way home.

When we arrived at the Cullen house, I immediately felt like part of the fucking Brady bunch. Esme came rushing out the door and wrapped her arms around me the second I was out of the car. Carlisle stood smiling, just behind her, "Welcome back, Bella, it's good to see you."

Emmett came barreling out of the front door and broke into a full-out sprint the moment he saw me. Poor tiny Alice had to pry me from his death grip just so I could breathe.

As I stood on the front lawn gasping for breath while Emmett's booming laughter filled the air, Rose gave me a small hug and welcomed me back, along with Jasper.

I was surprised when I didn't see Edward anywhere, but noticed the curtains fluttering in his room when I glanced up at his window. Hmmm!

"Come on inside, dear. I made you some homemade chicken soup. Boys, grab her bags, please." And with that she led me into the house and to the kitchen where the most wonderful smell wafted from, making me drool like a sick puppy.

"Oh, Esme, that smells absolutely delicious. Thank you so much," I gushed as I slurped back the yummy liquid.

By the time I finished my massive bowl of soup, I had answered a hundred too many questions about my trip back home and was absolutely spent.

"Alice, do you mind if I go lay down, now?" I glanced at the clock on the mantle; it was already almost nine o'clock, and I was so ready for a good night's rest.

"Of course, let me grab a movie, and we can lie down in my room and watch it until we fall asleep," she sang out as she bounced into the living room.

"Goodnight, everyone," I called over my shoulder as I slowly made my way upstairs.

I grabbed my toiletries and a pair of pj's and headed into the adjoining bathroom to brush my teeth and get changed for bed. I had just finished up and put my short hair into a small stubby ponytail, when the opposite door swung open to reveal a shocked and very embarrassed looking Edward.

"Oh, umm… sorry… I didn't realize anyone was in here," he mumbled while staring at the floor.

All of a sudden, I felt blood rush to my head and my body starting swaying, "E… Edward?" I whispered as my legs gave out and my vision blurred. I could feel myself falling. I could hear Edward calling out me to me as my body slammed into something cold and hard.

"Bella… Bella, honey… can you hear me?"

"Car… lisle?"

"Yes, Bella, it's me. You gave us quite a scare, there. How do you feel? Does anything hurt?" He sounded so concerned. I wondered what happened.

"Scare… why?" I fumbled with my words, trying to figure out what was going on.

"You took quite a nasty fall, Bella. Luckily, Edward was there and brought you right to me," he informed, with a hint of pride in his voice.

I fell? Hmmm… oh, wait! Yep, I did. In the bathroom. Right in front of Edward. Sexy ass, yummy-licious Edward got to see me fall, yet again. Shit!

"Does anything hurt, Bella?" Carlisle repeated again.

I took a moment and thought about that. Yep!

"My head, and I have a small amount of pain in my… um… abdomen," I whispered, hoping Edward didn't hear that last part.

"Bella, if it is okay with you, I want to take you to the hospital and run a few tests just to be safe. Is that okay?"

"Umm… I guess." I struggled to get up, but Carlisle held me down. Don't push yourself. Here, let me help you."

Once at the hospital, Carlisle went all out, switching from concerned father-like figure to doctor-mode before my eyes.

He got me into a room within seconds and even brought Edward, of all people, along to assist in walking me into the hospital.

"So, I am just going to run some standard blood work and make sure nothing is off with your body, and then we can head back to the house, okay?"

I nodded and clenched my eyes shut, like the baby I was, as he stuck me with the tiny needle. I heard Edward chuckle beside me. So I stuck my tongue out childishly at him.

"There we go. All done. Why don't you lie back and relax while I send this down to the lab and put a rush on it? I'll be back in no time; I promise. Edward can stay and keep you company. Right, Edward?"

"No problem," he mumbled, looking at me warily.

I closed my eyes and let my thoughts drift. I think I was almost asleep when I heard Edward clear his throat. I jerked my eyes open and looked at him curiously. It was obvious he wanted to say something but was struggling with it.

"Yes, Edward?" I urged him softly.

"Ummm… why didn't you ever write me back? Alice said you wrote her back, only once or twice, but still. Why didn't you respond to my emails?"

I looked at him dumbstruck. "What emails? I never got any."

"That's just not possible; I even snuck into Alice's computer to make sure I had the right email address. I sent you like four or five emails, Bella."

I sighed, "Oh crap!"

"What?"

"I think they ended up in my junk mail folder, and I didn't bother checking them. I just assumed they were spammers trying to sell me some sort of bullshit. I'm sorry. I promise, as soon as we get back to the house, I will check them okay."

"No," He said just a little too loud and a little too quick. "What I meant was, they're not really that important now that you're back… you know." He fumbled with his keys, not looking anywhere near me.

"Is there something in those emails I should know about, Edward?" I questioned nervously. Obviously, he had written something he had hoped I would get before I came back.

"Ummm… maybe we should finally talk now…" He looked up at me with frightened eyes.

I was about to agree when Carlisle came rushing back in the room, looking a little perplexed.

"Umm… Bella I got your test results back. Can I have a moment _alone_ with you?" He looked over at Edward.

"It's okay," I interrupted, "I don't mind if Edward is here. He will find out soon enough, anyways."

"Are you sure, Bella?" Carlisle cautioned.

"Yep, shoot. What'd ya find, doc?" I smiled up at him, trying to lighten the mood.

"Umm… well, Bella, health wise, you are absolutely _fine_. But Ummm, we ran a pretty standard blood test and it ummm… came back positive," He looked so nervous… _What the shit?_

I was getting annoyed now. Why didn't he just spit it out already? Once again, he glanced between Edward and I. "Uh… Bella, you… umm... you're pregnant…"

"**WHAT?"**

**Two steps back!**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**A/N – Thud**

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**Okay, back now. Thoughts, rants, worries, favorite part of the chapter?**

**Just to let u all know. In case you've missed it. My one shot for The Fandoms Fight Domestic Abuse is now on my profile. It is called Never Again – check it out. I'd love to hear ur thoughts on it. Also, the word scramble one shot from the Valentine's Day countdown is also up- Pink Hearts and Cupid Cards. And it is sooo sweet. Be sure not to miss that one.**

**xx**


	14. I Don't Want Anything From You

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril____Connolly_

**Chapter 13 - I don't want anything from you~**

**BPOV**

_What? What the hell did he just say? Blasphemy… that was what he was sputtering. The darkest kind of lies! How dare he say that kind of shit to me?_

"Are you off your rocker, Carlisle? I think you had better run that test again," I hissed at him, my eyes slanted, and my chest heaving with gasping breaths.

"I am fairly certain they will be _exactly_ the same," he said hesitantly.

"Enlighten me!" The venom in my voice was clear as day. I knew I shouldn't be taking this out on Carlisle. Apparently, someone down in the lab thought this was some kind of fucking joke, and Carlisle was just reading results from a print out.

After he left the room with the new vile of blood, I chanced a look at Edward. He was pacing back and forth in a very tight little spot which only served to make him look like a madman.

I could only imagine what was going through his head. He probably thought I had gone off to Phoenix and spent my time slutting around. Ha! If he only knew the truth; the only man I had ever slept with willingly, was him. That is… if I had indeed jumped into bed with him _willingly._

Edward noticed me staring at him and gave me a small smile. His mouth twitched at the corners, and I knew he was about to say something, probably something important too; but I just wasn't ready for that kind of serious talk right now so I put my hand up and shook my head. His mouth sagged a bit and he looked slightly wounded by my actions, so I elaborated, "I know we need to talk, but not now, okay. Tomorrow, after I get some rest, I'm all yours; I will hear you out. I promise." This seemed to please him, and he let out a huge breath of air while fisting his hair then trailing his fingers down to the bridge of his nose.

Not twenty minutes later, Carlisle swiftly made his way back into the room to join us.

I damn near jumped out of my skin as he handed me my chart with a smug smile. I quickly scanned it hoping I would understand what I was reading.

Didn't really take a genius to comprehend the 'world-altering' little word on the page in plain black and white.

**POSITIVE**!

I could feel Edward hanging over my shoulder, his short bursts of breath trailing across my neck, obviously wanting to know what the test had showed. I felt his body tense behind me, "I… umm… I have to go. Dad, are you okay to bring Bella back to the house?" he mumbled as he warily took as many steps as possible away from from me.

"Of course, Edward, but we will be leaving in a minute; why don't you just come with us?" The confusion in Carlisle's voice even made me question Edward's abrupt departure.

"Yeah… umm… I have to check on something. Sorry!" He strode quickly out of the room, leaving Carlisle and I gaping at his retreating figure, and wondering what the hell had gotten into him.

The drive back to the Cullen's was a quiet one. I knew Carlisle had plenty that he wanted to say to me. I was glad he held off, for now. He had given me some prenatal pills at the hospital along with some information booklets and a strict diet plan. He had also, oh so kindly, set me up for my first baby check-up and ultrasound. It was for tomorrow at four.

Alice was beside herself with curiosity when we returned. Jumping around, and even going so far as to make extra shopping trip threats to try to pry the information out of my mouth. Carlisle, obviously, couldn't say anything, since he was a doctor, and Edward… well… _Edward_ had still yet to return home.

I kept my new found 'fuck-up' to myself for the time being. I figured it was probably best to speak with Edward first, considering he was the father.

_OH SHIT!_

Edward Freakin' Cullen, the man that may or may not have taken advantage of me. The man, who had been ripping my insides apart for weeks now with the feelings and anxiety that had been raging through me, is the father of my bastard child. I groaned. Carlisle looked over at me curiously. I just shrugged. He let it go, thankfully.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I would be going to my appointment alone. I didn't get the chance to talk to Edward because, _well_… Edward never came home. The tension in the air at the Cullen home was so thick you could slice it with a knife. Everyone was confused as to why I would not elaborate on my condition after getting back from the hospital. And the only person who did know locked himself away in his study for the remainder of the evening… but then there was Edward. Esme was beside herself with worry. He did not come home, nor did he call either, and he was not answering any of the many calls to him placed by both Esme and Alice. Apparently, this was not like him.

I snuck quietly out the back door of the Cullen's at the break of dawn, not wanting anyone to question where I needed to go. I wanted to get home, shower and change before the dreadful appointment this afternoon.

"Hey, Bells, is that you?" My dad called out from the living room.

"Yeah, Dad. I am surprised you're not at work yet," I responded, shocked he was actually still home. He usually left long before the sun came up.

"Just leaving now, sweetie. I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you about… well… _you_ _know_," he mumbled as he gave me a quick hug.

"Can we talk later, when you get home?" Thankfully he nodded. "Good to have you home, kid," he whispered as he ducked out the door.

After I showered and got ready, I tried to call Edward. It went straight to voicemail. He must have his phone off. I huffed, and then I remembered something!

I rushed over to my ancient computer and booted it up. It hummed loudly as if protesting the very act as it loaded. Many minutes later, I opened my email and clicked on my junk mail folder. Sure enough, there were four; yep count them, _four_ emails sitting there from Edward. All dated during the period of my absence.

I don't know why, but the thought of reading them scared the shit out of me. Why was he so upset about them when I said I would read them later? What could he possibly have said that he was so skittish about?

I read the first one; it was just a normal email, nothing to be concerned about. This made me feel a bit better.

_Hey Bella,_

_It's me, Edward. I hope you don't mind that I got your email address from Alice._

_Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing._

_When are you coming back? And why didn't you tell me you were leaving?_

_Things here are the same. Alice shopping, Emmett and Rose making out every chance they get; and Jasper and I have been spending most of our free time relaxing and fishing._

_Alright… I should go now._

_Take care,_

_Edward._

… DELETE

Next email, five days later…

_Bella,_

_Well, I guess you must be busy. Alice says she hasn't heard from you yet, either. So that makes me feel a bit better, knowing I am not the only one. Lol_

_Well, I just wanted to say hi. Write back soon._

_I miss you._

_Edward._

He missed me? I felt a small tear escape the corner of my eye, but just as suddenly as the sappy emotion hit me, it was gone. If he had missed me, then why had he bailed on me and disappeared when I needed him the most?

Email number three, ten days later…

_Bella,_

_Okay, so I now know you wrote Alice back, but not me. What's up with that?_

_I know we need to talk, especially after what happened 'that night'. Don't you think we should? You can't ignore me forever, unless… unless you don't plan on coming back at all…_

_Is that it, Bella, are you gone for good? It would be my luck._

_I'm sorry if I scared you off. I will leave you alone if that is what you wish. I do miss you, though. I really want to talk. There is something I really need to tell you. Well… a few things, actually._

_I don't really want to do that in an email, but I will tell you that I do hope maybe one day we can figure our shit out and try to be together. I think we could be real good for each other._

_Please, Bella, write me back, even if it is only to tell me to fuck off. Anything but this silence, I will take gladly._

_Edward._

I read and re-read the email over and over again. What did he mean 'it would be my luck'?

And 'scared me off', is that what he thought? Did he honestly believe I left just because of him?

And what the hell did he want to talk to me about? My fingers were shaking furiously as I attempted to click on the last email.

I stopped short after I mis-clicked three separate times and took a few calming breaths. If there were anything in these emails to have Edward worried, it must be in this one. Did I want to read it? Did I really want to know?

Twenty minutes, fourteen mis –clicks, and one delete and restore later, the battle raging between my head and my heart ended; and I clicked open the last email.

**Bleep**!

_Instant message from Sunshine girl: Hey, Bella, glad to see you made it home okay. How are you?_

_Lost-in-literature: Hi, Mom. Yes, I probably should have called, sorry. I am good._

_Sunshine girl: Would you mind terribly if I came to visit once school starts?_

_Lost-in-literature: Umm… I don't know… but I guess if we are going to try to work on things we need to see each other once in awhile, right?_

_Sunshine girl: That is what I was thinking._

_Lost-in-literature: Okay. September then! I am sure we will have lots to talk about._

_Sunshine girl: What does that mean?_

_Lost-in-literature: Never mind, we can talk when you get here. I will let Dad know._

_Sunshine girl: Okay, honey, I'm going to run now. Email me often, okay? Let me know how you're doing._

_Lost-in-literature: I will try._

_Sunshine girl: Love you, Bella, Bye!_

_Lost-in-literature: Okay, talk to you soon, bye._

I glanced at the time. It was already almost two-thirty. I sighed. Edward's last email would have to wait. It was time to go.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

"Okay, Isabella, do you know when your last period was?"

"Umm… no, not really. Sorry!" I whispered, ashamed at my lack of knowledge of my own body.

"It's okay; a lot of girls don't keep track of their menstrual cycles. This is something to keep in mind in the future," the doctor said with a bright smile. I nodded.

"Alright, here is a gown. Take off everything, except for your bra and underwear, and I'll be right back, okay."

I scampered out of my clothes and shivered as I pulled the thin, blue, open-backed robe over my arms. I wasn't sure how they expected me to tie it together since it was at the back of my neck for shit sakes. What did they think I had? Stretch arms? I didn't have to contemplate that long, though; there was a quick knock as the door swung open, and the doctor chuckled in amusement.

"Don't worry about doing it up; you won't be here long, and it really is a pain now, isn't it?" she said cheerily while motioning for me to get up on the bed.

I grunted in response and slid myself up onto the cold bed.

She pulled the sheet up just below my abdomen, and then my gown up just below my breasts. I felt so exposed.

Very few people had seen this much of my skin, there were too many scars, and I knew I looked hideous. But she didn't say a thing; and for that, I was grateful.

"Alright, I am going to put some gel on your stomach; it may be a bit cool."

"Okay," I barely whispered back. I didn't think I had ever in my life been this nervous. It felt like my heart would beat right out of my chest, if only it could find an opening it might fit through.

"Just relax, sweetie, none of this will hurt, at all. I promise "she said reassuringly. I tried to smile but was sure it came out as more of a grimace than anything else.

I flinched slightly as the cool jelly landed on my belly and she mashed it around with a little wand looking thing.

I could hear swooshing sounds coming from somewhere in the room. I glanced around trying to determine just where they were coming from, but before I could locate the source, the swooshing sounds took on a very steady, strong distinct thumping noise. A Heartbeat. My eyes jerked to the little blury screen beside the doctor, and she pointed at a little flicker on the black and white screen.

"That… right there, do you see that?" I nodded. "That is your baby's heart _beating_." I felt tears pool in my eyes as I watched the little flickering pulse on the screen.

The doctor started moving the wand around slowly before stopping once again and pointing at the screen.

"And that little bean right there… that is your _baby_." The damn broke and wild urgent sobs contracted my whole body.

I saw her click a few more buttons, but I couldn't hear a word she was saying; my eyes and ears were trained on the little monitor where my baby's heart beat was coming from. My baby! Wow, it felt so odd hearing someone else say it. It was almost like a smack in the face, a blunt object to the head, to say the least. Something true, hard and tangible to confirm what I already knew, but wasn't yet ready to accept. There was a little person living inside of me, and at that moment, I wasn't quite so sure how I felt about that.

As the tears slowed, the nurse handed me a copy of the pictures she took. Little black and white memories of the things I had seen and the noises I had heard. Apparently, it was so I could share it with my family.

"Alright, on your way out don't forget to schedule your next appointment. According to the ultrasound you are already seven weeks along. So you should come back in about a month, okay?"

"Alright." I slid off the bed as she exited the room; and in a daze, got myself dressed and headed home.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I walked home silently, staring at the little pictures the whole way, trying to figure out how I was going to tell Charlie; he would surely flip. He still looked at me as his little innocent girl. Well, that actually might not be true. I momentarily forgot that Renee had told him everything. I now worried he would think me promiscuous and never be able to look at me the same again. My heart clenched at the thought of him abandoning me at this crucial time of my life. He wouldn't, would he? No, not Charlie; he loved me. Right!

That small, annoying, nagging voice in the back of my brain roared to life.

_You don't know anything, Bella. Everyone leaves you eventually, and it is just a matter of time before Charlie realizes you're not worth it and tosses your pathetic ass out on the curb._

_He wouldn't do that. He loves me._

_Are you sure? Remember! Up until a few months ago, you didn't believe that, now did you?_

_Stop, just stop it. If I have to do this alone, I guess I will. Edward… he will help me._

_Edward. Ha! He bailed the second he found out you were knocked up, and he didn't even know he was the father yet. What do you think he is going to do when he finds out that he _is_ the father?_

_You're right, aren't you? I am so fucked. I am going to be a single mom, raising a bastard child on my own, and living off welfare because I couldn't even finish high school. Fuck!_

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I ran up the gravel drive and flew in the front door. Charlie wasn't home yet, for which I was thankful. I needed time to get my shit together.

I slowly climbed the stairs to my room and threw my quivering body on the bed with a huff. Wait, what was that loud humming sound? I scanned the room quickly and immediately found the noisy culprit. I had forgotten to turn the computer off. The thing was probably having the equivalent to a seizure by now.

Before I clicked it off, I read words on the screen that made my heart lurch into my throat.

**I am hoping to finish posting this fic by mid April. There are 28 chapters in total; think I can do it? Some moral support here, please, gals.**

**Reviews would be lovely. I didn't send out teasers last chap- because, well, I am giving you this- just one day later. 'Cause I love you gals to bits.**

**xx**


	15. Break Down

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly_

**Chapter 14 - Break down~**

_~Please come home, Bella….I need you~_

I fell into the chair and read the last email from Edward.

_Bella,_

_Why won't you answer me?_

_I don't understand what I did wrong? I know I shouldn't have ignored you after we made love, but I was so freaked. You just don't understand. I'm different than most guys. I… I was a virgin before I met you._

_There, I said it. I hope you are not laughing at me right now. You don't know how hard it was to have to write you that, but what can I do? You won't return my emails, and I don't know how else to get a hold of you._

_I don't know what's happening to me. Ever since I met you, I've had these feelings, these crazy thoughts. I want so much more with you than I have ever wanted with any other; which I know isn't saying much since I have only really dated one other girl._

_That girl… yeah, I was pretty messed up after her. I have hidden from the pain for so long, but now that I've met you, I finally feel like there is a good reason to try and deal with the pain and get past it._

_I start seeing a shrink on Monday; I hope that doesn't scare you off. There's just some shit that I have to deal with before I can stand before you and ask… no, __beg__ for a chance at a future with you._

_I know… I can see there are things… demons from your past that are troubling you, as well. I only hope that once I fix myself, maybe I can help fix you._

_Isabella, there is nothing more I want right now than to start the beginning of the rest of my life with you by my side, the two of us hand in hand, ready to take on the world as a united front._

_I can only pray you may feel the same as me, or even so much as give me the chance to allow you to grow some of these feelings._

_Please, Bella, don't hide from me anymore. I need to see your beautiful smile._

_Please, come home. I need you._

_Yours,_

_Edward._

_Oh shit!_ I had to find Edward. He was probably emotionally broken somewhere thinking that while he poured his heart out to me in an email, I was off fucking some random guy and getting myself knocked up. I slipped my flats on and ran out the bedroom door, desperate to find Edward and set things straight. It was time. Time to tell him how I really felt, that… _I was in love with him_.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I jumped in my truck and turned the key in the ignition, the engine reluctantly chugging to life. I switched into reverse, and then slammed it back in park.

Where the hell was I going to, anyway? I didn't even know where Edward was. _Think, Bella, think!_ I slammed my fist in frustration against the steering wheel, and the silly girl that I was jumped when the horn honked in protest.

There were very few things to do in this town, very few places in Forks for a teenager to go… oh shit! What if he left town altogether? I would never find him. After all the time we had spent together with each others' friends, and even though we had already done the 'nasty', I still knew very little about him. In fact, if I thought about it and was completely honest with myself, the only time I normally gave Edward any sort of attention aside from a casual 'hello' when we passed each other, was when I was completely blitzed and high on my alcohol-induced bravery.

Man, I had truly made a mess of things, hadn't I? I buried my head in my hands and let the tears flow freely. I cried for my lost teenage years - the years a girl is supposed to always remember, but not for the same reasons I would. I cried for my Mom and the horrible things she had endured at Phil's hand. I cried for my Dad and the pain he would inevitably feel once he heard the complete story and knew what had happened while I had been absent from his life. I cried for the love I finally felt for a man that I had spent months pushing away and treating like he had leprosy. I cried because the fear I was feeling deep within my soul at that very moment was unlike anything I had ever endured before, the fear of losing Edward because of my own self-destructive ways.

When I had finally finished my pity party for one, I slammed into reverse and floored it as fast as my beat-up, decrepit truck would go; my destination finally decided, a plan forming in the shadows of my mind. I smiled my first real smile in a very long time. This would work; it just had to!

As I headed for my destination, my plan became completely solidified in my mind. I had come to the conclusion that even if this revelation did nothing to bring Edward and me together; then at least it would be a damn-good step in the right direction to self discovery and healing, something I finally realized I desperately needed.

I let my mind wander to Alice for a moment and felt a tug at my conscience; she had been an amazing friend to me. Being my friend without so much as an explanation to my fucked up ways. I suspected she had her suspicions about me. Sometimes, I would catch her watching me with an odd expression on her face, but whenever I asked her about it, she just shook her head, smiled, and said in a nonchalant way that sooner or later everything would come out. I didn't realize what she meant then, but I think I was finally starting to see. Alice always knew something wasn't right. She was just being a good friend and giving me the space I needed to get my shit figured out; so I could come to her on my own without being cajoled into any sort of confession or explanations.

The Cullens' home loomed just ahead as I peeled into the long drive, my ancient truck roaring in protest to the speed I was inflicting on it. My heart began beating erratically as the reality of my situation sunk in. There was no more time for thinking about ways to fix this, to fix _me_. It was now time for actions. An old saying, my Mother used to say, sprung from the corners of my scrambled mind, "Actions speak louder than words." Oh, how those words came back to bite me in the ass, now.

My body trembled as I lowered my feet from the cab of my truck and landed on the soft ground. A few deep breaths, one hell of a pep talk, and I was ready to go.

I was about to knock on the door, when it swung open to reveal a smiling Carlisle.

"Well hello, Bella, I was just going to come over and visit you and have a talk. I am glad you are here." He motioned for me to come in as he opened the door wider.

"Dr. Cullen."

"Please, call me Carlisle," he chuckled." I got some of your test results from the hospital today, as well as your ultra sound. I'd really like a minute to speak with you."

"Umm… is this something that can wait? I really, really need to speak with Alice." I felt bad brushing him off like that, but really, what could be so important that it couldn't wait a few more hours?

"I see, alright. But please come to my office when you are done."

"Thanks," I called as I bolted up the stairs.

I wrung my fingers nervously while pacing outside Alice's' bedroom door as I contemplated exactly how I would go about approaching Alice; what she needed to know now, and what could wait until later. I brought my hand up to knock on her door just as it swung open.

Alice stood there, hands on her hips, frowning. "So, you're finally going to announce your arrival, are you?" she giggled, "Come in, Bella, what's up?"

She danced ahead of me as I let the door softly click shut.

I inhaled shakily and braced myself for her anger and her disappointment. "Listen, Alice, first off; I want to apologize for being so distant these last couple of days. I had a lot on my mind and needed some time to think it all through before I could talk about it." She opened her mouth to speak, but I held my hand up to stop her. I needed to get this all out while I still had the nerve. "Alice, I'm… I'm" Tears sprung to my eyes, and I choked on my words. Alice flew to my side and rubbed small comforting circles on my back. I lowered my head and whispered, "Alice, I'm so scared. I don't know what to do." She shushed me trying to calm me down,."I'm… pregnant," I blurted, which made her halt her movements and stare at me with a look of utter confusion.

"You're what?"

"I'm preg-nan-t," I stuttered under her intense stare.

For a minute, she just stood there, probably trying to process what I had just told her. I waited with bated breath, deep inside knowing what was coming, and cringing at the thought of losing her trust. Without any warning, her face turned from one of confusion to one of absolute glee. "Oh, Bella, this is so exciting. You're going to have a baby. I am going to be like an aunt. I can't wait. Oh, we are going to have to go shopping. There are so many things you are going to need." My head spun, "I was so worried about you, Bella. You have been acting strange since… well, always really… but more so lately. I am so glad you finally came to me and trusted me enough to tell me what was going on." She clapped excitedly, her whole body seemingly vibrating as she pulled me into a warm hug.

"Alice, please. Slow down." I smiled, her excitement was catchy and apparently just what I needed to help lift my spirits. "Yes, you're right. I will need to get a lot of things… which involves shopping," I began, "and I am so glad you are happy about this because I would be honored if you would consider being my baby's godmother." She started jumping up and down and doing some little dance. I couldn't help but laugh; she looked absolutely ridiculous, but also, so very Alice-like.

I watched her prance about, feeling like a small amount of the weight I had been carrying for the past twenty-four hours had somehow been lifted off of my shoulders.

"Wait!" Alice shrieked as she spun and glared at me. "Who's the father? And why didn't you tell me about him?" she spat.

"Hold up, Alice… just slow down. That is kind of why I am here. You see… you…umm… already know him… and I… umm… kind of need your help… uh… finding him," I muttered, feeling ashamed and little.

"Oh my gosh. Please don't tell me it is Mike or Tyler." She shuddered as she pretend-gagged herself with her fingers. Such a dramatic little pixie.

"No, Alice," I sighed, "_Neither_ of them is the baby's father. He's… umm, a bit closer to us than that."

Alice's eyebrows scrunched together, and she tapped her finger to her chin as she got lost in thought, likely contemplating just who could be close to us that I would sleep with.

I began to worry. What if Alice wasn't happy it was Edward's? What is she was downright pissed? I couldn't stand losing her; she was my best friend. I needed her; I loved her.

"Alice," I choked, "please, I need you to promise me something." Tears slid down my heated cheeks. "If I tell you who the father is, please… please don't hate me. Please, don't abandon me. I really need you, Alice." My shoulders sagged. I swiped at the offending tears as Alice's tiny arms encircled me. "Of course, I will be here for you," she whispered. "No matter what; I promise." She sounded so sure of herself. I felt a pang of envy. What I wouldn't give to feel that secure in myself and my life. I wondered if she knew just how lucky she was to have such a loving and caring family, and Jasper… to have someone like him love her so unconditionally. I hoped so.

I lifted my head from her shoulder and looked her right in the eye, "It's… it's _Edward's_." Her eyes widened, and she gasped.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**EPOV**

I grunted as I lowered my very sore body to the ground and stared up at the gloomy sky. My eyes felt like I had been scrubbing them with sandpaper and then poured crazy glue in them to moisten them up. My head could be compared to a container of gasoline left out in the scorching hot sun just waiting to explode from the pressure. It felt like I had spent the night swallowing little tiny shards of glass instead of the sweet, burning tequila I had actually consumed. Every time I swallowed, my throat burned like hot flames were licking their way down with every new sip of the sweet alcohol I held in my trembling hands. My legs felt like warm rubber, due to the fact that while in my very inebriated state, I felt the need to run around in circles and kick at anything that was stupid enough to get in my way. My foot was throbbing because one of those stupid objects turned out to be a rather large and hard stump.

I screamed nonsense into the empty sky, desperate to let out some of the anger and pain that was consuming my insides. I heard birds flutter away as my angry roar turned into a hoarse whimper, and tears burned at my brims.

"Why," I strangled out as I watched a family of squirrels scurry by. They, too, were likely scared shitless and anxious to get away from the lunatic invading their home.

I rolled to my side, and the bottle fell from my hands, and I let the tears overcome me.

Bella, oh, my Bella. Before I even had a chance to tell her how I felt, she had moved on with another; and not just merely started dating someone else, because that I could at least stand a chance against. NO! She had gone and gotten herself pregnant with another man's baby. That, I could not compete with. There was no hope in hell left for me.

I clenched my eyes shut and thought about how it felt with Bella beneath me, squirming and moaning my name.

And I cried.

I thought about how it felt to hold her close to me while she slept; the feeling of her soft, warm skin against mine. I pictured her chest rising and falling, the sweet mumbling she did while sleeping.

And I trembled.

I remembered the little arguments we always had and that little smirk she'd give me whenever she thought she had the upper hand.

And I sobbed.

I thought back to the day I had saved her from the little "prank" Lauren and Jessica had pulled on her and the way she clung to me, needing me.

And I whimpered.

I vividly relived the night we made love, the night I lost the only thing pure I had left of myself, the only thing I had to give her that meant enough to show her how I truly felt about her.

And I shut down.

**Thoughts? Share. I wanna hear them, really, I do. I know I have been fail at replying to most reviews latley. I'm sorry. I'm just trying so darn hard to get these chapters out to you and my other stories updated. Can you ever forgive me?**

**Review and smack some sense into Angstward. That boy seriously needs it right about now. Snort***


	16. Don't go away mad, just go away!

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly_

**A/N- As always, the excitement and frustration with this fic astounds me and makes me squeal, just a little.**

**I wanted to clarify something; I had a couple of you mention that Bella was not far enough along in her pregnancy for an ultra sound to date it. This is not true. I have 4 kids myself, and have almost always had to have an ultra sound to date it. I'm not so good at keeping track of my menstrual cycle. :-S**

**Also, here is just a medical tidbit, so you don't have to just take my word for it.**

_**. Diagnosis and confirmation of early pregnancy.**_

_The gestational sac can be visualized as early as four and a half weeks of gestation and the yolk sac at about five weeks. The embryo can be observed and measured by about five and a half weeks. Ultrasound can also very importantly confirm the site of the pregnancy is within the cavity of the uterus. _

_**Determination of gestational age and assessment of fetal size.**_

_Fetal body measurements reflect the gestational age of the fetus. This is particularly true in early gestation. In patients with uncertain last menstrual periods, such measurements must be made as early as possible in pregnancy to arrive at a correct __**dating**__ for the patient. See __**FAQ**__. In the latter part of pregnancy measuring body parameters will allow assessment of the size and growth of the fetus and will greatly assist in the diagnosis and management of intrauterine growth retardation (IUGR)._

_Now that we've had our schooling for the day...snort* On with the chapter._

_xx_

**Chapter 15 - Don't go away mad, just go away! ~**

**BPOV**

I watched Alice closely as a complete array of emotions crossed her tiny features. Confusion, relief, anxiety, anger, elation and anger... Shit! There it was again, _anger_.

"Bella, have you lost your mind? That shit isn't funny, you know," she spat as she crossed her arms and gave me the evil eye.

I stood before my best friend, who was now an angry and very evil looking pixie, completely dumbfounded. Why the fuck would she think that I was being funny?

"Umm… no, I don't suppose it is. But nonetheless, I need your help finding him."

"Why on earth do you need to find him?" she questioned me angrily, while using her fingers to make air quotes.

"Well, I need to talk to him, explain about the baby. I need him to know it's his and not some random guy's. He ran out of the hospital so fast, and I was so confused and frightened, that I didn't get a chance… I am sure he thinks… oh my God, Alice, I can only imagine what he thinks," I wailed as I fell to the floor, sobbing like a child.

I felt Alice join me on the floor.

"It really is Edward's, isn't it." She wasn't asking; it was more like it was just finally registering to her that what I was saying was true. I felt her tiny arms go around my neck, and I lowered my head onto her shoulder and wept.

"It's okay, Bella, don't worry. We'll figure this all out, and I can help you find Edward. I promise everything will work out, eventually," she cooed, trying to reassure me, but really, it did little to help. How on earth could she know whether Edward was going to shit bricks or not? When he found out that at the young age of eighteen he was going to have a baby, and with a completely fucked up bitch like me to top it off, he was going to lose his shit. I was sure of it.

Minutes later, as my tears ceased, Alice lifted my chin. "I know where he is. Let me take you there, okay?" I nodded.

"But don't you dare forget, once we have him back here, you have a lot of explaining to do, missy," she scolded. I could tell she was playing with me, or at least I hoped she was. I gulped. An angry Alice was not something I was looking forward to; and I was sure that once I told her everything I had kept from her, she would indeed be angry with me.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Alice pulled over at the side of the road near the huge forest that lined the town of Forks. I looked at her in confusion, "Edward's here, in the forest?"

"No, not in the forest, but through the forest. It is probably best if you go alone, though. He might not want me there when you tell him," she admitted with a scowl, obviously wishing she could snap her fingers and become a fly on the wall. Such an impatient and nosey pixie.

"Listen, Alice, I promise as soon as I get back, I will tell you everything; and when I say everything, I mean _everything_," I said sincerely.

She looked off into the forest, "Okay. Now listen carefully, alright? I don't need you getting lost, now."

She gave me some crazy-ass directions to get to some sort of meadow in the middle of the forest. I tried my best to keep up and silently prayed that I wouldn't get lost and end up as some furry creature's meal for the day.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I glanced nervously at my watch. I had been walking around in the forest now for over twenty minutes and still no sign of this so called 'meadow'. I huffed in frustration and scanned the area again.

Ten more minutes, I decided. I would walk around for ten more minutes, and if there was still no sign of it, I would head back and hope I found my way out of here.

Not five minutes later, I could make out a clearing ahead; the sun was shining brightly there, and I practically skipped towards the welcoming sunshine. I had to be extra careful not to trip on anything, though. It would seem there were many more obstructions to look out for in a forest.

I was almost to the clearing when I noticed a motionless form sprawled out in the middle of it. My heart stopped for a second when I realized it was Edward and that he wasn't moving. I sprinted forward, some crazy intense urge pulling me faster than I would have thought I was capable of, running without falling on my face and was at his pale form in seconds.

I quickly took in the scene before me; empty bottles were strewn about along with cigarette packs. Oh, how I yearned for a smoke. _No, Bella! Right now you need to help Edward, and you're pregnant, remember… NO more smoking!_

With trembling fingers, I reached out and put them on Edward's chest, shaking him lightly.

"Edward, oh God, Edward, please, tell me you're alright." Fresh tears trickled down my cheeks and fear came barging through every cell in my body. My whole body trembled as I lowered myself onto the soft grass and curled up into Edward's side, resting my head on his chest, and constantly murmuring, "Please, wake up. I need you, too."

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**EPOV**

I was walking along a beach; it looked so familiar. How did I get here? I squinted into the bright sunlight and tried to focus on my surroundings, everything was so blurry, and a thick fog had taken up along the shore.

_"E.d.w.a.r.d….."_

I spun in circles trying to locate the whispering voice. It, too, sounded familiar but also frightened me to the core. I trembled and wound my arms around my torso tightly.

_"Edward…."_

I was becoming frustrated. Where was the voice coming from? And why was it so familiar? And why did it send a shiver up my spine every time I heard it?

_"Edward… you have got to listen to me."_ It sounded like the wind whispering to me as it rushed past my ears.

"I'm listening. Please, where are you?" I called out to the empty beach.

_"You have to wake up, Edward."_ The whispering voice was becoming more urgent now.

Get up? What was it talking about? I am up!

_"Get up, NOW. Edward."_ The voice sounded irritated now.

"I don't understand," I whimpered, starting to feel disoriented. The sky was spinning, and my head felt light. I dropped to my knees and clutched at my head trying to will the spinning away.

I felt something soft and featherlike touch my cheek, and jerked my eyes up only to be met with Alicia's piercing gaze. She smiled at me. _"You have to get up, Edward. It's not your time."_

I gaped at her, and like a bumbling idiot, I sputtered nonsense, "It hurts…. don't know…. Why did she do it?... don't want to hurt anymore….. please, make it stop….. Bella!"

As visions of Bella obscured my sight, I shot straight up, knocking something off my chest in the process. I scanned the area looking for Alicia, but I was no longer on the beach. I was back in my meadow, and a rush of memories flooded my throbbing brain in one quick motion.

Making love to Bella.

Bella leaving.

Bella coming back.

I love Bella.

Bella's pregnant.

With another man's baby.

Pain sliced through my chest, and I gasped.

"Edward…. Edward can you hear me? Oh God, Edward, I was so worried. I was so scared I had lost you." Bella was sitting at my side, looking absolutely gorgeous but, also, very scared. Her brown eyes were wide and red rimmed, fear lacing them, and her bottom lip quivered.

I sat there watching her for a while, just taking in her very presence, before I responded.

Her tentative smile, her long flowing chestnut hair, her sparkling brown eyes, her small pale hands wrapped tightly around her small frail body, her erratic breaths, and her shivering body. Wait!

"I'm fine, umm… you must be cold," My voice sounded hollow to me, empty and void of any emotion as I tugged off my sweater and draped it around her tiny shoulders.

"What are you doing here?" I croaked.

"I came to find you," she whispered while staring at the ground. _Huh!_ That was not what I was expecting.

"Why?" For the life of me I couldn't fathom why she would be looking for me.

"We need to talk," was her simple reply. I nodded. She was right. I needed to apologize for running out on her at the hospital.

"Listen, Bella, I know I shouldn't have run out on you at the hospital, but you have to understand something," I sputtered, trying desperately to find the right words to explain how broken I felt inside without making her feel bad about it.

"When you left… no, before you left I realized something, something I wasn't sure how to handle or deal with." I took a deep breath trying to calm my frazzled nerves.

"I'm in love with you, Bella," I whispered while looking into her wide eyes. Her mouth dropped open, and she snapped it closed, her lips twitching at the sides as a storm of emotions flickered in her gorgeous brown eyes.

When she didn't say anything, I began to get nervous and starting pulling at my hair. "Listen, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I…"

"Don't," Bella whispered. I looked up at her to see tears streaming down her trembling chin. "I love you, too."

I leaned over and crashed my lips to hers. I knew what I was doing was wrong; she was pregnant with another man's baby for God's sake. Nothing could come of this but more pain, but for the moment, I was being greedy; I needed to feel Bella's sweet lips against mine one last time before I let her go.

Seconds later, I pulled away and let a single tear slip down my face, taking every bit of hope of a future with Bella with it. I watched as it splashed on my pants, shattering all of my hopes and dreams in that one tiny moment.

I shakily rose from the ground, noticing the pain and discomfort in my legs and lower back, and stretched my tight muscles. I must have been out for quite a while.

I held my hand out to Bella to help her up, but she wasn't paying attention; she was rubbing her slightly swollen belly. Jealousy surged through me. Hot flashes of anger took over, and the ass in me was back and in full out jackass mode.

"You want help up, or what?" I spat at her. Her eyes widened. She shook her head and slowly crawled off the ground by herself.

"Why are you so angry, now?" she questioned softly.

A hysterical kind of laugh slipped past my lips. I pinched the bridge of my nose and tried to calm down.

"Why am I angry, you ask?" I shook my head. "Why the fuck wouldn't I be?"

I paced back and forth as Bella stood looking tiny and scared. I noticed her pull something from her pocket and try to hand it to me. I pretended not to notice.

She pulled her hand back and fingered the piece of paper lovingly.

"I… I thought you might be happy. I thought maybe… I don't know what I thought. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry; I'll just go."

For some reason this angered me beyond all reason. My whole body shook violently as a thunderous roar clawed its way up my throat.

"Happy!" I bellowed, making her jump and turn wide-eyed to look at me.

"How the hell would this," I motioned at her belly, "make me happy?"

She let out a tiny whimper as her head hung low.

"That's right, feel bad now. Yeah, that will help the situation. What the fuck, Bella…"

She looked up at me with pain-filled eyes; her bottom lip trembled, and she looked so fucking lost. I almost came undone right then. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her and tell her everything was going to be okay. But how could I do that? She didn't want me. She may have told me she loved me, but how could that be when she was fucking someone else?

"I'm so sorry," she whispered as she turned and began walking away from me.

My heart beat sped up and my fingers twitched as I watched her tiny form stumble away. This is what I wanted, wasn't it? For her to go and leave me to my own misery? Then why did it feel so wrong?

"Wait," I ran towards her. "What did you want to give me?" I hissed, my words coming out more rudely than I intended.

"Oh," she looked at her hand, as a tear slipped off her chin, and silently handed me a plain white envelope before turning around and dashing back into the forest.

I stood there dumbstruck as I gingerly fingered the white envelope. Wanting nothing more than to tear it open and read whatever was inside, but scared as shit to find out what it held, as well.

My curiosity won out, and I tore the envelope open, tearing the small piece of paper it held in my haste.

I flipped it open and gaped at the tiny little ultrasound picture.

My stomach clenched and began retching. I dipped my head sideways and threw up painfully onto the ground. My heart tore that very moment as I realized what the hell I had just done, and I howled freely in pain. Why?

Why would she give me something like this? To rub it in? To confirm what I already knew?

With watery eyes, I gazed at the little tiny bean in the black and white picture, and found myself wishing it was mine instead of another man's. I let my crazed mind envision Bella with a swollen belly, holding my hand as we walked down the street, looking in shop windows for baby things. I saw myself lying in bed with her, my head on her belly, telling funny stories to my unborn child. My visions shifted to us walking hand in hand down the beach with a little girl perched on my shoulders giggling.

Through my blurred vision, a piece of the ultrasound jumped up at me and slapped me like a cold, hard hand.

_Isabella Swan – seven weeks._

My mind began frantically doing the math; my breathing hitched as it all came together, just over seven weeks ago, that was when Bella and I had made love. Bella came here to tell me.

"Oh shit!" I whispered as my legs pushed my shaking limbs into the forest, hoping I wasn't too late to catch up to Bella.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Only three falls and one oozing gash to the forehead later, I sprung from the edge of the forest.

My breathing was labored, and my lungs burned in protest to the physical exertion I had just subjected them to. My forehead throbbed from my current hangover, not to mention the wide gash across my forehead.

Ahead, I could hear Bella's anguished cries, and my heart plummeted into my stomach as I realized I was the one who had caused her such pain. I sprinted forward, desperate to be at her side and to make her understand… to beg her to forgive me, when I noticed Alice glaring at me while holding Bella's small frame to her chest.

Alice looked pissed… No, she was beyond pissed. She looked livid, and that was almost enough to stop me dead in my tracks, but the broken noises coming from Bella urged me forward. As I approached the two, I motioned for Alice to let me take over. She hissed at me but let her go and stormed towards her car.

Bella collapsed against my chest, and I immediately began rubbing circles on her back, kissing the crown of her head and apologizing over and over.

I lifted her chin so I could look into her eyes. They were swollen and red, and her face blotchy and tear stained. I wiped a stray tear away and kissed her forehead.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I didn't know. I'm such an ass."

"Sorry? Why are you sorry, Edward?" she choked out while wiping her runny nose with the back of my sweater's sleeve that she was currently wearing.

"I thought it was someone else's. I didn't realize. Why didn't you tell me? I was so hurt. I love you, Bella. I thought I'd lost you, and you were carrying some other man's child. I was so hurt, please, understand," I choked on each word as they fell from my lips knowing no amount of explanation would account for my behavior.

Bella tensed as I rambled. I could hear her breathing pick up. She let go of my sides, and I watched in confusion as she balled her tiny hands into tight fists and backed away from me.

"I know you're mad at me, it was wrong how I handled this…"

"Mad… mad… that doesn't even begin to justify what I am feeling right now," she seethed, anger flashing in her dark eyes.

"Betrayed, humiliated, hurt, lost… and did I say humiliated?" She was screaming now, her balled up hands shaking at her side.

"You thought I was pregnant with _another_ man's baby? What do you take me for? Some kind of a whore?" She took a step towards me, shaking her tiny fists in the air.

This tiny angry Bella scared the shit out of me, and I didn't know what to expect, so I took an unsteady step back, almost falling into the gutter on the side of the road.

"Obviously, you don't know me at all; but no, Edward, the baby is not some random asshole's. No, the baby is _this asshole's_…" she hissed in a high pitched, shrieking, hysterical voice while jabbing me in the chest with her finger.

"You know what, Edward? FUCK YOU." And with that, she stormed back to Alice's car and slammed the door as she got in.

I stood in shock for a moment before stumbling forward.

"Wait, please," I cried out in anguish. The thought of her leaving me was tearing me up inside.

"Just go away, Edward," she yelled angrily.

"We can't finish this talk like this… mad at each other..." I choked, desperate for her to give me one last chance to explain myself.

"Then don't go away mad, Edward, _just_ go away," she replied, no longer in an angry tone, she now sounded hollow, lifeless and broken.

I once again slumped to the ground on my knees, sobs wracking through my body as I watched the love of my life drive off without me, taking my heart, my soul, and my child with her.

**Dun dun dun- what an ass, right! Men, they seriously bewilder me at times.**

**So, yeah- 3 chapters in 3 days. I deserve a standing ovation or some shit, right?**

**Reviews would be lovely and always appreciated.**

**Next update….not half as fast as these past few. Ima thinking next week, sometime…lol**

**I could be persuaded to send teasers in review replies, though. JS!**


	17. Convalesce

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**Warning~~~~~~~ Explicit scenes in this chapter, rape, torture, brutality~~~~~**

**Convalesce~**

**Two weeks later**

**BPOV**

"Bella, you're going to have to tell your parents sooner or later. Why drag this thing out?" Alice huffed as she tried to work her magic by coming up with some outfits for me to wear that were still to her standards, but also able to hide my now small but somewhat noticeable baby bump.

Charlie and I had still yet to the have _the_ conversation. In fact, we had barely seen each other at all. I wasn't sure if he was avoiding me, avoiding the subject, or just avoiding reality. But honestly whichever it was, I was grateful. I wasn't ready for it yet. Hell, I probably never would be. But once we had it, there was no guessing how he would react; and telling him about the baby on top of that all surely wouldn't go over well.

I sighed. "I know. Alice, but really, my birthday is only a month away; and then I'll be eighteen and they won't be able to do anything about it. I am so worried they will make me give it up or some shit. Please, just try to understand?" I pleaded with her.

Alice looked at me sympathetically. "Alright, Bella, I'll wait this out with you, but only until your birthday. Got it?" I nodded.

"So… are you and Edward talking yet?" she asked nonchalantly.

"If you are asking me if I have responded to Edward's many calls, emails, and drop bys, then no, we are _not_ talking yet," I huffed back irritably. That damn pixie never knew when to just give it up, did she?

Just then the door bell rang. Alice jumped up and chirped, "I'll get it."

Minutes later she came back with a large bubble envelope in her hand.

"Who was it?" I asked.

"Delivery man. This is for you," she replied, tossing the thick envelope at me. I ducked, and it landed on the bed.

"So tell me, Bella, what are in these 'so called emails' and letters and phone calls from our dear Edward?" She hummed in curiosity.

I shrugged. "I don't really know."

"What do you mean, you don't know? Don't play with me, Bella..." Alice hissed from across the room as she loaded up my ancient computer.

"You really have to get a new computer, Bella, this one sucks," she mumbled in frustration as the monitor grumbled to life, "and don't think I forgot what I just asked. I am still waiting for an answer," she finished off smiling brightly at me.

"I haven't read them," I mumbled quietly.

"What was that? I don't think I heard you right."

"I _said,_ I didn't read them, okay? I couldn't bring myself to open the damn things, alright? Now, can we please drop this?" I grunted, already feeling the gaping hole in my chest widen, trying to tug me in, drown me in pain that I refused to deal with.

The front door slammed loudly from the main floor.

"That must be my Dad. Shoot, I wasn't expecting him home so early. I haven't even started dinner yet." I cursed softly as I rushed out of the room and sprang down the stairs. I stopped short when I saw not my Dad, but my Mom standing at the bottom of the stairs, fidgeting nervously and smiling at me.

"Mom?" I choked out. "What are you doing here?"

"Didn't your Dad tell you I was coming?" she asked in a distressed, anxious voice. "I called this morning and told him of my flight arrangements. I guess he didn't get a chance."

"I guess not," I mumbled. "Well, you're here now… so, want to help me with dinner?"

She chuckled, "You do remember I can't cook, right?" I laughed. "Yeah, I do remember that. Come on, you can chop vegetables without destroying them, right?" I chortled lightly.

We buzzed around the kitchen in comfortable silence. I could tell my Mom had something on her mind, but I didn't push. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what it was anyway.

"Hey, Bella, my Dad said it's fine that I stay for dinner…" Alice stopped at the doorway and gaped. "Umm… hello, I'm Alice," she said softly while holding her hand out for my mom to shake, "and who might you be?" Alice questioned. My Mom blinked rapidly before composing herself.

"Renee, Bella's mother," she responded dully.

"Oh, I should have known. The two of you look so much alike," Alice prattled, obviously a little embarrassed for not knowing.

"Want to come help us finish dinner? My dad will be home soon," I interrupted.

Alice nodded and smiled brightly as she skipped into the kitchen and stopped at my side.

"Just tell me what to do, boss," she giggled, saluting me. I rolled my eyes at her.

"Grab the stuff out of the fridge for the salad, and you can start on that, okay?"

She nodded and went about her prancing way to retrieve the salad ingredients.

Just then the door bell rang yet again. "Holy, what's with all the company today?" I grumbled, feeling a little moody and out of sorts.

I huffed as I stomped toward the door and flung it open with a scowl on my face. I immediately felt bad when I saw the scared eyes of the delivery man at the door. Stammering and handing me a large brown envelope, "Isa… Isabella Swan?"

"Yes, thank you." I took the envelope and went to close the door, "Wait, please I need your signature here."

"Oh, yes. Oops!" I scrawled my chicken scratch of a signature and slammed the door, baffling over my sudden foul mood.

"Who was that, Bella?" my mom asked as I walked back into the kitchen, fingering the thin brown envelope.

"Delivery guy," I mumbled.

"Again?" Alice's eye brow cocked up. "UPS was just here like an hour ago."

"No, this wasn't USPS, some private delivery service, I think," I responded vaguely, still mulling over what could be in the envelope as I turned it over and over in my hands.

"Well, stop eyeing it up like it's going to bite you and just open it up already," Alice chuckled.

I shot her a death look. That stopped her mid chuckle.

I sat at the table and opened the envelope, praying the whole time not to give myself a paper cut. I had had way too many of those babies, and they freaking hurt.

I pulled a thin white sheet out and gasped as my fingers began trembling and my vision blurred with traitorous tears.

_Come on, Bella, you promised yourself. Not another tear shed because of that man_. I internally scolded myself.

Alice was at my side in seconds. "Bella, honey, what is it? Are you okay?"

She pulled the sheet from my grasp and growled as she read what was on the sheet.

"Oh, dear, Bella, I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be, it has to be done. At least now I have a date to look forward to," I scoffed wryly.

"What? What date? What are you girls being so cryptic about?" my mother questioned, her confusion evident in her blank expression.

Out of nowhere, a blinding rage surged through me. I stood and balled my fists as I turned to face her. "You! This is all because of you. You'd think you'd have some clue as to what it is," I spat as I blindly fled to the safety of my bedroom, the envelope fluttering to the floor behind me.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I flopped onto my bed and let my frustrated, fear-filled tears fall freely.

Moments later, I heard soft knocking at my door.

"Go away, Alice," I grumbled into my pillow.

"Honey, it's not Alice. It's me. Can I please come in and talk to you?"

I groaned. Shit! I should probably talk to her and get it done and over with. It really wasn't her fault, and I felt bad for yelling at her downstairs.

I pulled myself up and mumbled, "Come in."

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry you have to go through this and relive everything all over again, Baby, but you know this is for the best, right?" she started as she lowered herself onto the bed beside me.

A fresh wave of tears flooded my eyes as I looked at my mother; I mean really looked at her. I stared silently, taking in every little bit of her; her flat dull hair; her lifeless, sad eyes; her scar covered arms; her frail and scared posture. In that moment, I truly understood the pain and desperation she had gone through at the hands of Phil. I wasn't about to believe I somehow deserved her betrayal, but still, I understood it. She had been through hell and back; and now that she had found her way out of the deep dark hole Phil had dug her into, she was trying desperately to make things right. And right in that moment, I saw my mother, the woman who used to sing me to sleep, read me bedtime stories, bake with me, play hide and seek with me, brush my hair, kiss my boo boos when I fell down and whispered 'I love you' when she thought I had fallen asleep.

I felt my resolve and anger crumble and flung my trembling body into her arms. She hesitated momentarily, probably shocked by my reaction; but within seconds, I felt her warm comforting arms slip around my shoulders as her chest heaved and loud anguished sobs poured from her.

We sat there holding each other in complete silence for what felt like forever; the tears ceased but still we held on tightly until Alice knocked at the door asking if everything was alright. I pulled away from her and smiled a tiny helpless kind of smile. "Yes, Alice, sorry. Come in."

I motioned for her to join us on the bed. "I think it's time to tell you what happened before I moved here," I whispered, playing with a loose thread on my blanket.

My mom moved to get up. "Please, stay. I want you to hear this all now, not in some court room, or on the television," I explained quietly.

She just nodded, as a tear slipped down her chin, and resumed her position on the bed beside me.

I began fidgeting nervously and inhaled a huge breath before I let it all spill out. "When my mom first started dating Phil, he wasn't so bad, but as the years progressed, so did his drinking; and with the drinking came the anger. Eventually, the anger turned into something more… something evil… cruel and violent."

I re-lived the first night he had hit me, the moment I truly believed my mother no longer loved me, and a deep loud sob escaped my mom. A part of me wanted to comfort her, tell her I knew now that I was wrong, that she always did love me; but now was not the time for that. I had to get this out before I lost my bout of courage and get it done and over with.

I fumbled with my thoughts and memories, trying to find the best way to put them into words before I continued.

I decided blatant truth was the best way to go. Maybe this way there would be fewer questions from the two of them when I finished.

"Phil seemed to get better after that, but then one day I came home from school early 'cause I had gotten sick. I took a shower, and when I came out, Phil barged into my room, swaggering around completely drunk. He threw me on the bed and ripped my towel off me. I begged him to stop, but he seemed to like it even more when I begged. So, eventually I just kind of escaped into my own mind and tried to block out what was happening to me..."

I heard a small gasp come from Alice and looked over at her as she covered her mouth and her eyes filled with tears.

"The first time he took me from behind in my… you know…" I stuttered, motioning to my ass, "it started out with just his fingers, which hurt like hell, but that was nothing compared to when he put his…" I choked on my words and had to take a moment to compose myself. My mother was full out sobbing now, and Alice looked like she was going to be sick.

"When he put his dick in me there," I finished as a small sob escaped me.

My mother moved to wrap her arms around me, but I pushed her aside gently and explained that I had to get this out now.

"Hours later… when he was done having his way with my body, he kicked me in the side and left me there, bloody and broken…"

I told them how it took place a few more times; and how Phil usually called the school to get me out early with some lame-ass excuse of an appointment of some sort. Then, I began telling them of the last time Phil ever laid a hand on me.

I told them how Phil had called the school and told them I had an appointment.

How on the drive home he kept touching me and making me touch him. I told them how repulsed I was by this, but how beaten and empty I felt, and that I had actually got to the point of not caring what he did to me or what he forced me to do. Apparently, what I was giving him wasn't good enough though, 'cause at one point he back handed me across the face, cursing at me that I couldn't even give a decent hand job, causing blood to splash from my nose. He then yelled at me to clean that shit up before we got home.

Once we arrived at the house, he yanked me through the front door and slammed me up against it. He tore my clothes from my trembling body and threw me on the floor. Within seconds, he was slamming into my bruised and broken crotch. I told them how I whimpered in pain and pleaded with him to stop, but my tears and cries only seemed to make him get rougher. So eventually, I stopped and just tried to drift away from my mind, blocking out the pain and humiliation.

Alice was all out bawling now, and I watched numbly as my mother wrapped an arm around her, trying to comfort her, but still I continued, feeling horrible for burdening my mother and my best friend with my grotesque past, but also somehow lighter with each grisly word that passed my lips.

Tears were threatening once again to spill over from my flooding eyes. My breath hitched painfully as the memories, the wounds, ripped open, tearing my heart up all over again and blasting me with a powerful wave of repulsion and humiliation. I swallowed hard and in a rush explained how it all ended and how I had come to be where I was today.

"Something in me snapped the moment Phil snaked his arm around my back side and thrust his fingers into my already sore rear end. I frantically searched for anything nearby and saw his baseball bag just inches away. I ever so carefully reached over and grabbed the bat beside the door just as Phil went to flip me over, making my stretch that much easier. I sprang to my unsteady feet and swayed a bit, as Phil, snarling and roaring at me, jumped to his. I didn't even think twice as I swung the bat with the last bit of strength I could muster up."

I told them how everything just seemed to stop moving and a dark crimson red pulsed throughout the entire room, as each and every horrible disgusting thing he had ever done to me played out in my throbbing head; and I hit him over and over and over again, until exhaustion won over and I collapsed in a heap on the floor beside him.

I left out all the stuff about my mom shipping me off to live with my Dad, seeing how that was just a given.

As the last word fell from my mouth, a violent screeching sob flew from my lips as the tears I had been fighting took over and poured from my stinging eyes. I felt arms wrap around me and soothing hands rub my back. I heard soft murmurs and cooed words of comfort, but nothing registered in that moment. Because, after everything I had kept bottled up for so long spilled from my mouth, from my mind, from my broken heart and soul, it also freed the tortured little girl I had carefully hidden in the back of my very broken and frazzled mind.

**Thoughts? Feelings?**


	18. Death on Two Legs

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**Chapter 17 - Death On Two Legs**

**WARNING*************Very disturbing scenes near the end of this chapter****************

**APOV**

After what felt like hours later, the three of us crawled off the bed and attempted to compose ourselves before the Chief came home.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom just as an overwhelming flood of tears poured from my eyes. I gasped for breath as I leaned against the door and fought back the nausea that was now threatening to rise up my throat.

I had tried my best to be strong for Bella as she laid her past out for me and her mother, with it, laying her heart and trust on the line, as well.

As she sat there looking so calm re-living the horrific, macabre events that had taken place in her not so long ago past, I couldn't help the sense of fear and dread that washed over me.

Bella sitting there so calmly was completely erroneous. I feared my new friend was withdrawing further and further into a deep dark void, and if she didn't come to terms with her past, and soon, the amazing girl within her would be forever buried.

I sat there lost in shock and disgust, with hatred and anger coursing through my veins, planning out how I could make this vile man pay for the abominable affliction he had put Bella through. I couldn't constrain my jaw muscles as my mouth had hung agape and a small audible gasp slipped past my lips as I watched Bella's shaking form crumble onto the bed, loud heart-wrenching sobs and child-like noises pouring out from her tiny, frail body.

It broke me to see her in such a state, so vulnerable and scared and broken; but a stronger part of me knew this was good, good for her to begin her healing and start moving forward and stop living in the past, living in fear. I couldn't help but hope this meant that she was finally ready to deal with her past, and maybe, just maybe, this could be a huge step forward for her and Edward moving closer and building a strong foundation to raise their child in.

Involuntarily, unwanted visions of Bella sprawled out on a cold floor, broken and defeated covered in blood, seeped into my mind. My whole body convulsed as I sprang for the toilette just as my chest heaved painfully and my stomach emptied into the cold bowl.

Once I was able to keep my emotions in check, I splashed some water on my puffy face and struggled futilely to make myself look presentable. Then, I took a deep breath and returned to Bella's room.

I stood outside the door wondering if I should go in or not. I could faintly hear Bella and Renee's hushed voices through the door, and they seemed to be deep in conversation.

I caught bits and pieces of it, though.

"_It's not until November, we've got plenty of time to prepare."_

_Bella mumbling something about being scared._

"_Don't be scared, honey. He can't hurt you anymore, and he deserves everything he has coming to him."_

_Again, Bella mumbling._

"_After November tenth we can begin to move on and put this in the past. I truly feel this will be good closure for you. For us."_

"_You're right, Mom. I can do this. I am a strong woman, and I need to start defending myself and my honor. What better place to start, than by putting the monster who destroyed me in the first place behind bars." A small tear trickled down my cheek. Hearing Bella sound so sure of herself and so strong. In that moment, I was so very proud of her._

**Renee's POV**

"Bella." My words caught in my throat, and I had to cough a few times to will away the emotion that had clogged it before I could finish what I was saying, "I am so proud of you, Baby. You have grown up to be one amazing woman." I sobbed gently as the truth of that statement made my head whirl with pain and guilt.

Bella, my dear, sweet little girl, was no longer a girl. At barely eighteen, she had grown up so fast, too fast, in fact. Long before her time, she had had to mature and face the cruelties of this world, ALONE. The pain, the isolation, the abandonment, and fear, no person should ever have to experience that kind of desolation in a lifetime, never mind in a mere eighteen years.

My chest constricted painfully as emotions I had buried away so long ago curdled to the surface, like bile rising in my throat. I started coughing and sputtering for air, my chest constricted again and again, each time more painfully than the last. My breaths were now coming in short spurts. I worried that if I couldn't calm myself, I might just pass out from lack of oxygen. Black and white speckles spotted my vision as the ground below me started to slowly spin. I clutched my chest and took a few deep, slow, deliberate breaths trying to ease the pain and confusion.

I could faintly hear Bella and her friend Alice calling to me. I looked up. They were right in front of me. So, why did they sound so far away? Minutes, maybe hours, passed and the pain finally subsided. My eyes fluttered closed as a fresh bout of tears sprang forth; this time, for once, it was tears of relief instead of tears of sorrow.

"Mom…Mom…answer me for goodness' sake." Bella's tense voice echoed above me. I cracked my eyes open, worried that I would find a spinning Bella just as the floor had been doing minutes before; but no, it was just plain, still Bella hovering over me.

I let out a huge sigh of relief and slowly pulled myself off the floor.

"Mom, what the hell was that? Are you okay?" Bella bellowed in a very parent-like tone.

"Nothing, sweetie. Sorry, I guess I had a hard time dealing with the emotions after everything you told me tonight. I am so sorry if I worried you. I think I'm fine now. Why don't we go downstairs and finish up dinner? Your father should be home soon." I smiled warmly trying to ease her worries. I didn't want Bella worrying about me; I could deal with myself. I always had, and she had enough on her very full plate right now without adding my silly mental problems to her slowly mounting list. Especially now that she had received the court papers and knew just how rapidly the date was approaching.

**BPOV**

The three of us were quietly moving around the kitchen trying to get dinner ready before Charlie got home. Alice finished off the salad, but not in her usual spunky way. I watched her silently as she moved in what seemed to be such a robotic manner. She put the salad together with ease, but almost seemed as if she was on autopilot, going about the motions, but no one was really there. She looked empty.

Her eyes flickered up to meet mine, and she quickly cracked a smile at me, not a real smile. No, she wasn't fooling me, at all. It was too tight, too forced, and too un-Alice-like.

I felt atrocious for inflicting that kind of mental anguish on her. She didn't deserve to have to live along side me and my world full of pain. And selfishly I had dragged her under the burning water that, I, myself had spent years just bobbing near the surface, waiting for a swell to knock me under and swallow me up.

My breath hitched, and I quickly lowered my guilt-filled eyes and stared unseeingly at the pot of spaghetti as I stirred it vigorously.

When Charlie arrived, he quickly apologized for not forewarning me about my mother's impromptu arrival. I waved his apology off and told him not to worry, to which he quirked an eye brow at me, but left it at that.

We all sat in silence and ate our meal. Every so often, Charlie would glance around the table, looking at us each individually with a confused and suspicious look. He'd open his mouth, snap it shut, and shake his head, then continue on eating.

Alice tried to break the silence once by asking Charlie about his day. He mumbled something about it being long and quiet, just the way he liked it, and that was the end of that conversation.

When we finished eating, Alice offered to help me do the dishes while Renee went to unpack and take a shower. Charlie ducked into the living room to watch the news and drink a beer, what I had come to know as his nightly ritual of sorts.

"Alice, are you okay?" I whispered.

"Yeah, Bella, I'm fine. That was just a lot…well, a lot to process, is all." She paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "Bella, I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. I wish we had been friends back then so you had someone, anyone, you could have turned to. I can't change that, but I hope you know I am always here for you, no matter how hopeless the battle seems, no matter how hard this struggle or how brutal the attack. I will always be on your side." She grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me to face her. Tears were glistening in her sad eyes as she continued her heart filled declaration, "Always, Bella. Don't ever forget that, and don't ever think you have to face anything alone, again. Okay!" I nodded and strained a small smile through my own tears. I pulled her into a hug and held on tight, relishing in the comfort and love that radiated from her tiny little body.

"Thank you, Alice." I don't think she would ever understand the impact the words she had just spoken had on me, but in that moment, for the first time in a very long time, I felt loved, cared for, and just simply human.

When we finished the dishes, Alice headed home to spend some time with Jasper, who was apparently at her house playing video games with Edward and Emmett.

My heart soared as I closed the door and leaned against it. A smile spread across my face as I thanked who ever may be listening for giving Alice someone as wonderful as Jasper to love her and watch over her. She was truly an angel sent from the heavens to help me heal, learn to love, and move on.

That wondrous smile was short lived when Charlie popped his head out of the living room doorway and asked if he could speak with me, alone. I knew this was coming, that I'd have to have this talk with him at some point. In fact, I had been dreading it ever since Renee told me she had informed Charlie about the events that had led up to my arrival in Forks.

I nodded, held up my finger, and closed my eyes, urging back the tears that threatened to spill over and quickly composing myself.

"I can do this. I am a strong woman, and I need to deal with this so I can move forward," I whispered to the empty hall. This was slowly becoming my new mantra; one that I hoped held at least a minuscule amount of truth.

I spent the next hour once again re-living the last few years I had spent living with Phil and Renee.

Numerous times, Charlie's thunderous, angry, booming reaction would cause me to jump halfway across the room. That is, until Charlie noticed how frazzled and scared I looked by his outbursts and apologized profusely for frightening me. Then he quickly assured me, begged me, to believe that he would never, ever inflict any sort of pain on me, not emotionally, mentally or physically. I think I always knew this but hearing him say it made my insides blister with love, respect, and admiration for the man I would always consider my rock.

Once I was finished, Charlie slowly rose from the couch and scooped me up into his big strong arms.

"Why didn't you come to me, Bells? I would have helped. I would have killed that bastard and brought you here with me," he asked quietly, but in a hard, trembling voice.

"I didn't know, Dad." I sobbed, remembering Renee telling me my father didn't want me. "They told me you didn't want me…that you called and said you didn't want me to be your burden anymore."

"WHAT?" This time I completely expected his reaction so I didn't jump nearly as high.

"You now that's not true, right, Bella?" If I ever had any doubts about Charlie's love for me, they flew right out the window the second I looked into his tortured eyes.

"Of course not." I held my arms out and wrapped them around his tense shoulders. I chewed the inside of my cheek momentarily before pushing out the words I longed to say the most, "I love you, Dad. Thanks for loving me back," I whispered into his now shaking shoulder.

Charlie wasn't known to be very good at showing emotion of any kind. So, for him to openly shake with sobs on my shoulder kind of threw me off, but I quickly pushed my uneasiness aside and tightened my hold on him, humming softly, just being there for him while he let all that shit out.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I trudged tiredly towards the stairs after Charlie had finally calmed down and finished profusely apologizing to me. He blamed himself, thought he should have known. There was no way for him to know any of it. I assured him of this. My mother, however, well, I had no doubt that she was about to see a side of Charlie she had never witnessed before. He was livid with her, insanely pissed that she had allowed him to send me to her knowing what he was sending me back to. Again, he had no way of knowing. If anything, I should have told him myself, but I didn't.

I noticed the un-washed dishes in the kitchen and sighed. I didn't really want to do them now. It was already nine o'clock, and I was beat, but it was kind of a pet peeve of mine. I hated leaving dirty dishes in the sink overnight.

I decided I could at very least rinse them so the food on them didn't get a chance to crust to the plates.

Once I did that, I climbed the creaky staircase. As I approached my door, I stopped and listened for any signs that Charlie may still be awake but was met with only his loud snores drifting down the hallway.

I almost fell backwards in fear and choked on a scream rising in my throat when I saw a shadowed form sitting on my bed in the dark room. I fumbled along the wall and flicked the light on, surprised to find it was my mother.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. "She sniffled, wiping her nose with a scrunched up napkin. "I didn't mean to startle you. I was just kind of hoping you'd have a few minutes so I could talk to you.

As I took in her hunched posture and red rimmed eyes still pooling with unshed tears, I sighed and sat on the bed with her. Sleep would have to wait a little while longer.

"Bella, I think that it is only fair I share my side of the story with you after everything you shared with me earlier. Is that okay?" she asked quietly, taking my hand in hers and looking into my eyes.

I nodded, kinda shocked that she was finally going to let me into her head, to try to explain what the fuck she was thinking all those years she allowed Phil to torture us.

"It's not very pretty," she said cautiously.

"I think I can handle it." I chuckled darkly. She groaned as tears spilled over her flooding brims and slipped down her blotchy cheeks.

"That night in the kitchen when Phil first hurt you," she paused and looked at me imploringly. I nodded for her to continue.

"That was the first night I freaked out after I saw what happened to you. Phil was a monster and so much stronger than me, he kicked me and hit me until I couldn't move. Then, he told me if I said anything or tried to leave him he would hunt me down and find you, and anything he did now would be nothing compared to the pain he would inflict upon you when he found us."

Her confession didn't surprise me in the least. If anything, it was common textbook knowledge. Abusive men tended to use whatever leverage they could to keep their abused spouses with them and quiet.

"I thought things were getting better after that, only rarely did he hit me and only when I mentioned you. So, I detached myself from you the best I could, believing if I did, he wouldn't take his anger out on you. At that time, I swear, Bella, I had no idea what was happening to you. I thought the worst was over."

I swallowed down a lump of emotion. "I know, Mom. I believe you, now," I choked out.

She shuddered lightly and closed her eyes as tears trickled down her face."Then, one night I was doing laundry, Phil was upstairs watching a ball game on TV, and you were at work. I found a bloodied shirt of his but thought nothing of it. I just assumed he had cut himself working around the house or something. But then, as I added more laundry, I found a ripped and torn pair of underwear. Oh, Bella…they were yours…and…and…there was blood…everywhere." I wrapped my arms around her as she choked on the words and sobbed uncontrollably.

"We don't have to talk about this now, Mom. Don't do this," I pleaded softly, not able to handle the pain she was putting herself through by reliving those memories.

She straightened up and swiped at her face. Her nose was running, and she wiped at it with the back of her hand. She looked determined and ashamed.

"No, I need to do this. You deserve to know. I want you to hear it from me, not from Phil, or some lawyer at the trial, either." A shudder ran through me at the mention of the trial looming in the near future.

I watched with horror-filled eyes as my mom shakily lifted her shirt off to reveal not one but three jagged, thick scars that ran along her breasts. I gasped and rubbed my eyes thinking maybe I was seeing shit. But no, they were still there, all pinkish and purplish and glaring at me.

"This is what Phil did to me when I confronted him about the torn underwear. He smashed a beer bottle and slowly dragged it across my skin, smiling like a lunatic the whole while. He left me with a needle and sewing thread and told me to sew myself up. I did, but obviously not very well," she mused softly, glaring at the thick scarring in disgust.

"I don't know why I stayed. I guess I was scared. I'm so sorry, Bella, so very sorry." She wept silently for a few minutes while I cradled her head in my lap and ran my fingers through her hair.

"Eventually, I just walked around like a soulless person. I saw things, heard things, but none of it really registered. I hid in my room, as you know, when Phil wasn't home; and when he was, I actually tried to provoke him, thinking if he was busy with me, he might not bother you. I tried to distance myself from you, never because I didn't love you, because I always did. I always have. But I made myself believe if he didn't think he could hurt me through you, he would just leave you alone."She hiccupped while placing her hand on my knee. My heart went out to my mother, then. Not once did I consider the pain and torture she was going through. I had always just assumed she didn't care and turned a blind eye to save herself the annoyance of dealing with me.

"That day, when I came home and found you all broken and sobbing on Phil's body, I cracked. My only thought was to get you out of there, and the only way I knew how was to make you think I didn't want you there. I didn't want you to feel bad or obligated. I wanted to give you a clean break of sorts, so you'd never look back or felt you were betraying me by leaving me there. I was wrong, Bella, so wrong. I never meant any of it."

My chest heaved with lacing pain as her words sank in. She loved me, and she always had. She only wanted me to be free of the monster that held her prisoner. It was never me. Never!

"But, but why did you tell me Charlie didn't want me?" I questioned softly, wondering how that fit into her loving mother persona.

She gasped and took my hand. "It was a lie, Bella. Phil made me tell you that so you'd feel you had no one to go to, no one to tell." She lowered her head in shame and sobbed into her free hand.

"Oh," I whispered. It made sense now. Didn't make it any better, but really, I understood. Her fear of Phil and her fear for me were so closely bound she couldn't differentiate what decisions affected what. She was just as lost, scared, and remorseful as me.

She reached into her purse and pulled out a small manila folder and silently handed it to me.

I looked at her questioningly.

"You can choose if you want to read that or not. It is very detailed and very grotesque. I can't bring myself to re-tell that story."

I gazed at the folder in fear, as if it might hold some horrible secret. It probably did. Did I want to read it? If my mother, who had apparently lived through whatever this folder held, couldn't even bring herself to tell me, did I really want to know?

No, I didn't, but I had to. I had to finish this. This was a piece of my closure, and I wanted to get it all out there before I had to face down that monster in a court room.

With shaky hands and a heavy heart, I opened the folder.

It was a police report, dated May 14th 2008.

Heart-wrenching sobs poured from my throat as I read the horrifying words in the report.

The day Phil was finally arrested and put behind bars. My mother finally charged him, but the circumstances that led up to that were abominable and nauseating.

Bits and pieces of the report flashed by my watering eyes.

_Thirty seven stitches to Renee Dwyer's labia majora_. I wasn't stupid and actually paid attention in health so I knew exactly what they were referring to. I sprang to the bathroom and heaved violently into the toilet. I washed my mouth and returned to the room. My mother stared up at me, tears glistening in her pained eyes. I hugged her tight before I went back to the folder.

She watched me silently as I finished the report.

Apparently, Phil had come home to an empty house, drunk, one night. When Renee came in late he accused her of cheating and beat her pretty badly, a broken nose, two black eyes, bruising to her right cheekbone." I gasped, positively mortified by the last part. Tears poured from my eyes, now, like an overflowing river. I repeated the words over and over in my head just trying to grasp the brutality of them as they swam on the page before me.

…_removed eight staples from labia majora before stitching up the wounds…._

…_removed eight staples from labia majora before stitching up the wounds…._

…_removed eight staples from labia majora before stitching up the wounds…._

Oh my fucking god, he had stapled her vagina shut. My body shook violently, my vision blurred, my fingers trembled, and my breathing hitched as the folder fell from my hands, the papers spilling out all over my bed.

"Mommy," I croaked as my body gave out on me, and I crumpled against the side of my mother.

We stayed like that all night, curled into each other, trying to squeeze the pain out of the one another, crying until our eyes swelled shut, and we fell asleep_ safely_ in each other's arms.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**So, we now know why, and have her complete explanation. And for those of you who thought Charlie would have sent her to her mother knowing, well, of course he didn't.**

**Thoughts?**


	19. Downward Spiral

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly_

**Chapter 18 – Downward Spiral.**

We never spoke of that night again. There was nothing left to say. My mother knew my pain, and I now knew hers. The only thing left to do was make that motherfucker pay for the irreversible damage he had mercilessly and maliciously inflicted upon us.

"Hey, Dad, I'm going to go spend the night at Alice's. I'll be back tomorrow before dinner though," I sang out in uncharacteristic cheerfulness as I entered the living room and plopped down on the couch opposite Charlie.

He barely looked away from the TV where he was avidly watching some fishing show that was explaining the benefits of having a fish radar something-or-another.

He glanced at me briefly, and the corners of his mouth twitched upwards. "Okay, honey. You be careful though, alright?"

"Always am." I kissed his cheek and bounced up the stairs smiling. Today was a good day, and it was only going to get better after I finally talked with Edward.

"Oh, and Bells…" I stopped mid-step and waited for Charlie to go on, "Clean your room up before you go. There are clothes everywhere in there." He mumbled something about girls and their massive amounts of clothing.

I rolled my eyes and trudged towards the stairs, calling "Gotcha," and groaning internally as I thought about the enormous, redundant amount of clothing strewn about my room from Alice's latest shopping excursion.

"Evil little pixie, now I have to clean because of her, too," I grumbled to myself as I ascended the last few stairs.

I grumbled unintelligibly as I began sorting through clothing on the floor; which ones were dirty, which ones were clean, which ones I would never wear, tossing clothes into different piles throughout the room.

An hour and a half later, I had three piles left to put away; the ones that needed to be hung, the ones that needed to be folded, and the ones I was going to bring with me to Alice's. I threw the clothing I would be taking with me onto my unmade bed and hastily put the rest of it away.

I stretched up onto my tip-toes to reach the top shelf in my closet were my sweaters were currently housed and felt a sharp kick to the ribs. "Ouch." I gently lowered my craned body and rubbed my barely there baby-bump. "Good morning, sweetie," I whispered lovingly to my belly.

"Apparently, you are going to take after your daddy. I can't remember the last time I slept in till nine AM," I snickered, picturing Edward still in bed, sprawled out under his sheets, his head stuffed under the pillows and his feet hanging out the corner at the end of his bed. Then I pictured a beautiful little girl with long auburn curls and bright green eyes, dancing into the room and tickling those exposed feet to wake her daddy up. I blew out a loud sigh. If only one day that would come true. I would be a very happy woman, indeed.

I pushed those lovely images from my mind and got back to the task at hand, the sooner I got my stuff packed, the sooner I could be at Alice's and finally talk with Edward, and pray those little fantasies still had a chance of coming true. But mostly, I just prayed that I hadn't blown my chance with him and was now too late to fix things.

I neatly folded my chosen clothes into my overnight bag, humming a soft unfamiliar melody to ease my nerves.

"What's this?" I mumbled as I pulled a large brown envelope out from under my pillow.

I flipped it over curiously; it was addressed to me and had Alice's signature on the front. Hmm, whatever it was Alice must have signed for it from the delivery man and forgot about it.

I sat perched on the corner of my bed and slipped my finger under the flap of the envelope, only to pull out a small folded piece of paper and yet another smaller card sized, white envelope.

I unfolded the envelope and read the scrawled writing.

_Isabella, you are playing quite a dangerous game with me, now aren't you. Not such a smart thing for a girl who has already caused so much trouble. And here, I thought I was being a nice guy by letting you move on with your pathetic life with your dim-minded father….are you not happy with your new found daddy, Isabella? Is that why you are spending your valuable time antagonizing me?_

_What about that second-rate excuse for a boyfriend I know you've been trolloping around with? Is he not satisfying you the way only I can? Is this your way of calling out to me? Begging me to come and rescue you from your worthless new life?_

_Oh, maybe that would work…maybe. I could come there and the two of us could pay your scrumptious new girl-friends a visit. Oh how I'd love to play with them…that lanky, curvaceous blond one; the things I could do to a body like that. Oh Isabella, I am rock hard just thinking about it. Of course we can't forget about the tiny, spiky-haired one. I bet she'd be a wild one, all chained up and primitive; the fun we could have, the four of us together._

_BUT…if I am reading your actions all wrong, my apologies for the misunderstanding…..but I am pretty sure this would be the ultimate result of your current actions…if you catch my drift._

_PS. Hope you enjoy the pics I sent with this letter. I know I did._

My fingers trembled as I put the letter down, cautiously lifting the flap.

My teeth were chattering; my heart palpitating; my hands shaking. Hell, my whole body was convulsing with wild tremors as a handful of pictures fell into my lap, all face down, except one. One of me, naked, with a majority of my body tinged purple with dark black spots scattered across my torso. Blood was caked onto my lips, as I lay in a damp pool of my own blood on the bathroom floor of my old house.

My stomach churned, and before my mind had even accepted what this picture was of, I retched violently all over my bedspread. With my heart beating rapidly, my chest constricting, and my mind slowly shutting down, I turned up the remaining five pictures. The room swirled in a haze around me; burning tears cascaded down my frozen face.

Edward, Alice, Rosalie, Charlie, a photo of each with large, bright red gouges out of the pictures; different parts of their bodies mutilated with the red grotesque markings.

My aching heart crumbled. That fucker, he knew, and now he was taking away the only happiness I had. He knew my weaknesses, and now I would have nothing.

The last picture was of my mother, lying curled up almost lifeless on the floor beside a large staple gun, bright red blood pooling around her frail, broken body, her empty eyes staring back at the camera as she clutched at her groin.

The room began pulsing a painful, bright red. My tears slowly ceased as all thoughts of my friends, my family, my love, muddled in the darkness that had crept in and smothered any light that had built in my once again desolate mind. I curled into a tight ball as the darkness returned for me. My body shuddered one last time before my mind finished it's decent into the dark, lonely world I had believed I had finally moved on from. The beast in my head snarled at me, grinning as if to welcome me back to where I truly belonged. In my own personal hell.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

"Bella, Alice is on the phone, says you were supposed to be there an hour ago. Is everything okay?" Renee asked through the closed and locked door.

I didn't want to deal with Alice and her everything-will-work-out-for-the-best bullshit attitude. "I'm sick. I'm not going," I growled as I rolled my face into my pillow.

"Can I get you anything, then?"

"No, I'm okay," I grumbled into my pillow.

"Are you sure, honey? Really, I don't mind." Shit, Renee was starting to get on my nerves, now. Why the fuck couldn't she just leave me the hell alone?

"I said, I don't fucking want anything, so cut the loving mother façade and screw off." I knew my words were like a knife in her chest, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I had no choice anymore. I had to hurt her to save her; she'd be able to see that. Renee, of all people, would be able to recognize that gesture.

I didn't leave the confines of my room for the remainder of the day except when I heard Renee's car pull out of the drive. I snuck down to the kitchen to grab some food and a drink to bring back to my room with me.

I lay in bed all day, Phil's ugly words repeating over and over in my head. They no longer hurt me. I had flipped that switch and was now back to being the cold, emotionless, go-fuck-yourself Bella I had created and perfected years ago to protect my mind and heart from the pain. I had to be strong. Any sign of weakness and the monster in my head would know immediately and tear me the fuck down.

I didn't have the time or patience for scared, sniveling, pathetic Bella right now. Hell, I didn't have time for her anymore, at all.

I rubbed gentle circles on my swollen belly and sighed. What a shitty world this was to bring a child into.

What kind of monster was I? This child was innocent, and here I was cruelly bringing him or her into a world of hate, pain, anger, and brutality.

Hell, the poor kid wasn't even born yet and I was already proving to be a horrible mother. I couldn't even protect myself from the evils of this world; how the hell did I expect to protect my child from them?

For hours, I went over all the horrible things in my short lifetime I had witnessed or lived through. I tortured myself with images of Phil hurting my baby, while I stood defenseless, unable to do anything to protect my child.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Monday came way too fast, and I had no choice but to finally leave the safe confines of my room.

I stumbled from lack of sleep into the bathroom and bushed my teeth. I stole a glance at myself in the mirror and groaned.

Bella, five days ago, would never have left the house looking like this. I had dark purplish bruises under my red-rimmed, swollen eyes. My eyes, themselves, appeared almost black, with no life left in them; it was downright scary how empty they appeared. My hair was scraggily even though I had quickly run a brush through the mop just fifteen minutes ago. My lips were chapped and cracked a bit in the middle. I had on a baggy sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants; I definitely looked the part of a sick person. I silently prayed Renee and Charlie would still assume I was sick and not hassle me. I was in no mood for a fight today. I just wanted to get to class and get that shit done and over with so I could return to my room and curl up in my bed, safely hidden away from the world and all the people I didn't want to see or deal with.

Luckily, once I got downstairs, I found a note on the kitchen table from Renee.

_Bella,_

_Your dad is already at work, and I had to run out for an appointment in Port Angeles._

_Have a great day at school. I hope you're feeling better._

_Xoxoxox_

_Mom._

I crumpled the note and threw it in the garbage, grabbed an apple and some change from the change jar on the counter, and left for school.

I got to school just as the bell rang, which meant, for this morning, I was safe. I had no classes with Edward, Alice, or Rose this morning. I let out a huge breath I was holding and lowered my head as I dashed across the school grounds to get to my first class.

My morning was rather uneventful, boring at best. The teachers rambled on about shit I didn't care about. The students ignored me. I had not one single run in with Lauren and her crowd or Alice and hers.

I asked to be excused a few minutes early, just before lunch, claiming I had cramps. The teacher quickly waved me out of the room looking horror stuck at the idea of having to talk to me about such things.

I chuckled as I made my way to my locker. I planned on getting my lunch and hiding out somewhere at the back of the school before Edward or Alice even got out of class.

As I opened my locker and threw my books in, a small piece of paper fluttered to the ground.

I was about to throw it back in when I recognized the red writing causing my breath to hitch and my fingers to shake. I took a few deep breaths, scolding myself silently for letting scared, weak, pathetic Bella show her ugly face, even for just a second.

I slowly read the note.

_Isabella,_

_Apparently you still haven't learned who is in control here; maybe I will have to send a little __something __over to visit one of your scrumptious friends._

_Remember, I am always watching you._

A small tear slipped by my carefully crafted strong-girl façade, but I blinked a few times and stopped that shit right then and there.

I slammed my locker shut and spun on my heel. I knew what I had to do, and I had to do it right now, before I lost my nerve.

As I made my way to my truck, I could hear someone calling my name. I kept walking. I didn't have time for that shit right now. I had to get to the police station and fast.

Two hours later, I arrived in Port Angeles, my resolve only wavering twice during the whole drive. I scolded myself back into compliance and reminded myself of why I was doing this. It was for the best. It may seem all wrong, but really, it was for the best.

"Can I help you, Miss?" an annoyed looking officer asked gruffly.

I squared my shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. "Yes, I am here to recant my statement made against Phil Dwyer." Not once did my voice falter as I said his name; I was so proud of myself.

"Okay, take a seat and I will get an officer to take your statement," he replied, while looking me up and down, obviously wondering if I was for real.

I unconsciously began rubbing my belly; really, I didn't even notice I was doing it anymore. It just seemed so natural, but then I noticed an older couple smiling at me and eyeing up my tummy. I dropped my hand to my side and switched up to gnawing on my fingernails.

I was so lost in my nail chewing induced daze I didn't even notice the tall, gruff looking officer approach me. I heard him clear his throat though, and my body betrayed me by jumping anxiously at the sound.

"I'm sorry, Miss, I didn't mean to startle you. Follow me, and I will see if I can help you."

Four long grueling hours, a few fake tears, and one hissy fit later, I strolled confidently out of the police station.

They hadn't believed me at first when I told them I had made the whole thing up, of course. In fact, I anticipated just that reaction and had countered their theories with full out bullshit lies.

I was jealous of him after losing my mother's affections. I had hit on him, and he had rejected me, so I was scorned. I missed my dad and wanted the attention.

After each lie, I could see it in their faces, the disgust in some, pity in others. I gagged a little when I told them I had come on to Phil but had quickly covered it up with a sly little smirk.

I felt my heart break a little as I told them my mom was just being vindictive because of the torture he had put her through, and stated it was between them though; it had nothing to do with me.

I felt like shit by the end of that one. My mom would hate me, I was sure, after she found out what I had said. Hopefully, one day she could at least understand why I said it, maybe not forgive me; but I could live with understanding.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

When I arrived home, Renee was standing on the front porch, hands on hips and that I'm-your-mother-so-you-better-not-bullshit-me look splayed on her face. I rolled my eyes at her as I approached.

"The school called. Where the hell have you been? It is almost five o'clock."

"Yeah…I wasn't feeling well. I hung out in the girls' bathroom, and then fell asleep. I'm still not feeling too well. I think I am going to go lie down," I mumbled as I pushed my way past her. I turned back when I heard her whimper only to see her standing there, looking shocked as all hell, mouth agape, with tears welling in her eyes. I bolted to my room; I couldn't afford to feel bad right now. I needed to stay in my current state of mind if I was going to get through this with my head held high and my heart intact.

Within seconds of falling on my bed, exhaustion from the day took its toll; and I fell into a deep, troubled sleep. Thoughts of child abuse, child labor, child neglect swam around in my head, making sleep almost impossible. When I was finally able to clear it all and sighed contently, I thought of something even worse; someone taking my baby from me right at the hospital after finding out all the horrible things I had let Phil do to me, telling me I was unfit and disgusting and damaged goods, then locking me away for the remainder of my life, never able to see my child again.

I woke up in a panic, sweat pouring off of me, my heart thundering in my heaving chest. Tears streamed down my face as I bolted out of bed and threw on a hoodie. I glanced at the clock. Six am. Charlie would be gone by now, and Renee would still be sleeping. I crept downstairs and grabbed a banana and a muffin off the counter and slid out the front door.

I drove up to the small beach in La Push and wandered around as the sun struggled to break past the gloomy clouds. I cried until my chest burned in agony.

I had never felt as helpless as I did in that moment.

I was the reason my friends would now live in danger. I was the reason my unborn child would never be safe. I was the reason Phil would be out of jail soon and come looking for my mom. It was my entire fault. And in the end, I would be left alone, scared and lonely, with the whole world against me.

I trudged up the small cliff and perched myself on the edge, staring down at the angry swells below. My mind now blank and the tears all dried up. Rain drizzled in warning of what was to come, the clouds had darkened significantly, and thunder now boomed in the sky above.

"Hey! What are you doing up here all alone in this weather." I turned to find a dark skinned boy smiling widely at me. His eyes twinkled and scrunched up in the corners. As he got closer, I recognized him right away.

I sighed, "Just watching the water," hoping he would go the fuck away and leave me to wallow in my own guilt.

I heard him, rather than saw him, sit beside me. I had my eyes closed and was trying hard to ignore him.

"Ever been cliff diving?" he asked.

I didn't answer him; what was the point?

"It's freaking awesome when it's raining, and the water is so much warmer because of the rain, too," he continued, obviously not taking the hint that I wanted to be alone.

I opened my mouth to tell him to fuck off, then snapped it back shut as an idea, a terrible, horrible, wonderful idea formed in my mind.

I forced a smile on my face as I looked up at him, "Can you show me how?" I lowered my eyes and batted my lashes hoping to appeal to his macho, show-off side.

It worked. "Of course I can. You're on my res now. I know these cliffs like the back of my hand."

I giggled girlishly. "So can we then? I need a little excitement in my mundane life," I cooed.

He blinked rapidly, and then grinned as he pulled himself off the wet ground, holding his hand out to me. "But, of course."

He rambled on about the safest places to jump and the safest way to jump. He mentioned something about swimming with the current or maybe against it; I wasn't really sure. I really wasn't paying much attention. None of it mattered anyway. I had no intention of following his guidelines. I just needed him to help me jump.

I stood at the edge, not long after Jacob had finished explaining the safest way to do this, trembling inside. My eyes were clenched shut, my heart beating erratically. Fear began bubbling up, trying vainly to surface, to stop my ridiculous plan. I squashed it back down and took a deep breath. _This was for the best, this was for the best._ I repeated this over and over again, praying I was right, and knowing it didn't matter if I was or not. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't pretend I wasn't in an immeasurable amount of pain. I couldn't contain the fear I was feeling or the loneliness that had crept up and consumed me after finally knowing what happiness could be like.

"Ready, "Jacob coaxed eagerly from beside me.

I nodded, faces and memories swirling through my head. The good ones, the bad ones, and even the ones that still left me desperately trying to figure shit out.

Goodbye, Alice. Goodbye, Rose. Goodbye, Mom and Dad. A small quiet sob slipped past my lips as I thought of him. His bright green eyes were all I saw as I whispered aloud, "Goodbye, Edward."

I watched as Jacob jumped, yelling for me to join him. I saw him land gracefully in the safe part of the water, and I smiled. I took a few steps to the left and closed my eyes. Rubbing my stomach, I let the tears stream freely, now. "I love you, my dear, sweet baby, so much. I can't bring you into this world of pain," I whispered as I leapt forward, in the direction of the jagged rocks Jacob had so vehemently told me to avoid.

***Gasps***

**Umm...Happy Easter?**


	20. Valediction

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**I hope you all enjoyed the teaser and that I didn't miss any of you. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy!**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**Valediction~**

**BPOV **

I'm walking in a meadow, Edward's meadow, and the sun is shining brightly. I smile up at the sky as a swarm of butterflies flutter above me. So beautiful. I giggle and run my hand over my slightly potted belly.

Such a beautiful place; my baby is going to love it here.

I grunt as I carefully lower myself to the soft lush grass, sighing as I lie back and close my eyes. Content with the silence surrounding me, basking in the moment of just being, no thinking or worrying involved.

I am rudely jarred from my blissful moment by loud angry voices. I open my eyes and dart them around the vast empty field. No one is here. I must be hearing things. I frown and commence with my relaxational breathing.

_What the hell were you thinking? She's pregnant for god's sake._

Okay, now I know I'm not hearing things. And that voice… that voice is so familiar. I scrunch my face up in concentration, trying to place where I know the voice from.

_She's pregnant! How the hell was I supposed to know that? She never mentioned it. Hell, she never even told me why she was there._

The second voice didn't sound familiar at all. But my heart immediately went out to the distraught sounding owner of the familiar voice. He sounded so sad, so torn, so guilty.

'_It's not his fault, Bella. Say something. Defend him,' _my mind screamed at me.

What wasn't his fault, though?

_It doesn't take a fucking genius to see that she is indeed pregnant, you stupid mutt!_

The angelic angry voice was now roaring. I could hear the tremor in his words as he reprimanded and belittled the other man.

I could hear a small yelp of surprise and a loud clatter before a ton of pictures flashed before me, almost like a slide show in slow motion being played before my eyes.

A strangely familiar girl with emotionally void eyes, covered in bruises, grimacing at the mirror.

A large man hovering over the girl, screaming at her, leering and smirking in satisfaction as he leaves her broken on the floor.

My stomach churns as the pictures flash by, each one more grotesque than the last. That poor girl. What the hell had happened to her?

A middle aged man smiling brightly; his eyes shining with pride as the chestnut haired girl slumps in his arms and holds him tight.

I giggle as I watch the girl splash in murky water while glaring angrily at a small fish dangling from the end of the middle-aged man's fishing rod.

The images begin to fade. My heart starts beating erratically as the image of a beautiful bronze-haired boy, or closer to a man, appears before me. He is smiling with lust-hooded eyes at a girl who looks slightly tipsy but happy, as well.

The images begin flashing by rapidly; I can now barely make them out. They all appear to have the same bronze-haired boy in them; most are of him looking angry, sad, or distraught.

My eyes tear up as I see the pain reflecting back at me in his flat green eyes.

What could have caused this magnificent creature so much pain?

The voices get louder, closer, as the images once again shift and something finally clicks making the images rip at my thundering heart.

The girl in all the images… is me. I was the cause of all this pain. The boy, the man; the one my heart beat freely for, was Edward, the father of my baby.

I gasped. Oh my God, that's right. I'm pregnant!

Snapshots of me standing on a cliff beside a dark skinned boy reeled by.

I staggered back in pain as I remembered it all. I had jumped from the cliff. I had used the poor young unsuspecting Jacob to help me jump to my own death.

The other voice. Ohhhhhh. It was somewhat familiar, after all. It was his. He was here, somewhere.

I frantically searched the surrounding forest. Trying to locate the angry voices that I now knew belonged to Jacob and Edward.

I became mildly hysterical when I came to the conclusion that they were nowhere nearby, but why could I hear them? Was I going crazy? Where was I anyway? I should be dead? Is this what the afterlife is like? Stuck is the most wonderful place you had ever visited in your lifetime, alone, with the voices of all those you betrayed shrieking about in your mind?

A wave of dizziness swept over me, and I swayed to the side, grabbing a nearby branch to hold me up.

The bright sunlight began to fade into dark, ominous clouds, getting darker… darker and darker.

I gasped in utter horror as the blackness consumed me.

~~~oo~~~

"Bella! Bella, love, can you hear me?" I smiled into the darkness as a current of electricity shot up my arm.

Hmmm… feels so good.

"Bella, honey. Please, open your eyes," Edward begged softly from somewhere beside me.

I couldn't figure out why he'd want me to open my eyes. They were open. Weren't they? It was just too dark to see anything. Right!

I slowly moved my eyes back and forth, everything was black, no change. I looked down, still dark. I glanced up and shrunk back in immense pain as bright light flooded my field of vision, causing me to momentarily be blinded. Seconds passed by. The voices were easy to make out now, and blotchy spots moved around in front of me, asking me questions I wasn't sure how to answer.

"Wh… where am I?" I croaked, bringing my hand up to gingerly stroke my scorching throat.

As the blotchy spots came more and more into focus, I realized I was in a very crowded room.

I was surrounded by a bouncing Alice, a smirking Emmett, a smiling Rose, Jacob holding tissue to his nose with a pained look on his face, a skeptical looking Carlisle, an elated-looking Edward, a relieved looking Renee, and a _very_ _angry_ looking Charlie. I flinched back when I took in the murderous expression on his face.

I was immediately bombarded with various answers and questions coming at me from all directions. The boisterous noise stung my ears, and I clamped my hands to them trying to fend the evil pain off.

"Okay, everyone. I need a moment alone with Isabella. Can you all please go out to the waiting area?" Carlisle said softly but sternly.

I watched as everyone reluctantly shuffled out of the room. The last to go was Edward. He glanced back at me before closing the door, questions brimming in his tear-filled eyes.

"What day is it?" I asked Carlisle softly as he flipped through some papers on his clip board.

"Tuesday." His reply was curt. I knew then I had a hell of a lot of explaining to do. I gulped audibly at the onslaught of questions I was sure were about to be fired at me.

"So… I've only been here since yesterday?" I hedged.

"No, Isabella, you were brought here last Monday, you have been asleep since then. You've come close to slipping into coma a couple of times. But from your CAT scan results, I can only assume from the mild swelling in your brain, that this is your body's way of protecting itself." Carlisle ran his hand through his tousled blond hair and sighed.

"The orderly will be here soon to take you down for another CAT scan. Now that you are awake, we want to make sure the swelling has gone down." I nodded my head in shock; all this talk of brains and swelling was making me feel nauseous. I swallowed painfully and concentrated intently on my timed breaths.

I kept my eyes trained on the foot of the bed, breathing in slow deliberate breaths until Carlisle let out a deep groan, immediately getting my attention.

I cocked a brow at him, and he scowled back at me. How dare he?

"Okay, listen, Isabella. I am your doctor, but above all else, I am your friend. Heck, I'm assuming I'm the grandfather of your unborn child." Carlisle was now pacing back and forth at the foot of my bed running his long fingers up and down the side of his chiseled chin.

"So, what I'm about to say will be as me, Carlisle, your friend, and _not_ Dr. Cullen." He huffed quietly and stopped directly in front of me. His face blank, not an emotion shining through.

"What the hell were you thinking, Isabella? You could have killed yourself, killed your child, _my_ grandchild. Do you have any idea how devastated Edward is right now? Knowing that this was intentional." I snapped my mouth open to tell him to mind his own damn business, but his swift hand stopped me as he placed it in front of my stunned face.

As Carlisle resumed his irritating pacing, I got lost in my own scattered thoughts.

_This was so un-like Carlisle. He was usually so kind and gentle and understanding. He must be really pissed. Maybe I should drop the whole bitch-fest and just let him in. He means well, and he is obligated by doctor-patient confidentiality. So really, he can't tell Renee or Charlie, or even Edward._

I spent almost an hour telling Carlisle everything, from what happened to me back when I lived in Phoenix with Renee and Phil, to sleeping with his son, to all the drinking and burning to hide from the real pain; the pain I couldn't control. I even told him about the letters and my decision to recant my statement.

I hadn't planned on telling him so much, but once I got started, the words just tumbled out of me, right alongside the hysterical tears. I felt Carlisle's soft comforting hand on my shoulder and sobbed louder at his touch, falling against him and crumbling into a blubbering baby.

"You have to tell your dad, Bella. He'll be able to help you," Carlisle whispered into my hair.

I shook my head, fighting back a new wave of tears, as pure mortification at the thought of telling Charlie just how tainted his own daughter really was poured through me.

I whimpered and wallowed as I sniffled into his shirt, lifting my head to meet his eyes with an apologetic look. "That option just doesn't work for me. Sorry."

"I see, well then." Carlisle's face looked strained, and his lips were pressed into a tight line as he sighed loudly and returned the same apologetic look I had just given him a moment ago. "Well, I guess that decision is yours, Bella. I can tell you what I would do, what I would want you to do, and what I think is right. But I think you already know what that is. And I can't do anything about any of this because of patient /doctor confidentiality, which is driving me crazy. And because you are now eighteen, I can't even talk to child services. You are now considered an adult." Carlisle slowly hedged towards the door, scanning his eyes nervously through the room. "But…" Carlisle flung the door open and mumbled something about being back in a bit to check up on me as he scrambled out the door, leaving me stunned and confused.

Did he just say what I think he said? My heart was hammering in my chest as I turned the idea over in my mind. If Charlie knew, that would explain his angry expression, but Edward was still in one piece so maybe it was something completely different? Maybe this was Carlisle trying to be sneaky and trick me into accidentally telling my parents without realizing they didn't know already.

I was so lost in this contemplation, I didn't hear Renee come in and sit beside me until I felt her cold, shaking hand take mine into hers.

"Help me understand, Bella," Renee pleaded softly as a tear trickled down her cheek.

My memory flashed back to the letters I received:

_Isabella,_

_You are playing quite a dangerous game with me. Now, aren't you? Not such a smart thing for a girl who has already caused so much trouble. And here, I thought I was being a nice guy by letting you move on with your pathetic life with your dim-minded father. Are you not happy with your new found Daddy, Isabella? Is that why you are spending your valuable time antagonizing me?_

_What about that second-rate excuse for a boyfriend I know you've been trolloping around with? Is he not satisfying you the way only I can? Is this your way of calling out to me? Begging me to come and rescue you from your worthless new life?_

_Oh, maybe that would work… maybe I could come there and the two of us could pay your scrumptious new girlfriends a visit. Oh how I'd love to play with them… that lanky, curvaceous blond one, the things I could do to a body like that….. Oh, Isabella, I am rock-hard just thinking about it. Oh, and we can't forget about the tiny, spiky-haired one. I bet she'd be a wild one, all chained up and primitive. The fun we could have, the four of us together._

_BUT… if I am reading your actions all wrong, my apologies for the misunderstanding….. but I am pretty sure this would be the ultimate result of your current actions… if you catch my drift._

_P.S. ….. hope you enjoy the pics I sent with this letter. I know I did._

My stomach churned as flashes of the pictures invaded my mind, the red blotchy jagged marks taunting me.

I gagged a bit as I fought back the nausea that was rising in my throat. "Bella, are you okay?" Renee asked worriedly. I held my hand up to keep her at a safe distance. I knew once I allowed her to wrap her soft, warm, comforting arms around me, I would crumble. I wasn't strong enough to fight anymore.

_Isabella,_

_Apparently you still haven't learned who is in control here; maybe I will have to send a little something over to visit one of your scrumptious friends._

_Remember I am always watching you._

As that last letter sprung forth, along with it came my resolve. I was doing this for a reason. I had a purpose. And since I had failed at removing myself completely from the picture, I was going to have to make the people I cared about and the people I loved remove themselves. And the best way I knew how to do that was to alienate myself from them, make them hate me, despise the sight of me, and never look back.

I took a deep breath and pictured Phil's gloating face. My eyes slanted and a low growl slid up my throat. "That is none of your darn business." Renee's hand flew up to her mouth as she gasped, and her lower lip began to tremble.

Little invisible strings began pulling at my breaking heart. I wished I could cut those fucking strings and make the pulling go away. I didn't have time for guilt. In fact, I wasn't sure how much time I had at all. Phil could be watching us right now, for all I knew.

"Listen, _Mom, _I don't know where you get off acting all motherly now. It's been years, Renee, since you actually acted like a fucking mother. So do me a favor and screw off with the '_I care and want to help' _bullshit, okay?"

Renee's eyes pooled with tears, and the look she gave me was almost my undoing. I clenched the bed sheets until my fingers throbbed painfully and watched her scurry from the room, tripping though the doorway in her hurry to escape my cruel words.

I lay back fisting my hands into my hair and groaning as I squeezed my eyes shut, ensuring not a single pathetic tear betrayed me. I would not cry, and I could not show any weakness. I took a deep breath and composed myself just as Charlie came barging into my room, scowling and shaking his head.

I snapped my mouth open only to be silenced by his glare and a single hand held up, shaking in anger.

"Just don't, okay," he began in an unsteady voice. "I don't even know what to think right now. What the hell were you thinking, Bells? Jumping off that cliff, trying to take your own life and… and…" Charlie's voice began to falter, "And the life of your unborn child." His voice was so soft and tortured as he finished that sentence, the pain so clear to hear. My eyes watered slightly, and it took everything in me not to wrap myself in his arms and cry like a little baby.

"I don't expect you to understand. And I have no intention of explaining myself to you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I _was_ pregnant, but really, why would I tell you something like that when I knew it would just be a waste of breath," I shot back at him. The anger in my voice shocking even me.

Charlie glared at me, "WAS… WAS…. you seem to be missing something, missy. You are _not_ 'was pregnant', you '_are_ pregnant.' And only by the grace of God, I might add, because how that poor innocent baby survived that fall is beyond me, but for some reason God has decided to give you a second chance. So for God's sake, Bella, do your baby right and start being a responsible adult for once and stop looking for the easy way out all the time." Charlie's yelling was apparently causing quite a ruckus because I could hear people talking softly just outside the door, probably trying to figure what the hell was going on in here, but I couldn't give a shit. Charlie said I was STILL pregnant. I hadn't even thought to ask Dr. Cullen about the baby. I had just assumed I had lost it. And he had never offered me any information about its wellbeing. I had just assumed. Oh my God, I'm still fucking pregnant. By jumping off the cliff I had accomplished nothing, nada, not a single fucking thing. All I had managed to do was break my arm and cause a hell of a lot of pain for my family and friends.

Sobs rose in my throat and choked me as the tears I had been fending off spilled over my rims and slid down my face. Charlie came over then and wrapped his arms tightly around me. Cooing softly into my hair, "It's going to be alright, Bells. We'll get through this together."

I didn't deserve his kind words, or his compassion, or his love. I was a horrible person, and he was right. When I got scared, I took the easy way out and hurt everyone around me, including my precious unborn child.

Minutes, maybe even hours, later I pulled my tear-stained, sticky face off of his jacket and looked up at him with child-like eyes. "I'm so sorry, Daddy. Please don't hate me." It came out as barely as whisper, but the small gasp that fell from Charlie's lips confirmed he had heard my pathetic plea loud and clear.

"I could never hate you, Bells. You are my daughter, and I have always loved you, and always will." He squeezed me against him once more before pulling back and smiling. "Happy Birthday, by the way."

I blinked rapidly trying to understand his words. Happy birthday? That would mean today was September 13th. That would explain why Carlisle had said he couldn't do anything now that I was an adult. I had just thought he read my chart wrong and wasn't about to correct him.

"Thanks, Dad. I love you, too." I knew doing this was wrong. I was supposed to be pushing him away, but I just couldn't find it in myself to do it. He had been nothing but kind, understanding, and loving with me ever since I suddenly reappeared in his life. He deserved better than that. And honestly, what could Phil do to him anyway? He was the Chief of Police for God's sake. Maybe, just _maybe_, I could afford to have one person I loved still safely in my life.

A soft tap on the door ended our special father-daughter moment as a pimple-faced delivery boy came in with the oddest looking bouquet of flowers.

"Isabella Swan?" The anxious looking boy asked. I nodded as Charlie rose to take the bouquet, smiling.

"Thank you, son. I'll take those." As the boy left, Charlie pulled out the card and began reading it aloud.

Bella,

"Each flower in this bouquet represents my different feelings towards you." Charlie cocked his brow and glanced over at me, as if asking who they could be from. I shrugged innocently. I really had no idea. "Too bad your jump didn't finish my job for me," Charlie stuttered on the remaining words as my heart lurched in my chest. They were from Phil. My body began trembling violently as my breathing sped up. He knew. How did he know? The room began spinning, and my vision speckled with black and white dots. I could hear Charlie on the phone speaking rapidly to someone and then nothing.

**6 weeks later**

The last six weeks had been a whirlwind of decisions and anxiety. I had been released from the hospital the day after my birthday, shuffled out of the employee entrance by my father and three other armed officers. I never even got the chance to apologize to Edward, or to say good-bye.

I had no choice but to explain to Charlie the card with the flowers, and with that explanation came a million more questions, until everything I had tried so hard to get past them _came_ _out_. Charlie was mortified that he had no clue what was going on, but really, how would he? It wasn't like I was even in his life for him to be missing anything. Alice had came bounding in then and damn near choked when she saw the flowers, followed by a long-ass explanation to each flower's meaning. Apparently, my little bouquet looked so odd because it was indeed odd, and the poor little delivery boy also knew the meaning of the flowers, which was why he looked so damn anxious when he delivered the bouquet.

Black roses meant death.

Orange Monk meant deceit.

Orange Lily meant hatred and dislike.

And Monkshood meant beware, danger is near.

I shivered involuntarily as I thought back to Charlie's immediate reaction. He had freaked out on Renee, calling her every name in the book, telling her how much of a failure of a mom she had been, and demanding she leave his home and never come back.

Luckily, after I explained everything to him, including everything Renee had been through at the hands of Phil, he changed his mind and begged her to stay at the house with him so he could protect her.

Charlie found out not much later about my recant and demanded I make a new statement, promising he would keep me safe until the trial. I reluctantly agreed and got the worst interrogation of my life from the officer who took my statement. Not that I could blame him. I had caused quite an uproar in the papers when 'someone' let it slip to the press that I had recanted and then re-testified.

I was currently staying at Mount Hope Rehabilitation centre and now almost twenty-four weeks pregnant. Doctor Cullen came to visit me privately at the centre to continue my prenatal care and check up on me from time to time.

The baby was doing great, but I did have a small scare about a month back when they did a routine ultrasound and found out the baby's lungs were not developing fast enough. However, they did say that since they caught it so soon, a simple round of steroid injections should work, and so far it appeared they had done the trick. I had gotten a precautionary ultrasound done just yesterday and everything looked great. Oh, and I even found out the sex. I was having a little girl. I bawled like a fucking freak when the doctor told me that. I'm not sure why. A part of me was ecstatic; another part of me was scared shitless.

The odd time I had ever thought about becoming a parent, I had always pictured a beautiful little girl who I could play Barbie with, take to mother-daughter makeovers, put her hair up in ribbons and bows and dress in pretty little dresses. But that also meant she would be the inferior sex, like me, and it petrified me to think that one day she might go through something like I had.

Dr. Dasmond made an emergency session for me not long after the ultrasound when Carlisle had called him panicking when I wouldn't calm down, and two hours and thirty-seven minutes later, I had decided that I could be an amazing mother. No, that I _would_ be an amazing mother and never ever let what Renee allowed happen to me happen to my daughter; and therefore I had nothing to worry about. Well, at least not in that sense. As a parent, I was sure I would find plenty of things throughout the years to worry about, but for now, I came to understand my biggest concern was keeping my baby healthy and ridding the world of the biggest predator to enter my small, personal world. Phil.

Renee was still staying with Charlie. In fact, it seemed they might actually be re-kindling their old flame.

I wasn't positive of course, but from the way Renee would talk about Charlie on the phone, it sure seemed possible, maybe even certain. I was happy for them, and I knew how much my Dad had pined for my Mom after we left. The feelings never once wavered for him. It was all Renee, and maybe, just maybe, they had never died for her either, just wavered enough to cause her to wonder, panic, and run.

I haven't spoken to any of the Cullens, aside from Carlisle, and wasn't sure I was quite ready to, either.

Carlisle gave me regular updates about Edward and Alice, and surprised the hell out of me when he told me Edward was going to a shrink and seemed to be moving on in life. This made my heart clench tightly in my chest, but I held back the pain knowing this was probably best for Edward. I was broken and tainted and no good for him anyway, and I really wanted him to be happy. So, if being without me made him happy, I could swallow that pill painfully and accept it. I could do this, _for him._

Dr. Dasmond informed me just this morning that he truly believed I had made peace with my past and was prepared to sign my release papers. However, Charlie had spoken with the administrator and came to some agreement that I would stay in the institution until the trial date, which 'gulp' was tomorrow. Charlie would be here at seven am sharp to pick me up and bring me directly to the courthouse.

I was terrified at the thought of seeing Phil after all this time. Just the thought of looking into his lifeless eyes left me in a cold sweat. Not to mention, he would then know I was pregnant and have something else to try to hold over me. But it was with my baby in mind that I moved forward with determination. I would not allow that vile, pathetic excuse for a human being roam the streets freely with my daughter coming into this world. Not if I had anything to say about it. It was the least I could do to protect her.

I finished packing the last of my things before crawling into bed and sighing heavily, giving myself one last pep-talk before succumbing to a deep, dreamless sleep.

**November 10th – The trial**

I sat rigidly in the front of the courtroom beside the lawyer Charlie had hired, trying to appear stoic and in control, and failing miserably. My palms were so sweaty they were actually leaving stains on my slacks. My heart was pattering unevenly and painfully. My whole body was quivering, just aching to break out into uncontrollable trembles.

I stared intently at the floor, too panic-stricken to look around the courtroom as I heard people file in.

Because Phil had pled not-guilty and opted for a trial with a jury of peers or some shit, it meant that it was a closed courtroom; the public was not permitted to watch, nor were reporters.

"It's almost time, Isabella. Are you ready?" I heard my lawyer whisper beside me. I nodded my head, still not chancing a glance upwards. Even though every cell in my body was screaming in protest, telling me to smarten-the-fuck-up and hightail it out of there.

"All rise for the honorable Judge Martin," a booming voice said. I quickly scrambled up, trying not to trip over my own feet in the process, my belly protruding out giving me something to fixate on.

"Court is now in session. You may be seated." As I went to sit back down, I had to turn to grab my chair and pull it in. This unconsciously caused me to peek sideways, right into the menacing glare of none other than Phil himself. I gasped in shock and fear and gripped the edge of the chair tightly trying to compose myself.

"Just ignore him. Okay, Isabella." Again, I nodded, taking massive breaths to the point I felt a little light headed from the intense breathing.

I could hear the voices in the courtroom, but they all sounded like blubbering noises. My head swam in distortion as I continued focusing on calming breaths. I remained this way until I heard someone call my name.

My head snapped up and my eyes widened in fear. "I said, I now call 'Isabella Swan' to the stand."

I fumbled, trying to get up as I maneuvered my trembling body around the chair. My legs felt like they would give out any second now, and my chest constricted painfully, leaving me gasping for much needed air as I stumbled my way to the small enclosed box I knew I was about to take a seat in.

I averted my eyes so I was now staring at the back of the courtroom as the bailiff read me something about telling the truth. "Do you, Isabella Swan, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"I do," I squeaked softly.

"You may be seated." Before I had even finished taking my seat, Phil's lawyer was already going off a mile a minute with questions.

I sat there numbly, not feeling a single thing as I answered them the best I could, in what sounded to my ears to be a monotonous voice, my eyes never once leaving his face. I couldn't chance catching a glance of Phil. I couldn't handle that and knew I would inevitably break down.

I blocked everything else in the courtroom out as I repetitively answered the same damn questions just worded differently. Phil's lawyer didn't seem pleased as I answered each one with the exact same response, never once wavering in the slightest from the sickening truth.

When his lawyer was done trying to ridicule me, he moved on to discrediting me, and finally blaming me, throwing my own bullshit story I had given to recant my original statement right back in my face.

I shed a few tears this time as I heard a collective gasp from the jury and held my head high telling them why and watching quietly as my lawyer handed in the three letters from Phil to the bailiff as state's evidence, which my lawyer had so cleverly already had compared with Phil's handwriting from his statement so he couldn't deny they were from him.

"You bitch! You stupid slutty bitch. How dare you? I warned you, and now you and your little unborn bastard child are going to pay." Phil's twisted face was now a mere few feet from mine, and I cried out in horror as he lurched at me time and time again while being held back by an officer. I tried to scramble back but only managed to painfully fall in a pathetic frightened heap to the floor, crying out in pain as my forehead slammed into the corner of the step causing my vision to blur and fade.

So, Phil has damned his self, hurt Bella, yet again, and Edward is still MIA. Thoughts?


	21. The Burning Man

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**The Burning Man~**

**Dr. Hartley's POV**

"Dr. Hartley, here is your mail, and a young man just dropped this off, as well." My secretary Anne handed me a huge pile of envelopes and quietly shut the door as she ducked out of my office.

I sighed and plopped down into my chair. I had been working at least two hours overtime every night this past week.

I usually brought patient files home with me to go over and make notes, but just recently I had acquired a new patient and some of the information I had obtained was very delicate. So I worried, unnecessarily I'm sure; but either way, if the information I had gotten was ever to end up in the wrong hands, who knew how much damage it could cause the boy… or man. I guess he was a man. Broken and lost, but definitely a man.

I skimmed through my mail. Sorted it into piles; new patients, current patients, info, bills, and meetings. Then, I turned my attention to the large brown envelope. There was no writing on it. I wondered who it could be from. I slid my finger under the seal and tore it open. "Shit", I muttered as a thin red line appeared on my finger. I stuck the throbbing finger in my mouth and gingerly took the contents of the envelope out.

I was surprised to find it was the journal pages I had asked for from Edward Cullen. I had expected more of a fight from him about doing something so difficult and private. Once again the boy… I mean man, surprised me. Along with his journal pages, he had attached newspaper clippings and a picture of him and who I now knew was Alicia, his ex-girlfriend.

I tossed the clippings aside and began reading the journal pages.

_The Journal entry for Dr. Hartley:_

_I'm not too sure where to start off or exactly what you want from me in this. So, I will start where I feel is a good place and explain what I feel is relevant to my healing._

_As you know, I met Alicia at my family's summer cottage when I was thirteen. We immediately became friends. She was one of those people who was easy to get along with and always seemed to understand what I was saying and how I was feeling. This was a comfort to me because, aside from my sister Alice, that was a rarity for me. My family always had a hard time dealing with my quiet nature. I always kept to myself and preferred to sit home alone reading or listening to music as opposed to going out with my friends. My parents always said I needed more interaction with kids my age, and although they never once discouraged my avid reading, they did feel I immersed myself in my books to escape the pressures of the real world and wished I would just give people a chance._

_Alicia brought that out in me. After we met, I began going out more often. At first, it was all innocent. We would go swimming, or just hang out on the beach. We'd go to the local diner and order shakes. She even managed to drag me to the mall in Port Angeles a few times with my sister, Alice, accompanying us. Boy was that a horrific occasion, so… moving on._

_When I was fifteen, I realized my feelings for Alicia had changed and had become more of a girlfriend/boyfriend nature than that of just a friendship. I was nervous and scared of rejection, but she was my best friend, so I took a chance and asked her out. Amazingly, she accepted immediately and very enthusiastically._

_My first kiss was with Alicia, and I must admit that it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable. I was in my room at my parents' place and I had just brushed my teeth after dinner when she came barging into my room, demanding to know why I didn't find her attractive. This baffled me because I found her to be amazingly beautiful. Then she proceeded to say we had been dating for a whole two days and wanted to know why I had yet to try and kiss her._

_I tried telling her I wanted it to be special; she just scoffed at me and stormed out of my room. I followed her and spun her in my arms when I reached her. I planted my lips firmly on her unsuspecting ones. She was very needy, urgent, and sloppy; but I didn't care. I thought I was in love with her, and this was how it was supposed to be._

_Over the two years we were together, she tried numerous times to have sex with me. I dodged each of her attacks (literally, they were attacks) with a simple explanation of waiting for the right time and being too young._

_After being together for just about two years, I caught her fucking a guy from school. His name was Tyler. We were at a party, and I had wandered off to talk to my sister and her friends. When I came back, I couldn't find her. Needless to say that not long after, I found her in the upstairs bathroom bent over the sink getting railed from behind. I stormed out of there, thinking at very least she would attempt to follow me and give me some lame-ass excuses. Boy was I wrong; I stewed in the back yard for almost an hour before she graced me with her very "I just got laid" appearance. The bitch had the audacity to finish her excursion before coming after me. Boy was that a bite in the ass._

_She cried and threw a fit when I confronted her about it, claiming to be too drunk and that she thought it was me, saying she was just as confused and upset about it as I was._

_I was a fool and in lust (I realize now it was all lust, never love. But at the time, I couldn't differentiate the feelings.) So, I forgave her and acted like none of it ever happened._

_However, over the next few months, she continued drinking and partying, dragging me along with her, treating me like some kind of arm candy, and flaunting me to other girls._

_And every so often, in the middle of a party, she would disappear for a half hour or so and then re-appear with a disheveled look to her. But whenever I questioned her about it, she would claim that she had either gotten sick in the washroom or was outside and the wind and rain had taken its toll on her appearance. I think I knew she was lying but refused to accept that. So I just went along with her bullshit and acted oblivious._

_The last party we went to, I got sick of her little disappearances, so I drank like a fish until I could no longer remember why I was upset in the first place. I only remember bits and pieces of that evening, but what I do remember fills me with shame each time I think about it._

_I flirted shamelessly with whatever girl crossed my path. Did keg stands with the jocks, snorted coke and smoked some pot with the stoners, and puked in a flower pot in the upstairs hall before stumbling to my room._

_A week after this particular party, Alicia came to me crying, saying she was pregnant with my child. At first I thought she was off her rocker or had one too many drinks or some shit, 'cause clearly I was still a virgin. Then she slapped me and yelled at me for not remembering having sex with her. I stood bewildered looking at her glaring face as she told me that that drunken night after I had got back to my room, we had had sex. I took off and disappeared for a good two days, just driving around in my car mostly and stopping from time to time to grab a bite to eat._

_Once I thought I had it all figured out and was completely prepared to tell my parents and get a place and try to make a good life for Alicia the baby and me, I returned to find her in the hospital. Apparently, she had a miscarriage. I felt like shit; the guilt consumed me, and she took complete advantage of that. She had me at her beck and call for weeks afterwards, and whenever something didn't go the way she wanted or she didn't get what she wanted, she would take it out on me. I took it in stride though, telling myself I had put her in this situation, so I couldn't blame her for being angry and confused._

_A few days later, I overheard her at school gloating with her friends that she had me 'pussy-whipped'. She was right, sadly enough. Although, pussy had nothing to do with my whipping. What her friend said in reply though left me broken, confused, and desolate._

"_What are you going to do when Edward finds out the baby wasn't even his and that the two of you never even slept together," Stacey, the school tramp, wheezed. My heart stopped, I swear, and my body trembled. I am still not sure if it did with anger or revulsion. I didn't even wait for her response. I just bolted out of there and finally decided it was time to talk to my sister. I was way out of my league here, and needed a girl's opinion._

_Alice was livid; I had to forcibly confine her to her room to keep her from tearing Alicia to shreds._

_Ultimately, we decided it was best for me to just break it off with Alicia and put the whole thing behind me as a 'live and learn' experience of a lifetime._

_Fate, however, apparently wasn't done messing with me, because that night Alicia got into a car accident and called me from the hospital sobbing, telling me she was sorry for being such a bitch and that she really needed me. Call me stupid, but I crumbled. The accident was nothing serious just a few bumps here and some bruises there._

_This leads up to just before her death._

_I decided to take her to the beach and talk with her, to tell her how I felt, and that it was over. I tried but couldn't bring myself to look at her the same. I knew now what kind of person she was, and I wanted nothing to do with that kind of person._

_She taunted and teased me when I didn't want to join her in the water, and even dove into the stormy water once and disappeared for a few moments scaring the shit out of me, only to pop back up and laugh hysterically at my concern for her. I guess this is why when she really went under and drowned I didn't think to look for her right away. The last thing I really remembered about that fateful day was hearing Alicia telling me to stop struggling and to let the water take me to shore._

_Her body was never found. There was an empty casket funeral for her a couple months later once her parents accepted that she must have drowned and the county declared her dead._

_After that, I spent my time drinking, smoking pot, and secluding myself from others; never letting myself get close to another person._

_I refused to talk with anyone about Alicia, always assuring everyone I was fine._

_Eventually, I learned for people to leave me alone about the whole thing I would have to pretend to be okay. So, I started hanging out with my friends again, still drinking and smoking pot, but in a 'I'm just partying with my friends' kinda way._

_Surely enough, people stopped harassing me about how I was, and life moved on. But I never did._

_Months after the funeral, I started hearing Alicia's voice, always telling me to come find her, or that she was still out there. Then, moving on to taunting me, insulting me, and finally telling me I had to let her go._

_I found when I smoked pot I heard her less often, and the less I heard her, the saner I felt. So smoking pot it was._

_Then one night, I went to a party my sister was helping throw, and my neatly crafted world came spinning out from underneath me when I met a brown-eyed beautiful girl._

_We ended up drunkenly making out in my room, where I received my first orgasm caused by something other than my own hand. She was incredible, and it really wasn't like me, drunk or not, to just make out with any random girl. There was something about her, though. I felt it the moment I touched her. I just don't think I fully comprehended what I was feeling right away. When I woke up the next morning, she was gone. I never even got her name._

_Not long after that, she kinda just showed up at my lunch table. However, once again, fate decided to fuck me up because it appeared she didn't even remember me._

_As time went by, I grew to become very fond of her. Her name, by the way, is Bella._

_My feelings grew the more I got to know about her, but it was a complicated kind of friendship we shared, one where we barely talked unless she was completely obliterated and falling down drunk._

_It was apparent to me right from the start she had some demons in her closet and thus made her unattainable. But I couldn't help myself. I finally figured out way too late I was slowly but surely falling deeply in love with her._

_We ended up having sex (my first time, not sure about her) when we had both been drinking. We never really had a chance to talk about it because she left for her mother's not long after. Something didn't feel right about it, though, almost as if she resented me for it. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I didn't know what I could have done that was so wrong? Mind you, I wasn't exactly open about talking about it either. I tended to avoid her whenever I did see her before she left, too confused and scared of rejection to broach the subject._

_After she left, I emailed her a few times, finally admitting to her how I really felt. I never heard back from her, though. This left me depressed and angry. Depressed, because I finally knew what it felt like to be in love with someone and truly want to be with someone in every way possible. Angry, because she couldn't at least show me enough respect to reply to my emails, even if it was just to tell me to fuck off and to leave her alone. Anything would have been so much better than nothing. The silence killed me, tore at every fiber of my being, and left me sobbing like a child in my room for weeks._

_When she did come back to town, she came to spend the night with my sister (whom she has grown to be good friends with). I had every intention of talking to her then, making her understand how I felt, telling her the truth about everything. About why I avoided her, about why I made out with her, why I chose to have sex with her. About Alicia, everything!_

_I never got the chance, though. She fainted when she saw me and ended up in the hospital. I went with her, of course. Only to find out she was pregnant._

_I freaked out and booked it out of there like the chicken shit I was/am. Not even waiting around to find out the particulars._

_I went to a place I go to when I need to think. And think I did, but not before drinking myself stupid and inflicting physical and emotional distress upon myself during my freak fit._

_Nothing intentional, of course… I just happened to kick something harder than me and pass out from all the alcohol, likely something close to alcohol poisoning._

_I woke up to Bella. Yes, my sweet Bella came looking for me; but once again, asshole Edward stuck his foot in his mouth and spewed a bunch of bullshit at her and made her cry._

_I yelled at her and told her mean things because I was hurt she was pregnant with another man's child._

_She left me there with a tiny envelope as she flew into the forest crying her little heart out, only for me to finally suck it up and look at what she as trying to show me, and realize a moment too late that she wasn't actually pregnant with another man's baby. She was pregnant with _my_ child._

_She left me there, as she should have. I really didn't expect her to forgive me, but I hoped. I have sent her many emails, texts and letters trying to apologize and to tell her how I feel. I've even tried calling a few times, but my calls are always forwarded to her voice mail, and she never returns them._

_I am completely lost and broken without her. Again, I know even once I deal with my own shit and get my head straightened out, it might not fix all this; and Bella may never forgive me… but I have to try. She is the mother of my child, the love of my life, and I have a terrible dreadful feeling that she, too, is on her way off the deep end; and I need to hurry up and fix myself so I can help her before something horrible and unfixable happens._

_Well I hope this is what you were wanting, 'cause it's all I got._

_Edward._

A tear slipped down my cheek as I took in everything I had just read. It was so much more than what I had already learned, and it was heart-wrenching to think about someone so young going through so much pain already. I picked up my own file folder and opened it, glancing at the information I had planned on sharing with him and wondering if it would even do him any good to know the truth. Maybe that was why his parents had not shared it with him in the first place. They, too, knew it might only cause him so much more damage, and after everything he had already gone through, who in their right mind would want to throw this at him too?

I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration as I closed the file and decided that now definitely wasn't the right time. Maybe someday… but _not_ _now_. Telling Edward the truth about Alicia Volturi would have to wait until he was in a better place.

**EPOV**

**Eight weeks later**

I slowly made my way into the hospital and to the elevator doors. I hit the up button and waited, shifting on my feet back and forth nervously.

Today was my last session with Dr. Hartley. This was only our eighth session, but she was moving away. So today was the day she gave me her two cents and would then leave me with the decision as to whether I wanted to continue therapy with another counselor or cut my losses and thank her for all the help she had given me.

And help she gave me, indeed. The woman was brilliant and so easy to talk to. She never judged me or made me feel like a fool for how I felt or for how messed up my thoughts were. If anything, she made me feel that how I was feeling, and how I was behaving, was completely normal and just a step in the healing process. One of the first steps, but a step none the less.

I was early; I couldn't help it. I was anxious to hear what she thought.

As I sat in the waiting room I thought back to my previous sessions.

**Session # 1**

_Dr. Hartley: Welcome, Edward. Now, I want you to always know that everything you say here, stays here. I will never judge you or put you down. I am here to help you help yourself. Do you understand?_

_Edward: Yes._

_Dr. Hartley: You seem hesitant to be here, Edward. Has someone forced you to come?_

_Edward: No._

_Dr. Hartley: Okay, so you're here by your own choice, then?_

_Edward: Yes, I am._

_Dr. Hartley: Good, that is very good. So, tell me, Edward, what can I do for you? What are you hoping to get out of these sessions?_

_Edward: Well actually, I am here for a couple of reasons. Ummm... my girlfriend disappeared a few years back, and her body was never found. I've kind of been a mess since then, drinking a lot and using drugs as well to try and deal with the pain._

_Dr. Hartley: So, tell me… what made you decide it was time to deal with all that?_

_Edward: Well, that is actually the second reason I'm here. I met a girl. I really like her, but we kind of have a messed up relationship. Partially because of me and all the crap I have in my head, but she, too, seems to have a few demons in her past. I really want to try and make things work with her, but I know I have to fix myself before I can even think about having any kind of relationship with her to try and help her fix herself._

_Dr. Hartley: I see, interesting. So… you're doing this for you? Or for her?_

_Edward: For me._

_Dr. Hartley: Alright then, we'll give this a try. I have your information here and have looked it over. How about we start off from the beginning… How about you tell me how you met Alicia!_

_Edward: Well… okay… Alicia and I met at our summer cottage when I was thirteen. We immediately became friends, and then when I turned fifteen, I asked her out. I mean, we were already friends. I was the football team's quarterback, and she was the head cheerleader. It was expected of us, to be together, I mean. We dated until she disappeared just over two years ago._

She continued to ask questions about Alicia. About our time together, things we had done, places we had gone, and friends we had shared.

I told her of the parties we had attended together and going to school dances. That all our friends got along, but that mine felt she was no good for me. She questioned me on this, and I immediately got a little defensive when I had to explain how frivolous Alicia could be, how she flirted with other boys and used her looks to get what she wanted. The not-so-funny jokes she would play on me, such as convincing me once she was pregnant with my child, and that the one night we got wasted together we had had sex. I told her how that terrified me, because I was a virgin and raised to believe in saving myself for that special someone, that one person I felt that crazy magnetic pull to. If you were lucky enough to find her in the first place, that is.

Then she asked about more personal moments together, and that is when I started getting a little antsy, and she decided to shift the subject a bit and jumped right up to the day Alicia went missing.

Luckily, minutes later our session came to an end, so I didn't have to really delve into the suppressed memories and feelings of Alicia's disappearance.

However, it seemed that Dr. Hartley wasn't letting me off that easy and asked me to write a journal page of sorts all about that very day. She also expected me to drop it off at least one day prior to our next appointment so she would have a chance to go over it before I came in for my next session. More like to come up with a zillion and one questions that would kill me to answer. I was starting to think Dr. Hartley's whole objective here was to pick me apart bit by bit until there was nothing left of the façade I had built up around myself; leaving behind nothing but the trembling little broken boy that I had spent so many years hiding just beneath the surface of the perfectly constructed man I allowed the world to see.

**So, Edward's back. Are you smiling now?**

**Teamswitzerlandmom was a sweetheart and let me know that I was nominated for some Sunflower awards.**

**I am very honored to have even been mentioned. My heartfelt thanks to whoever nominated me. Voting apparently takes place until-ummm- sometime this month? The information on the voting page is rather vague, but I didn't have time to hunt through it all to see if it is hiding somewhere else. It does say that winners will be announced on June 4****th****, however.**

**He categories I saw my name under are as follows:**

**Best 1 shot- Death's Final test**

**Best title – Scared STIFF**

**Best Beta**

**Best other character – Tristan from Jagged Turns and Twisted Fates**

**And Best Angst- Desolation**

**If you agree with any of that, or just love me no matter what. This is the link to go and vote :-)**

**http: / thesunflowerawards. blogspot. com/p/ voting . html**

**Don't forget to remove the spaces.**


	22. Tabula rasa

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**Tabula rasa ~**

**EPOV**

Dr. Hartley: So, Edward, have you thought about what we talked about last week?

Edward: Yes, I agree with you. And I've thought about it. But it doesn't change anything. I need her.

Dr. Hartley: I see. Have you talked to her about this?

Edward: I tried, but she is in a really bad place right now. I want to give her time. Let her sort her own shit out and come to me when she is ready.

Dr. Hartley: And then what, Edward? What will you say to her?

Edward: The truth. That I love her, and that she and our child are my world. That I will accept her for everything she is and not try and change a piece of that person, only try to help her heal. I want to be there for her whenever she needs me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. As a family.

Dr. Hartley: And how do you think she will respond?

Edward: That's what scares me. I just don't know.

Dr. Hartley: Well, you have my support, and I think what you are doing, putting yourself out there like this, only proves all the more what an admirable, strong, compassionate man you are. I hope your Bella knows what a great guy you are.

Edward: Thank you.

Dr. Hartley: So, have you decided what you want to do about counseling? Would you like me to refer you to another therapist, or do you feel you've accomplished what you came here for?

Edward: Actually, I was wondering if you could refer me to a couples' counselor. I am hoping, once I talk to Bella, she will want to start going to these together. For separate reasons and the same ones, as well.

Dr. Hartley: I see. Well, I think that is a great idea. I will set that up for you and call you with the details.

Edward: Thank you, and if it isn't too much trouble, could you find a female counselor? It might be more comfortable for Bella that way.

Dr. Hartley: Sure.

Dr. Hartley: Listen, Edward, before you go and we say our goodbyes, there is something I need to talk to you about. Are you in a rush?

Edward: Umm, no. Is everything okay?

Dr. Hartley: Yes. One sec. Janis, can you cancel my next appointment please. Thank you.

Edward: What's this about, Dr. Hartley?

Dr. Hartley: Julie, please call me Julie. Right now, I am talking to you as your friend. Me, as your therapist, ended five minutes ago.

Edward: Okay, Julie… what's going on?

Dr. Hartley: Listen, I did some digging when I got your case. This is not uncommon practice for me. I do it with all my patients, so I have a better Idea of how to help them and how to understand them. Do you understand?

Edward: Yes, and…

Dr. Hartley: Well, I found this.

Edward: These are the police files from Alicia's disappearance and paper clippings from the local newspapers. I… I don't understand. Wait… what's this?

Dr. Hartley: Those, Edward, are the answers you've been looking for.

**BPOV**

"Come on, Bella. Get that cute pudgy butt of yours down here, or we're going to be late."

"Gosh, Mom, do you really have to refer to my body parts that way?" I grumbled, annoyed at the amount of attention my growing butt was receiving these days.

Renee giggled and mumbled something about cranky pregnant woman and how she didn't miss that one bit. I pretended not to hear her and continued my struggle with my winter coat that apparently no longer fit over my protruding belly. I huffed and whipped it in the corner and grabbed a shawl from the hall closet. It wasn't much, but it would have to do until I could get to the store and buy a new coat.

"Here, Bells, let me grab your bags. What do you have in here anyways? Everything but the kitchen sink?" Charlie laughed at his own joke. I frowned.

"No, Alice and her shopping, that is what that is. I would have preferred to get everyone gift cards so they could make sure they got exactly what they wanted, but no, Alice wouldn't hear of it and dragged me around the mall for six hours straight," I huffed, every word dripping with the annoyance I still felt about that one shopping trip.

Twenty minutes later, we all stumbled out of Charlie's cruiser. Renee ran off to meet Esme at the door. I could already hear them making baby plans. I rolled my eyes. This left poor Charlie to bring in all the bags and boxes. I waddled over to him. "Anything I can help with."

"No, no, I got it," He said gruffly while trying to balance the last box on top of his already overflowing pile.

"Don't be silly. I am sure I can manage one tiny box. Here." I grabbed the box before he could object and continued my duck waddle up the driveway.

Just as I reached the stairs, Edward burst through the front door. "Stop right there."

I looked around anxiously. What the hell? Was something in front of me? Was I about to fall over something?

Edward came bounding down the stairs with a stern look on his gorgeous face. He grabbed the box I was carrying and held his other arm out for me to grab onto.

"What were you thinking, Bella? You could have slipped and fallen trying to carry that."

"Merry Christmas to you, too," I huffed.

"Someone should have told me you were here. I would have come out earlier to help," he muttered quietly. I wasn't sure if it was intended for me to hear or not, so I let it go.

I lost myself in my thoughts as I made my way into the house and busied myself putting the gifts under the enormous tree. So much had happened this past month, most good, but some bad. It was still so surreal to think about it. After my little impromptu fall, I had woken up in the hospital, everything was fine with the baby, and I only had a small cut on the back of my head, nothing that a couple of stitches couldn't fix. My dad had informed me that Phil was obviously found guilty and sentenced to life in prison with no chance of parole.

Finally, I was rid of that horrible, pathetic excuse for a human; and I could move forward and stop tumbling backwards. Maybe, just maybe, I could have a real life, with real love and a real future. Maybe I could have Edward.

When we first got back to Forks, I couldn't bring myself to contact Edward. Carlisle had told me of his therapy and how well he was doing. I didn't want to interfere with that. If anything, I admired the shit out of him for being so productive and having the will and strength to try and better himself. I couldn't help but wonder if his need for therapy had to do with me and the fucked up way I had treated him over the past months, and just the thought of that made my stomach churn.

I spent the first week home barricaded in my room with my brand new laptop Renee had got me as a welcome home-congratulations-guilt gift. I wrote non-stop about my feelings, my memories, my desires, wants, and fears. I knew I had shit I still had to figure out, come to terms with, if you will: and I wanted to get that shit dealt with before I declared my undying and irrevocable love to Edward.

And where I wasn't sure a therapist would do what I needed to get past my insecurities and fuck ups, my writing sure felt like it did.

I never showed anyone anything I wrote, but seeing my words on the screen somehow made it all more real. I know, how much more real can abuse and torture get? But really, it did. It was like a birds-eye perception into the hell I had endured and made me really truly scrutinize every decision I had ever made since my mom married Phil.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that none, and I mean absolutely none, of what happened with him was my fault; and I never deserved an ounce of the torment that fuck-freak put me through. But I also learned I was not much better than him in some sense.

I had come to Forks to escape it all and was given a glorious chance at having real, true friends and a magnificent creature of a man who adored me; and I had done nothing but push him away, then tug him back moments later. Play with him a bit, and then, once again, toss him aside. Only to return to him when I needed a boost, something to make me feel real again; and the poor bastard stood there completely oblivious to my fault and mind-games and welcomed me back each time with open and loving arms. I was a monster of my own creation. I had hurt the ones I loved in an unforgivable, disgusting way; and I deserved to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life because of it. But I also learned I am one hell of a selfish creature and even knowing the pain and suffering I intentionally, yet unintentionally, inflicted upon Edward and how much he deserved a life without me and the complications that came with me, I couldn't stop myself, my love, my heart, my mind from crying out for him every waking moment of the day… and night.

"Bella, you hoo… earth to Bella."

"Huh! What?" My eyes slowly came into focus as Edward's hands waved frantically in front of my face. "Oh, sorry. I was kind of lost in thought there for a moment," I mumbled in embarrassment.

"A moment? Bella, I've been trying to get your attention for the last five minutes." Edward rolled his eyes at me and chuckled. "I've already brought all the presents into the other room, while you stood here staring off at that one little gift." I could see his attention now shifting to the small golden box in my hand. A hot crimson tinge crawled up my neck, and I quickly whipped the gift behind my back.

"Who's it for?" Edward asked coyly, cocking his brow at me and grinning madly.

"Pffft, Charlie. I wasn't thinking about the gift, Edward. I was just thinking and happened to be holding the gift at the same time," I stuttered out, obviously lying. I darted around him and tossed the gift in the furthest corner of the tree, in behind a dozen much larger gifts, and scrambled back out from under the tree.

"Hey, Bells, there you are. Come on into the kitchen. Esme wants to take your newest measurement." Charlie and Edward chuckled, and I groaned, rolling my eyes.

Prick! I gave Edward the stink eye as I bristled past him into the kitchen where Esme stood smiling brightly while holding that god-awful measuring tape. Alice was bouncing happily at her side with a beaming smile plastered all over her face.

I inwardly groaned and lifted my arms up so they could take the freaking measurement already and leave me alone.

I squeezed my eyes shut until Esme was done and scribbling down her number in her 'My Pregnancy Memories' scrapbook she was making, along with Renee's help.

"Oh my goodness, Bella, you've grown…"

I slammed my hands over my ears and began horridly singing 'Row, row, row your boat' at the top of my lungs and darted as fast as my fat ass would take me out the side door and into the living room.

I had absolutely no desire to know just how big my wide ass had gotten over the last month.

When I had gotten back from my little stunt in the 'looney bin', Esme had taken it upon herself to come over and inform me she_ was _making a scrap book of sorts for me to keep memories of my pregnancy in to look back upon later or even pass down to my daughter. She didn't know, yet, that I was indeed having a daughter, so really, she had said child, but I knew.

Ever since then, she would show up on my doorstep every Monday of every week and measure my belly with that evil little measuring tape. I had come to be so sure she must be cutting small pieces off the end of it just to fuck with me a bit. There was no way in hell I was _that_ big. So, after the second measurement, I had vehemently declined knowing the new 'number' and told her to keep it to herself.

"Alright, looks like everyone is here. Time for dinner." I heard Carlisle call, jarring me from my thoughts.

I stood up and turned just as a starving Emmett barreled past me, almost knocking me off my un-sturdy feet and onto my giant booty.

I swung my hands back, bracing myself for the inevitable fall, only to land in hard, comforting arms. I gasped as a sharp pain stung up my arms, but sighed in appreciation when I realized that hurt a hell of a lot less than actually hitting the floor.

Edward chuckled in humor, his green eyes dancing, as he took in my scowl and shrugged as he let me go.

"What can I say; girls are always falling all over me." I knew he was joking but for some reason that stung. Hell, it more than stung; it cut like a jagged piece of broken glass. I clutched at my side and inhaled deeply before spinning on my heel and stumbling out of the room.

Edward sat across from me during dinner, throwing concerned, confused looks at me every time I chanced a look at him. I finally gave up and decided to focus on somewhere other than where he sat, which also stopped me from talking with Alice or Renee who were flanked on either side of him.

This left me with… oh God… Emmett!

"So, Em, how are things…" I trailed off awkwardly, hoping he wouldn't jump right into some sex fiasco of one of his and Rosalie's latest trysts.

"Oh, you know school is crazy. Who knew college would be so hard?" Emmett deadpanned, rolling his eyes.

"Well, I'm sure it can't be all bad," Renee piped in from across the table.

_Quiet, woman._ I seethed in my mind. Why did she have to egg him on?

"Oh no, not all bad. When classes are over, Rosie here likes to help me 'unwind'," Emmett wrapped his arm around Rosalie's shoulder and grinned smugly, "and lemme tell you the things she can do with her….. ouch! What the hell was that for, Rose?" Emmett pouted, sticking out his bottom lip.

We all laughed. Charlie groaned and mumbled something I couldn't quite hear as he shoveled another spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth, likely trying to keep his temper in check. Obviously, he knew I was no 'virgin Mary', but for some reason he still felt he had to protect me from all the scandalous, inappropriate things we teenagers seemed to get ourselves into.

Three hours later, we all sat around, buttons undone on our overly tight pants from over indulging ourselves on Esme's mouth-watering desserts. Well, all of us except Alice who was bouncing around like a ball full of energy, flittering around the tree and stacking presents here and there.

"Can we open presents yet?" Emmett whined childishly from the other end of the couch.

I giggled; it was so funny watching such an overgrown oaf sulk, whine, and pull a temper tantrum like a little boy. Emmett slid to the floor and, with his back against the couch and his knees at his chest, he began stomping on the floor with an impatient look on his face. Too funny, indeed.

"Alright, ya big baby," Alice teased, but Emmett either didn't notice or didn't care because just then Alice handed him a bright red package. His eyes lit up and went wide, and he started bouncing around on his tush. "It's from Bella, by the way. Just in case, oh, I don't know, maybe you want to thank her or something," Alice grumbled as Emmett tore into the wrapping paper.

Everyone was laughing, even Charlie. Seems the big mean Chief might have a soft spot for overgrown, immature boys.

Not even an hour later, we finished opening all the gifts, and I would be lying if I said I was happy with mine; when really, I felt horrible. They had done too much, gotten me too much, way more than I was able to afford for them.

Alice and Esme had scolded me for even thinking something like that, but I couldn't help how I felt.

Alice had practically gotten me a whole new wardrobe, boxes upon boxes of designer clothing. "For after the baby, when you get your kick-ass figure back," she had said, smiling wickedly at me.

Rose got me four, that's right, count 'em, four pairs of crazy expensive shoes. One set of spiked heels. I groaned at the sight of them and had to force a smile on my flushing face. A set of cute platforms; these I actually liked, and they didn't look like complete death traps, either. A pair of ankle boots with a one inch heel, also not so bad. And lastly, an adorable pair of flats. "For those drinking nights when you don't feel like making a spectacle out of yourself by falling flat on your face with your butt in the air," she had snickered. I flamed crimson, but had to nod in response, because she was pathetically right.

Esme and Carlisle had given me a nice, new oversized Coach purse. It was absolutely beautiful. It was real leather with an outside leopard print and had a long chain for the handle, but I guessed it must have cost a fortune. I had seen Alice shopping for these purses before, and my God, that woman spent upwards of fifteen hundred dollars on these. I blanched just thinking about it, but Esme shooed my worries off with a simple, "You need one that is elegant just like you, but big enough to store a spare emergency diaper in it, as well." She winked when she said that causing me to chuckle. She was right about needing a big purse, I had to admit that.

Renee, too, had bought me a ton of clothing. I groaned when I saw some of them, pinks and purple and even some ruffles, but my discomfort must have gone unnoticed 'cause she just smiled brightly at me; and honestly, I couldn't bring myself to ruin her joy. So, I swallowed thickly and smiled right back, all the while knowing there was no way in hell I was going to wear half of it.

"Wait, Bella, you still haven't opened my gift," Emmett boomed from across the room as he came barreling at me with a small silver box in his hands and a creepy smile on his face.

I shuddered, not sure I should open it. Something told me Emmett was up to no good.

I opened the card first and groaned audibly as a gift certificate for The Stag Shop fell out. "For lingerie or toys or whatever floats your boat," Emmett cackled. Oh boy, if I could just slip into the floor and disappear right about now…

Rosalie was chuckling as she sat across from me, and I shot her a death glare. Her eyes widened and she stopped the moment she looked up at me.

Well, if that was the embarrassing part, I guess it wasn't too bad.

I quickly ripped open the small box, thinking the worst was already over only to uncover a rather large box of condoms. I yelped in surprise and once again felt my face turn numerous shades of pink.

"So you don't have any more little Eddie's anytime soon," Emmett boomed shamelessly.

Once the laughter died down, people started pairing off and doing their own thing. Renee and Charlie left, apparently Alice had arranged for me to spend the night with her. I didn't mind though. I had a lot of time to make up for with both her and Edward, if I wanted to set things straight. Alice and Jasper were cuddled up on the couch in front of the fire, whispering to each other and sharing soft kisses. Emmett and Rosalie had disappeared all together. I'm sure to his room to give each other their 'real' gifts. And Esme and Carlisle were fluttering around the house straightening things up. Edward was nowhere in sight, so I took this moment to slip quietly out of the room, but not before going over to the large tree and slipping out the small box I had hidden earlier and made my way upstairs to Edward's room.

Edward wasn't in his room either, so I decided to take a seat on his leather couch and get lost in my thoughts while waiting for him.

This was only the second time I had seen Edward since I got back from the trial. The first time had been awkward, but left me with hope. He had told me he was in counseling and trying to get his shit figured out. I told him I was proud of him, and that I was doing something similar. He seemed rather happy about that, which made me smile. I liked pleasing him, even if it was something as simple as dealing with my large load of shit I had been carrying around.

He had told me he loved me, and I had cried my heart out, wishing like hell I wasn't such a wuss and just told him I felt the same; but like the coward I am , I didn't.

Before he left that day, he had kissed my overgrown belly and wiped away my tears. After kissing my forehead, he had said the sweetest words, "Don't cry, my angel. I promise I will be here when you are ready."

I broke down as soon as he shut the door. I crumpled on the floor, sobbing like a child, wanting nothing more than to run after him and profess my undying love and want for him. But I was too late; he was already gone.

I had spent the last two weeks working diligently on a journal entry of sorts for him, one that would tell him everything. I left nothing out. I told him about Phil and everything I had went through. I told him about my mom and everything I had found out had happened to her, about my insecurities, my drinking, my burning, all my bullshit right up to the way I felt about him, Alice, and his family, Rose… _everyone_. Finally, finishing the four-page monster up with a simple, I am so sorry, please forgive me, I love you.

I know it wasn't the most romantic or even conventional way to tell someone you loved them, but it was me, and I was a coward. So it would have to do, for now.

"I'm going to do everything I can, sweetie, to fix things with your daddy," I cooed while rubbing my thumping belly, praying Edward would still want me, and that my promise to my child wasn't hopeless.

"Bella? What are you doing in here?" I swiveled my head towards the door to find a confused looking Edward standing there, looking sexy as all hell.

I blushed and tried to pry my wide load off the couch while stuttering, "Umm… sorry, I guess I should have asked. I didn't think. I didn't mean…. ahhh. I just wanted to talk and thought I'd wait here for you," I confessed, hoping he wasn't mad at me for being in his room.

"Oh, okay," Edward mumbled while stuffing his hands deep in his pockets and staring at the floor.

I patted the empty seat beside me, hoping he would join me. I wanted him as close as I could get him. So I could breathe in his intoxicating scent, get lost in the never ending depths of his sparkling eyes, and pretend just for a moment that he wanted to be near me.

I inhaled shakily as he sat beside me, running his fingers through his wayward tresses. I groaned. _So sexy. Oh, shit. Stop it, Bella, you are not here to make out with him for God's sakes, so get your mind out of the gutter. _I silently scolded myself, feeling heat creep up my cheeks and other regions as well.

I shifted uncomfortably and wrung my hands together. "Listen, Edward. I want to apologize for so much I don't even know where to start. For not being honest with you. For not being more patient with you. For leading you on when I shouldn't have. For drunkenly jumping into bed with you. For disappearing for a month and not contacting you. But most of all, for _hurting_ you." I looked down at the ground in shame. Feeling his intense eyes on me, I couldn't bring myself to look into those eyes, not knowing what I would find there. Forgiveness, anger, resentment or disgust. I just couldn't handle it, not even the forgiveness. I deserved to wallow and suffer right now, and I wouldn't want him to forgive me so easily. I wanted to fight for him, for his love. He deserved that.

"Bel…." he started.

"Wait." I interrupted, "Please, let me finish, and then you can talk," I pleaded softly. He snapped his mouth shut and nodded.

"I know I'm a pretty messed up person, and I want you to really know me. Everything. Not just the pleasant parts of me. Well, if there are any of those," I added softly.

Edward groaned. Oops… guess he heard me. I shrugged, and with trembling fingers, handed him the note. "This will explain all the things I tried, and failed, to tell you. When you're ready, I will be in the library; if when you are done reading it, you still want to talk to me," I whispered as a solitary tear slid down my cheek.

I stood on shaky legs and made my way to the door, glancing back only once to find Edward still in the same place I left him, staring openly at the piece of paper in his hands. "If you don't come, I'll understand." And with that promise, I closed the door behind me, leaving my heart and all hope in that room with him.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I curled up on the small couch in the library with a copy of Wuthering Heights in my hands. I read for what felt like hours before softly closing the book and giving up all hope of Edward joining me. I should have known he could never love me, never want to be with me, never accept me after he knew what I really was. I sighed heavily thinking… _God must have been drunk when he made me._

My shoulders shook as I held my head in my hands and cried my heart out. I cried for the love I wanted, the love I felt, and the love I would never have in return; and just when my tears were spent and my heart felt hollow, I fell asleep curled up in a ball all by myself with thoughts of moving on in my life without Edward mocking me in my head.

**We're hitting the home stretch now, lovelies. Only 7 more chapters to go, and this baby is all done. Hope you're surviving all the angst. Just keep faith in me, okay?**

**As always, readers and reviewers are what make up the FF world, be a part of it. I'd love to hear from you :-)**

**Teaser will go out in review replies. Sorry if I missed you last chapter. I tried to keep up. I swear.**

**Next update….Sunday, Ima thinking. Would be sooner, but I have to get my fandom pieces done for the Tsunami and sexual awareness fundraisers. Info for both of the very worthy causes are on my profile.**

**Until next time, have a great weekend!**


	23. Falling to Pieces

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Because many of you asked, and I want to make sure I didn't miss anyone with this question. Tabula Rasa means- CLEAN SLATE.**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**Falling to pieces~**

**EPOV**

I sat numbly staring at the letter Bella had given me, my heart heavy and my head throbbing. I knew she had problems; hell, everyone did. But hers were far more complicated and heart wrenching than I ever imagined.

_And you were about to pour a whole lot more on her, you dumb ass!_ I silently scolded myself.

After I had left Dr. Hartley's office with the real truth ringing clear in my mind, it had taken me awhile to accept what she had told me. In fact, she had to cancel her remaining appointments for the day just to calm me down.

At first, I was irate with her for telling me this now. Thinking she was enjoying fucking with me. But once I thought about it, I mean really thought about it, I understood her reasoning and why she hadn't told me sooner. I needed to heal a bit first, be in a good place with myself, before I could accept what really happened to Alicia and let the past go.

I had been resolved to talk to Bella. Tell her everything, share my past with her, and open up like I had with no other, not even Dr. Hartley; and I was so sure today, of all days, Christmas, was the perfect day to do that. But then she gave me this letter and something inside me broke. My angel, my love, my life, was far more broken then I ever had been, ever could be, and she needed me to help her, not the other way around. Could I tell her about my past when I knew she had so much to deal with already? Was that even fair?

And this is why I was still sitting here, my conscience and my heart battling it out before I go to the girl of my dreams and take the next step. Because, after this inevitable talk, there will be no turning back, only trudging forward, hopefully together.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

"Bella. Bella, honey, are you in here?" I called softly into the dark room.

_Maybe she had gotten sick of waiting for me and left,_ I thought with a huge lump rising in my throat.

_Maybe I was too late._

I sighed and went to leave the room when I heard a soft whimper. I gasped and squinted into the darkness. There she was all curled up on the couch with her face all scrunched up and a little worry line between her brows. She was beautiful.

I slowly hedged towards her, not wanting to wake her, just needing to be closer to her.

I sat by her feet and softly rubbed them while thinking about how perfect life would be if we were in our own home, lying together in our own bed, while I rubbed her tiny swollen feet.

I smiled; to me that would be perfect. I wanted nothing more than to live with this gorgeous woman and hopefully make her my wife and have many _more _adorable children with her_. Perfect!_

I was pulled from my thoughts by Bella's foot slamming into my side. I groaned in pain. _Damn that girl has strength._

I decided I was in her way and she needed some more room to stretch out; I slowly lifted her leg off me and lowered myself to my knees before her, placing a soft kiss on her forehead and whispering , "I love you, my angel," before turning to leave. I was halfway to the door when I hear her soft voice call out to me. "Please, Edward, don't leave me." I looked back at her thinking she had woken. But no, she was still fast asleep. Guilt coursed through me at the thought that she was dreaming about me leaving her. I never could, not anymore. Not now that I had let myself admit what she meant to me.

I lowered myself to the couch and slipped in behind her, wrapping my arm around her securely and placing a soft kiss in her hair. I closed my eyes and fell asleep thinking beautiful thoughts of us being a family and breathing in her intoxicating scent. _Perfect!_

**BPOV**

I groggily hummed as my mind slowly woke from its deep slumber. I was in the warmest place and it smelled heavenly. I didn't want to open my eyes and let this feeling go.

I slowly stretched out my legs and went to roll over, but something was in the way. Something soft and warm and… oh God… it smelled absolutely wonderful. I turned my head to find Edward nuzzled into my backside, snoring softly, his hot glorious breath fanning across my neck, causing me to shiver and wetness to pool in my underwear. I groaned.

Maybe I wasn't really awake, maybe I was still dreaming? Yeah! That had to be it. Well, if my scrambled mind was nice enough to conjure up something oh so sweet, who was I to turn it away.

A small moan escaped my lips as he wiggled behind me, causing what I was positive was his huge erection to press into my ass. I ground into him right back, enjoying the sensation more than I'd like to admit. But, God, it felt amazing having him pressed up against me like this, it had been too long since I had his sweet lips pressed against my skin, and my hormones were completely out of whack and… oh shit… I just really want him, okay! There, I admitted it. Well, at least to myself. I missed him and wanted him so much that my delirious, lust-induced mind was now coming up with glorious apparitions of him.

"Hmm," I moaned as I twisted in his arms and placed a soft kiss against his pouty lips.

I felt his arm tighten around my waist as he pulled me even closer towards him.

He smiled and kissed me chastely. "What a perfect way to wake up," he whispered. _What?_

Oh my God, oh my God. This wasn't a dream. This was real. Edward was with me on the couch, at his parents' house, and he was kissing me. The love struck part of me was celebrating and reveling in the moment, where the rational fucked up side of me was scared shitless. What if he was mad at me? How did I even get here with him? I remember falling asleep here, but there was no Edward here then.

He must have… come to me, then! I smiled like a goofy teenager thinking that he had come to me; he wanted to be here with me, and for once, I didn't over think things. I just wanted it to _be_. So, I snuggled in closer to him and mumbled back, "Yes, yes it is."

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

The next few days were amazing, absolutely amazing. Edward and I had been attached at the hip. He was so attentive and loving. It was pure bliss. I spent the last four nights in his bed, in his arms. And it felt so right, so meant to be. For the first time in a very long time, I was happy, so very happy.

December 26th had been hellish at best. Alice had forced us all into Edward's Volvo and dragged us into store after store at the Mall in Port Angeles. By the time we left, we each were carrying upwards of seven bags and my feet felt three sizes too big. My legs were cramping, and my back was aching.

I cried out in pain when I lowered myself into the front seat of the Volvo, making Edward eye me suspiciously after I told him it was nothing.

The remainder of the week was rather uneventful, but domestic in the most endearing kind of ways. Edward took care of me, and I took care of him. He made me breakfast; I did his laundry. He rubbed my feet, and I got his car detailed. He played the most mesmerizing music for me on the piano; I read my favorite parts of Romeo and Juliet to him. It was surreal, it was perfect. It was us.

Every evening, we fell asleep in each other's arms, and every morning, we woke to each other's soft smiles.

Except today. Today was New Years Eve. I woke up smiling as I reached out beside me, blinking rapidly when I found the space beside me empty. I strained my neck to look at the clock and found it was only eight A.M. Where could Edward be? And why hadn't he woken me?

I pulled on my robe and padded my way down the stairs only to find pure chaos, in the form of Alice, fluttering around the room, booming out orders with the flick of her wrist.

Emmett and Jasper appeared to be moving furniture around, while Rosalie and Esme were dusting and hanging glittery silver streamers from the corners of the room. Carlisle was just coming through the front door with a handful of bags, huffing and puffing, miserable looking Edward trailing behind him carrying a rather large and awkward looking sparkling disco ball.

"Good morning, beautiful." He beamed at me. "Give me a second to put this down." Edward let out a groan as he carefully placed the large ball in the corner of the room.

"How was your sleep?" he asked, pulling me into his arms and placing a soft kiss along my hairline.

"Perfect, until I woke up," I grumbled, still a little peeved about waking up without him.

"I'm sorry, love. You looked so peaceful, and I didn't want to wake you. I hope you're not upset with me," Edward pleaded, pulling back and giving me those damn puppy dog eyes.

I sighed, "Of course, I'm not. I guess I just got too used to waking up with you there."

"So, umm…what exactly is going on here, anyway?" I asked, waving my hand at the spectacle surrounding us.

"Alice's annual New Year's party. Every year she drags us out of bed at un-godly hours and tortures us with the set up." Edward groaned and rolled his eyes. "Stupid thing is, we're always done by noon. So, why the hell can't she just let us sleep in, and we can do it a bit later and be done by three?"

I giggled. "Evil little pixie."

"I heard that! Now get back to work, Edward, before I come over there and kick your whiny ass," Alice shrieked from across the room.

"How did she…." my voice trailed off as I eyed Alice speculatively.

"I think she has super-sonic hearing or some shit." Edward chuckled.

I laughed with him. Once again, Alice scowled from across the room.

The rest of the day went by rather quickly. Edward was right, by noon the house was completely re-done. Silver sparkling streamers were dangling all over. The huge disco ball was up in the middle of what used to be the living room. There were bar stools lining the walls and a giant bar set up in the corner of the room as well as a sweet looking DJ station in the other corner. Small round tables were placed sporadically throughout the room adorned with silver and blue table cloths and small glittering confetti. It was like a scene out of a winter wonderland. It was magnificent. It was Alice, personified.

"One hour, Missy. Then I want you in my room. _No_ arguments," Alice called out shortly, as she stuck her head in the door and shot me a death look.

I shuddered. Man, she could be scary when she wanted to be.

"Listen, love, there is something I wanted to talk to you about before the party tonight," Edward said while taking my hand into his.

I smiled lovingly at him. "What's on your mind, handsome?" I giggled. I couldn't help it. He just looked so darn cute when he got all flustered and nervous.

"Well, as you know I've been seeing a therapist…" he started. I could already see the wheels turning in his beautiful little head, "And…."

"And my therapist is moving away so she suggested another therapist for me to see."

"Okay, that's great. At least you're not left hunting for one yourself." I wasn't sure where he was going with this or why he felt the need to talk to me about it?

"I asked her about a couples' therapist." Edward looked directly into my eyes then, softly pleading with me, for something.

Oh, Wait! Couples' therapy? Edward and I are a couple. So that must mean… he wants me to go with him.

"Oh… I see… you want…" I waved my hand between the two of us, "to go".

"Please, don't take it the wrong way. I just really want things to work for us, and I think a counselor might be able to help us deal with each other's pasts." His voice cracked a little, which made me wonder what he was really so afraid of, but I decided I'd let it go for now. I loved this man with all my heart, and after everything I had put him through, if he thought therapy would make it better, how could I say no? "Okay".

Edward's head flew up from his hands, a startled look upon his gorgeous face, "Okay?"

"Mhmm, okay." I laughed, I couldn't help it. He was sitting there looking all puzzled and shit, as if I had just spoken some foreign language.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

He began running his hands through his hair. "I, umm, I guess… I just… I don't know… I didn't think you'd like the idea. I thought… well, I didn't think you would." Edward was mumbling so low now I had to strain my neck to hear him.

"Come here," I giggled, beckoning him with my finger. I wrapped my arms around his neck and placed a soft kiss on either side of his face. "Of course, I'd go. I'd do anything for you. Don't you know that by now, you silly boy?"

"Okay, time's up, lover boy. Now hand her over, she's now mine until nine-thirty," Alice clipped out from the doorway.

I chuckled. "Looks like I've got a date with Alice's beauty shop of horrors." Alice growled while Edward roared with laughter.

"Too funny… you should see… look on Alice's… priceless," he sputtered in between fits of laughter.

I rolled my eyes, kissed his forehead, and followed obediently behind Alice's trembling form.

"Why do you have to encourage him, Bella?" The hurt in her voice immediately made me feel bad for that little jab.

"I'm sorry, Alice, don't be mad at me. I was just making a joke. Really, you know I love you. I just don't love having my hair primped and being dressed up and tugged around like a human Bella version of a Raggedy Ann doll."

By the time Alice was finished with me, the party downstairs was in full swing, and it was but one minute to ten. Edward had banged on the door numerous times between nine-twenty-five and nine-fifty five, but Alice had told him to buzz of, saying perfection took time and hissing about telling their parents about his little mishap with the car last year. I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but assumed that Edward had gotten into some sort of trouble and sneaky little Alice was now holding it over his head to get what she wanted. Which, at the moment, was thirty more minutes to finish her Raggedy Bella make-over.

I gripped the stairwell fiercely and eyed the stairs warily as I slowly made my way down to the party. Alice had graciously let me wear flats, which was smart considering I was twenty-six weeks pregnant, for crying out loud. Even in flats, between the flowing dress Alice had forced me into, billowing about and blocking my view of my feet, and my overgrown belly combined, they threw off any sort of balance I had maintained over the years. I was left in a trembling mess of nerves as I slowly descended the stairs, wanting nothing more than to turn on my heel and hightail it right back to the safety of Edward's room.

"You look amazing, love." Edward beamed, circling his arm around my waist and kissing the crown of my head.

"So do you," I breathed out, ogling his sexy frame. The way he looked in a suit, oh my, yep. Now I needed to change my panties. _Bella, you're such a horny pig_! I scolded myself, trying futilely to shift my thoughts to something more pure and failing miserably the second I felt Edward's hand graze my ass.

Edward was thoughtful enough to buy a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne for me and handed me a glass.

I sipped gingerly at it, swaying to the music and watching everyone on the dance floor.

Alice was bouncing around like a kid who forgot her Ritalin, dragging Jasper from person to person. I choked on a sip of my drink when I noticed some old lady cop-a-feel of Jasper's ass as he passed by, causing him to yelp and scurry off wide-eyed like a wounded puppy dog.

Emmett and Rosalie were lost in each other, as always. They were off in the far corner completely entwined with one another, lips locked and hands roaming shamelessly. I groaned. _God, I wish that were me and Edward_. Then I mentally slapped myself for being such a horn-dog and decided it had to be because of the pregnancy hormones. _Yep, see hormones. Not my fault, at all!_

"Would you like to dance, love?" Edward's hot breath blowing across my ear sent a shiver of delight through me. I moaned softly and felt my knees tremble.

I nodded. "Mhmm."

Edward chuckled.

I was still lost in my Edward induced lust-haze. When I heard him say it was almost midnight and maneuvered us off the make-shift dance floor to get our drinks.

"Before we start the countdown, I just wanted to take a moment and thank you all for being here tonight and helping us ring in the New Year," Carlisle's voice boomed from somewhere across the room. "Here's to friends, family, and loved ones, alike." Carlisle raised his glass, this I actually could see, and soft murmurs were heard followed by Alice's shrill voice beginning the countdown.

10… I looked up at Edward and smiled. Thinking to myself just how damn lucky I was to have someone so amazing in my life, and even better yet, someone who wanted to be with me.

9… I thought about the past year and how my life had changed so drastically because of him and his family and how blessed I was to have them all in my life.

8… I thought about Renee and smiled when I pictured her and my dad curled up on the couch at home, sipping wine and watching the countdown, as well.

7… I even smiled when I thought about Phil. He was where he belonged, now. And found myself hoping maliciously that he had been claimed by some huge, rough Bubba since he had moved into the state pen.

6… I rubbed my belly lovingly and smiled thinking about what a wonderful and loving family my child would have.

5… I noticed Edward watching me intently, an odd look on his beautiful face, and smiled shyly as a hot blush crept onto my cheeks.

4… I set my glass down on the table beside me, wringing my hands together nervously. Tonight was the night, I was sure of it.

3… I grasped Edward's hand in mine and raised it to my lips, kissing it softly before snuggling into the side of him.

2… Edward's empty hand glided up my belly and began rubbing soft circles around my belly button.

1… I closed my eyes and let every horrible thing that had happened to me flash before my eyes, almost like a slide-show; and shaking my head, I let each and every bad memory go with each determined shake.

"Happy New Year!" Edward pulled me into him and placed his soft lips against mine, kissing me like I have never been kissed before. So full of passion, love and desire… just plain goodness.

I moaned into his mouth before pulling back and looking into his sparkling green eyes. "I love you!" I murmured softly but firmly, and held my breath.

Edward looked shocked momentarily, but then held me even tighter, "You don't know how long I've wanted to hear those beautiful words from you, Bella. I love you, too, my love." And with that, his lips were back on mine, much more urgently this time and filled with lust and desire.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

After saying goodnight to everyone, Edward led me upstairs, hand in hand. Once we were in his room, he took out a shirt and a pair of his boxers for me to wear and handed them to me with a big smile. "Have I told you lately that you are just oh so beautiful," he whispered from behind me as he unzipped the back of my dress.

"No, not lately," I chided.

I felt his soft, warm lips press against the back of my neck, sending shivers of delight and desire throughout my entire body.

"Hmmm, that feels so good." I clamped my eyes shut and leaned back against his hard chest, letting my head fall to one side and giving him ample room to continue his soft kisses along my neck.

I hummed and whimpered at each soft wet kiss.

"Please, Edward, make love to me," I murmured in his ear, giving it a little nip.

Edward spun me around gently. His lips found mine, and within seconds, we were panting for air.

He pushed the straps of my dress off my shoulders and backed up, staring at me with hooded eyes as it clung around my protruding belly. "So beautiful," he whispered before shimmying it the rest of the way down.

I pulled his shirt over his head and quickly unclasped the button on his jeans.

"Eager are we?" Edward chuckled and backed me towards the bed.

He peppered kisses all over every inch of my exposed skin, sending my mind into a frenzy of lust and desire. With not a coherent thought left, I grabbed his arms and pulled him up to me. "Please, Edward, I need you in me," I begged while running my hand over his large bulge. Edward hissed and flung his head back. God, he was sexy.

He bent down and kissed the tip of my nose before looking deeply into my eyes. I could see the battle raging in there. He wasn't sure if this was right, if I was ready.

But I _was_. I knew this. So I would have to show him just how _ready_ I was.

I spread my legs and put on what I hoped was a sexy grin and grabbed Edward's hand. "I'm so wet for you, Edward," I moaned placing his hand on my dripping wet underwear.

Edward groaned loudly, and in that instant, I could see the battle had been won and that _I_ was the winner.

His hand cupped me and his palm ground down on my aching clit. I yelped and arched my back.

I felt his fingers circle around my nub teasingly, and I hissed in desperation. I needed more, and I needed more, _now_.

I reached my hands down and tugged at the hem of my panties, Edward chuckled but helped pull them down the rest of the way. He tossed them to the floor and stroked the skin of my thigh all the way up to my pussy, letting his thumb graze over my bundle of nerves gently.

"Fuck, Bella, you're so wet," Edward moaned as his lips attacked my neck.

As his fingers grazed over my dripping center, I thrust upwards, causing his finger to slip into me. I felt him stiffen momentarily until I moaned out his name when his finger twitched inside of me.

"Oh shit… yes… Edward," I called out, already frantically close to my release.

He began pumping two fingers in and out of me and rubbing his thumb over my clit as his mouth captured mine in a wild animalistic delicious kiss.

"God, Bella… you're so tight… so good… come for me, baby." And with that he ground his erection into my leg and made the most erotic noise I had ever heard. That was all it took to push me over the edge. My body trembled, and my legs quivered as I arched off the bed, coming violently all over Edward's amazing fingers.

As I lay spent on the bed, coming down from that amazing high, I watched as Edward brought his fingers up to his mouth and licked them clean. I moaned at the sight.

He crawled up between my legs, placing feather light kisses along the inside of them as he went. I propped myself up on my elbows as he gazed up at me from under his lashes as his tongue flicked out and slapped against my quivering bundle of nerves. I cried out in sheer ecstasy. Never had I felt anything quite like that before. It was so intense. It didn't escape me that, technically, I should know what this was like considering I'm sure we'd done it before. _Fucking booze!_ If I had just been sober enough to remember… well… _anything,_ really. You couldn't even begin to imagine the things I'd sacrifice to be able to remember the night we conceived our child. _Anything!_

I felt my orgasm build up in the pit of my stomach, and my walls began to clench. Edward hummed against my sensitive lips sending me spiraling into convulsions of pure bliss.

I felt, rather than saw, Edward as his hot ragged breath fanned out across my face. As the blurriness subsided and he came into focus, I couldn't miss the look of desire and love in his eyes.

My insides turned to mush with just one look. "Are you sure?" Edward whispered as he positioned himself at my entrance.

"Uh huh," I moaned and wiggled my hips, a little too anxious to feel him inside me.

He kissed me passionately as I felt him slide into me, the most delicious sounds escaping his lips and vibrating around in my mouth.

As his pace quickened, I cried out his name and gripped his shoulders as he plunged into me over and over again.

"Unggg… Fuck, Bella, you're so tight," Edward groaned and maneuvered his hand so he was now pinching and flicking at my swollen clit.

I could feel him pulsing inside of me and knew he must be close to his own release. So, I took one long ragged breath and let myself go, allowing myself to feel everything he was doing to my body. His body that was so intimately connected to mine in a way that would forever bind us together. We fit so perfectly, like two pieces of a very jagged puzzle that, once put together, made a glorious little picture.

Edward grunted above me as sweat glistened on his forehead and on his chest. Was it sick that I wanted desperately to lick it off of him?

"Harder, Edward, please. I'm so close," I panted as my walls began to clench fiercely around his cock.

I wrapped my legs around him the best I could and gripped my fingers into his hair as my breathing quickened. His moans and grunts against my ear were driving me mad as my orgasm approached quickly.

My stomach twisted, and my legs trembled at his sides as my insides exploded into amazing little specks of blue and black and red.

I vaguely heard Edward grunt out my name before he collapsed on me with one arm to his side trying to keep his weight off of my tummy.

"I love you, Isabella Marie Swan," he whispered fervently as he rolled to his side and pulled me into his arms.

"I love you, too," I murmured as I fell asleep feeling secure and warm and loved.

**Was that hot or what?**

**Told ya to have faith in these two.**

**I tried to reply to all reviews last chapter. Hopefully, I didn't miss any.**

**Reviews, this time, will be replied to in the form of teasers.**

**I hope all you wonderful mothers out there had an amazing mother's day full of being pampered and sweet hugs and kisses from your 'lil ones.**

**My youngest kept saying 'Happy Birthday, Mommy'. It was too cute :-P**


	24. Whom to Trust

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**Whom to trust? ~**

**BPOV**

I knew today was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. I could see it already, the smug look on Jessica Stanley's face; the evil glint in Lauren Mallory's eyes as the two of them spread the most vicious rumors around the entire school. Some might be true, but most would be outright bullshit; and it petrified me.

I was determined to finish up school. I mean, come on, I only had just over five months left before graduation, if I kept my grades up high enough and did some extra credit work, I would still manage to graduate with good enough grades, even though I would likely miss the last two months of school. I would definitely have to come back and do those god-awful fucking exams, but aside from that, I thought I had it all pretty well figured out.

I was jarred from my thoughts by the sound of a car horn going off. I looked out my window in time to see Edward jump from his car and jog up the drive.

I made my way downstairs and opened the door just as he was about to knock. I smiled and flung my arms around him. It felt so good, so right.

He was perfect and made me feel worth so much more in his tight, comforting embrace.

"Hmm… I missed you. How are you feeling?" he questioned softly, while nuzzling his face into my hair and resting his head on my shoulder.

I sighed. The feeling of his fingers dancing lazily down my back was so relaxing.

"I'm doing good… I mean, _we're_ doing good," I corrected myself, reaching down and rubbing my swollen belly.

He immediately pulled away from me and lowered himself down onto his knees, placing his head against my belly and smiling into it. "And how is my beautiful, perfect baby doing this fine morning?" he said into my belly button.

I giggled. He looked to cute talking to my belly, as if he might, one day, get a response. But still, I loved it; I loved him. It was such a perfect moment it almost scared the shit out of me.

What was it I had learned over the years?

Oh yeah… when things are going really good and I mean _really_ fucking good… Brace yourself, 'cause the shit's about to hit the fan. Nothing ever stays good for long.

It was kind of a fucking depressing way to think, but it had kept me sane over the years. Always expecting the worst; and when something a little better than the worst, or maybe even something great happens, you truly cherished that shit, 'cause it came all too sparingly.

I smiled down at Edward, reveling in the feeling of his sweet, warm breath against my stomach. "I love you," I whispered, and I truly meant that shit. I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. I could only pray to whomever might be listening up there in that big hotel in the sky to let him stay just for a bit longer, let me be happy just this once, just a little while longer.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

We arrived at the school minutes later because Edward drove like a fucking maniac. I had to take a few deep breaths and hold the door for a moment longer than necessary to try and steady my shaky legs enough to walk. Edward snaked his arm around my waist and held me up against him protectively.

"Don't worry; it's going to be okay. I promise," he whispered fiercely as he closed the door for me.

I wasn't blind or naïve. I knew everyone was staring at us, or likely just me. I could hear the whispers.

_"Where has she been?"_

_"Oh my God, look, she's pregnant"_

_"Who do you think the father is? Definitely not Cullen. He's too dreamy to be with the likes of her."_

_"He's probably just trying to be nice and help the pregnant girl out." _I stumbled a bit at that last comment and felt sick to my stomach.

I looked up at Edward as I felt the contents of my stomach rise in my throat.

I scrambled towards the nearest garbage can and threw up violently into it, letting the tears of embarrassment wash freely down my face.

Edward was so sweet. He stood behind me, looking kinda shocked, but held my hair back from my face and rubbed my back soothingly as I retched into the vile can. I felt stupid and humiliated, but I guess those kind of emotions were normal for an eighteen year old pregnant girl with seriously fucked up mental issues. So, I shrugged it off and swiped the corner of my mouth and looked up sheepishly at a gaping Edward.

Concern filled his beautiful eyes as he helped me up and offered me a napkin. I smiled a tight tiny smile. "Thank you. You didn't have to wait with me, though." I felt kind of fucking needy having him hold me there during such a personal and embarrassing moment.

"Of course I would stay, silly. Your pain is my pain. You know, you didn't exactly get yourself pregnant. So why should you have to endure that on your own?"

_Huh!_

I looked off down the hall, a feeling of awe and respect now flooding through me for this wonderful man at my side.

After I had washed up in the girl's room, he kissed me tenderly on the lips before leaving me at my first period class.

I paid close attention to the teacher's lecture, hoping that with my measly home schooling I hadn't fallen too far behind. I took meticulous notes and asked a ton of questions if the teacher went over something I was unsure of. All in all… it was a pretty good class.

I took my time packing up after class. I had an irritating pain in my lower back which slowed me down and made me painfully aware of every single movement I made.

The halls were pretty empty as I made my way to English, for which I was pretty fucking grateful. The stares and the whispers were really starting to get to me. As I was about to round the corner to my class, I stopped dead in my tracks as voices wafted from the hall.

I cocked my head to the side trying to hear what they were saying a bit more clearly the second I heard my name.

I knew it was Edward, but who was he talking to?

"Give me a break, Edward. You know she's no good for you. What happened to us? Don't you miss me?" It was Lauren fucking Mallory. I saw red. How dare she fucking hit on my man, knowing he was mine and that I was pregnant? That fucking whore!

I only caught bits and pieces of Edward's reply. He seemed to be speaking in a very low, harsh voice. I prayed he was telling her to go fuck herself.

"What? What did I do?" Lauren whined. I had to grab hold of the wall to restrain myself from running over there and fucking beating her perfect, fake, made in the USA face in.

"It was just the truth; everyone knows the baby can't be yours. You're just like way too damn good looking to be with someone like her, who's just, so like, plain." I heard her smack her lips and grimaced as I pictured her fucking smiling like a goddamn Cheshire cat, all smug and shit.

She was right, though. Edward was gorgeous, God-like, sweet, kind, popular, perfect; and I was just plain old boring, fucked up mental case Bella, who now had herself nicely knocked up and big, round, and fucking fat to top it all off.

I flinched as she giggled and slowly slid down the wall, tears prickling at my eyes as the truth of her words hit me square in the chest, ripping at my already scarred heart and causing me to gasp in pain.

"Like come on, she was probably like drunk and falling all over the place and jumped all over the first drunken dick that would give her the time of day, poor little bastard child." She sounded so fucking sure of herself and so damn smug.

I heard Edward roar out a string of profanities, followed by a small little gasp from Lauren.

"How fucking dare you? You stupid bitch. That baby is Edward's, and he loves Bella. If anyone is a whore, it's _you_, you fake piece of shit." It was Alice, and she sounded pissed. I wasn't used to hearing her tiny little innocent voice say such vile words. It sounded so wrong, but made a tiny smile lift at the corner of my lips, none the less. She was defending me.

I heard a loud thud and a strangled cry follow, then a long silence before I could vaguely make out the sounds of footsteps retreating down the hall.

I sat there for a moment longer trying to pull my sorry ass together.

As I shuffled around the corner, I gasped in shock. Lauren fucking Mallory, herself ,was still sitting there in the middle of the hall looking all shocked and shit, tears streaming down her face, blood dripping down the hand she had covering her face.

I don't know what came over me then, maybe some motherly bullshit instinct. I'm not sure. But before I had a chance to think about it, I went over to her and held my hand out to help her off the floor. She looked up at me in bewilderment, clearly not trusting my motives.

I smiled weakly at her. "Come on, let's get you to the nurse before you make a mess of your obscenely expensive shirt." I chuckled. Even when I was trying to be nice I couldn't help but make a jab at her. Really, she fucking deserved it after everything she had just said about me. Right!

The rest of my day went by pretty uneventful, neither Edward nor Alice mentioned the confrontation in the hall at lunch. I wasn't sure why but decided not to pry, yet. I fully intended to find out what the fuck happened when school let out.

It seemed I wouldn't have to wait that long after all; I got called into the office during P.E and was greeted by a grimacing Edward and a forlorn looking Alice.

Poor Alice, I don't think she had ever set foot in the principal's office for anything other than helping, and here she now sat looking all scared and foreign, waiting for her punishment like a brave little solider.

I made my way over to her and pulled her into my arms, just trying to comfort her and show her silently how much I appreciated her going all 'She Ra' on Lauren's ass for me.

The principal went easy on Edward and I, because, really, neither of us did anything; but Alice was a different story. She had been the one to hit Lauren.

"I'm so sorry to do this to you, Alice. You have a very good reputation here and are so close to graduating, but I just can't let something like this slide. I'm going to have to expel you."

Edward and I let out a collective gasp. Alice squeaked a little while tears pooled in her eyes. I saw her nod her head bravely as she rose from her chair. "I'm so sorry to have disappointed you. I will be able to enroll in summer school to graduate, correct?" she asked in a meager but determined voice.

I stared in amazement at the girl… no woman, that stood before me. Taking her punishment with her head still held high.

"Yes, of course, Miss Cullen. I have already spoken with your parents. They agree that would be best, as well."

"I see. Well, I guess I should get home and talk with them, then. I am sure they have a lot of questions for me." With that she spun on her heel and gracefully left the room.

Edward motioned for me to leave with him as well. I heaved my heavy ass out of the chair and smiled meekly at the principal as I took Edward's hand and left the office.

It was times like this I wished Emmett were still in school. He could have scared the shit out of Lauren so bad she never would have squealed on Alice. But, unfortunately, he, Rosalie, and Jasper had graduated last year; and Emmett and Rosalie had taken off to travel and see the wonders of the world before settling down at college next year.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Apparently, Alice wasn't going to let something as tiny as an expulsion get her down; and after Carlisle and Esme surprised the shit out of me by not reprimanding but instead pretty close to congratulating Alice on her little moment of victory, she had sat down with her parents and told them she fully intended to go to summer school and get her last credits and graduate with the rest of us.

Back to expulsion not slowing Alice down.

Alice had called me over last night, all giddy and shit, claiming something along the lines of drinking too much coffee with way too much fucking sugar in it. Of course, that so sounded like Alice. So, I thought nothing of it as she invited me over for some 'girls only time' with her and her mom.

I walked into the house to find not just Alice bouncing around like a pixie on speed, but Esme as well. I looked at them both apprehensively as I caught that familiar gleam in Alice's eye that told me she was up to no good.

"What? What have you two done?" I scoffed, rolling my eyes and mentally preparing myself for some sort of Bella Barbie makeover session, or some scary ass shit close to it.

A torturous image flashed in my head of me with tons of bright blue and red make up all over my face, pig tails in my hair held by little tiny pink bows, and me wearing a tutu or some shit. I shuddered and squinted my eyes at Alice as she slowly crept closer to me.

"Bella, we um... kind of have a surprise for you. Well, you and Edward, really, but we wanted to show you first before Edward gets back with Dad from the supermarket." The way she explained this made me feel like a little child being coaxed away from the sand box or some shit with promises of a red lollipop for obedience.

I quirked my brow at her, anxious as hell about what the two of them could have in store for me, but sighed and relented a little as I took in their animated and eminent expressions. Whatever they had done, they had done to please me.

"Okay," I conceded, "Lead me to the lion's den." Alice rolled her eyes at me but bounced merrily to my side, while Esme walked ahead of us, up the stairs, snickering quietly.

As we reached the upstairs landing, I felt Alice's tiny hands slip over my eyes and squealed in surprise.

"What are you doing, Alice?"

"Shh, it's a surprise; we're almost there, so hold on to your panties." She giggled.

"You're just going to love it. I know it," she sing-songed in my ear.

I couldn't help the smile that broke out on my face; her excitement was contagious. Also, it helped that I was currently high off the remnants of it that she seemed to have left wafting around her.

I heard Esme open a door, and Alice ushered me in. The bright light kind of blinded me for a moment before my eyes adjusted to the brightly lit room, and I damn near choked on my own saliva as I took in the room before me.

I gaped and gasped, "Oh my God," as I stood wavering in the doorway completely abashed and feeling like a complete ass for being such a jerk to Alice earlier.

"See, I told you she'd like it," I heard Alice chirp at my side proudly as a huge grin plastered on my face. I turned to Esme and Alice with tears stinging my eyes.

"I don't know what to say, you two are so… amazing. Thank you." I sniffled.

"You don't have to thank us, dear; it was our pleasure," Esme insisted earnestly.

I hugged her tightly before turning to Alice and smiling brightly. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I know, but you never have to worry about that, now do you? You're stuck with me for life."

I laughed. "I sure hope so."

I walked towards the mounds of baby items in the middle of the room, dressers, change tables, a crib, mobiles, diapers, strollers, a car seat, burp pads, breast pads, even a breast pump and tons and tons of cute little yellow and green and purple outfits. A small tear trickled down my cheek as I wondered in amazement how I had gotten so lucky. Edward, Alice, Esme, and even Carlisle, they were astonishing and very rare people in this world like them. So, how on earth had I just happened to have stumbled upon the greatest family in the world? And even more astoundingly, they loved me just the way I was and expected nothing from me in return.

As I stood there lost in my own thoughts, I noticed a bright pink bag sitting on top of one of the dressers. Curious as to what could be in the only bag that was in the room, I opened it up and peered inside. I chuckled as I pulled the out bright pink outfits, little hair barrettes and head bands. Cute little lacy booties and a pretty pink and yellow polka dot dress. The last thing I removed from the bag was a small piece of paper. I flipped it open and read it aloud.

'_Cause I'm positive you're having an adorable little girl. I couldn't help myself; my niece is going to look so cute in these. Xoxoxox Alice._

God, I loved that girl.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

"So, the school talent-show, huh?" I poked fun at Alice as I joined her at our lunch table.

"Yeah, I'm so excited. I can't wait. I get to sing in front of the entire school and talent scouts will be there too, did you know that?" she chattered excitedly.

I shook my head. "No, I didn't know that."

"Did Edward tell you he helped me pick the song I am going to sing?"

I shook my head again. He hadn't mentioned anything about the talent show. Until today I didn't even realize Alice was going to be in it. I kinda wondered how she had managed to be allowed to enter it, considering she had been expelled, but I didn't want to ruin her high, so I let it be, for now. I knew all too well how devious she could be, and when she set her mind on something, nothing ever got in her way.

"Well, he didn't really help me pick the song, he actually wrote it," she went on, staring at me intently and smiling like a fucking creepy jack 'o' lantern.

"Can I hear…"

"Sorry, I'm late, hon. I got held up in phys Ed," Edward interrupted me before I could ask to hear the song. I let it go figuring I could ask her later, before the talent show, about the mysterious song. I didn't even know Edward could write songs, much less ones someone was actually going to sing; and it must have been a good fucking song, too, if Alice was going to embarrass the shit out of herself singing it.

The remaining two days leading up to the talent show, I saw very little of Edward. He seemed pre-occupied with something, and when I did see him, he always seemed distant and slightly detached. Kind of like he was here, but not really here. It kind of freaked me out a bit, but when I asked Alice about it, she just brushed my worries off and spouted some shit about him being a little freaked out about the baby coming. I guess it made sense, but still, her reassurances did nothing to ease my panicked mind.

Had he changed his mind? Decided I wasn't worth the effort and that he didn't want the baby anymore?

Had he realized there was much better woman out there that he could have? Even worse, had he met one and that is where he had been these past few days, with her?

I started hyperventilating at the thought of Edward in another woman's arms, tears leaked down my face as I stumbled to the bathroom and locked the door behind me.

I stayed in the safety of the bathroom, fighting with myself internally and battling the aching pain that was growing in the pit of my stomach. I knew I was being irrational and letting my hormonal emotions get the best of me. Edward would never do that. He loved me, and our child. It had to be something else. Something entirely different.

I was just about to open the bathroom door ,when I heard Edward's hushed voice from in the bedroom.

_And you're sure she doesn't know?_

_I can't have her finding out, now._

_It has to be perfect._

_I know, I know._

_Okay._

_Yes._

_You know I love you, too._

_See you soon._

_Bye._

My heart lurched in my throat as his words tore at my breaking heart. I was right. Edward was cheating on me, planning on leaving me, or maybe staying with me out of pity, while he sneaked around with some tramp behind my back.

**How many of you just wanna break shit right about now? Or better yet, beat Bella with a stick?**

**Teasers will go out in review replies. IF, FF for once will allow review replies, which it has not been lately :-S**

**4 more chappies plus the epi to go, m'dears.**


	25. Infinite Rapture

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Review replying is still down, of course. I am giving you all this in lieu of replies. I hope this is worth the lack of my sweet words in a small Pm to you :-P**

**By the way, I just have to mention that you gals fucking rock. We are almost at 1000 reviews, which totally rocks!**

**Is it too much to ask for us to hit that remarkable milestone of 1000 reviews? Pweaaase, pretty pweaaase. **

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**Infinite Rapture ~**

**BPOV**

This couldn't be happening; it just couldn't be!

My heart thundered in my chest as my legs wobbled beneath my weight, threatening to give out any minute.

My mind swirled with thoughts… painful, angry, and torturous thoughts.

Who could he be cheating on me with? Was she pretty? Maybe she was blond… and tall, with never ending legs. She definitely wasn't fat and pregnant.

A low sob rose in my throat as I caressed my belly, thinking that must be it. I was big, fat, and pregnant… and now… Edward didn't want me 'cause of the disgusting, disproportioned image of me. And in all fairness, I was just that, _disgusting_. My time with this god-like perfect creature was up. I would lose him now.

My chest constricted painfully at the thought of waking every morning alone and falling asleep in cold sheets. To never feel his warm arms wrapped securely and lovingly around me… never kissing his soft luscious lips again.

I swayed dizzily as the pain of losing him consumed me.

Violent sobs wracked through my trembling form. I pressed my lips together and squeezed my eyes shut tightly, silently wishing I could turn back time and once again be the girl who could so easily hide her pain. But I wasn't that girl anymore, and this pain was so different from any I had ever felt before.

A traitorous moan of agony escaped past my lips.

"Bella! Is that you?" My breath cut short. Oh, shit. He heard me. I stood frozen with bated breath until I heard his footsteps approaching the door. I quickly scampered to the adjoining door and flung it open to find a startled looking Alice and an extremely frustrated looking Jasper in a very compromising position.

I hunched over, shielding my eyes as much from Alice's risqué activities as to hide my tear stained face. I couldn't deal with Alice and her incessant questioning now. "Sorry, so sorry," I choked out and dashed towards the door, down the stairs, and out the front door. I didn't dare look back nor did I halt my pathetic little gallop until I could vaguely make out my house at the end of the block.

I sighed in relief when I saw that Charlie's car was not in the driveway. I needed some time alone, without my parents badgering me about why I was there. And really, I wouldn't blame them. Me showing up out of nowhere would seem a bit odd considering since I moved into Edward's parents', I had barely been back to the house but once… and that was only to grab a few books I had forgotten.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Three hours later, three heart-wrenching, tear-gushing, and book-slamming _hours_ later, I had it all figured out. I knew what I had to do, and even though it was not the most conventional way to deal with a cheating spouse, it was the only way I could see for me, and the only option I could live with right now. I was just too weak, desperate, and scared to contemplate any other way.

I slumped off my old bed and waddled down the hall to the bathroom and turned on the shower, turning the nozzle almost all the way left, to insanely hot.

I basked in the furious scalding water and let it wash away the pain that had devoured my heart and soul.

"I can do this. I _will_ do this, for you," I murmured while rubbing my swollen belly.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

"Bella, where the hell were you? You scared the crap out of me, love," Edward bellowed, his brows furrowed together, and his long lithe fingers dancing through his hair.

"I… uh… had to… get something from my parents' house?" I stuttered and held up the giant photo album in my hand to show him I had indeed gone there.

Edward sighed heavily,."Next time, just, please tell me. I was worried sick." Edward pulled me into his arms and caressed my back with his soft fingers. It took every ounce of strength in me not to break down right then and there; and I would have… but just in that moment my little baby kicked my ribs. Effectively reminding me that I was not the only person I had to think about right now. I had to ensure my child the best future possible. And by God, if that meant that I'd be staying with the man my heart belonged to and who had crushed it into a million pieces just mere hours ago so my child could be happy… Well, I'd _gladly_ sacrifice my heart for her happiness in a heartbeat.

I apologized again and gave him the biggest smile I could muster up before telling him I was beat and needed to lay down.

I had hoped he would stay downstairs and go about his day, but instead, he followed me upstairs, tucked me in, and hummed to me while running his fingers through the nape of my hairline.

I had to remind myself at least three times that I shouldn't be enjoying the feeling of him touching me and that he was a cheating, lying, devious bastard, before I finally succumbed to a glorious much-needed sleep.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

I woke up to a pitch-black room and the sound of Edward breathing softly in my hair. I squinted at the alarm clock; it was only five AM. I groaned and wiggled out of Edward's grasp and padded into the bathroom. Once I relieved my insanely full bladder and cleaned up, I went downstairs in hunt of something to tame the lion in my belly.

A bowl of cereal, a fruit yogurt cup, and two pieces of toast later, the beast was finally satiated; and I hummed in contentment as the thrashing in my belly stilled. _Aww, __much better._

I rinsed my dishes and started getting my shit together for school. I stopped midway and planted my hand on my chubby hip. There was something I was supposed to remember about today, but I couldn't quite place it. I worried for a moment that I might have an appointment to do with the baby, but quickly dismissed that idea. Surely, Edward would have mentioned something last night. He was insanely diligent about those kinds of things.

I pulled my planner out of my bag, hastily, and flipped it open to today's date; and holy shit, I damn near fell off my chair.

My breathing sped up, my heartbeat doubled, and my fingers trembled as they ghosted across the bold black letters.

Shit! How could I have forgotten? Oh yeah, it probably had something to do with the fact that I just recently found out the love of my life, the father of my un-born child, and the man I have spent months idolizing is nothing but a fake, cheating bastard. Yep, that might be why it slipped my scattered mind that today was the worst day possible for someone in my position-if there were other people actually ever in my position. Valentine's Day!

I clenched my fist tightly and inhaled raggedly and deep. If I were going to live up to the pretense that I knew nothing about Edward's indiscretions, I would have to suck up the measly amount of pride I had left and go out and get Edward a present.

Before my brain had the chance to begin battling once again with my heart, I scribbled a note about having to pick some shit up before school and that I'd meet everyone there and headed out into the cold morning in search of the perfect gift for my perfect, cheating boyfriend.

**EPOV**

"Thanks, Alice. I could never have pulled any of this off without you."

"You're very welcome, my Eddie, dear," Alice chimed as she danced in front of me, mouthing the lyrics and practicing some little silly moves she was apparently going to integrate into her little performance. I couldn't help but chuckle, despite my sour mood. She was such a drama queen, and it looked all too hysterical.

Bella had been acting oddly these past few days, and it was starting to worry me. Maybe she had changed her mind and decided someone as fucked up as me didn't deserve her love. Maybe she had somehow found out about my past and hated me for not telling her. Hell, maybe she had found someone better than my sorry ass and was out seeing him right this very minute. While I stood, staring blankly at my bouncing pixie sister, planning the single greatest, life-altering, sweetest thing I had ever done in my life; and moreover, the scariest fucking thing I have ever done, as well.

"Well, come on, Casanova, it's time to get this show on the road," Alice chirped while swatting my ass and grinning like a mad woman as she pranced out the door.

A few deep, intense, shuddering breaths later, I walked calmly out the front door towards what I hoped would be my future.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

"Okay, boys and girls, if you could quiet down now. It is time to begin," the music teacher, Ms. Cable, sang into the microphone.

The auditorium slowly quieted as the lights began to dim and soft music began to flow throughout the vast room, bouncing from wall to wall.

I peeked around the curtain from back stage and scanned the room until I located Bella, sitting in the far corner with Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Esme and Carlisle. I knew why Emmett and Rosalie had come home; they wanted to be there for me, not to mention Alice had threatened them with but an inch of their lives if they missed her big moment. But for some reason, I was still surprised to see them actually here.

I, somehow, managed to tangle my already rat nest-like hair even more while listening to Jessica and Lauren prance about on stage. They were in next to no clothes and lip-syncing to Christina Aguilera's – Dirty. Then, I damn near crapped my pants when Mike Newton came staggering on to the stage, in what I suppose was meant to look like a gangster; but barely managed to look like a Halloween costume of one. He was jerking his hands, claw like, in front of his face and grinding all up on Lauren and Jessica's barely covered booties.

I had calmed down a bit by the time they were done and was actually enjoying Angela and the rest of the drama clubs' crazy performance. They flailed their arms all over the place wearing bright sheer clothing that looked like that of a harem's. Some were snapping ribbons of all colors throughout the air and chanting about the earth or some shit. Like I said, quite amusing to watch.

I barely paid attention to the next few acts and could feel the muscles in my stomach coiling as I knew our turn was nearing.

"You ready, tiger?" Alice asked, smiling reassuringly at me and squeezing my shoulder harder than someone of her size should be able to. I winced, nodded, and hung my head in between my legs trying to calm my jumping nerves.

I stood on shaky legs just as the audience began to applaud, tentatively reaching my hand into my pocket and fingering the tiny object, finding that action surprisingly soothing.

"Now lastly, we have a very special surprise for you all. Alice Cullen is visiting us today and will be singing a song written by her brother, Edward, while Edward will be playing the piano to his own composition for the song."

Spotlights flicked on near both entrances of the stage. I watched as Alice glided gracefully across the floor, the first spot light following her every move. I took one last shaky breath and plastered on the best smile I could muster up and walked out onto the stage, waving nervously and blinking rapidly as the bright light assaulted my vision.

Alice was already perched up seductively on my piano when I reached the bench and sat down, relieving my very wobbly legs.

Alice smiled reassuringly at me as she grabbed the mic off the piano and cleared her throat before switching it on.

I closed my eyes and pictured Bella's beautiful smile as my fingers ghosted across the keys as if this were second nature to me. The melody played sinfully in my mind as the beautiful notes flew from the baby grand beneath my fingers.

Alice began humming in tune with the music, and within seconds, I was lost in the beautiful expressive words I had spent so many restless nights agonizing over.

**BPOV**

I sat in the back row, squashed between Emmet and Jasper, as Alice's soft, timid voice floated throughout the room.

_Wake up to a sunny day_

_not a cloud up in the sky,_

_and then it starts to rain_

_My defenses hit the ground, and they shatter all around. So open and exposed._

The melody picked up slightly, riveting my attention to Edward.

_I found strength in the struggle. Face to face with my trouble._

As Alice broke out into the chorus; or at least what I assumed was the chorus, her voice rose a few octaves higher and her demeanor changed from that of a tortured soul to one of someone struggling to gain control. Her hands clenched tightly at her sides, and she raised them to her chest, clamping her eyes shut and storming across the stage with a look of pure determination on her delicate features.

_When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're trying, but you can't hold on anymore._

_Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken._

_Little girl don't be so blue, I know what you're going through. Don't let it beat you up. Hitting walls and getting scars only makes you who you are...only makes you who you are._

A hysterical chuckle of sorts slipped past my lips causing Jasper to look at me in bewilderment. I just shrugged and continued my little trip down memory lane. The words brought me back to a time when my mother was still just that, a mother. She had said something so very similar to me the second time I was admitted to the hospital for stitches. I could still here her voice ringing in my ears just as clear as if it were yesterday. _"You know, Bella, all these scars only show what kind of person you are. Clumsy yes, but brave and strong, as well."_

_No matter how much your heart is aching, there is beauty in the breaking...yeeeaaaahhh_

My whole body shuddered as a solitary tear slid out from beneath my clamped lids. This song… it just hit so close to home and made me feel as if Alice were singing to me and me alone. I knew that was preposterous, but still, I couldn't shake the feeling that this song, this beautiful heart wrenching song, was somehow connected to me.

_When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're trying, but you can't hold on anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken._

Alice's voice shifted once again to a deeper more sturdy sound as she belted out the remainder of the song. Smiling out into the crowd and bouncing around the stage like a ball of energy.

_Better days are gonna find you once again every piece will find its place!_

_When you're broken…_

_When you're broken…._

_When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're trying, but you can't hold on anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken._

_Oh when you're broken….._

_When you're broken…._

_When you're broken…._

The last few lines Alice almost whispered out in a shaky, scared voice, while staring directly at me as a fat tear fell from her glistening eyes.

Murmurs erupted throughout the room, people chancing glances at me and pointing, causing me to squirm under the scrutiny or their intense gazes.

I slowly rose from my seat, hoping to sneak out as unnoticed as possible, when Alice began thanking everyone for their support.

I had just finally made it past Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle, and was about to bound up the remaining stretch of aisle to the safety of the outdoors when a bright blinding light stopped me dead in my tracks.

I stood rigidly, not daring to move, until Edward's melodic, shaky voice rang out through the room.

"I wrote this song for someone very special to me, someone who took my world and turned it upside down. Sadly enough, that was what it took to make me see that the path I was stumbling down was one that would only lead me to a life of solitude and many unforgivable mistakes. This amazing woman saw me for who I truly was. She saw past the carefully built façade which I allowed the world to see and called me on my shit when I tried to flip things around on her."

I slowly turned, still staring at the floor warily, only daring a small, timid peek at Edward from under my lashes. He was staring right at me with such intensity in burned through to my soul.

Edward inhaled a loud deep breath before continuing." Although our path has been anything besides easy, it has continuously lead us to each other. Fate being a rather cunning girl and raising the stakes a few months ago when we found out she was pregnant with my child. But even through all that, we still stand in a united front, using each other as the other's rock."

Edward jumped off the front of the stage and slowly began walking towards me. I took a few timid steps back and bumped into something warm and hard. I yelped and spun around to find Emmett leering at me in amusement as he blocked the only exit available to me.

I pleaded silently with him with my eyes, begging him to save me from whatever humility was to come, but he just shook his head and crossed his arms firmly across his chest. I groaned and turned once again to face Edward who was now a mere few feet away from me.

"These past few days have been rather strained on both our parts. Mine because I was busy planning this event secretly with my sister." Edward winked and blew a kiss towards a vibrating Alice, and his words came crashing all around me, 'secretly planning with his sister'… Edward's phone call the other day… he hadn't been talking to his mistress… he had been talking to… _Alice_.

I gasped audibly, and Edward eyed me cautiously before closing the small gap between us and placing his warm trembling hand on my arm.

"Bella, I am so sorry for being so distant these past few days. I never meant to make you feel unwanted or ignored. So if I did, I am truly, very sorry." I nodded mutely, tears thickening on my brims, threatening to fall over any moment.

"Isabella Marie Swan, since the moment I met you, you have made my world a more interesting place. A place I actually wanted to be in. A place I finally felt I needed to be in. Every day you bring a smile to my face and make me want to spend my whole day, every day, doing nothing but bringing smiles to yours. Not long ago, you gave me what I will always consider the world's most precious gift, your love!" His hand slid down to my prominent belly and stroked it lovingly. "And now you are also giving me the greatest gift of all, a child. _Our_ child… And even though I know you have given me much more than I had ever thought possible, I still stand here today to ask you for one last thing." Edward's voice trembled slightly, he looked me directly in the eyes as his chin began quivering, and he slowly lowered himself to the floor. My breath caught in my throat, and my hand flew up to cover my gaping mouth, as Edward perched on one knee, looking up at me from under his lashes, his eyes brimming with love and all bright and watery with his smile huge and glorious. "Bella, would you do me the great honor of being my best friend, my partner in crime, the love of my life, and above all else, my always treasured wife?"

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**To all readers: please be gentle when you frantically try to click the "review chapter" button; I know the emotions stirred while reading this chapter are heavy and hard hitting, but please don't take it out on the button. Leave all your love in the review. Please, try to keep the molestation of your computer in moderation."**

**Of course, as always, I will TRY to reply to you all with teasers, if FF let's me :-S**


	26. The Arrival

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Hugs and bewbie gropes to all you amazing gals out there, and for those of you who are too shy for that type of shit, you can skip the groping and settle in for this monster. I hope you enjoy it!**

******~∞Ѿ∞~**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**The arrival~**

**BPOV**

I knew Edward was waiting for me to say something. Anything! But my eyes were flooded with tears, and my throat was constricting painfully with emotion, preventing any sound but my muffled sobs from escaping my trembling lips.

I was elated. He hadn't cheated on me. I was petrified; people were staring at me, hundreds of people. I was nervous, excited, scared, joyous, and _surprised_…

I felt Edward's warm fingers entwine with my own clammy ones.

I looked down at him through the blur of tears. The look of sheer terror mixed with rapture and complete unyielding love and adoration in his eyes caused my heart to hammer impossibly faster. My eyes then flickered towards the tiny sparkling diamond ring he held in his hand.

Stuttering and spluttering like a fucking fool, I swiped at my running nose and sniffled loudly.

The baby began kicking aggressively as if trying to tell me to smarten the fuck up and say something.

My head bobbed on its own accord as wild, hysterical giggles slipped out of my barely parted lips.

The most magnificent smile broke out on Edward's face as he jumped up and slowly slid the sparkling ring on my finger. Kissing it as it slid in place, he gently cupped my face and looked deep into my eyes. "I must be luckiest man to have walked this earth." I whimpered softly and flung myself into his arms, my lips crashing with his in a fierce territorial elated kind of kiss. _Mine!_

All I could think of was that… Edward was _mine_; he _wanted_ to be mine, and no one else's. Forever!

As we broke apart, I finally realized we had the whole auditorium staring at us in awe, some sniffling, some gaping, and some even scowling. But above all else, most were smiling happily with trails of tears on their cheeks.

My glazed eyes landed on Alice as my vision became clearer. She winked at me and mouthed an 'I love you' before bounding up the aisle and jumping into Jasper's waiting arms.

I turned to face Edward, only to find a tearful Esme, smiling widely at me. "Oh, Bella, I am so happy for the both of you," she gushed, pulling me tightly into her arms. Her happiness filled my body with a true welcoming warmth, one I desperately needed to feel. "I just know the three of you are going to make a fabulous little family. It was just meant to be." She smirked at me then, with a little devious glint in her eyes.

I wondered silently if she had known this was coming… or if she was just pleased that her son was finally becoming the man she had always said he would be? Either way, it didn't matter. All that mattered to me was… Edward loved me and wanted to be with me, _forever_. And to make the icing on the cake even sweeter, all of our friends and family were with us to share this glorious life altering moment. I had never been happier or more content than I was in this very moment. I silently thanked whatever god there was for finally bestowing the kind of happiness I had only read about upon me and promised to never, ever, take advantage of it, and always nurture and work for it.

"So, _fiancée_, I have a bit of a surprise for you. Mind joining me outside?" Edward whispered, his hot breath ghosting across my cheek and causing tingles to shoot up my spine. I decided not to react to him calling me his 'fiancée'. However, later when we were alone, I'd let him know how much I adored my new title, and the way his lips moved when he said it melted me in ways unmentionable.

After grabbing our coats, we walked out the front door, hand in hand, to find a gorgeous horse pulling a buggy waiting in the parking lot with a huge banner across the back of it that read, "You've made me the happiest man alive." Tears rushed out of my eyes once again, causing me to hiccup and throw my arms around his shoulders, peppering his face with sloppy, tear-covered kisses.

Edward chuckled and pulled me back and looked directly into my eyes. "I love you," he whispered against my lips before kissing me with a passion that left me weak in the knees and all of a sudden wishing we were somewhere more private.

We rode along the snow covered streets. It was nice to see snow. We didn't get it too often, and it never lasted long.

"Are you going to tell me where we are going?" I asked softly as I snuggled into Edward's arms.

"Now why would I do that?" Edward chuckled. "It's a surprise, silly." I groaned audibly. He knew how much I hated surprises, but decided I'd leave it be this one time. I mean really, he had just made me the luckiest fucking girl on the planet; the least I could do was placate him just this once.

We rode for quite some time in silence, just taking in all the hidden beauty that Forks had to offer. I wasn't sure if it was the light sheen of snow covering everything or the fact the Edward was with me to share it all that made it all so damn breathtaking.

As the carriage hit the edge of town, I began to worry. Where could he be taking me? Surely he wouldn't travel with me too far in this chilly weather in nothing but a jacket. My worries were quickly quelled when the carriage came to a halt just moments later along the tree covered back roads in the middle of nowhere. I quirked an eyebrow questioningly at him, but he just smiled and hopped out of the carriage, holding his hand out to help me out.

The first thing I noticed, once my feet hit the soft squishy ground, was a rather large sleigh perched on the side of the road with the craziest looking harness I had ever seen attached to it.

Edward led me towards the odd looking sleigh and motioned for me to get into it. He helped me lower my bulging body down into the sleigh onto the soft fluffy padding that lined the bottom of it. He gently pushed my shoulders back and smiled wickedly at me. With lightening fast speed he whipped out a small camera and took a picture of me. I grimaced at him, but broke into a fit of giggles seconds later when he stuck his bottom lip out like a little child saying, "But you look so damn cute. I want to revisit this memory many more times." Really, who could stay mad after that?

"Wh… what are we doing?" I stuttered out confused as I watched curiously as he lifted the insane looking harness and climbed under it.

He flashed me a brilliant smile. "I'm pulling you through the forest." He motioned with his hands to the strange contraption now secured around him. "To somewhere _extremely_ special to me."

I gasped and gaped at him. "You're gonna _what_? Are you fucking insane? I weigh a ton; you can't pull me through the forest. In a sleigh. With a harness!" I shrieked.

"Oh, but I can. And I will. Hell, I'm about to. Are you comfy?"

"Uh huh," was all I managed to squeak out before Edward jerked the sleigh forward, doing exactly what I had told him just moments before that he couldn't do. Pulling my whole weight by the harness that was wrapped around his lean waist.

As we slowly merged into the forest, I smiled widely as I realized no one had ever done something this amazing for me before. Edward was sure good at coming up with the most magnificent, mind blowing ideas. Who would have ever thought up something like this? Edward, that's who!

Just as I started to relax and enjoy the silent ride, Edward chuckled darkly and darted off to the left, yanking the sleigh and consequently enough, me along with it. He laughed boisterously, clearly amused with himself, as he picked up his speed and left me gasping as I sucked in a gust of cool air.

Seeing Edward so carefree and happy made my insides melt. It was too perfect and beautiful.

Just as I was about to ask Edward where it was he was taking me and what was in the huge sack he had slung over his shoulder, the trees gave way and opened into the meadow I remembered all too well. My breath hitched slightly when the black memories of the last time I had been in this meadow with Edward sprung forth in my mind. A time I would much sooner forget all together.

Edward smiled at me nervously as he came to a halt and began removing the makeshift harness.

"Mind if I join you?" Edward asked softly, fidgeting with the hem of his jacket and staring at the glimmering ground. I wasn't sure why Edward had brought me here, but I couldn't help but think it must have been to tell me something I wasn't sure I wanted to know. He was just too nervous, and nothing like the man he was just hours before when he had so romantically proposed to me in front of the whole school.

"What is it, Edward?" I asked softly, while taking his hand into mine and squeezing it gently as he plopped down beside me in the sleigh and lowered his head into his other hand.

I sat silently, waiting for Edward to speak, watching as he traced soft little patterns on the top of my hand with his chilly fingers. The feeling it was stirring in me was one of contentment, but something in the back of my head told me not to get too comfortable, and to stay guarded.

When Edward finally rose his head and his eyes met mine, I was taken aback to find that his once emerald colored eyes were now a shallow grey and brimming with tears. As a single tear skimmed his cheek, I felt my stomach churn and my heart begin to crumble.

I reached my hand up to wipe them away but Edward stopped me by grabbing my hand in his.

"Bella, you made me the happiest man alive today, just by agreeing to be my wife. But no matter how badly I want for this happiness to last, I also have to remember that I have been keeping a secret from you, a big secret. I can't bring myself to be completely happy until I know I have nothing hidden from you, because that is a horrible way to begin our future together." Edward's face looked so sad and lost as the words flew out of his mouth, quickly switching to that of complete and utter fear. Seeing him like this was tearing at my heart and making me want nothing more than to pull him into my arms and protect him from whatever it was that haunted him in this moment. From whatever secret he felt was so bad and big it caused his face to contour up into one of such pain.

"I know I should have told you this _before_ I proposed. Hell, I should have told you before we _even_ moved in together, but… I was so scared, Bella. So scared you would hate me or even just lose respect for me and never want anything to do with me again… and… and… I just couldn't bear that. I still can't, but I can't, in clear conscience, marry you _knowing_ I haven't been completely honest about my past with you."

Edward's heartfelt words tore at me.

My breathing hitched as I realized if Edward was about to open up to me completely, pour his heart out and share his life with me. I, _too_, would have to do the same. And that thought scared the fucking hell out of me. What if once he heard everything directly from my mouth, not written on a piece of paper, he would realize that I disgust him? Would he call off our engagement the same damn day he had proposed? Would he tell me it had all been my own fault? Would he look at me with pity? Or with revulsion?

I might be strong enough to deal with his rejection. I'd probably even understand why he wouldn't want to spend his life with someone who was nothing but 'tainted goods'. But the pain of seeing his face, his eyes with that look, the look of complete and utter repugnance; I knew there was nothing that would ever prepare me to see that look on his face, directed, this time, at me.

"Bella, I'm ready to tell you about Alicia," Edward rushed out, still staring at his fumbling hands.

Alicia! Well, I hadn't been expecting that one. I knew she was his ex and that she had gone missing when they were dating. But aside from that, I didn't realize there was much of a story to tell.

My heart fluttered in my chest. What if he told me he still harbored feelings for his long lost girlfriend? Maybe I was just his _second_ choice. A replacement for the woman he couldn't have, the one he lost. The one he _truly_ wanted.

Being brought together by fate or by any other spiritual belief was something I never thought would happen to me. But now, the thought of being torn apart by Edward, because he missed her so much that he felt it would destroy what we had become, tore me up inside.

As the baby kicked in my stomach, I'm sure due to my anxiety and the fact that my heart was now beating in double time, I sat there in the cold forest still feeling enchanted from the horse and buggy ride and this morning's events playing in my mind heavily. What could it be? How bad could it be?

Why had Edward filled my day with such wonderful and earth shattering moments, built my hopes up, and brought my dreams to reality only now to yank them right back from underneath me? Holding his hands and looking deep into his glistening eyes, I tried desperately to search for the answer. I took a deep breath and braced myself for what was about to happen as Edwards lips parted.

"My old therapist, she came across some information about Alicia. I'm not exactly sure how but she did. I know I should have told you sooner, but _honestly…_ I had to come to grips with it myself before I could even begin to help you understand it as well." I nodded letting him know I was listening, figuring it as best just to let him finish before I said anything.

"I'm not sure, exactly, of the things I've already told you about Alicia…" Edward prompted, slowly meeting my gaze.

"I don't really know much. I know she was your girlfriend…" I began hesitantly, not completely understanding the look in Edward's eyes, "and that she went missing one day when you two were together at the beach," I finished softly seeing the pain break through the odd look in his eyes and not wanting to be the one who brought it on.

"Yes, that's right," Edward began softly, slowly entwining our fingers together. "But there is quite a 'history' there as well, and that's probably the best place to start." Edward sighed deeply and looked away from me, leaving me with that sick sense of dread once again.

Edward continued to explain in torturously detailed descriptions his friendship leading to relationship with Alicia Volturi. He told me she was his first kiss and first love. He also explained that now he realized what they had shared may have started as a friendly love but ended in a love/hate kind of thing; which made him feel twice as guilty for her disappearance, and also caused him to constantly question love and its value and worth. He explained this was because she had always hurt him and gone out of her way to belittle him and make him feel like less of a man. I reached my trembling fingers out to him then, still maintaining my silence but giving his chilly fingers a slight squeeze for comfort, praying that it worked and that he wasn't about to tell me, he still doubted love, which would mean he doubted _our love._

He went on to tell me some of the god awful things that woman… that _bitch_ had done to him. He told me of her constant begging and pleading for sex and for him to lose his virginity to her, 'cause in her mind, it would be a way to prove he actually loved her. And when she finally gave up after he didn't cave to the constant pressure he found her fucking another guy. It baffled me that he still took her back after that. I couldn't understand why anyone would ever cheat on Edward to begin with, but even harder to understand was why Edward would put up with that shit.

With a look of shame he told me of the various acts of stupidity her behavior drove him to, such as doing drugs, drinking, and flirting shamelessly with anything with tits and two legs. And finally he told me what the last straw for him was. What had finally pushed my dear sweet Edward to his breaking point. She told him that she was pregnant with his child and that she hated him for forgetting their first time together even if he was slightly inebriated. I gasped in pain and shock to his confession. This meant he had lied to me. He told me he had been a virgin before we slept together. Not that it would have mattered to me whether he was or wasn't. I was far from pure myself. But that fact of the matter, what stung so damn fucking bad, was the fact he lied to me about it.

Without realizing what I was doing, I jumped up scaring the shit out of Edward in the process as he toppled over the side of the sled from my sudden movement.

I wanted to ask if he was okay, but the tears streaming down my face, the constant stabbing pain shooting through my chest, and his haunting confession of the worst of lies ringing in my ears stopped me.

I managed to get my fat ass out of the sleigh and stormed off towards the forest. Desperate to be away from him, away from the pain I was sure was about to crush me.

"Bella, Bella, wait!" Edward hollered in a cracked voice behind me. I never once looked back, just paid intense attention to the path in front of me, begging with gravity to let me make it through the forest in one piece.

"I said stop, Bella," Edward growled in a desperate tone as he grabbed roughly by my arm.

I cried out in pain as I felt his fingers dig into my arm, which caused him to immediately let me go and stare down at my now cradled arm in shock.

"I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to hurt you. Are you okay? Please, just let me finish. She lied, Bella, we never had sex! She wasn't pregnant with my child. It was someone else's."

The pain and desperation in Edward's voice cut through me like a piercing knife. The realization of what a fucking conclusion-jumping bitch I was came crashing around me and mixed with my overdriven hormones caused me to fall to my knees in a weeping mess of apologies.

I felt Edward's arms wrap around me tightly. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I should have let you finish. I shouldn't have come to my own conclusions. I should have trusted you wouldn't lie to me about something like that. I should have. Well, I should have a lot of things. But I'm so sorry either way. I understand if you can't forgive me, but still, I'm so sorry." The word vomit pathetic excuse of apologies and explanations poured from my mouth as salty tears mingled with it and pooled along my trembling lips.

Edward's silence was deafening, chilling me to the core. I could hear his deep uneven breaths right beside my ear, but couldn't bring myself to look up into his face, to see the pain and betrayal displayed there, plain as day and directed at me. I just couldn't.

I whimpered as I felt Edward's now freezing, wet fingers grip my chin and tilt it up so I was face to face with him. "You have nothing to apologize for, darling. I love you, and I am sorry I caused you pain. Even if it was unnecessary pain, I should have explained myself better before mentioning the pregnancy so there was no confusion and no guessing needed." I flung my arms around his shoulders and held on for dear life. Thanking God or whoever might be listening once again for Edward being such an amazing guy and being so fucking understanding and compassionate.

"Thank you, Edward. But I'm still sorry for blowing my shit. I don't know what came over me," I confessed, hoping he would just accept my apology and let me feel the shame and guilt for my irrational behavior.

"Fine, I forgive you. Even though I don't feel you have anything to apologize for. I still forgive you. Now, let's get you back in the sleigh and home. We can finish this conversation there, where it's warm and dry."

I nodded and smiled at him sheepishly. Standing on my tippy toes, I gave him an affectionate peck on the cheek and grabbed hold of his outreached hand.

We walked to the sleigh in silence, each of us holding insanely tight onto the other.

When we got back to the road, I was surprised to find Edward's car there waiting for us. "Alice!" Was all he said with a sheepish grin and a shrug.

We arrived back at the Cullen's to find the house completely empty. I was guessing they wanted us to have some time alone after Edward's proposal. I smiled softly thinking that was so very nice and Cullen-_ish_ of them. They truly were the perfect, most considerate and thoughtful family a person could ever dream of having.

We made our way upstairs and quickly got changed into some warm, dry clothing before Edward started up the fireplace in our room and motioned for me to join him on the couch. I curled up into his side as he wrapped his arms securely around me and let my eyes flutter closed in contentment. Nothing would ever feel better than being in Edward's warm, loving arms. Not ever.

We sat in companionable silence for what seemed like forever, watching the flames jump and swirl around each other, licking at the air and dropping back into the pit of the fire. It was surprisingly beautiful to watch. Like a dance of sorts, with bright red blotchy people swirling about in sharp intricate movements.

Edward groaned into my hair, breaking the silence and getting my attention.

"She's still alive, Bella." I swear in that very moment, my heart leapt to my throat and damn near smothered me. If she was alive, he wouldn't want to go back to her, would he? I mean, he said he would never. He'd said he never even really loved her, but would he feel obligated to? Guilted into going back to her? And what did he mean she was alive? There had been a death certificate, a funeral, Alice told me.

"I… I don't understand," I whispered softly, looking into his bright eyes and seeing the unshed tears glistening there.

"I didn't either, at first. But it seems her father, Aro, faked her death to sneak her away from Forks."

_Why the hell would someone fake someone's death… especially their own father?_

"Why?" I squeaked, not sure if I actually wanted to know as much as I just needed to.

"Apparently, Alicia had more secrets then I ever realized. She had one hell of a police record and evidently also a very severe case of 'bipolar syndrome'. The report I got from Dr. Hartley said that she had flipped out and killed a girl in Phoenix just because the girl said her boobs looked fake." I gasped and felt my eyes widen as he told me of the woman he loved and what he never knew she was. It was horrible, disgusting, and sad all in one. I wasn't sure if I should feel sorry for the girl or despise her for all the pain and agony she had put not just Edward, but apparently, many others through.

He told me that Alicia's father somehow got the charges dropped on the bases of 'temporary insanity', but that the courts demanded that she be admitted into a mental institute run by the government; not giving in to his compromise for a private one. He ventured a guess and decided that it was then that Aro had come up with his plan to fake his daughter's death.

"Wait! If he went to all that trouble to hide her away, how did you find out? How was it so easy for Dr. Hartley to get this information?" I asked skeptically.

"That's the thing. Apparently, it worked, but only for so long. Alicia apparently snapped one day and killed her home nurse that Aro had hired, thus, leading into an investigation and the authorities finding her and arresting Aro for falsifying a crime scene, among other things. He is in jail now, and she is finally where she belongs. In an accredited mental institution, getting the help she obviously needs."

We sat in each other's arms for a very long time, the flickering of the dying fire told me as much.

"What now?" I asked softly as a tear of pure dread slipped down my nose.

"Nothing, nothing now. I just wanted to be honest with you. That's it. That's all."

"Oh, Edward, you don't know how badly you frightened me," I cried, pulling him even closer to me and grasping his arms tightly with my hands.

"_Frightened_ you? Why would you be scared?" Edward asked softly.

"I thought… you might… want… I don't know… that you might want to go back to her."

"Never, Bella! You are my life, my love, my present and my future. I will never leave you. Never!"

I craned my neck and kissed him softly on his waiting lips. "Thank you for telling me. I know I have a lot to share with you as well, but I'm tired, baby, can we please go to bed," I asked softly, stifling a yawn.

Edward chuckled. "Of course, love. Let's get you all tucked in."

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

Weeks passed rather uneventfully. Edward and I had reached a whole new height in our relationship. It was different but perfect. We shared everything and held nothing back. We continued going to couples therapy, and surprisingly, it helped.

We talked more about Alicia in therapy, and I slowly began to understand just what an impact the whole ordeal with her had had on his upturned life. In fact, she seemed to be the cause of so many painful memories in his past, which ultimately led to more painful moments in his present. That is… until _now_.

Now, everything was out in the open and Edward had all the facts. He knew the truth, and together, as a couple, we decided to just let it go. I had worried for a moment that he may want to go and find her, but he quickly squelched that fear by taking my hand and assuring me that even now that he knew Alicia was still alive, all it did was put his mind and guilt at ease. He in no way wanted to resume any sort of relationship with her, not even as just friends.

We also spoke a lot about my past and Phil as well as Renee, and her part in it all. Also, about the relationship we were currently attempting to rebuild. I spoke of forgiveness and explained that I held no ill feelings towards my mother. I made sure both the therapist and Edward knew I was not simply pushing my feelings aside, but accepting that Renee had been in the wrong and there was no way around that. But that I also now understood the pain and struggle she, too, had gone through at the hands of Phil. Maybe she had not made the best choices, but she made the ones she thought best at the time, or the only ones available to her. It was in the past. I had forgiven her, and I now wanted to close that chapter of my life and move forward. Write another page… another beginning and another ending.

When I finally opened up enough to get right into the details of my past, to say Edward was shocked by my revelations of physical, mental and sexual abuse would be an understatement. At one point, he actually ran out of the room and retched violently just outside the door in the poor unsuspecting tree-bed that was there.

My stomach had lurched painfully when he returned to the room, slightly ashen with a blank unreadable look on his face. I immediately thought the worst and assumed that now that he knew just how broken I truly was, he would high-tail it out of here without a second glance back. But instead, he surprised the shit out of me by coming in the room and breaking down in tears on his knees with his head in my lap. Followed very closely by a rage-induced temper tantrum in which he took out his frustrations on a nearby table, the bookshelves, and even a pretty little crystalline ornament that our therapist had inherited from her dead great-grandfather. Yep, that was our last session by the way. Not to mention the most expensive one.

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

"Bella, honey, we're here." I was jarred from my revere by Edward's soft voice. I smiled as I looked over at him, his bright green eyes staring back at me, silently asking me if I was alright.

I nodded, "Yes, I'm fine. Just thinking, is all," I said, answering his unspoken question.

"Come on. Let's go see our little girl," I whispered, causing a huge smile to break out on my face.

Edward led me by the hand into the doctor's office and informed the receptionist we were here, while I found a cold, stiff plastic chair to plop my now twice-the-normal sized ass in.

We sat in comfortable silence waiting for our turn with the doctor. Edward continually ghosting his finger tips over the small piece of my belly that stuck out where my shirt ended, while I hummed in contentment at the feel of it.

"Bella Swan!" Edward popped up at the sound of my name being called and put a strong arm around my backside to help me out of the chair.

I waddled down the hallway thinking I would surely piss myself if the damn nurse in front of me didn't hurry the hell up already.

Don't get me wrong, the insanely full bladder, the uncomfortable fullness, the insatiable feeling of desperately needing to urinate, was so worth it. But that didn't stop the fact that it was indeed like walking around with an over-filled water balloon tucked in between my legs, just aching to burst and relieve itself from the immense pressure.

"Take everything but your underwear off please, Miss Swan," the nurse said, handing me a crunchy green open backed gown. "And put this on. The doctor will be with you in a moment." I nodded my understanding and closed the door behind her.

Edward, the ever helpful man that he was, had no issue what so ever with helping me undress, teasing my burning flesh the whole while by peppering soft kisses on each bit of new skin he uncovered.

"Great, Edward, now do I not only have a straining dam going on down there, but also a 'waterfall' of want, too. Thanks!" I hissed, slanting my eyes at him and trying to look upset with him even though I really wasn't.

Edward chuckled softly as he wrapped the cool green gown around my shoulders and tied it at the neck. "Here, let me help you on the table, my love," Edward said jokingly.

Just as I got my giant ass comfy, the door swung open and the doctor walked in smiling brightly at us.

"Are you ready to say hello to your baby?"

Were we ever? This was the first ultra sound Edward would be present for, and the excitement he was carrying with him was palpable and contagious to everyone near him.

"We sure are, Doc," Edward said in a loud, excited, child-like voice.

The doctor smiled at him and grabbed the bottle of cold jelly she was about to smear on my belly. "So, at this point we will be able to tell the sex. Would you like to know?" The doctor asked while rubbing the cold goo over my giant bulge, placing very unwanted pressure on my ready to pop bladder.

"Actually, Doc, umm… we already know," I stammered, clenching my teeth and my crotch simultaneously to hold the dam.

"Oh, well, okay then. Let's just take a look at how your little…."

"Girl," I interrupted her.

"Your little _girl_ is doing then, shall we?" she finished with an amused grin.

I watched Edward as he watched the screen in quiet rapture. The look on his face as his eyes danced about following the movements and drinking in every last detail was indescribable. It was almost like seeing a child watching his very first cartoon. Completely engrossed in what they were seeing and lost in the spectacle of it.

"And that little 'thump thump thump' is your little girl's heartbeat," the doctor informed us.

"It's so fast," I said nervously.

"Yes, but that's normal. No worries. Everything looks perfectly fine. She is a little on the smaller side, but her lungs seem to have developed just fine since you received the cortisone shots. All and all… it looks like you have one healthy little girl here."

The radiant, wistful smile that adorned Edward's face in that moment warmed my heart and soul. Never had I seen this glorious man so happy, and it was such a sweet, perfect experience. One I was infinitely ecstatic to be sharing with him.

"Looks like your due date could be a bit sooner than we originally thought, though," the doctor began, "I'd say… April 10th sounds about right, but that can always vary by a week earlier or later," she explained while watching me intently. I smiled up at her. "Thank you. Thank you for everything." I whispered, still staring at the monitor and the stilled picture that was frozen on the screen. I could clearly make out my little girls face and bottom. It was so endearing and precious I didn't want to ever look away from the first real decipherable glimpse of our unborn child.

"Here, you can take these home with you," the doctor said as she printed off a few black and white pictures for us to take home with us. Edward immediately tore one off and placed it in the little plastic sleeve of his wallet.

"Umm… for safekeeping," he stuttered when he saw me watching him quizzically.

I smiled knowingly. Still trying to be the big strong man, was he? Too priceless.

When we got home we immediately went to Alice's room. We found both her and Jasper lounging on the couch watching some movie on TV. "Hey, you two, how was the doctor's appointment?" Alice chirped as she flew off of Jasper's lap and barreled towards me, then flopping to the floor and placing her head against my belly. "Hiya, cutie. It's me, Aunt Alice, again. Did you have a fun time with your mommy and daddy at the doctor's? Oh, of course you did." Alice chuckled as the baby kicked her intruding face. "See, she doesn't like it when you press so hard into me," I said mockingly. Alice and I have had this argument one too many times. She was sure the baby could not feel anything when she pressed her hand or face into my stomach. But experience told me that she did indeed feel quite a bit and even reacted to certain voices and touches. "Anyways, Edward has some pictures he can show you, but we want to ask you two something first," I said, awkwardly wringing my hands in front of me. Alice quirked her brow in interest. "Okay, what's up?"

"Well…" Edward started, taking over for me. Obviously, sensing my anxiety. I knew I was being silly feeling this way, but there were so many what ifs it was driving me mad. What if she said no? What if she wanted to but Jasper didn't? What if they thought the responsibility was just too big? No, Alice would never think that. She would be ecstatic, and Jasper, at very least, would be happy for her and want to make her happy, so he'd say yes, too. I was jarred from my gibbering nonsensical thoughts by Edward's soft, teasing tone. "We were actually hoping maybe you could call Jessica over, we were hoping she would want to be her Godmother," Edward spit out. I could tell he was struggling to keep his laughter at bay. But the second his smirk graced his face, Alice was all over his ass. "Edward Anthony Cullen, how fucking dare you? You are such an asshole. Was this your idea? Bella would never consent to this. Did you agree with this, Bella? Of course you didn't. We all know how you feel about her. What the fuck?" Alice was pacing furiously in front of Edward, her eyes slanted, her face a mask of anger and disgust. She was clutching her short spiky hair in one hand, tearing and yanking at it while the other hand slashed about in Edward's direction. I couldn't help it, the giggle slipped past my lips before I had a chance to even think about stopping it. "You're laughing at me, Bella. What the hell has gotten into you?" Alice screeched.

"Now wait a second, Alice. None of this is her fault. This…" Edward explained waving his hand between him and Alice, "was all my idea. I'm sorry, I guess it wasn't as funny in reality as in was in my head," Edward confessed, blushing slightly and shrinking back when Alice's eyes widened in horror before a look of understanding passed her angry features. "Wait! You mean that it was just a joke," Alice gasped, looking like she was about ready to faint. "Of course, it was. I wouldn't ask anyone but you to be my little girl's Godmother and Jasper to be her Godfather. You should know that by now," Edward said playfully, still keeping his distance from Alice, gauging her stance and waiting for her wrath.

"Oh. My. God! Of course, I will. I mean, we will. Right, Jazzy?" Jasper nodded and smiled brightly at his now vibrating girlfriend. "We'd be honored," Jasper said, holding his hand out and shaking Edward's firmly before pulling him into a brotherly hug and making his way to me and giving me a soft smile and hug. Alice continued her energizer-bunny convulsions while I excused myself and left Edward to show off the pictures to the family, claiming a sore back and aching feet and heading for a nice hot bath.

After cleaning up and slipping into something more comfortable, I curled up in our big fluffy warm bed and fell into a much needed sleep, my back still throbbing and my stomach churning.

**March 13th**

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night. Edward was cuddled into my backside, his arms lazily thrown over my waist and his hand flat on my bulging, squirming belly. Something was off, didn't feel right. I wasn't sure what it was, but it left me feeling queasy and short of breath. What had woken me up anyway? I wasn't one to wake in the night. I was quite a sound sleeper, in fact. Maybe the baby was bouncing around on my bladder? That seemed plausible. I groaned and rolled off the side of the bed, yelping softly as my back screamed in protest of my movements.

I limped towards the bathroom door and shut it softly, not wanting to wake Edward just because my back was a bit sore and caused me to flop around like a fish out of water.

I stumbled as a sharp pain ripped through my stomach and clutched at the sink. I don't remember having to go pee this bad before. I slowly pulled my pants down and sat on the toilet just as a huge splash of something watery and yellow mixed with blood poured out of me. I gaped in between my legs at the blood still dripping from between my legs and felt the room start spinning and my breathing pick up as yet another startling, consuming pain shot through me.

I struggled to get up from the toilet as the pain slowly subsided, only barely getting my pants pulled up as yet another scorching shot of pain crippled me. "Edward," I screeched, the pain and fear in my voice both startling and expected.

Seconds later, Edward burst through the door, his eyes widening in shock as he took in the scene before him. He dropped to the floor beside me, gently pulling me to him. "What happened, Bella? Are you okay?" I didn't get a chance to answer him before I heard him gasp and felt his heart rate pick up and knew he must have seen the blood.

"The baby? It can't be the baby; you're not due for another four weeks. It's too early," he mumbled hysterically. I screamed out as another ripple of pain caused me to shudder and tried to curl up into a tight ball.

I heard Edward grumble, "Oh fuck!" before the room began to darken and my hearing began to fade. The last thing I heard before the pain and darkness consumed me was Edward hollering for help, "Carlisle! Alice!"

***Hightails it out of fucking Dodge***

**I will try to send teasers, if FF lets me :-S**

**2 chapster plus the epi to go, lovies.**


	27. Cold, Hard Reality

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Again, I could not reply to reviews. So, I give you this in lieu of a reply- but please know, I read everyone, smile, laugh, and cry right along with you all. I was amazed at the response the last chapter got. Seems a lot of you have been hiding out on me and are just beginning to emerge from the woodwork. It was great to hear from you :-)**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**Chapter 26 – Cold hard reality**

Beep… beep… beep…

_What is that sound? Is it the alarm?_

"I think she's coming to."

_Coming to?_

_Whose voice it that? It doesn't sound familiar._

"Maybe some of you should leave. When she wakes up, she's likely going to be very disoriented and confused."

"Of course. Come on; let's leave Edward alone with Bella for a bit."

_Someone's crying… _

_Who could be crying and why?_

"Edward, will you be okay? I can stay if you want. I know it's going to be hard to tell her about the baby. I don't mind being here for moral support."

_Alice was here, too? And what about my baby? What is she talking about? My baby is just fine._

"No, it's okay, Alice. I need to do this alone."

_Edward was the one who was crying. It broke my heart, the pain momentarily tearing my thoughts away from their conversation and my wonderings of what it was they were talking about that had to do with my baby._

"I love you, big brother." I heard Alice say in a weak, tired voice.

_What the fuck is going on? And why can't I move?_

I tried vainly to move my arms. I wanted to reach out to Edward, wherever he was, to comfort him and soothe him. Tell him everything was going to be okay.

_Could I do that? Was everything okay? _

_Why couldn't I see anything? _

_Where am I? _

_Why won't anyone talk to me? They act as if I'm not here._

"I'm here, look at me. Talk to me!" I screamed out into the blackness.

Not a single response aside from the soft sobbing of my Edward.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry, love. I should have been there to help you. I should have known something wasn't right when you went to bed so early. I… just… should… have… known." Edward's sobs deepened into outright bawling. I could hear the pain in his voice, feel the anguish rolling off of him. But I was helpless, useless. I couldn't move, I couldn't see, and I couldn't tell him I was here for him. I always would be.

I lay motionless, my mind ticking a mile a minute, going over every scenario possible. I remembered going to the doctor's. Everything was fine. Perfect, in fact.

I remembered going home and teasing Alice, then asking her to be our little girl's Godmother.

I remembered her excitement. Her saying yes. And all the God-awful bouncing and shrieking; so much shrieking… so much bouncing.

I remembered I wasn't feeling well. My back hurt… I took a bath… I went to lie down.

I woke up to Edward curled into my backside, the heat felt amazing, but something still hurt…

I remembered… I remembered… something… pain… agonizing pain… Edward screaming and blood… so much blood.

_The baby!_

All of a sudden, everything got bright, and I could make out Edward's hunched over form, perched on what looked like a hospital bed. I was in the hospital bed. I slowly moved my hand up onto my belly.

_Where was my belly?_

I was met with nothing but soft, mushy, flat skin, instead of the huge hard bulge I had been expecting. I began gasping for air, my heart beating frantically.

"Bella, Bella, oh God, Bella, you're awake. Thank God," Edward croaked from beside me.

I couldn't respond. He was smiling the biggest smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. His eyes were so sad, so empty.

I saw his hand reach over and lay atop of mine, the one that was resting on my very flat stomach.

I watched as tears pooled in his eyes and he shook his head as if to rid himself of something.

As if my brain had just fully woken up, the pieces rapidly came together in a hazed blur.

The baby, my baby, our baby. The pain and the blood. My stomach was now empty. Where the fuck was my baby?

I tried to ask Edward. My mouth opened, my mind screamed at me to get the answers I so desperately needed, but my voice wouldn't cooperate. A loud sob escaped me. My first sound. It was close enough. I looked into Edward's damp, sorrow-filled eyes, silently pleading with him to understand what I was thinking, to tell me what I needed to know. But once again he just shook his head. He brought a shaky hand up to my face and cupped my quivering chin.

"You don't know how happy I am to see those beautiful brown eyes of yours. It's been too long. _Too_ long."

I wasn't following him_. What did he mean by 'it had been too long'? He had seen me last night. Looked into my eyes, kissed me, held me…_

_Where's my baby, Edward._ The words wouldn't come to me. My mouth just kept snapping open and shut, small squeaks coming out with short gasps.

_Where's my fucking baby?_

My breathing picked up again, to the point I could barely take a full breath. My heart felt like it just might break through my chest cavity at any moment. There was a loud beeping noise coming from somewhere beside Edward. My vision began blurring and my stomach felt on fire.

"My baby!" I screamed as the darkness once again swallowed me, taking me away from my Edward and my answers.

∞**Ѿ∞~**

"How are you feeling, Bella? You gave us quite a scare."

"What… what happened?" I stuttered, feeling slightly disoriented; my mind still somewhat swimming in a haze.

I clutched my head, squeezing tight, trying to clear the fog and form a straight thought.

"It's the Demerol. It will leave you feeling kind of light-headed, but it will help with the pain. As we lower the dosage, things should become clearer." I watched in confusion as the doctor fidgeted with the IV bag that was hanging beside my bed, adjusting the dial and squeezing the bag.

"You have some very impatient people waiting for you in the hall. But do you have any questions for me before I go?" he asked while hedging towards the door.

"Actually, I do," I blurted, suddenly scared to ask the question that had been haunting me since I first woke, yet desperately needing to.

"How's my baby?" I clamped my eyes shut and inhaled a deep breath, holding it in and waiting.

I heard him sigh and his feet shuffle beside me.

"What have you been told already?" he asked softly.

"No… nothing," I stammered and slowly opened my eyes to peer up at him.

"Your baby is okay, for now. We have her on a ventilator. She's not breathing on her own yet. She weighed a mere 4 lbs 10 ounces, and her lungs, although they were developed to date, they aren't well enough to breathe on her own. We're hopeful that soon she will be able to do it on her own though."

"So she's going to be fine?" I gulped audibly, waiting with baited breath for his answer.

"It's too early to know. But we are hopeful."

Tears pooled in my eyes, and all I could manage was a simple nod. Words were right there, at the tip of my tongue. I wanted to thank him for being honest with him. I wanted to ask to see her. I wanted to know where Edward was, but nothing, not a single word, would form and leave my trembling lips.

Moments later, the door burst open revealing a crazed-looking Edward, with blood-shot eyes and his hair even more disarrayed than normal. His usually cleanly shaven face was covered in a thick layer of scruffy stubble. His blood-shot eyes were wild, pupils huge and black. Tears began streaming down his tormented face as he flew across the room and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me towards him and squeezing me so tight that I gasped for air.

"You don't know how happy I am to see your beautiful eyes again. God, Bella, you scared me shitless. I thought… I thought, I had lost you." His body wracked with huge sobs atop of me. I could hear his heart beating rapidly and his breaths coming out erratically and short.

I curled my free hand, the IV-free one, into his beautiful hair, noticing how greasy it felt to my touch, but not caring. "It's okay, Edward. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere," I choked as I lost myself in his sorrow… his pain was my pain. I sobbed right along with him.

∞**Ѿ∞~**

After Edward and I had cried ourselves dry of tears, we lay side by side, facing each other in my little, white hospital bed. I looked around the room, noticing all the beautiful bouquets of flowers and the many cards placed sporadically throughout the room. Foil balloons on sticks were scattered about everywhere and a big banner that read 'We love you Bella' was taped up along the window frame.

"Do you want to read them?" Edward asked softly, following my gaze and noticing I was eyeing up the decorative cards.

I nodded. "Yes, it will give me something to do until the doctor gets back." Edward refused to allow me to go and see our baby until the doctor came back and gave the 'okay' for me to get out of bed.

I hadn't realized just what kind of shape my body was in until Edward helped me to the adjoining bathroom, where I quickly learned my legs were wobbly and my head spinning. Holy hell! It stung like a mother-fucker to piss. Edward explained that I had received a good twenty stitches and that was likely why it hurt so much to pee. I was surprised when he told me I hadn't gotten a c-section. I mean, how I managed to get the baby out while unconscious baffled me. Apparently, I didn't really have to be awake though. By the time we reached the hospital the baby's head had already crowned; it was just a matter of pulling her out with forceps.

Edward passed me a handful of cards and crawled back into the bed with me. "Do you want me to read them for you?" he asked softly. I nodded, tears already pooling in my dropping eyes, just knowing whatever was in those cards was likely not happy things, but sad words that would tug at my heart.

"This one is from my mom and dad," Edward began. I placed my head in the crook of his waiting arm and snuggled into the side of him the best I could without being too uncomfortable and closed my eyes." Congratulations Bella and Edward. Your baby girl is absolutely adorable, and we just know she will pull through this little road bump. She is strong like her mom and dad, which is more than enough strength to pull through this. We can't wait to have the three of you home with us again. Love and hugs, Mom and Dad."

I smiled up at him. "Are your parents here?"

He shook his head. "Dad made Mom leave and go home and get some rest. She's been here non-stop since we brought you in." My brow furrowed as I stared at him in confusion. I couldn't have been here that long… a day or two at most, right?

"Edward… what's the date?" I asked, not completely sure I wanted him to answer me but needing to know either way.

I sucked in a deep breath and held it waiting for him to answer me. I heard him sigh and let out a whoosh of air. His free hand immediately went into his hair and began tugging at it fiercely.

"March 20th," he whispered so low I wasn't sure I heard him right. I couldn't have. I mean, that would mean that I had been in the hospital for a whole week. I couldn't have been that long…

"I'm sorry, but did you just say the _20_th?" I asked, my wavering voice betraying my confusion and utter disbelief.

Edward only nodded his confirmation.

I laid there silently for a few minutes, just letting everything sink in. I had been in this hospital, unconscious for a week. My baby girl was a week old, and I had yet to see her. _Wait! How was she feeding? Who was changing her diapers? Were people holding her, comforting her, letting her know I wanted to be there with her, but I just couldn't?_

A panging thump of pain fluttered through my chest and rose in my throat, turning into a huge lump of emotion that caused me to gasp for air I didn't realize right away I was lacking.

I gulped it back painfully and looked into Edward's concerned eyes. "She doesn't even know who I am," I whispered, silent tears streaming down my face.

"Oh, love, she knows. And you'll get to see her real soon. I promise. Do you want to see a picture of her?"

I shot up, yelping out in pain from the movement, and bobbed my head, a huge smile breaking out on my face.

With trembling hands, Edward dug around in his wallet and pulled out a small picture and handed it to me upside down.

I slowly flipped it over and gasped as the picture came into focus through my tear-blurred vision.

"She's beautiful," I gasped, causing Edward to chuckle. "She… she looks just like you."

She had a head full of coppery-bronze hair and the brightest green eyes I had ever seen, brighter, even, than Edward's. She looked like she was frowning at the camera. _That's my girl, just like her Mommy, doesn't like having her pictures taken. _I thought smugly, thankful she had at least a small attribute from me.

Just then, the door swung open and the doctor from earlier came swaying in. "Well, you look much better now, Isabella. How are you feeling?" he asked sharply as he pulled a pen out of his breast pocket and began checking the various items of equipment that were attached to me.

"Better… I think. A little sore," I mumbled, not sure how to answer him and more than willing to tell a little white lie so he'd allow me to see my little girl.

He hummed and hawed as he wrote stuff down in his folder, then raised his head and smiled at me.

"I brought a wheel chair. How would you like to go down to the nursery and meet your little girl?" he asked, already pulling the wheel chair in through the door, obviously not needing an answer to such a silly question.

I swung my legs over the bed and had to stop a moment to steady myself. "Take your time, Isabella," the doctor cautioned as Edward flew to my side and propped me up on his hunched over shoulder.

I lowered my sore bottom into the hard chair and groaned at the pressure and stinging pain, but pushed it back and forced a smile on my face. I could handle the pain. I couldn't, however, handle not seeing my daughter for even another minute.

Edward pushed my wheelchair, his legs moving briskly. He looked almost as excited and anxious as I felt. Beaming down at me as we rounded a corner, he halted in front of a door and waited for the doctor to catch up.

When he did catch up, he handed us both a pair of greenish–blue scrubs and little white mask to put on. I looked at him with my brow furrowed. "We can't have any germs floating around in there with all the babies fighting to get well," he explained. I nodded, that made sense. I wouldn't want that, either.

I slowly rose from the chair after Edward flipped up the foot rests. Edward held me up while I struggled pathetically with the ugly outfit. The doctor made us wash our hands with antibacterial soap at a small sink situated just outside the room, and then motioned for us to follow him.

Before I knew it, I was resituated in the chair and being pushed through the wide door. The small room smelled of baby and something else, something tangy and irritating. Hospital. Sick people. My heart dropped. _Sick babies;_ that was what the smell was. I blinked back a few tears and took a deep breath. Passing by the little tiny chambers, I could see a little wiggling above the top rims and the occasional foot. A nurse was tending to an odd looking chamber that had a ton of tubes coming from it. I stole a deep breath and peered over the edge of the little box and gasped.

The baby inside was that smallest I had ever seen. My eyes quickly darted to the little card placed at the end of the makeshift bed and read, _'Baby Holmes, Girl, March 15, 2009, 2 lbs, 3 ounces'_.

My heart began thundering my chest, looking at this poor little girl, struggling to breathe. It was so wrong, too wrong. She was no bigger than Edward's hand. Her eyes we taped shut, and she had needles and tubes poking out of her from every bit of skin. I looked up at the doctor and motioned with my hand towards the baby; he sighed and shook his head. Unshed tears swam in pools along my brims, threatening to spill over. "We are just keeping her comfortable until… until she _goes_," he finished in a soft whisper.

"Oh shit," Edward whispered in a tortured tone from behind me, his voice sounding thick with emotion. He quickly continued pushing me towards the far corner, where a solitary clear chamber sat. Three separate poles flanked the one side of it and a huge machine sat on the other.

I read the little card on the end of the bed once again, _'Baby Swan, Girl, March 13__**, **__2009, 4 lbs 10 ounces'._

I sat in front of the box and stared wide eyed, my chest constricting painfully with a desperate need to hold her, comfort her. She was sleeping and looked so peaceful, her tiny chest rising and falling in sync with the large machine in front of me. They had an odd looking cap on her head. It kind of looked like it was made of gauze, small tufts of bronze hair poked out the bottom of it and curled up at the one side of her ear.

No one spoke as I continued to watch her. The doctor and Edward could have left to give me some time alone with her. I wasn't sure, and I wasn't about to take my eyes off of her for even one second to find out.

Her button nose scrunched up, and her tiny mouth opened and yawned. The desire to touch her raged inside of me, and I slowly leaned forward.

"You can touch her through these," the doctor's voice startled me. I tore my eyes from my little girl momentarily to see him motioning to two bagged holes along the side of her enclosed bed.

"_Really_?" I squeaked. Edward moved beside me then and nodded his head. He pushed me closer to the one side and left me there to go to the other. He put his huge hand in through the hole and softly grazed her cheek with his forefinger. She stirred momentarily, but settled within seconds.

The pull was too strong, and I couldn't wait any longer. With trembling hands, I pushed one through the hole and softly, oh, so softly, rubbed her little arm. It was so soft, and she felt so fragile. I was almost scared that I might break her just by simply touching her.

She gurgled softly, and her head lolled to face me, her tiny eyes opening and looking directly at me. I gasped. They were so bright, so green, and so full of life. In that very moment, I let my overflowing dam of emotions break free. I sputtered and sobbed while caressing her pudgy cheek, whispering words and promises of a perfect life, a loving life… and _life_, period.

I looked over at Edward who was beaming brightly; a huge smile stretched across his face, and his eyes shining with what I assumed was pride. A trail of tears still stained his rosy cheeks, and the look of hope shining through his eyes filled me, coursed through me, and consumed me.

She would live, I just knew it. "Aurora Elizabeth Cullen," I whispered in a half question, half statement.

Edward nodded and mouthed. "It's perfect," just as the doctor cleared his throat behind me.

"I'm sorry, but it's time for the nurse's shift change, and we are going to be in the way. How about we get you back to you room and you get some rest, then you can visit her again later?"

I clenched my eyes shut and nodded slowly, petrified to leave her alone, but knowing I had to. I took one last look at my little Aurora before my chair began moving away from her.

**Sniffles – Poor Bella. But look, Baby is just fine. Mommy is just fine. Everything is good, right?**

**Review and make me smile :-)**

**1 more chappie plus the epi to go.**


	28. Ours

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Sklem808 left the one thousandth review. You guys f'ing rock hard.**

**This si the last chapter. The epi will post soon. Sorry I have yet to be able to reply to reviews. I honestly think FF hate twific. Seems we are the only ones having these issues. Grrrr.**

**Just please know you readers are the shit, and I wouldn't bother doing this fics without you. You inspire me, better me, drive me, and push me, and for that, I am forever in your debt.**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**Chapter 27 –**_** Ours**_

**One week later: March 27th**

"Come on, Bella, we'll be back first thing tomorrow to see her. She'll be fine. I promise." Edward's soft comforting voice, for once, did nothing to calm my jumping nerves.

It had been a week since I woke up. Two weeks since my little Aurora came hurdling into this world, and now, I was being discharged from the hospital, but she was not.

Just yesterday, they had taken her off the ventilator, and she was now breathing on her own. But she had yet to gain much weight, and they wanted to keep her a bit longer to monitor her and make sure everything was okay. I was glad they were being cautious. I expected nothing less. But I didn't expect them to discharge me and send _me_ home without _her_.

It seemed that over the last few days, every pregnant woman in town went into labor. Therefore space was limited, and since I was doing much better; stitches healed nicely, bleeding all normal, and everything else was checking out okay, they figured I was the perfect candidate to send off packing.

I was petrified to leave my little girl in the hospital. All alone. Well, of course she wouldn't be alone. But I wouldn't be there with her.

The doctors assured me I could return first thing in the morning and stay right until family visiting time came. Which didn't make much sense to me, at first. I mean, what was the difference between my being there from nine AM until nine PM and my being there over night, as well.

But once explained, I understood a bit better. Didn't like it nonetheless, but I understood. If they bent the rules for me, others would ask questions and expect the same treatment. Thus, leading to a very overcrowded wing of the already tiny hospital.

I kissed her tiny little forehead one more time, before I allowed Edward to drag me out of the room.

Tears streamed down my face as her doorway disappeared behind me. Edward rubbed soothing circles across my back, which unfortunately did nothing to calm me.

∞**Ѿ∞~**

"Edward, where are we going? This is not the way home, and I'm not in the mood to be going out. Please, just take me home." I had my head up against the cool window, staring out at the lush green surroundings and seeing them much different in that moment than I ever had before.

In that moment, I was a mother, a mother looking out into the world and seeing what she had brought her child into. The last time I had gazed at those deep, dark green trees and soft, lush, green grass, I had just been Bella. Plain old Bella Swan. Nothing special. Nothing worth mentioning. But today, today, I was Aurora's mom. And for some reason, that made me see things differently.

I looked at the forest with trepidation. Aurora could get lost in there when she is old enough to walk. There could be dangerous animals in the forest that could bite Aurora. Heck, she could get hit by a speeding car along this deserted road on her way to the dangerous forest.

Odd, isn't it? How one day the world can look like one thing, and the next, something completely different, scary even.

"Trust me, Love, we _are_ going home," Edward murmured with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes. He was up to something. I just wasn't sure what. I knew damn well this was not the way to the Cullen's' house. So what the heck was he playing at?

I decided to close my eyes and relax my weary head. I'd let him have his cryptic moment, _this_ time. 'Cause honestly, I didn't have it in me to argue with him. He'd realize soon enough he was going the wrong way.

As my eyes fluttered closed, exhaustion immediately took over, and I feel into a light blissful sleep, visions of Aurora at home with me, safely tucked into my arms causing me the smile softly as I drifted.

"Bella… Bella, baby. Wake up!"

"Hmm, what is it, Edward? Are we home now?" I asked groggily as I pried my sticky face from the fogged up, chilly window.

"Yes, love, we're home. Let me carry you in." Edward was smiling like a lunatic. I pulled back momentarily and examined his expression. Yep, he was definitely up to something._ But what?_

"Close your eyes, beautiful," he whispered as he slipped his hands under my bottom and gently lifted me bridal style out of the tiny car.

I clamped my eyes shut and laid my head against his warm shoulder. It was nice like this, peaceful, warm, perfect-well… _almost_. My chest clenched as I once again remembered something important was indeed missing in my happy little bubble. My daughter.

I heard the soft click of the door as it shut behind us and waited with baited breath for the rest of the Cullen's to come clamoring into the main hall and bombard me with hugs and questions.

It never happened. I heard Edward chuckle as I let out a huge shaky breath. "You can open your eyes now, love."

I did as I was told, and my vision was completely filled with Edward's bright, intense eyes as he hovered just above my lips. "I love you, Bella Swan, and soon, so _very_ soon, I will make you my wife. Until then, this is a good start." With that, he kissed my trembling lips softly before turning his head and motioning with it for me to look in the same direction.

I gasped and almost fell out of his arms. Edward chuckled nervously and slowly placed me on my feet.

"Do… do you like it?" I could tell he was nervous, he kept running his fingers through his hair and shifting his feet constantly. I didn't know what to say. Hell, I wasn't even sure what I was looking at.

"Umm, what is it?" I asked, the confusion evident in my voice.

I glanced around and slowly took a step forward. "Are we going to get in trouble for being here, Edward?"

His soft melodic laughter once again filled the room. "No, of course not."

_Nice answer, Sir Cryptalot._

"It's beautiful," I breathed out, "Who lives here?"

The house was massive in size, not nearly as big as the Cullens', but definitely much bigger than Charlie's place. The layout was perfect. Open concept with nearly no walls dividing the whole main floor. A huge winding, oak staircase lay before me. The furniture was absolutely perfect, in my eyes, modern and contemporary. Beige leather sofas sat in an almost circle in the huge living room. A massive flat screen television adorned the whole of one wall, flanked with built-in shelves on either side that were packed full with what looked to be many DVDs. The coffee table placed in the center was a deep wood color and had beautiful elegant etched designs along the edging. Gorgeous paintings covered the light off-white walls.

Edward tugged on my hand, gently, leading me towards what I assumed was the kitchen.

It was perfect, too. Any person who loved to cook or bake would swoon over it.

A small four-seater high back table sat in the centre. Cupboards covered the walls on two sides of it. A huge stainless steel range took up a big chunk of one corner while the matching fridge sat on the other side of the gorgeous black and while marbled counter. A buffet hutch sat in the middle of the room, with a hanging thing holding numerous sparkly pots and pans hanging high above it.

Edward proceeded to drag my confused ass from room to room. The basement had a huge rec-room adorned with many video game consoles, another huge projector-like television, a pool table, amazing furniture, and a fully stocked bar.

I was getting confused, frustrated even. Why was he showing me this? Did he know the person who lived here? What were we doing here?

I snapped my mouth open to ask him, but he shushed me with his finger placed against my pouting lips.

_Humph._

Fine then. Again, I will let him play his little game. But soon, very soon, I wanted to go home.

I slumped up the stairs behind him as he led me to the top floor.

I gasped in confusion when we reached the top landing and saw a huge framed picture of Aurora, freshly born and wrapped in light pink blankets.

"What… how… who lives here?" I squeaked out.

"You don't know yet?" Edward asked softly, looking deep into my eyes, a small smirk playing at the corner of his mouth.

I shook my head and eyed him warily. We stayed like that for a moment, maybe longer. I wasn't sure. When it suddenly dawned on me. No, it couldn't be. How? When?

"This… is this… _our_ home?" I asked softly but cautiously.

Edward smile grew impossibly wider. "Do you like it?"

Of course, I liked it. Who the hell wouldn't? It was gorgeous, like the houses I had only ever seen on TV.

"Yes," was my meager reply.

"I'm glad, now come here." He tugged me in the direction of the only door that was closed, the one at the end of the wide hall. I curiously peeked in each room as we passed by them. Each one just as beautiful as the next, and adorned with what appeared to be brand new, modern furniture, off-whites, burgundies, and deep blues. My favorite colors. Hmm…

"Close your eyes," Edward whispered and placed a hand over my eyes anyway before opening the closed door and ushering me into the room.

It was bright in this room, I could see the bright white light even with my eyes closed and his fingers loosely splayed across them.

"Surprise!" I damn near jumped out of my skin as everyone jumped out at me, and my eyes were assaulted with the bright harsh light in one swift movement.

My jaw hung agape, and I quickly snapped my mouth shut.

"What… what is this?" I stammered, looking around at everyone in the room.

Alice bounced towards me and threw her tiny arms around me.

"This is Aurora's bedroom, silly, and these are all the people who love you dearest; they're here to welcome you home."

My eyes watered with unshed tears as I looked around the room. Carlisle held Esme tightly in his arms, the both of them beaming brightly. Jasper stood off in the back of the room, leaning against a dark wooden crib. Emmett and Rosalie stood directly in front of me; Emmett vibrating like a kid in a candy store, and Rose smiling down at me; her eyes, too, glistening with unshed tears. Renee and Charlie were standing off to the other side of the room, Renee safely tucked into Charlie's arms and grinning like a crazy woman.

"I don't… I don't… understand."

No one clarified anything for me. No one had a chance. Alice was bouncing all over the place, blabbering away about all the different pieces of furniture in the room and mumbling about having to come over every day to see Aurora. Esme and Carlisle walked over to me and embraced me in a warm, loving hug. "We are so glad you are home and okay, and we just know Aurora will be here soon with you, too."

"Thank you," I hiccupped as I struggled to hold back the flood of tears building along my brims.

"Congratulations, Bbaby Bells. Sorry we didn't come up to the hospital to see you, but Eddie, here,m didn't think I could keep a secret and thought it best I just stayed away until you came home." I giggled, I couldn't help it. Edward was likely right. Emmett was no good at keeping secrets.

"It's okay. I understand." Emmett pulled me to him forcefully, and I braced myself for the painful hug I was sure I was about to receive. It never came. Instead, Emmett wrapped me gently in his arms and buried his face in my hair. I could swear I heard him sniffling. "Emmett, are you crying?" I hissed in a whisper, pulling back to look at his face. "Shh, I'm not crying, just got something in my eye. Good to have you back, Bells. No more scaring the daylights out of me, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed and hugged him as tight as I could one more time before letting go.

Rosalie gave me a half-assed, one-armed hug and kissed my cheek. That alone shocked the shit out of me.

Jasper also gave me a quick hug and a chaste kiss on the cheek. And before I knew it, my mother was in my arms blubbering and sniffling away. "Oh, baby, we thought we had lost you. We were so scared. I spent every day at the hospital by your side before you woke up. We wanted to come see you once you did wake up, but… Edward refused to leave your side and the hospital is rather strict about their visitor policies. We thought maybe it was best, either way, to give you some time before bombarding you with visitors." Renee took a huge breath and smiled. "How are you feeling now? When does Aurora get to come home?"

"Come on, Renee, stop overwhelming her. Let's give these two some space and come back tomorrow, okay?" my dad interrupted her, pulling her into his arms and kissing my cheek before they walked out the door, leaving me alone with Edward.

"This is _our_ home?" I asked skeptically as I turned to look at Edward.

"Yes."

"Yes? That's it? Just 'yes'? How the hell is this '_our'_ home, and when did we get it?"

Edward inhaled sharply as a pained expression clouded his eyes. I didn't mean to sound so harsh. I was just overwhelmed, confused.

"Sorry," I whispered, curling up into his waiting arms. "I didn't mean to snap. Just how? I love it, but how?"

"I have been looking for awhile now. Since before I asked you to marry me, actually. And when you finally woke up after scaring the crap out of me, thinking I had lost you almost killed me, I wanted to have something concrete when you came home. Something that would be _our_ home. Something to bring my wife-to-be and my daughter home to that was _ours_. Only _ours_. Esme and Carlisle helped, of course. They got most the paperwork dealt with and closed the deal and all that. Alice, Rose, Esme, and Renee did most of the decorating, and Emmett and Jasper helped arrange all the furniture. Your dad… well, your dad did this…" Edward motioned around us. I gasped, shocked.

"He arranged the whole baby room. Esme and Alice almost had a heart attack having to give this room up to him. But he was insistent, and I couldn't bring myself to say no to him. Alice will get over it. In fact, she did, the second she got to go out and buy you and Aurora a whole new wardrobe.

I giggled. That was so Alice.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. My dad, Charlie, did this? How? He could barely cook and clean never mind decorate a nursery.

"He loves you so much, Bella. I think that man would move heaven and earth if he could for you. Love does things to people, Bella. Amazing, quality-changing things."

After I cried a little, looked around the house some, and cried a little more, we settled into _our_ brand new four-poster bed, our bodies twinned bodies as best I could manage without causing any pain and fell to sleep in each other's arms. In _our_ new home. _Ours_; it was my new favorite word.

**I had no choice but to hear you**

**You stated your case time and again**

**I thought about it**

**You treat me like I'm a princess**

**I'm not used to liking that**

**You ask how my day was**

**You've already won me over in spite of me**

**And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet**

**Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are**

**I couldn't help it**

**It's all your fault**

**Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole**

**You're so much braver than I gave you credit for**

**That's not lip service**

**You've already won me over in spite of me**

**And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet**

**Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are**

**I couldn't help it**

**It's all your fault**

**You are the bearer of unconditional things**

**You held your breath and the door for me**

**Thanks for your patience**

**You're the best listener that I've ever met**

**You're my best friend**

**Best friend with benefits**

**What took me so long**

**I've never felt this healthy before**

**I've never wanted something rational**

**I am aware now**

**I am aware now**

**You've already won me over in spite of me**

**And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet**

**Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are**

**I couldn't help it**

**It's all your fault**

**Alanis Morissette ~ Head over Feet**

**Just the epi left. I will post that real soon.**

**xx**


	29. Perfect rainbow at the end of the storm

4

**Desolation - The state of being abandoned or forsaken; loneliness ~Wretchedness; misery.**

**Ann picks through my gibberish when I am done with it. Why she tolerates me and my stubbornness is beyond me, but I love her for it.**

**Disclaimer - ****Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Plagiarism is theft. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted.**

**This story is the sole property of Breath-of-twilight. It may not be copied, published or posted elsewhere without my express written consent, which I do not give at this time.**

**~∞Ѿ∞~**

**Final author's note at the bottom.**

_**Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~ Cyril Connolly**_

**~Perfect rainbow at the end of the storm**

**BPOV**

"Bella, love, I know you are anxious to go pick Aurora up and bring her home, but I need to talk to you for a moment first. It's… umm… important. I think…" Edward's voice trailed off and he began shuffling his feet while staring towards the floor at them.

I gulped. _This couldn't be good._

"Okay…" I began tentatively, nervous and self-conscious all of a sudden. "What do you want to talk about?"

Edward lowered himself onto the couch and patted the seat next to him, wanting me to join him. I slowly walked towards him, my heart freaking out in my chest from the look on his face. He looked sad…scared, and something close to regret flashed in behind all of that.

I was going to have a panic attack. I thought I was now secure in my relationship with Edward, that I had dealt with the little demons in my head, had moved past all that shit. I was terribly wrong. I knew that the very moment those simple words past his lips. I would never feel completely secure. I would always worry and wonder if and when Edward would come to his senses and leave my sorry ass. It was permanently etched in my brain._ I was no good for him._

"Bella…" Edward began, twisting his hands around and around, drawing my attention to the fact that he was shaking like a leaf. My breathing sped up, and my vision blurred with pooling tears. '_Was this it? What did I do, now?'_

"I noticed something a while back… and… umm… I wasn't sure when would be a good time to bring it up. In fact, I am not too sure there will ever really be a 'good' time. So, I umm… thought we should talk about it before Aurora comes home and I miss my chance."

"Okay… go on, Edward, what is it? Are you okay? Are _we_ okay?" The desperation in my voice was pathetic.

"Oh, God. No, Bella. Please don't think like that. I love you. I will never stop loving you. Everything is _fine_. I am fine; _we are fine_… what I am worried about is… are _you_ fine?"

_Huh?_

"Of course, I am, Edward. How could I not be? We are about to bring our little girl home. She is healthy and beautiful, and I am engaged to the most wonderful man in the entire universe. What the hell do I have to be unhappy about?"

Edward looked into my eyes and held my gaze; the pain in his eyes was clear as day, mixed with fear and worry. I was missing something, obviously.

Edward's shaky hand came up and engulfed my clammy one. My nerves were on edge. I wanted to know what the hell was going on. I was so confused, and as cruel as it sounded I just wanted to get this done and over with and hurry the heck up and go get my precious baby girl.

My impatience grew all the more as Edward stared down at our now entwined fingers. I couldn't see his face, so I wasn't sure if his eyes were open or closed, or read his expression to have any clue what was going on inside that beautiful head of his.

Many moments of awkward silence and hundreds of the annoying soft ticks from the clock later, I snapped.

"Okay, I can't take it anymore. Spit it out, Edward. What the hell is going on?" I growled, pulling my hands from his and flailing them around dramatically. I rose to my feet and started pacing the room. Edward's eyes were wide and shocked as he watched me intently, his mouth snapping open and shut like a goddamn Venus fly trap.

"What are they?" Edward's voice was soft and pained. I spun to look at him and planted my feet firmly in one spot, pain rippling through me at the very sight of my broken fiancé hunched over in front of me. His posture was hunched and defeated looking. His eyes sad, empty almost, and brimming with tears. I immediately felt horrible for snapping at him and had to take a couple of calming breaths before I trusted myself to respond to his cryptic question in a calm adult-like way.

"What are _what_?"

"These…" Edward came towards me and pulled my sleeves up one at a time. Instinct kicked in, as it normally did, and I immediately began tugging them back down. He couldn't be asking about…. No! I hide them so well. I always wore long sleeve shirts and made sure the lights were off when we made love. I was so cautious, so careful.

"Don't… don't hide from me anymore, Isabella." I gasped. He never referred to me by my full given name. Never! It sounded so wrong coming from his sweet lips, in that hollow, cracking voice.

I sighed deeply before lowering my trembling form to the floor. Edward was at my side instantly, on the floor with me, his arms around my bobbing shoulders. Comforting me, soothing me, reassuring me… It was so wrong. I should have been the one comforting him, apologizing.

"Do you still… _hurt_… yourself?" Edward asked softly.

I couldn't speak, not yet, so I just shook my head and sobbed.

When I calmed down enough to make audible words form from my mouth, I squeaked out the only explanation I could give. I told him I did them. It was me. _Willingly_. I explained that when the pain got to be too much to bear, when I couldn't deal with the hurt and filth that had been inflicted on me, I hurt myself. I burned my flesh to make me feel powerful, in control of me, for once. Tears trickled down his rosy cheeks and pooled along his tight jaw line; and I waited.

Waited for him to tell me how disgusted he was, how repulsed he was with my behavior. I waited for him to tell me I was fucked up and a bad influence on our child. My heart cracked just a little with every minute of silence that ticked by. I couldn't look at him, couldn't bear to see the look in his eyes. The one that would tell me this was the last straw. The one that said this was it. I had pushed him too far.

Instead, I felt his fingers curl around my quivering chin, gently lifting my head until I had no choice. My shifty eyes finally landed on his bright green ones, and in that very moment I knew… I knew I had judged him wrong. I didn't give him enough credit. I doubted his loyalty and dedication to me and was so very wrong to do so, 'cause deep in those glistening green orbs all I saw was pain and most importantly, understanding.

I collapsed in his arms and crashed my mouth to his. The two of us still one and fully accepting of the other. Nothing had ever felt better, more right, so perfect and complete, than the way it felt in his arms.

"Come on, baby, let's go get our daughter and bring her home."

Edward got up and held his hand out to me. Helping me up and wrapping his arms tightly around my shoulders, he led me to the front door. We silently walked through the door, into the cool spring mist that was scattering Forks. Stopping a moment to breathe deeply, the scents of the surrounding forest intoxicating me and refreshing my senses, I looked up into the gloomy sky. The sun was struggling to break past the clouds, and just below that lay the most perfect rainbow. I smiled. The rainbow at the end of the storm, _perfect_.

Today was the best day of my life. Better than when Edward proposed. Better than when the verdict came in for Phil. Better, even, than the day I met Aurora. Because today was the day I finally let go, moved on, and left my horrible past be where it should be, in the past. I was now a _new_ woman, a mother, and soon to be a wife. And finally, I truly felt at peace with _myself_, my _family_, my friends, and most importantly… my _past_.

**That's it, my friends. Le sigh. Can't say I am said to see it go. I loved writing it, but I have so many other things in the works all the time, it is actually nice to be able to say I completed something….lol**

**I would love to hear from you, one final time. If you have never once reviewed, now is the time. Please do.**

**I can't thank you all enough for being the best readers ever. You are all so supportive, encouraging, and motivating to me. I fucking love each and every one of you for it.**

**If you have yet to check out my other fics, I am not beyond self-pimpage. My current fav to be working on is Club Elite. If you are not reading it, go. I would love to hear your thoughts and see if you like it just as much as me.**

**Now, I click the 'complete' button with a smile on my face and good friends in my heart.**

**xx**


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